


The Ties That Bind

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS, NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:31:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 327
Words: 104,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5871505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my latest Drabble series. Primarily, I think, NCIS: NOLA will be featured, but there may be other fandoms. The pairings I expect to be featured are Brody/James, Brody/Pride, Brody/Gibbs, LaSalle/Percy, LaSalle/Bishop, Percy/Bishop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one contains character death, and is totally ambiguous, pick your own pairing.

_ Does he love you like I loved you, does he tell you every day _ __   
_ Does he make you feel like you’re invincible with every word he'll say _ __   
_ Can you promise me if this was right, don't throw it all away _ __   
_ Can you do all these things, will you do all these things _ __   
__ Like we used to   
**\--”Like We Used To” by A Rocket To The Moon**

The player flickered to life and the view on the screen made her heart leap into her throat. She could have cried out if it weren’t for the fact that she was in semi-public. There were people around. She’d never thought his would be one of the messages sent, but there he was on the screen, and she felt herself staring as the message began to play. “I wrote these words long before we broke up, and I hoped that you’d never read them, or I’d never have to say them. But we’ve all been given five minutes to make a video to send to our families and friends. Maybe I’ll get out of this maybe I won’t, but either way, I needed you to know this.”

“Loving you has been an honour, a privilege and the most amazing thing I was ever able to do with my life. Never regret the years we’ve spent, or the times we’ve had. They were important, they were amazing. The last few years have been hard, I know, but I think we were getting there. Weren’t we? Don’t you agree?” She found herself nodding at the video, almost certain that she mumbled under her breath. They had been struggling, but they were back together, and they were going to make a life. That had been their plan, a plan she’d always planned on sticking to.

The look on his face changed from one of sadness to something else. He looked as though he knew the next words were going to be hard for him to say, and maybe harder for her to hear, but clearly he was going to say them. “Find someone new, but always keep in mind these words. Does he love you like I did, and if he does, does he tell you. Make sure he makes you feel like you’re the amazing, beautiful, smart, hilarious woman you are. If it’s right, keep him. Don’t throw it away the way we both almost threw away us.” Her eyes flicked to one of the others in the room, and she knew he was watching her intently.

“I love you, I will love you for eternity, and I promise, we’ll see each other again.” With that, the screen went dark and she let out the sob she’d managed to hold in until that moment. She felt the tears streaming down her face and  realised she needed to know now what the outcome was.

“Did he make it?” Her voice trembled, just like her hands. She felt an arm come around her shoulder as another one of the people in the room started looking through the papers. The seconds it took for her to find his name left her feeling weak, and like she was about to cry. But she already knew the answer. She knew he was gone.

“I’m sorry, his name was on the casualty list.” And with those words. Her whole world crumbled again, and she knew she was done.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a little more specific than yesterday.

_ All of the words in all of my life _ __   
_ That could never explain and never describe _ __   
_ All of my love which is nothing to hide _ __   
_ I lift up my hands and I worship _ _   
_ \-- **_”All Of The Words” by Kutless_ **

In his time on this planet he had learnt how to say hundreds of thousands of words in several languages, but no matter how many he’d learnt there were just not enough words for this moment, for this situation. Everything, absolutely everything, he had hinged on this, and he was prepared for that. Honestly, if he could have he would have thrown his hands in the aired and worshiped the God or Gods that were clearly watching out for him.

He could never have explained to his friends how much this meant to him. That they were all there, stood by his side. Even though this case was pushing them all to their limits, and he knew they were all feeling the pressure in light of recent events. But there was a break, there was some kind of silver lining, and maybe they would be able to stop it all before they got in too deep.

A year earlier it had been another person who had threatened the safety of his group, a different person who had sought to not only break them apart but to cripple their home, and the one place they would all give up their lives to protect. That had brought new members to their family, but the pain from that situation lingered. he knew that facing something similar only a year on would not be easy for any of them, but he had total faith that they would do their duty.

One thing he had learnt through all of this was that he was scarily good at making enemies. It seemed like he didn’t even really have to think about it and he made one. Sure, it was the nature of the job, but he was still better at it than most, it seemed. If he could go a year, or two years, or five years without making a new enemy he’d be even more thankful that this was something that he was involved in.

Eventually, he would be able to actually show how he felt for all of them, how much love and care and joy he had, and how much each and every one of them meant to him. Eventually he would be able to tell them that every second they had left their trust in him that he knew what he was doing when it came to this case was proof that they felt the same for him. This office was a lot more than just friends or colleagues. They were a family, and he wouldn’t let anyone break that up. Many could try, but all would fail. That was his silent vow, and one he was determined to keep. 


	3. Chapter 3

_ Well I’m going home, to the place where I belong _ _   
_ _ And where your love has always been enough for me _ _   
_ _ I’m not running from, no I think you got me all wrong _ _   
_ _ I don’t regret this life I chose for me _ _   
_ _ But these faces and these places are getting old _ _   
_ _ So I’m going home _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Home” by Daughtry_ **

What was it they’d said to him before, that it wasn’t a place that made home, it was the people. Or in James’ case, it was one person. The only person who had never given up on him, even though he’d given her plenty of reason to. Even though they’d called off their engagement, they had still been there for each other. All he knew in this moment was that he needed to see her again, and he needed to see her as soon as possible. “I’m going.”

“You’re leaving?” Came the voice from the other side of the room, where his assistant for the last couple of assignments. That meant he and Luke had gotten to know each other well enough that James didn’t mind telling him. 

“I can’t stay anymore. I need to go home.” If he could stand to stay even one more day he would, but the need he felt to hold Merri in his arms again was too strong. He just needed to get back to her and beg her to take him back.

“I thought you didn’t have a home?” Luke asked, and James remembered them having a discussion about that. That had been before his last trip to New Orleans. Where they decided that it was going well on their ‘as needed’ basis, but now he’d seen all this, he wanted more.

“Remember those pictures you were asking me about?” Like almost everyone, when James had shared his pictures from home, nearly always they’d included one of Meredith, the two of them looking happy and content. So they all recognised her, and he’d said that she was important to him.

“Yeah, the pretty brunette?” Luke asked and James just smiled. She would hate being referred to that way, even though it was completely accurate. She was pretty, and she was brunette. 

“That’s the one. She’s my home. She’s always been home, I just pretended she wasn’t for a while.” He was disappointed in himself for that, because he should never have doubted Merri’s place in his life.

“What’s she called?” Luke asked finally, giving James an understanding smile.

“Meredith.” He smiled and nodded. He knew that it was time to go home. She was somehow calling to him, and that was the important think for him right now. “All these places, all these people… I’ve done all I can. So I’m going home. I’ll call you when I get my next assignment.” He then just grabbed his things and went to the airport, not caring how much it cost. He wanted to get to her. He wanted to get home.


	4. Chapter 4

_ I can't be everywhere for everyone all the time _ _   
_ _ If I could I would fix this whole world _ _   
_ _ All I ask of you, never compromise _ _   
_ _ Never let the leeches try to suck out your soul _ _   
_ \-- **_”Degenerate” by New Found Glory_ **

A day of minor questions about her life had her stressed, and an hour arguing on the phone with James hadn’t helped. Almost as soon as her next phonecall came in she was annoyed, and she was certain that James was the next call. “Yes, hello.”

“Should I try calling you later?” She heard a familiar voice, and that just made her happier.

“Gibbs. Long time no talk.” She couldn’t help but smile, at least he was a friend, and she really needed a friend right now, and this would help.

“I heard what happened on the  _ Moultrie _ and wanted to let you know that I’ve got your back.” Gibbs’ words were something she needed to hear, because right this moment she would have bet that she didn’t have all that many allies. Former friends had run from her faster than she could have imagined, all of them claiming that she was radioactive after the bombing. She probably was. There were far too many people who didn’t trust her judgement now.

“Thanks, how did you hear about it?” She had to ask, because it seemed strange that anyone had heard about this. The  _ Moultrie _ investigation was classified, and it wasn’t something that she would have thought Gibbs would have clearance for.

“I have ears everywhere.” He laughed, and a second later Merri joined in, trying to feel more at ease. “Look… I know it’s been a while since Manchester, and we haven’t spoken since we left. But I have to ask one thing of you.”

“Sure, shoot. It can’t be as hard as what Director Shepard is gonna be asking me.” She was so nervous sat in her hotel room, knowing that tomorrow she was going to be being interviewed by the bosses, and she knew it wouldn’t go well.

“Don’t lie, Brody. Don’t compromise. Don’t let them goad you into saying something that you’ll regret, or that might implicate you. I can’t be there, but I would be if I could.” The intensity in his voice told her that he really cared about the fact that she needed to be prepared for this.

“OK don’t think I’m not grateful but… why?” She needed to ask because, after all these years, she didn’t know why Gibbs would be contacting her, and why he had decided that he needed to give her advice on what she was going through right now. 

“Because you’re a great person, Meredith, and I don’t want to see you or your career destroyed by this.” Gibbs sounded a little more like he was upset this was happening at all. But this was her fault, and she’d take whatever consequences were deemed necessary. After a long pause only four more words were said. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. Bye.” She hung up the phone then looked at it confused. It had been a long time since she’d been left wrongfooted like that by a phonecall. Maybe this investigation was a little more dangerous to her than she’d originally thought.


	5. Chapter 5

_ 'Cause she's bittersweet, she knocks me off of my feet _ _   
_ _ And I can't help myself, I don't want anyone else _ _   
_ _ She's a mystery, she's too much for me _ _   
_ _ And I keep coming back for more _ _   
_ _ She's just the girl I'm looking for _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Just The Girl” by The Click Five_ **

James had been struggling lately, and only days earlier he’d decided he was going to go home. He was going back to his girl, his Meredith. He’d been in New Orleans two nights, trying to get up the nerve to speak to her. Then he sucked it up and headed to her office. As he was walking up the path he saw the love of his life crossing from a car, laughing loudly at something one of her colleagues was saying. Which meant he could get her now, before she went in. “Hey MB.”

“James.” She heard her response, and a second later she was just running up and throwing her arms around him. He wrapped her up against his chest and smiled, he was just happy that she hadn’t pushed him away. 

“Who’s that?” He heard a woman’s voice, and as he looked over Merri’s head he saw one of the two male agents putting his hands on the woman’s shoulders and walking her into the building.

“The ex-fiance. Let’s get inside.” With that they were gone, leaving he and Merri alone in the street, and he was happy with that.

“You’re back?” She whispered when she finally pulled back a little, though she kept her arms around him, and he didn’t want to let her go either, he wanted to hold her for the rest of his life.

“For good this time, if you want?”

“Yes.” She said immediately, then looked at him again, her head tilting softly. He knew that was something she did when she was thinking, and right now it was probably about why he was offering that now. “Do you mean that?”

“Do I mean what?” He asked, really just wanting to hear her say it. 

“That it’s for good?” She prompted, and she smiled even wider. He wanted to cuddle her, show her that she never needed to doubt him again, but there was history and he understood that. This time though, he was for real.

“Yeah. I mean it. I will quit if you want.” He really would. If she said no more, for him to leave, then he’d do it. “This last assignment… it made me realise I loved you more than I loved work. I keep coming back to you, MB.”

“I don’t know what to say.” She muttered, and while that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear, she still wasn’t telling him to go away.

“You are still a mystery to me, after all these years you’re still a mystery and I love that. I love everything about you, and you’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted.” He would tell her that over and over again. It was the truth, and reminding her was the best way to show that. “Please, take this chance with me.” He would beg her forever if he needed too. But it only took a moment for Merri to nod back at him, and he figured that she was happy to go in.


	6. Chapter 6

_ Got a wish, got a wish that I _ _   
_ _ Can just get back to where we came _ _   
_ _ God I miss, God I miss you now _ _   
_ _ And I can't even say your name _ _   
_ **_\--”While We're Young” by Marianas Trench_ **

“Thinking about her again?” Came a voice from the bed, and Merri wished she could say she was surprised he was awake. He always seemed to wake up at the most inopportune time, and she knew that. “She’d be happy for us.”

“Probably.” That was all she could think to say. She knew her sister would be happy, but that wasn’t enough right now. It would probably never be enough. She needed more than vague platitudes about her life, but that was all she ever got.

“Come back to bed.” He said quietly, almost pleading. After a few moments he stood up and slid behind her, his warm chest against her cool back, wrapping his arms around her clearly trying to make her feel something. “What you doing, wishing on stars?”

“I only have one wish, and it hasn’t come true yet.” She replied, and that was the truth. One wish, to have her sister back. Everything else was just a bonus. Not something she wished for or hoped for. It was just something. This was just something.

“About Emily.” He asked and it took a moment for her to fully process what he’d said, then her instinctual reflex came into play. She couldn’t help that her hands started shaking, or that tears leap into her eyes. Or the anger that took her over it. It was just natural. It was just there.

“Don’t say her name. Just don’t.” She shouted, stepping forward and throwing her hands up. She couldn’t do this anymore, she couldn’t pretend this was just another situation. She couldn’t stand to hear anyone else say the name, and she couldn’t say it herself. She saw his look and shook her head. “She’s just been ‘my sister’ for so long that I can’t even say her name. I’ve said it… three times maybe… in the last year.”

“Why?” There was no anger, no real reaction. Just someone who looked like there was nothing more important in the world to him than her. Maybe he was right to worry about her, and worry about why she didn’t say her sister’s name. Why she didn’t say Emily’s name. After a moment he pulled her back to him, so her back as once again against his chest. 

“Because she’s mine, don’t you see. I miss her, oh God I miss her and keeping that one little thing for me helps me feel closer to her.” She hadn’t expected to ever admit that aloud. Never planned on telling anyone how she felt, but in this situation she couldn’t imagine not being honest about what she was thinking. 

“That’s love.” He whispered, kissing her shoulder lightly again before moving back and pulling her with him. “Come on.” He pulled her back to the bed and just wrapped his arms around her, and she had to admit, she was glad she had someone who knew her this well in her life. It was a blessing, one she wasn’t going to take for granted.


	7. Chapter 7

_ I do this from time to time, where I can never wake from a bad dream   
I do this from time to time, where I can never say the things I mean   
I do this from time to time, where I like to watch you as you sleep   
I do this from time to time, where I like to think of you with me   
_ \-- **_”Sirens” by Angels and Airwaves_ **

Bad dreams were what woke her most of the time, and today was one of the only times she was happy that a nightmare had woken her. Normally if she slept when she was sharing a bed, she slept longest, today though, she’d woken up first and that gave her the time to study the man who’s bed she was laid in. 

Ever since they’d reconnected two years earlier they’d done this. Whenever they could get a couple of days break, or just have an excuse to be in the same city they’d be together. Sometimes it never went further than a car, sometimes they’d spend a night together. Once they’d spent a whole weekend. They never committed, and never said they were going to come back. In their jobs there was no guarantee.

So she was taking the opportunity to just sit and watch him sleep. He slept almost as little as she did, so it was a rare moment when she got to watch him. He looked more peaceful when he was asleep, calmer than she saw him during the day. His intensity was part of what attracted her to him in the first place though. Despite the age difference, she had always been attracted to him, and that had played it’s part in her thinking.

Next time she looked up, her dark eyes met his blue ones, and she just broke into a smile. It was nice to see those eyes, no matter what she was doing. “How long you been awake?” He asked quietly as he reached a hand up to softly stroke her cheek. 

“Not long, about twenty minutes.” That was true, she had been awake for twenty minutes this time. Granted she’d only been asleep about that long since the last bout of wakefulness. During that one she’d laid and regretted the things she should have said but hadn’t.

“You been watching me the whole time?” That question was going to be a harder one to dodge, and a lot more difficult to answer. She had been, but whether he’d take that as it was intended. Not that it was malicious, but she guessed it could be seen as a little suspect.

“No.” She said, but it only took a moment for her to realise that he wasn’t buying that at all, so she just nodded and smiled at him. “OK yes, but I leave in a few hours and I just sometimes wish things were different. I like to imagine that this is every day, and you’re with just me.” That was the truth, and she hated that it was what she wanted.

“One day they will be.” He said, and at the look in his eyes she had to believe him when he said that. He truly wanted for them to be together one day. Then he pulled her back to him as he spoke again, and she was certain that he wanted this just as much as she. “Just come here.”


	8. Chapter 8

_ Maybe it’s all for the best _ _   
_ _ But I don’t see any good in this, no _ _   
_ _ Maybe we’ll find something better _ _   
_ _ But the lovers that leave us _ _   
_ _ Will always hold a place _   
\-- **_”Between You and I” by Every Avenue_ **

Walking James through the airport Merri thought back to all the times and all the airports they’d done this in. Michigan, Chicago, Cedar Rapids, St Paul… now New Orleans. She hated it, but it was a necessary evil that came with their jobs. “Maybe this is for the best MB, I’ll be back after this assignment and we can talk.” James’ comments made her think. They were going to ‘talk’ when he got back from Afghanistan. Instead she’d shipped him her ring back. That was it. 

“Maybe.” She commented, because she hated that they kept saying they’d talk but they never actually got around to it. They always missed it. “I don’t know though, J. Where’s the good in this?” Merri decided that telling him what she meant, that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk, but that she wasn’t sure him leaving was good this time. “It’s time we think about settling down, for real.”

“Really?” He asked, and it was kind of obvious that he was confused by what she meant. She didn’t mind at all that she’d managed to wrong foot him, as generally she would be the one confused by something that he’d say. Then as he looked at her, she realised he was thinking about what she’d said the night before. “I thought we could never have a normal relationship.”

“Normal is overrated anyway. I’d rather just have something that works.” She smiled, and that had been the decision she made when she’d told Sam it was over, and that she wanted James. “I always end up holding a place for you.”

“We always do MB.” They were stood looking at each other when there was another announcement, one that they had probably both been hoping wasn’t coming, but there it was, and it was time to say goodbye. “That’s my flight.”

“See you when you get back?” She asked, it was probably the wrong thing to say. All of a sudden, she really hoped though that this was the last time that she had to do this, or that they could at least have figured something more out by next time.

“Pick up my calls this time.” James smiled then leant in and kissed her hard, putting his hands on her hips. Not something he normally did, but she certainly didn’t have a problem with it. It was quite nice to feel like he was holding her. “I love you” 

“Me too.” She smiled and kissed him once more then stepped back, letting him through to security. She was already hating that she needed to let him go, but she knew that it needed to be done. Merri loved him, and he loved her. Suddenly she realised that there was something in her pocket, and picking the box out she opened it, and saw that same ring again, and she suddenly felt like she’d just been engaged to again, just the way he proposed before.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of torture involved in this one.

_ I can't seem to find the words _ _   
_ _ To remedy how bad this hurts _ _   
_ _ When you're staring down a loaded gun _ _   
_ _ Can anyone fall back on love _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Speak Soft” by As It Is_ **

The pain was intense, agonising. All she could feel was that pain, she no longer even knew exactly what they were doing, but that was probably for the best. She had no idea how long she’d been stuck here. She closed her eyes again, but that was when she suddenly heard a loving, supportive voice. “Meredith, Merri. Look at me.” She did as that voice coaxed her, then she met those blue eyes she’d seen every day of her life. “No speaking now. It’ll all be over soon.” Emily said quietly, but Merri needed to speak.

“I can’t, I can’t do it anymore.” She cried out, delirious now. She didn’t know whether or not Emily was really there or not, but that was something that mattered.

“You can do it Merri. You need to.” Emily was just there, making Merri focus, concentrate. She hated it, she wanted it to be over. She wanted to go home. She didn’t care anymore.

“Hurts too much. They are going to kill me either way.” She already knew that. There was a loaded gun in front of her, and she was trying to stare it down. The pain though, it was building and building. She couldn’t stop it. “It hurts, Emily.”

“I know it does big sis, but you’ll make it through.” Emily’s voice was still calm, and it was as though she was just trying to give all the confidence she could to her sister. Trying to give her courage and strength. As though that was all she needed. “I’m here, right here. It’s alright while I’m here.”

“There’s nothing for me to tell anyway.” She never had had anything to tell. They’d taken the wrong agent. No matter what they did, how long they made her stare her impending death in the face, she’d still never know.

“Good, then focus on that, or focus on me.” The pleading voice of her little sister was enough to keep her going a little while longer. That was until the next implement was added, and that was just too much for her. She still didn’t know what it was, and she never wanted to. 

“Just kill me!” She shouted, and when she heard the gunshots only a second later she hoped that someone was granting her wish. Maybe someone would be able to help her end it all. She couldn’t cope with the pain again.

“I got you Brody, I got you.” She heard another voice that was full of comfort and care, she felt two arms envelop her and she was being held by someone who clearly loved her. Brody was comfortable as the voice once again spoke. “You’re safe now.”

“See MerriBerry. I told you.” She heard just before her eyes slid shut, and Brody didn’t think again. The darkness claimed her and after all of what had just gone on, she really wasn’t sorry about that. Emily had been all she had to fall back on, her love for her little sister.


	10. Chapter 10

_ I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't _ _   
_ _ Let go of what's in front of me here _ _   
_ _ I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up _ _   
_ _ Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Only Exception” by Paramore_ **

Every time James had left he’d always left her with something. Sure, the last time had been so much more difficult, because what she’d been adjusting to had been probably the most earth spinning thing he could have left her with. So when someone she hadn’t seen in a while asked how she knew he’d return, it was kind of obvious. “He left me this, I’m pretty sure he’s coming home.” She pointed to the rather large bulge under her shirt and shrugged.

“That looks like it’ll be expensive.” Her friend laughed, just looking her over again before continuing with whatever narrative was in their head about Merri’s whole situation. She could deal with that. What she couldn’t deal with was when someone asked her a stupid question, and she already knew she was due another stupid question already. “You miss him?” There it was.

“Yeah. Whenever he has to go on an assignment it’s like I have to give up on this one thing that I want with all my heart and face reality.” Oh how she hated that moment, when reality came up to slap her on the face and say hello. She didn’t want to keep having to do that and she hoped that James’ decisions to stay home from now on came through. “He says he’s done after this. He wants to stay home.”

“He gonna be back in time for the baby?” She couldn’t decide immediately if that was a very, very clever question, or a very, very stupid question. It was one that really had her mind torn because it could go either way, and she hated things that could go either way, mostly because they never went the way she expected, so she decided to just answer it straight.

“If he isn’t he’s never gonna get sex ever again.” She threatened because she wasn’t really ready for him to not come home. Not when she really wasn’t prepared to be a single parent. She actually needed him, and he’d been gone so long now that she hoped it wouldn’t be long left. “He’s been gone almost six months now, he should be back next week.”

“Or, he could be back right now.” She heard from the street, and she smiled widely as she actually saw James striding across the road. How he knew that she was there she didn’t know, but he’d always been good at figure out where she was, and where she needed to be.

“James! I would get up to greet you, but unfortunately I’m too fat for that.” She laughed, but she could have used a cuddle.

“You’re looking perfect to me.” He smiled, coming and standing in front of her. She reached up and let him pull her up, at which point he just put his hands on her stomach and smiled. “We’re having a baby, MB, and that was my last assignment.” She grinned then kissed him hard, ready for them to start their family life together.


	11. Chapter 11

_ I can't say that I love you, I can't say that I don't _ _   
_ _ I can't say that I couldn't, and I won't say that I won't _ _   
_ _ But I really like your company, I'm enjoying myself no end _ _   
_ _ But I can't keep from thinking _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Share The Darkness” by The Saw Doctors_ **

Sitting looking at the man asleep in the bed made Meredith Brody realise that she didn’t know at all what was going on in her mind. They had done this a few times now, they’d finish a day of work and rather than leaving they’d sit talking, planning, and eventually they’d end up kissing, moving and then they’d make it to bed. She didn’t know how they’d got to that position, and she definitely didn’t know how she felt about the fact that she’d done it once again. She’d fallen for her boss again, kind of. At least, she knew he could fall for him.

The truth was, even as she sat watching him breathe she didn’t know what was going to happen. What she was going to think about or anything that might happen as things started going on. Pride was a great guy, she had a lot of fun with him and the nights that they were spending together were some of the most fun she’d had for a long time. That wasn’t exactly the easiest thing for her to deal with right now, especially given that he was only just officially divorced. Linda had been lovely, she knew that, but clearly she and Pride hadn’t worked out, and now that meant that he was single, and Brody had a chance.

Love, that was something that could come in time. She hadn’t planned on falling in love with him and truthfully right now she couldn’t say that she was in love with him, but she also couldn’t say that she wasn’t. Merri wasn’t even certain that she knew how love felt. That was the problem for sure. She’d thought she was in love with James, but the more time went on she just wasn’t as certain as she’d once been. As she was thinking about that she felt the bed move and arms sneaking around her. “What are you thinking Merri?”

“Do you really think we should be doing this?” She asked him, wondering if he truly thought that this was something that they were doing. Yes, she enjoyed Pride’s company, she enjoyed his humour, she enjoyed talking about cases with him, music with him, New Orleans history. She truly enjoyed almost everything that they had spoken about, and everything they had done together. So she kind of hoped that he would help her win over her fears.

“I do.” He smiled at her then sat up and kissed her. Reminding her of one very good reason why she should be doing this. She was going to be content with being as confused as she possibly could be, as long as Pride kept her like this, and kept showing her that she could enjoy herself without needing to know exactly how she felt. That would come in time. Right now, this was enough.


	12. Chapter 12

_ Framed pictures start to be put on the wall _ _   
_ _ Constant visits while I’m out on the road _ _   
_ _ It’s hard to leave sometimes _ _   
_ _ But you know where I lay my head at night _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Don’t Wanna Know” by New Found Glory_ **

Now this view was one thing that was making it vaguely OK for him to already be awake. Seeing his very beautiful wife as she was asleep, or probably only half asleep now that his alarm had gone off. She wouldn’t move unless she absolutely had to, he knew that much about her, and right now the only thing that could get her moving if she didn’t need to go to work was their seven-month-old. So he started getting ready and was surprised when he felt a pair of arms slide around him and heard a mumbled little comment. “Do you have to go?” 

“It’s only a week, then I’ll be home.” He tried to reassure her again. She’d made it a little obvious that she wasn’t happy he’d agreed to cover this story. It had been months since he’d been out on an assignment, and this was going to be a one off. He didn’t want to get back in to all this. It wasn’t his life now, his wife and his daughter was.

“You said it was only a week for Texas and look how that turned out.” Merri argued, and he had to admit she had a point, but at the same time this wasn’t going to be anything close to similar. He wasn’t even leaving Louisiana, or doing anything at all dangerous. Merri was just worrying, and he couldn’t blame her, but she also couldn’t keep using that one case as a reason.

So, stopping her from doing that was a top priority, even if it was one that was doomed to failure. She wouldn’t stop worrying. Not now. “That happened almost two years ago, you can’t use that as your argument every time I have an assignment.” He commented, shaking his head and chucking. Trying to make it seem like less of a big deal.

“I wish you didn’t have to.” She told him, quietly and sincerely. He wished that he didn’t too. But his duty called, the duty he owed to the public. Yes, he knew that this wasn’t necessarily going to go over well with them. But he wasn’t going to get shot at again. At least he hoped not. He was better at ducking now.

“I wish I didn’t either. Go back to sleep, Millie will be awake soon.” He knew that reminding her she’d have a whole day with their screaming toddler to look forward to was bound to make her want to go back to sleep.  “You know where I’ll be.” He leant forward and kissed her softly, hoping that she knew he’d rather be home than anywhere else. This was his life now. His girls were his whole life and he was happy with that.

When she pulled back from the kiss he just smiled at her for a second then looked to the door and back. One of their personal signs that they needed to leave. “Go, miss you already.” That’s how he’d be too, missing her deeply.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic finally got a non-sucky title!!!!!

_ All in all it's the perfect scene _ _   
_ _ And there's not anywhere that I would rather be _ _   
_ _ And it's now, now or never when we're chasing our dreams _ _   
_ _ And oh, it's getting close now don't turn away _ _   
_ \-- **_”The Perfect Scene” by Mercy Mercedes_ **

Meredith was guided into the hall and looked around for a moment as she did. It was clear that James was very proud of the hall he’d found for this, but she wasn’t so sure. “Look at this place, isn’t it perfect?” The smile told her everything he thought.

“Really, you think this is perfect?” She had to ask, but she hadn’t meant to sound quite as dismissive as she did. “Sorry, it’s nice.” She could concede that point, it was nice. Especially given how quickly they wanted it to be done.

“Munchkin is due in three days we were on a bit of a time crunch.” He put his hands either side of her bump and smiled down at her. She hated when he did that, but she also loved it even if it was hard to say no to. “I had to take what I could get.” 

“In that sense, yeah It’s perfect.” She laughed and leant up and kissed him a little, looking through the door seeing their friends stood off to one side she knew that they were all prepared for this, and they were probably happy for her. It was what she wanted, but she was also scared.

“Are you ready there, Mrs. Lathom?” James’ smirk made her smile again, especially the use of her new name. She wasn’t sure she was ready for that but it was coming. Along with their son or daughter, being addressed as ‘Mrs Lathom’ was soon going to happen whether they were married or not.

Stopping she stared at him for a second. “I guess.” She couldn’t help but hesitate for just a moment, because she knew that this was the rest of her life. She just needed to know this wasn’t only because they were about to become parents. “James.”

“Yeah.” He stopped trying to pull her instantly and turned, just looking at her with a mixture of concern and maybe a hint of fear. She wanted to do this, but she needed to be certain. She needed for him to be completely certain too.  

“We’re not just doing this for the baby are we?” She asked, hesitating for a moment. Just so much had happened over the last few months, and he had only been back a few days. That was how it felt anyway. She was excited, but also terrified to lose him or rush this.

“No, I wanted to do this for forever.” He clearly noticed that she was beginning to have a few second thoughts, and she was sorry about that, because the only reason was that she was afraid they were doing it for the wrong reasons. He could reassure her though. “Don’t turn away from this, not so close to it.”

“I guess it’s now or never? Let’s do this. Don’t wanna be anywhere else.” She had loved James for a very long time, so this definitely wasn’t the wrong thing. It just took a surprise to bring them to this point.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissue warning for this one. Major Character Death.

_ As leaves fell from the trees  _ _   
_ _ She became a memory _ _   
_ _ To a man who lost everything _ _   
_ _ Forever doesn’t mean anything _ _   
_ _ It’s just a promise that we make _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sleepless in Seattle” by The Strive_ **

Walking into the ICU, Gibbs didn’t even really need to look around to see where Meredith and Pride were. He’d seen the wall of blue outside, a symbolic gesture from their friends in the NOPD. He was glad that she got that. When he stepped up to the bed, Pride looked up and spoke quietly. “She was a good girl, Gibbs. Right to the end.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He knew that she would be. She had always been a good agent, a better friend. It wasn’t easy for any of them, but the one thing they could be sure of was that she died saving lives. 

“You want a minute with her?” Pride asked, clearly realising that Gibbs hadn’t rushed his way down here if there wasn’t something that he needed to say. “Won’t be long now.” He muttered, and Gibbs could hear the pain in his friends’ voice. Pain for yet another loss they endured together.

“I’ll stay, be with her.” He looked down at her, trying to ignore the people around, and the machines that were monitoring his friends’ slow decline. They all knew that burns and injuries this severe were fatal, and letting her go like this was preferable. That didn’t mean any of them were prepared for it.

Pride stood up, giving Gibbs the seat he’d been in. For a moment Gibbs wondered where the rest of the team was, but they were probably still working this case, trying to catch who’d slain their sister. “Her momma’s on her way, I’ll go pick her up at the airport now I know there’s someone with her, and I should call James.” Gibbs guessed that was the guy she was with now, had been for a while he was willing to guess. He shouldn’t have been jealous, but for a moment he was.

“Go, Pride.” He told his friend, watching as he walked out of the ICU, leaving Gibbs stood again at the deathbed of a dying friend. He knew from the colour of her skin and the slowing of the monitors that Pride hadn’t been exaggerating that it was going to be soon, so he spoke to her with the only words he could think of. “How’d you get caught up in this, Meredith. You were supposed to get out.” He leant in and kissed her cheek, then whispered in her ear. “Remember when I said that I promised I’d be around for you forever? I’m sorry that I wasn’t there today.” He should have gotten 

“She’s gone sir.” The nurse said a few seconds later, and all Gibbs could do was nod. Another memory, another ghost in his personal line-up of the people he couldn’t save. He’d lost too many he’d loved now, why was it never him? Why couldn’t it have just been him?

“Goodbye, Meredith.” He whispered to her and kissed her cheek once more before just sitting back and hoping that she was with her sister again, where they wouldn’t ever be separated.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set during Crescent City.

_ Here’s my chance for a new beginning _ _   
_ _ I save the best for a better ending _ _   
_ _ And in the end I’ll make it up to you, you’ll see _ _   
_ _ You’ll get the very best of me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”One Day Too Late” by Skillet_ **

Here she was. New Orleans. As soon as the possible assignment had been kicked to the midwest office she’d put her name down for it. It had been very specific, what the director had wanted, and not that many people in all of NCIS actually fit the bill. She was one of only two in the requesting office, so she was pretty certain she’d get it, and on the flight she couldn’t help but be excited. Somewhere new! Somewhere where she wouldn’t be the Agent that never settled. The Agent with a reputation for sleeping with her supervisor (even though that had only happened once). It was a new beginning, exactly what she had been needing.

Then, the colleagues, the memories there. A sudden blast from the past that gave her both warm thoughts and a chill up the spine as cold as the arctic in November. The last person she’d expected to see anywhere, and he’d been there on her second day in a new city. It almost seemed like some sort of higher power or fate or something was pulling her to this place and giving her time to work out the mistakes of her past. Some of them at least.

She hadn’t expected to be asked to stay. Especially not after the agent in charge had found out about the  _ Moultrie _ . That was going to be the event that haunted her entire career, she knew that. It wasn’t the only one, but it was by far the most egregious and the most dangerous. It was also the one that had been the most personally devastating. So when Pride had shown her he knew about that she’d just expected for him to say goodbye after the case was done.

Now though, she was sat out on a wall overlooking the Mississippi river. It was dusk, Emily’s favourite time of day, and it was almost as if she could feel her sister sitting there beside her, taking in the warm breeze and the sunset over the water and the land beyond. It was beautiful here. Perfect even. When they were children this was always Emily’s dream. Moving to New Orleans. Meredith thought that she should live it for her. “I told you I’d get here one day Emily. I told you.” She smiled a little, still feeling as though Emily was right beside her.

“I promise, I’ll make it up to you.” She’d always felt like she failed. Like not being there for the accident followed by not being able to determine if it was murder or if it was the tragedy that everyone else claimed it was. Meredith had a lot to make up to the universe, and this was her penance. “They’ll get my best, you’ll see.” She muttered, and as the sun slipped below the horizon she waited, watching the sky turn from red through purple to a bluey-black. It was only then she felt like Emily had gone on her way, so Meredith did too.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit, this is about that Gatornation pilot from the beginning of season2, but I forgot his name and I/Brody didn't care enough to go and find it out.

_ There was a time you’d scream my name, it used to be my getaway _ _   
_ _ Now all we do is just complain, maybe I’m the one to blame _ _   
_ _ But the damage is done and it’s obvious, we can never go back to the way it was _ _   
_ _ We’re drifting apart and it’s killing us, it’s killing us _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Farewell” by Simple Plan ft Jordan Pundik_ **

Brody had come to this coffee because she knew that people broke up over coffee, and she really hoped that’s what this was about. After all these months, she was certain that he had to know how she was feeling. “Back at the start, if we were alone together we’d have found somewhere private and torn each other’s clothes off.”

“I guess we’re growing up, maybe?” She wasn’t trying to be flippant, but that was probably how it came out. She was just not good in situations like this. If Brody had the choice she’d never have to break up with anyone ever again.

“Either that or it’s just not who we are anymore.” He started, and she knew what he was getting at immediately. At the beginning playing second fiddle to the guy Brody was really head over heels for was probably exciting. Now it was probably less than. “You’ve met your guy, what’s he called.”

“Not a new guy, really, but I see your point.” She rolled her eyes though at having to say his name again. She knew that her conversational partner knew exactly her ex fiance’s name, but by refusing to use it he was showing disdain for who he was and the position he held in Brody’s life. “James, he’s called James.”

He seemed to be angry about that, but she’d always been honest about how she felt for her ex-fiance. She had loved him for such a very long time that it was all she could do, really, because it was something she could never end. “I knew you and he had a poorly defined whatever, but I thought we’d be able to get through it and in the end you’d forget him.”

“I’ve never forgotten him.” Even when they were broken up, the memory of James had been what ended her relationships. If there was such a thing as a soulmate, James Lathom was hers, not any one of a number of guys she’d dated since. “The damage was done in this relationship the day I told you about James, and we can never go back to how it was or the way it could have been.”

“What are you saying Merri?” He asked, and for the first time in what felt like months she knew exactly what she wanted from him, and the answer to that was absolutely nothing. He’d been a nice distraction, but he was nothing more than that. 

“I’m saying we should cut the cord, before this drifting kills us.” He was military, he might see the symbolism in that simile. If he could spell simile… or symbolism. “I’ll see you around.” She smiled and stood up from the table. Leaving her share of the bill on the table. She then turned to walk back to work, almost certain that her colleagues were going to ask her all about it, but she didn’t care. This was for the best, and she’d stay single until James came home.


	17. Chapter 17

_ This is not what I intended _ _   
_ _ I always swore to you I'd never fall apart _ _   
_ _ You always thought that I was stronger _ _   
_ _ I may have failed but I have loved you from the start _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Fall For You” by Secondhand Serenade_ **

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sat sniffling on the stairs out in the courtyard, but she was sure it had been a while. Sure, the case had had a relatively happy ending, and they had prevented a terrorist attack in their city, but still it had beaten her up, and she wasn’t dealing as well with it as maybe she should have been. Feeling the shaking of the stairs she looked up and saw Pride there, and had to cover her face a moment. “Sorry, I… Just sorry.”

“Hey, I never saw you like this before.” His words were kind, and she was sure he was there to be a support. Right now though that meant she was going to have to tell him things he wasn’t supposed to know. 

“It’s this case… I felt like it hit me from all angles.” Between the sister who’d thought her sibling was dead to the tortured naval officer, there had been so many things that had felt like they were stabbing her in the gut. “First there was the sister who made me think of Emily then there were… other things.”

“Classified things?” Pride asked, clearly understanding why she was hesitant to talk about this. Why she didn’t want to tell him anything that could get him into trouble. She didn’t want to risk the family she had here because she had a stupid flashback.

“Yeah, classified things.” She confirmed, nodding.

“I can get read in.” He offered, and while she appreciated it, she knew it wasn’t really necessary. She’d survive, it just took a bit.”

“Pride I just.” She started then stopped herself. “I’m sorry I know I always said I wasn’t running, that I wouldn’t fall apart.” She’d promised that after he’d learnt about Emily, and her connection to the  _ Moultrie _ . That was then though, a year ago. “I was stronger than all that.”

“But now?” He prompted, and probably didn’t realise how dangerously close he was getting to making her reveal one of her deepest, darkest secrets.

“But now I’m back in that room with that light on me and that camera... “ She stopped herself, closing her eyes as the darkness began to envelop her again. She wasn’t being taken back to that place. Not even only in her mind. “I failed in what I promised you back at the start. But I have tried to keep a lid on it.”

“Brody, we feel what we feel. This case became personal to you, I get that.” Pride gave her a gentle squeeze, and she felt a little better, that moment of tactile contact showing her what she’d needed. Support.  “Go home, get a bath, read a book, call James, go to sleep.”

“Thanks.” She wiped her face and just nodded. If he could let her behaviour go, maybe she shouldn’t beat herself up about it too badly either. It was a flashback, she couldn’t control that, but she’d try harder not to let it affect her again. 


	18. Chapter 18

_ We’ll turn the lights back on and straighten up the room _ _   
_ _ I’m buttoning my shirt, I watch you as you fix your hair _ _   
_ _ We’ll stumble downstairs content on what has just occurred, never feeling awkward _ _   
_ _ But you know, I don’t have to tell you _ _   
_ _ It was never about that, never about that _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tequila Moonlight” by Self Against City_ **

She had no idea what had been going through her head this time. Not a single idea. She had had no intention of doing anything like what had happened. But one drink had turned into reminiscing, which had turned to kissing and before she knew it they were in his hotel room in the dark. Then this morning, it wasn’t awkward… but it had been something. Something subtle had changed and she didn’t know what it was.

“Merri.” She heard mumbled as she was getting dressed, and as she buttoned up her shirt she saw James flattening his hair, looking at her through the mirror’s reflection. She knew that he was happy she was there too. After all this time she could read him like a book, normally, and he could her. But she still didn’t know what he was going to say.

“Yeah?” She had to ask. In the end her curiosity would have gotten her if she hadn’t. She wanted to work everything out, and she knew that one way or another James would say whatever it was without her prompting. It was just easier if she was at least partially involved in the conversation. That way it wouldn’t totally be a surprise. 

“You know that… last night wasn’t about this.” He nodded at her, and she knew he meant that it hadn’t been about the sex. Of course it hadn’t been, not only about it anyway. They were people who enjoyed sex and she didn’t have a problem admitting it, but this was more than just that, and last night had been about everything that they were together. Not just the happy ending.

“Yeah J, I know. I shouldn’t be, but I’m glad we did.” She really, truly was. It had been all manner of wrong, but she was still content in herself at what they’d done. Not because it was wrong, but because she knew that it was what she needed.

“I’m not even going to ask.” He smiled, and she once again knew his meaning. He knew about Sam, about her complicated view on having a personal life at all. She had never really explicitly told him, but he knew her well enough. She’d make that decision in her own time. “Now you really should get to that work thing.”

“Yes boss.” She grinned as he handed her her jacket. She hoped that that made it less obvious that she was wearing the same clothes she’d been wearing the night before, but it probably wouldn’t. Her colleagues would notice immediately, and they would never let her forget it.

“Don’t call me boss, it’s weird and a little kinky.” He teased, and all she could do was burst out laughing. They both knew that was exactly who and what they were at times, and generally she was fine with that. Today though, maybe it was a little more poignant because she needed to make a choice, but really it was a foregone conclusion.


	19. Chapter 19

_ And all the kids names I've ever liked _ _   
_ _ Are tied to tragedy _ _   
_ _ And I don't want my children growing up to be _ _   
_ _ Anything like me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Passing Through The Screen Door” by The Wonder Years_ **

There was a reason Meredith Brody didn’t want children. It wasn’t always the one that she gave to others when she said she didn’t want them. In fact, she’d only ever told one person alive the true reason why she didn’t. It was really nobody else’s business. The only person who deserved to know was the person she wanted to spend her life with. Not her friends, not her colleagues. Not random strangers who might one day read about her life on the internet. They didn’t need to know, and her life was all about who needed to know. So far, in her entire life, the only two people she’d ever told were Emily and James.

Normally she told people that she just couldn’t see a happy ending. She couldn’t see the good in it for her. That she connected all the names she possibly liked to perps or to victims. Every possible name, every possible thought, was a tragedy waiting to happen. She hated that she looked on it that way. But she still did, and she couldn’t seem to stop. Even when she did, rarely, manage to talk herself out of that line of thinking she’d come straight back to it the very next case she was on.

Add in her job, she knew that there was a fair to middling chance that if she did have a child, that child would grow up without his or her mother. One stray bullet from a perp, one bad injury during an investigation and that was it. She was gone and left them alone. Children needed their mothers, and she didn’t want to bring one into the world knowing there was a fair chance she’d never see them grow up. But that wasn’t the whole reason. 

The real reason was that she absolutely couldn’t stand the idea of a child being anything at all like her. She was impulsive, afraid, untrusting… She never knew how to show someone that she cared about them, and she didn’t know how to accept affection from almost anyone. Some days, she didn’t want to be like her, but she had no choice. James was the only man she would have ever even considered it with, and that was a fleeting thought at that. Considering his thoughts on having children mimicked hers, she felt confident in saying that children were never going to be on the agenda for her. She was content with that.

Maybe one day that thought would change, maybe she’d be faced with it and she’d choose to keep it. But she doubted that. In general she was too careful. But she also couldn’t tell anyone else why she didn’t want children, because they would try to reassure her. To tell her that she was a good person, and that she deserved the chance to have a family if she wanted one. The point was that, she didn’t. Because too much would go wrong, and she couldn’t lose anyone else.


	20. Chapter 20

_ I could have given up a thousand times, in the past that was so easy _ _   
_ _ When the thought came to my mind, there was no convincing me _ _   
_ _ Plant my feet to face it all, side-by-side or a phone call _ _   
_ _ Living in tension with you still feels better, better than I've ever known _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Vicious Love” by New Found Glory_ **

This was the first time he'd really seen his girl happy anywhere in a long time. The last couple times he'd visited she'd been getting there, but she hadn't been totally happy and settled. Now it seemed like she was both, which gave him a reason to ask something that had been on his thoughts since they'd rekindled this relationship. “You gonna give up? Run again?”

“Not now, probably not ever.” She grinned and cuddled up to him in the bed. This was always where they'd talked. Where they'd truly opened up to one another. This was their confessional and he was OK with that. 

“Finally really settled here then?” He prodded, wanting to be certain she wanted to be here. 

“Yeah. I love it here, I love the place, the people… my job.” He knew she always liked her job, but rarely had it factored on her list of reasons to stay somewhere. Her team here had given her a family again. 

“MB… if you’re making a home here…” He needed to pause, he needed to be absolutely certain that he was phrasing it correctly. So much could go wrong that if he wasn't totally thought through on this, he'd ruin any chance he had. 

“Yeah?” She said before he could finish his thought, which would have annoyed him once upon a time, now he just found it endearing. 

“I wanna make mine here too.” He proclaimed, smiling over at her. If this was where she wanted to be, then it was where he wanted to be too. He was never home if she wasn't there, that had been true for years. “You are home to me, and I’d rather be living in whatever this is than anything else.”

“You normally run too J.” Meredith pointed out, and it was clear from the pain and disappointment in her voice she hated that he hadn't always been their to fight with her. He never wanted to hear that tone caused by his actions again. 

“Not this time, MB. This is better than anything I could imagine. In the past it was easy to give up, move on. Fight for nothing. When I wanted to leave I left.” That was then though, and as he looked at his beautiful ex-fiancee he knew that he would never be able to go again and pretend he was OK. Without her nothing mattered. “But I can’t leave you again.”

“It’s me and you. Us against the world.”He couldn't help but smile a little at that mental image. They'd always said it was them against the universe, maybe this was the universe reminding them of that. 

“Just like it should be.” He smiled and leant down to kiss her. Proud that she’d listened to him, and that she’d believed him. Once upon a time that hadn’t been possible, and he would have struggled to convince her, but this time they were both ready. It was time to stop running. 


	21. Chapter 21

_ Take care of yourself but _ _   
_ _ You’re nothing but trouble _ _   
_ _ Just the damage of thought _ _   
_ _ You’ll never recover from _ _   
_ _ How you love _ _   
_ _ A world you’re only dreaming of _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”You, The Room & The Devil on your Shoulder” by As It Is_ **

She was so sore, in so much pain, and she didn’t quite know why. There was no reason she should be in pain because there were no injuries that she could see, and as she walked into her house. At least she wasn’t alone. James was there as soon as she got in, making a fuss all about her when she got in. “Hey hey, sit down. Be careful.” He rushed over to her, helping her onto the sofa and just watching her as she settled.

“I’m so sore J, I don’t know what to do now. It all hurts.” She still didn’t know why, but she was sure that James would be able to help her work things out. Help her figure out what was causing the pain and how she could stop whatever it was that was causing it. That was why she was here wasn’t it. Surely that was why she was here.

“Just keep going, we need you to stay strong and to take care of yourself.” That seemed like an odd thing to say, especially when he was doing so much for her, making sure that she was alright. If he was there to watch after her, to protect her, surely the need for protecting herself was much lower.

“You’re great at taking care of me, though.” She smiled, watching him as he slid onto the sofa next to her. There was something subtly different about the way James was acting right now. Was he sick, was something wrong. Did she need to maybe start preparing for another huge loss in her life. That would be the only way to explain how and why he was acting this attentive. James wasn’t normally the romantic type. Or maybe he could just see how much she hurt. How much she needed support.

“See, this is perfect.” James smiled, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a soft little kiss, continuing to smile as he did. She was glad she’d let him back in. “You’ll be home soon MB, I love you.” She was still smiling, thinking about that gentle kiss when suddenly there was a bright light in her eyes and snapping fingers. That happy, warm feeling that she’d had was fading away as fast as was possible. She was amazed by the change, but she also just didn’t understand it.

“ _ Wake up, it’s time we talk again, troublemaker _ .” She felt the sharp, stabbing pain again, and everything that she’d numbed away through sleep or delusion, she didn’t know for certain anymore. All she knew was pain, and that she could hide in the dreams that she gave herself when she closed her eyes. She loved that imaginary world, because it was what she wanted most out of life right now. Happiness and safety. The two things she would probably never feel again. Maybe the worst damage she was getting here was from her own thoughts than anything that could be done to her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and finally caught back up.

_ I like her 'cause she's smart, headstrong and independent _ _   
_ _ She puts me in my place, but I don't know where I stand _ _   
_ _ And if only I could find the words or muster up the nerve to tell her _ _   
_ _ I'll never forget her and she'll always have a part of me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”A Part Of Me” by Neck Deep_ **

He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t pleased either. He just wondered why his friend continued to push something. Something she’d started pushing over a year earlier. Maybe Loretta knew him better than almost anyone in the world, she didn’t know everything, and he had made a choice here. “You set Brody on me? Again? Just like after Baitfish last year.”

“You listen to her more than the rest of us.” Ten words told him that his friend had figured him out. He listened to Brody because she challenged him more than anyone he’d met since Linda. 

“I don’t.” She knew what she liked, what she wanted, and was so intelligent that her brain worked at a speed he could only dream about. But he didn’t think he listened to her more than he did others. All he could do was defend.

“Dwayne, yes you do.” Loretta countered again, and he felt his annoyance growing more at her answers than the fact that she was right. If she didn’t act so superior about it he’d admit it, but right now he wanted to run away and pretend he hadn’t started this. “It’s rather obvious to us all.”

“Sometimes I just… can’t figure out where I stand with her. It’s been two years since she came here and…” Nothing had changed. Wasn’t that what he meant to say. But that made it sound like he wanted the change. The truth was he did, he really wanted the change, but he didn’t want to push. She was everything he liked in a potential match, but the inescapable fact was that he was her boss, and that would end anything before it even began. “It’s a fantasy anyway. I’m her boss.”

“You could always just tell her.” There was a hint of obviousness about that, as though he should have either already thought of that, or already done it. He wanted to tell her. He’d wanted to tell her every day since a year earlier when he’d seen her being questioned and knew how he felt about her. But he couldn’t.

“She’s always gonna have that part of me. First post-marriage crush.” He seemed far too old to be claiming he had a crush on anyone, but that was the simple fact of the matter. He did have a huge crush on Meredith Brody, and that was a problem. The way to avoid it was to never think about it, and absolutely never act on it. “But I can’t put her in that place, it wouldn’t be appropriate.”

“You know… she’s as interested in you as you are in her. Maybe it’s worth a try for you both to be happy.” Loretta’s simple advice normally won him over, but this time he just felt like they both had far too much to lose, including a friendship he wouldn’t really trade for the world. Oh but he knew they could be so much more, if only he wasn’t so afraid of trying, and failing.


	23. Chapter 23

_ Take all of your doubts, you can throw 'em out, you may be unsure but I know _ _   
_ _ I'm always coming back, you can bet on that, you're the only place I call home _ _   
_ _ Near or far, where you are is where I wanna be _ _   
_ _ Every lonely night, every drunken fight, couldn't make it right I know _ _   
_ _ If it hurts you bad, put it on my tab, I can pay it back tenfold _ _   
_ _ You're the only place I've ever called my home _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Only Place I Call Home” by Every Avenue_ **

All he wanted to do was reassure her that he was going to come home. Every time he was going to come home. He knew for an absolute fact that her mind was full of questions and doubts, because he knew that she was always unsure about them. She’d been unsure about them the first time they were together, she was even more unsure about them this time, maybe just because she wasn’t entirely sure  _ what _ it was that she wanted.

There was also fear, he knew she was afraid. Of course she was afraid. They both had dangerous jobs, in different ways, and that was exactly why she didn’t always like to get involved with people. He could promise her that he would come back though. He would always come back, because she was his home. Since the day they’d met, she was his home.

He had moved around to be with her, followed her as often as he could, but that wasn’t a problem. What was a problem was that she didn’t believe that he truly wanted to come home to her. Wherever she was was where he was going to be at home. Eventually he would make that official, but that wasn’t today, unfortunately. He just couldn’t commit to moving here already.

What tended to happen now was they would drunkenly fight on the phone when they were lonely. They would just shout about the fact that they weren’t together. That their jobs were keeping them apart. That was why they weren’t in a committed relationship, just something casual, because they both knew that it would hurt too much if something happened and they were committed. He desperately wanted more, and soon he was sure that balance would tip. No matter how much they spoke, or fought, it couldn’t make the fact he was wholly to blame for their first break-up right.

She was hurt, he knew that she was hurt. All because of him. He’d hurt her more than once and that was the problem. There was a list of things that hurt her, and things he’d caused that probably could have been prevented. He was sure that she would add whatever this was to that list. Though she would argue about it, he could say for certain that she’d never hurt him. He would pay her back for all the hurt he’d caused her, one day. 

He knew, beyond any doubt, that he was going to finally marry this woman. It may take months or years, but he was going to marry her. For his entire life he knew that she was the only one he was ever going to do that with. So, in conclusion, as he stood here preparing for her to open the door so that he could propose, again… he knew he felt like he was home. There were still things to work out, he knew that, but this was his first step, and he was ready for that.


	24. Chapter 24

_ But when I looked at her _ _   
_ _ I thought of only you _ _   
_ _ If only there was proof _ _   
_ _ I could use to show it’s true _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Crash” by You Me At Six_ **

All day the team had been asking him the same question, and as he came and sat down at the table, he was sure that he was alone with the only person who he wanted to tell the truth to. He’d walked out of a date, and that had changed the way some people had looked at him. Today at least. So as he sat down at the table beside the woman he had fallen for he said three simple words. “She wasn’t you.”

“What?” She asked, putting down what she was reading and turning to look at him. She was so beautiful, even when she was just working. The moment her dark eyes turned to him, he almost turned entirely to mush. He took a few seconds to just look at her, then he nodded again, getting ready to tell her the truth.

“That’s why I left the date. She wasn’t you.” He repeated, because he knew that she was as interested as the rest of their team had been. They were always interested in things like this  “When I looked at her all I could think of was you. Your face, your smile… the smell of your perfume when I was stood close to you, the sparkle in your eye when you’re talking about something you love, the set of your jaw when you talk about something you hate. Only you.”

She seemed surprised, as if that was the last thing she had expected for him to say. Maybe it was, maybe she didn’t understand her own draw, but she was special, and he knew that. “You… me… You never said anything?” She accused, and all he could do was smiled and shrug. There were a million reasons men like him never said anything, and he’d say the only one that mattered.

“I never had any proof… that you might even feel the same.” He had known that she was the perfect woman for him, but if she hadn’t felt the same it would have just been awkward. It still could be awkward, because there was no guarantee that she cared at all. He desperately wanted for her not to throw it back in his face, though he wouldn’t blame her if she did. “If I did, I could have proven to myself that…” He tried to explain, but she got up and kissed him hard, and that stopped him saying anything else until she pulled back from him, which just left him smiling as wide as he could.

“Is that enough proof for you?” She asked, smiling back widely as she leant forward to wipe the lipgloss off of his lips. He laughed a little, watching her as she sat back and grinned at him. “I only think of you too.” She commented, and that was exactly what he’d wanted to hear. That meant that she cared for him the same way he cared for her. That was everything he needed, and maybe they had a future.


	25. Chapter 25

_ Many roads to take, some to joy some to heartache, anyone can lose their way _ _   
_ _ And if I said that we could turn it back, right back to the start _ _   
_ _ Would you take the chance and make the change _ _   
_ _ Do you think how it would have been sometimes _ _   
_ _ Do you pray that I'd never left your side _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”What If” by Kate Winslet_ **

What had brought them to this point? She didn’t know anymore. They were getting everything out though, and she really didn’t want to leave. There were things she’d wondered, and James seemed to have decided he was ready to talk about them now. “Do you ever think… where we’d be now if we hadn’t broken up?”

“I thought we weren’t talking about the past.” She commented, only because that was exactly what he’d said not so long ago. He didn’t want to talk about the past before, now though he clearly did. 

“We’re not, we’re theorising. That’s something you like to do.” He smiled a little, and she remembered how he’d used to tease her about her job. The truth was that was their thing, they always had enjoyed talking and discussing. “Imagine it, we took a different road, I didn’t go to Afghanistan, or let’s go back further. Right back to the start, and I changed how often I took off on assignments. Would things be different now?”

“Probably. I mean, a lot would likely be different.” She couldn’t help but think of everything that would have been changed by the fact that they would have stayed together. They would probably not be here, she would have settled years ago, and so would he. So she had to ask his thoughts “Do you wish I’d never left?”

He seemed to just freeze for a minute, and she could tell he’d never planned for that question. “Yes.” He nodded after a second, and she knew how he felt, because some days she wished she’d never left too. “You know the only thing that would never and will never change?” 

“No, what’s that?” She was curious because she wasn’t sure if there was anything that she wouldn’t have changed. Only because she really hated where they were now, and so many times she wished it was the way she’d always imagined it would be.

“That I love you, deeply, and I always will.” The smile on his face made her blush a little. It had been a long time since someone had told her that, maybe because she hadn’t opened herself up to it again, because she hadn’t been able to move on from James to begin with.

“Me too James.” Merri had loved James since the day they’d met, and he was right, she wouldn’t ever change that. She would change the situation, where they were with each other. She could change everything, but she wouldn’t stop loving him, not ever. “It’s just a little bit like bad timing.”

Instead he just stared at her for a second and smiled, and she was a little taken aback because that wouldn’t have been her reaction to that. “Isn’t it always?” He grinned, then leaned over and kissed her. She should have known that was how this would end, and somehow she wasn’t sorry at all.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is far shorter than most

_ It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay _ _   
_ _ And it might be alright if you go _ _   
_ _ It hurts me to say that I want you to stay _ _   
_ _ But it might be alright if you go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Lover Dearest” by Marianas Trench_ **

Never wanting to leave was his problem. It had been his problem for the longest time because the pain that came from staying was the worst. He knew that she wanted to be with him, he knew that she wouldn’t turn him away but they both knew that there was no real chance of a future. There never had been because they were both too dedicated to their jobs.

If he left, or if she left, at least there was a possibility that they’d be OK, that they would be able to move on from it. The truth was they’d end up right back here next time they were near each other. They could pretend it would be alright but they knew it wouldn’t be, they’d end up right back here.

Just for once he wished he could stay, but he couldn’t. One day he’d come back, and he’d stay. But it wasn’t this time.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not certain that this one fits, but it could fit Brody.

_ To sweet beginnings and bitter endings _ _   
_ _ In coffee city, we borrowed heaven _ _   
_ _ Don't give it back I've never felt so wanted _ _   
_ _ Are you taking me home _ _   
_ _ Don't tell me you have to go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Summer Sunshine” by The Corrs_ **

They had begun here, and it seemed somewhat fitting that they were ending here too. There could have been so many other ways this could go, but this was apparently the way they were ending. It had been sweet, and she had loved every minute of it, and she always would love it. Theirs had been a relationship built up on coffee and shared work. They’d ended up having a lot more in common, and that was how they had become friends.

“It’s time to go.” The one person she was going to miss the most said, taking one of the two boxes off her and started walking away from the main door. She wasn’t prepared. It was time but she still wasn’t prepared.

“See you around?” She had to ask it, because she just couldn’t imagine not coming back here tomorrow. The fact that she wouldn’t see her friends, the people she had been working with for so long, come the morning was weighing on her. Especially not seeing her best friend again.

“Yeah, someday.” Her friend smiled, and that was enough for her to feel a little flutter in her chest. Missing the fact that this was it. At least, it would have been until her friend smiled and thought of a way to extend this bittersweet goodbye. “Want me to walk you home first?”

“That’d be nice.” She smiled, and even though this was end, maybe it was another beginning too. They could start things up again maybe, one day, and that was probably the most important thing. This was just the way it had to be right now.


	28. Chapter 28

_ I saw you walking in the street, don't look this way love please _ _   
_ _ Just let my heart, let it go _ _   
_ _ Take me back to that day, you turned and walked away _ _   
_ _ And said it's supposed to be this way _ _   
_ _ I'll be OK, 'cause it was all the same _ _   
_ _ I guess our story is ending here _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hello Love Goodbye” by To Be Juliet's Secret_ **

Could he not have just let her walk past him without saying something. Could they not have just been strangers on the street. She saw him, he saw her, but she hadn’t really wanted it to go past that. Mentally she begged that he say nothing else, but she’d heard him, and seen him, and that was the beginning of the dance they always did.

Why couldn’t her heart just let him go, let all of this go. 

Whenever she saw him, she was shuttled back to that November day when he’d sat in front of her in the cafe and told her he was leaving for Afghanistan. He just walked away, took off. They’d been having trouble, Emily’s death had caused them both to struggle, and they hadn’t been able to come back from it. He’d retreated into work, ran off to a war zone leaving her behind in Chicago, at the time. She’d then followed in his footsteps, and thrown herself into her work too. 

When he’d left he’d said it was meant to be that way. That if they were supposed to be they’d find each other again.

They were always finding each other, and every time it was the same ending. So she knew now that she’d be OK. Sometimes though, she still wished it was different. He always knew how to get under her skin. “Don Alvaro, neat, one lime…” Was that where this story ended? Knowing the two of them probably not. But sometimes she wished it was. Sometimes she wished she could walk in the street when he was in town and not have her world turned upside down.

Most of the time though, she just loved having him there. 


	29. Chapter 29

_ Love of mine someday you will die _ _   
_ _ And I’ll be close behind, I’ll follow you into the dark _ _   
_ _ No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white _ _   
_ _ Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for a hint of a spark _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Will Follow You Into The Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie_ **

Objectively she knew that one day, one of them would die. The chances were that they wouldn’t be lucky enough to go peacefully, that wasn’t the career either of them had chosen. She wasn’t angry about that, and she knew that he wasn’t either. It was their calling, and she knew it was exactly what they both needed to be doing. They wouldn’t be fulfilled in any other career. 

As it was, the way they worked. If one of them died, the other would be very close behind. It wasn’t really as though they worked separately. They shared the same dangers, the same situations. They went into every problem together, and that would probably make it easier for whoever it would be that wanted to kill one or the other. They would always get one for free.

She also knew that any death would be painful, and that it wouldn’t be bright. It would just be the impending doom, and they probably wouldn’t even know it. If they were lucky, they would be able to at least hold one another’s hands. Just that small amount of comfort for doomed people. That was her hope anyway.

Right now, she was just being reminded that she needed to embrace every moment they had together. They were together now, and they would be together for the foreseeable future. That was important. The end was just something she considered from time to time. If she followed him into the abyss, at least she knew she’d have company. That was enough.


	30. Chapter 30

_ Well now there's him, and now there's me _ _   
_ _ A secret to give and a secret to keep _ _   
_ _ And nevertheless it's never you let _ _   
_ _ It's more that I give and less that I get _ _   
_ _ Don't tell me to fight, to fight for you _ _   
_ _ After this long I shouldn't have too _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Fallout” by Marianas Trench_ **

James wondered for a moment if it was always going to be this now. Was he always gonna turn up and find that Meredith had someone else that she spent her time with. James didn’t expect for her to wait for him, but this time they’d had an agreement, and it was more painful than he expected to have come back to find her with someone else.

Was he some dirty little secret. Something she tried to hide away, while the other men in her life were something she’d let others see. Was he really that much of a problem for her. He couldn’t imagine he was, but it was a possibility. He knew that and he hated it. He would do anything she asked, but she wouldn’t and he didn’t know what to do anymore.

He let his guard down with her all the time, but that never got him anywhere either. No matter how deep he let her, he was never exactly what she wanted. He was never the person she’d truly want to come home to. At least he didn’t think he was. If he was, would she have kept pushing him. The more he gave, the less she gave back. All he wanted was her, nothing else.

Maybe she wanted him to fight for her, if he confronted her maybe that’s what she’d say. That he should fight for her, that he should be with her more or that he should spend more time with her. Maybe he should, that was a fair criticism, but at the same time, fighting didn’t seem to get him anywhere.

After more than twelve years he would have expected to know better what she wanted from him, but he didn’t. He loved her with ever fibre of his being, but maybe he needed to give her up as a lost cause. He would always love her, but if it was time to give up, then he should.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for Ryann.

_ On my knees, I’ll ask _ _   
_ _ Last chance for one last dance _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause with you, I’d withstand _ _   
_ _ All of hell to hold your hand _ _   
_ _ I’d give it all, I’d give for us _ _   
_ _ Give anything but I won’t give up _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Far Away” by Nickleback_ **

If he wanted he could have gotten down on his knees and asked for her to stay, asked for her to never give up on anything. He would have asked her for one more dance and never let her go, or he would have held her close to him for a whole night and shown her exactly why he needed for her to stay.

Instead, he was going to save her once again. They’d share a few words, a few looks, and then they’d go their separate ways. If he was lucky, they’d find time to steal a night together, and he’d remember why he’d fallen in love with her to begin with. Then they’d both remember that they were better off alone.

This time though he wasn’t sure he could go about as though nothing had changed. He’d almost been killed in the last year, and so had she. He didn’t want to think that they had let life pass them by because they were cared. That wasn’t really like either of them.

“You doing OK there?” He said as he held a hand out to her, pulling her up and into his arms for a moment. As he held her to his chest he remembered how it felt to hold her and call her his. Even if he’d never been able to do that with their own names. Only their aliases. 

“Yep. I’m OK. Thanks.” Her reply didn’t come until she’d had chance to hold him back, and he felt the telltale squeezed before she pulled away. He hoped that she missed them as much as he did. If she didn’t he would be disappointed, but he would understand that too.

“Anytime.” He responded, even though he wanted to just tell her straight up, but there was too much chance that she’d think he was joking, or that he had some other motive. Since she’d settled her he’d kept more tags on her, and that had made him wish she was his even more.

“I’m sure.” She smiled at him and blushed a little. Clearly she realised what she was saying. He would always be there to catch her and save her. As much as he possibly could be. If he had to travel the world to find her he would do just that, because right now this was what was important. Being with someone he loved, he’d let that opportunity escape him too many times.

“I mean it this time. Stay with me. I’ve never given up on this.”  He was going to beg if he needed, but as her dark eyes met his blue ones, he knew that she wasn’t going to need all that much convincing. The little smile on her lips told him that too. “Take a chance with me.” He begged, and leant in to kiss her. Hoping he was in time.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And caught up to date again

_ Am I all that you never wanted _ _   
_ _ Or has it been so long that you forgot it _ _   
_ _ All we ever share are dial tones _ _   
_ _ Take your conscience or take your chances _ _   
_ _ I'll mend your heart and break it in the same breath _ _   
_ _ All we ever share are dial tones _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Dial Tones” by As It Is_ **

Somehow Meredith Brody doubted that she was ever the type of girl that anyone had ever wanted. She was probably the girl they never wanted. Sometimes she was certain that’s why she had ended up fitting so well with James Lathom. He was the type of guy that girls never wanted. Certainly when it came to his attentiveness. You had to have a lot of patience to love James, but she also knew it took a lot of patience to love her too. 

Sometimes she wondered if the time they spent apart made them forget how much they had once struggled, but then they’d get together and there would be no problems. They would just slide back into their weird little slice of normal, and life with that. It was the way they worked. Nothing about either of them was typical. He was an investigative journalist with a love of being right in the thick of it. She was an interrogator with a black belt in aikido and a passion for fixing all the world’s problems. They really had no reason to work, but they had every reason not to. Not that it mattered.

They both dated other people, she knew James probably had a girl in every city, and she had a few conquests in New Orleans since she’d come here. They were taking the chances they were given, even though they both knew that the moment they were back together, nobody else would matter. She may be “playing the field” as Sonja had once put it, but she wasn’t ever going to take anyone else full time. At times her conscience bothered her, was she stringing these guys along? Then she remembered that she tried to be open about her relationship with James, so she stopped thinking about it and focused on having fun.

James had had this ability since the day they’d met to mend her heart in an instant, and break it before he’d finished the sentence. Now though he was getting better at that, and he was starting to put her first more. At the same time she was learning that sometimes him running away on an assignment didn’t mean he was running away from her. They both liked to run, one day they could run together.

For a long time, they’d shared long silences over the phone. Not anymore. Now they would talk about anything and everything. He would talk about his stories and the people he met. She would speak about her cases and her colleagues. The line was no longer purely filled with silence and regret. Now it was filled with hope, and Merri was sure that soon they would both be able to commit to each other. That would be the best day for her. The day they finally stopped running.


	33. Chapter 33

Bring on the wonder, bring on the song   
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long   
Bring on the wonder, I got it all wrong   
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long   
\-- **_”Bring On The Wonder” by Sarah MacLachlan_ **

Meredith Brody had once thought of herself being too jaded to truly believe in the idea of ‘love at first sight’ and ‘soulmates’. There was no such thing, just an adolescent fantasy of what adult relationships were. She’d never been a romantic, that had always been Emily. She had been too practical, too sure she knew what life was about, and she never had the time. She had a life plan, and it didn’t include a relationship. 

Then she had met James Lathom. The moment she’d seen him she knew that was it. They were at a party, but she hadn’t even started drinking, and nor had he. Although they’d stayed at the party, nothing had been able to drag their attention away from each other. To the point they’d ended up out in the yard watching the stars and talking. It was a wonderous night, and it had changed her whole outlook on so many things. 

Five years they were together. Five years of good times too. They’d imploded in less than six months, and most of it was her fault. She could and would always accept that. But when Emily had died she had just collapsed, emotionally she hadn’t been able to cope, and she’d probably expected too much of him. Even though they’d gone their separate ways following that, she’d still loved him, and she knew that she’d never love anyone the way she’d loved him.

Then over the years since they’d gone their own ways, she’d known the meaning of the term soulmate. It wasn’t necessarily what popular culture liked to make it out to be. For her it was James, not because they were a perfect couple, an amazing relationship. James was her soulmate because they could talk about everything, from serious thoughts to silly conversations. She knew she could call him just to talk about what was on her mind, and he would do the same to her. Often across continents and oceans. They had a connection and that was what made it impossible for them to try and separate from each other. Talking about her ex-fiance hadn’t even crossed her mind as being strange. Then she’d thought about it, and she’d been encouraged to try seeing other people, pull away from James more.

That had lasted for six weeks. Then James had appeared in her city. She’d tried to fight it, but in the end the heart, and the soul, had won out. Really, she didn’t want to leave James either. They were too perfect for each other really, and being it out him wouldn’t make her life easier or better. It would just make it different, and she honestly wasn’t sure she could cope with losing the almost invisible support that he often gave her. Pushing him down in her soul just hurt her, and she’d done that for far too long. She wasn’t going to do that again, it was time she embrace that he was in her life for good. 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK yes... I know 2x18 hasn't aired but since I know roughly what's happening in it I felt confident in writing this and still keeping it canon. Soooooo... yeah.

Sometimes I’m afraid of the dark   
I can’t find the light in my heart   
I can see my hand    
Pushing away from you hard as I can   
\-- **_”Fearless” by Cyndi Lauper_ **

What was it that they had all accused her of before they had learnt about Emily, that she was always running, always holding them at an arm’s length. It was just the way she’d become after so many heartbreaks and hard situations. She’d had to make herself distant, and maybe even a little cold. It was the only way she could survive all of the trials that the universe threw at her.

Through all of this though, her new family had stood by her side, had tried to support her in only the way they could. They all knew how hard she’d found it, and while she was grateful that there was finally closure on what happened to Emily, it didn’t help, and all she wanted to do was run away from yet more bad memories.

Instead, she knew she needed to confront her fears so she waited until she knew everyone had left so she was alone with Pride, because he was the easiest to talk to right now, and she just started speaking. “Sometimes I’m absolutely afraid of everything.” Maybe that was a little too on the nose, but it was also the truth. Fear was the emotion that tended to guide her most. “I’m afraid of the dark, I’m afraid that I can never see the light in any situations.”

“OK.” Pride just stared at her, clearly confused about what she was trying to say. Not that she blamed him for that, as it didn’t seem to be coming out the way she wanted it to. But she just needed to talk, and then maybe it would make sense in her mind too. the twisting, twirling mess of worries and fears that were snaking around her mind were making it so much harder for her to think about anything that wasn’t negative, that wouldn’t make her leave.

“But most of all, I’m afraid of pushing you all away. I already know I do that, as hard as I can, but now this is over I want to learn how to stop.” That was the only truth she really had left. Telling him that she wanted to stop pushing. She wanted to stay here, but that wasn’t her natural state anymore. She needed to be helped and she was certain that he’d be able to do that. 

“Meredith… We can help you, we won’t let you get away.” He reassured her, and that just made her smile, and once again feel confident in being here. the memories of Emily were now as tied to this city as they were anywhere else, but she could live with that. All thanks to her friends, and the fact they really wanted her to stay.


	35. Chapter 35

_ So lately, been wondering _ _   
_ _ Who will be there to take my place _ _   
_ _ When I’m gone, you’ll need love _ _   
_ _ To light the shadows on your face _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling_ **

What was it about this job that made her look at her beautiful, perfect family and think about the worst thing. What would happen to them if something happened to her. All she could think about was that, and she wasn’t even sure it was because of a case. Before she had the added complication in her life of a 10kg human who called her “momma” things had been easier, and she’d rarely thought about who would replace her. James would go on with his life, another agent would join her team. It would all work out.

Now, there was a small human by the name of Millie Adele Lathom who depended on her, and to that little girl she was not nearly so replaceable. Millie needed her momma, and that was why the thoughts about her replacement were becoming more and more common. There was nobody who would be there to take her place, because who could really take the place of a mom.

Mom’s were the ones who you went to when you needed help, when you needed a cuddle. Mom’s were there when your boyfriend broke up with you or anything disappointing happened. Merri didn’t want to leave Millie without that. Even though Merri had had problems with Olivia Brody almost her entire life, she had to admit that her mom had always been there for her, and had been there to wrap her up when things had gone badly, and had been there to help her when Millie had become a reality 15 months earlier.

The one thing Merri knew beyond all doubt was that he beautiful little girl was going to need all the love it was possible to give her, just in case. She had never been planned, and Merri was still learning about being a parent, but she knew that she needed to keep Millie protected from the outside world as best she could. James was an amazing father, and Merri couldn’t imagine going on this journey with anyone else, but she also knew that being a mom was a special commitment. One that she was going to cherish for as long as she possibly could.


	36. Chapter 36

_ You've earned your degree _ _   
_ _ Wise to know cheap talk from flattery _ _   
_ _ So I'd drop out _ _   
_ _ Before you're who you hate _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Degenerate” by New Found Glory_ **

The truth was that Meredith Brody was very smart. Pride had known that from the moment that he’d met her. She’d been the top of every class she’d ever taken, and from what he could tell that was largely without thinking about it. She could have been anything, yet she’d chosen this career. She’d chosen to fight criminals and protect people. It was a decision Pride respected, but he wasn’t sure he understood.

In a place like this, it was even more obvious that she was an exceptional mind. She’d slipped into conversations with these scientific geniuses and Nobel laureates faster than even Sebastian had, and that was definitely helping them work out who was and wasn’t a credible threat. It didn’t seem like she was enjoying being here as much as Pride was enjoying watching.

“I hate people like these.” She commented, falling back into step beside him. It seemed she’d realised he felt a little out of his depth. It was a good job he’d sent LaSalle and Sonja to search another lead. “They talk about how smart they are, yet they don’t use it to help people. Most of them are doing it just to tell other people they are smarter than them.”

“You know, you’re constantly telling LaSalle you’re smarter than him.” He commented, remembering the arguments he’d overheard the two agents having. He knew they were good friends, but Brody did tend to lord it over the rest of them at times.

“Well, I am.” She said simply, and that was when Pride realised that she honestly didn’t see the hilarious nature of that statement. It was something she said a lot, maybe it was too much for her not to tell them, but it could get annoying. 

“The irony was totally lost on you, wasn’t it?” He asked, and caught her almost instant eye roll. That told him he was probably closer to the truth than he wanted to admit. Either that or she was actually fed up of him. It could be either with her right now.

“No, I see it. The difference is that I put my brains where they’ll be useful to society.” OK, she had a point there. She was one of the greatest agents he’d ever gotten to work with, and she was totally devoted to solving her cases. “Most of these assholes never do that.”

“Let’s get you out of here before you become like these people you hate so much.” He decided that that might be the better idea right now, given that she hated these people. If she actually turned into one she definitely wouldn’t be happy with him.


	37. Chapter 37

_ I tried to be perfect, it just wasn’t worth it _ _   
_ _ Nothing could ever be so wrong _ _   
_ _ It’s hard to believe me it never gets easy _ _   
_ _ I guess I knew that all along _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pieces” by Sum 41_ **

Standing there she couldn’t really believe that any of this was happening. It seemed like a dream, and she needed to explain it. For years she’d tried to pretend she’d never need to do this.

“She was my sister.”

That was the starting point, and there was no way around it. She started speaking about the past, their whole past. How Meredith had tried to be the perfect daughter and failed, while Emily had never tried but succeeded. She spoke about how they would always tease each other about that, and how Emily had tried to convince her that it wasn’t worth trying. That people were just different. That had never stopped Meredith, she still tried to be perfect, about absolutely everything. 

Losing Emily had been the worst thing that could have ever happened to her. It was wrong, and nothing else in the universe could ever be as bad as that. Everything since had been a direct result of that one inalienable fact. Her sister was dead. Sure, eventually it had brought her to New Orleans, to a new family who made her feel like she belonged because she wasn’t perfect. But at the same time, she knew that without her their lives wouldn’t be that much different.

She wished that dealing with the grief was easier than this. She wished that she knew how to move past this one event in her past, and even with closure, with answers, she couldn’t move past it and that was why she was here. People didn’t seem to believe her when she said it wasn’t easy. Some commented that she made it look easy. The truth was the exact opposite, it was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.

Nobody talked about the emotional pain of losing a sister. Nobody told you that the pain would last as long as you breathed. Conventional wisdom said that having a sister was having a lifelong friend. How could that be true when you got so little time with her. So maybe Merri has known all along that it wouldn’t ever get easier, but she’d hoped one day she could do the things she and Emily had done and not feel that stab of pain. Sitting here, in this room, that was an observation she needed to make.

“This never get’s easier.” 

But really, that had never been in any doubt, and she’d known it since the first day. Sam, at least, had put aside their personal issues aside to help her find a good therapist, and maybe that would help. 


	38. Chapter 38

_ Another year over, we’re still together _ _   
_ _ It’s not always easy, but I’m here forever _ _   
_ _ We are the lovers, I know you believe me _ _   
_ _ When you look into my eyes, ‘cause the heart never lies _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Heart Never Lies” by McFly_ **

Somehow, with every year that passed he knew that they had made the right choice. The time they’d spent apart had proven to him that he’d needed her to make his world go around. So he just felt thankful, every time, that they were still sat there together. that they still had that connection. They had reconnected, and he was so happy that she hadn’t walked away from him after that first time.

This was not an easy relationship, nothing about it was easy. They weren’t the easiest people to get along with, and they weren’t the best people to get into a fight with. They were both stubborn, and very, very good at hiding how annoyed they were. But despite all that, he would be there forever, and he knew she would be too.

He knew that it was hard for anyone to take him at his word. Sometimes people just assumed he was lying, or he was manipulating them. He didn’t mean to make anyone think that, but it seemed to be what they thought anyway. He just knew that his girlfriend, his future wife and the love of his life believed him though.

An old wisdom about the heart had gotten them back together, another was keeping them together. The heart had proven what it wanted, and now he knew that the second one was true too. His heart had always told him that he was completely in love with her, and the heart never lies.


	39. Chapter 39

_ Heard she’s engaged now to her best friend _ _   
_ _ No-one’s to blame, that’s how it all ends _ _   
_ _ And I feel the pain, ‘cause I’m without her _ _   
_ _ I feel the pain _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sleeping With The Light On” by Busted_ **

“Weren’t you dating that navy agent, Brody, for a while?” Well, that was not the question that he’d expected to hear today. There was still a little stab of pain when he heard her name, but it had been 18-months. He needed to get over it.

“Yeah, why?” Whatever had brought that question up had to be interesting. It was likely to put him in just the right mood for dealing with his patients today either way. So he may as well hear what was coming.

“She just posted her engagement notice.” OK, that had been the last thing he’d expected to hear. He knew that she had always had a connection to her ex, and now… Well now Sam was the ex, and he was willing to bet he knew who the fiance was.

“To James?” He decided to phrase it as a question rather than just accuse. He knew it would be though. Merri wasn’t one to rush into something. To be engaged already, the only person it could have been was James.

“How’d you know?” His colleague asked, looking over the top of the computer and looking directly at Sam. At least this was an easy explanation.

He knew a missed opportunity when he saw one, and Meredith Brody had been a huge missed opportunity. He had been swiftly falling in love with her, but he had no hard feelings, or at least none that he’d express publicly. So he said the only thing he could have. “I just did. Well. I hope she’s happy.”


	40. Chapter 40

_ It feels like nothing really matters anymore _ _   
_ _ When you're gone I can't breathe _ _   
_ _ And I know you never meant to make me feel this way _ _   
_ _ This can't be happening _ _   
_ _ Now I see, now I see _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Everybody Hurts” by Avril Lavigne_ **

How was it that they had become so dependant on one another. How was it that they couldn’t even stand to be away from each other all of a sudden. They had spent their entire relationship far apart, only reuniting for short times. When he was away it was as though nothing mattered to her until he was back. What it was about this time she didn’t know. 

Sometimes she even felt like she couldn’t breathe when he wasn’t there. It was as though there was a catch in her chest and it wasn’t letting the air in. She just couldn’t seem to take that breath. It was all in her head, but it was enough to convince her that this time it was time she seriously think about their relationship. He even told her that the same thing was happening to him. What was this?

He never meant to push her like this. She knew that without even really having to think about that. She just knew that he wouldn’t make her feel as though she were dependant on him and vice versa if he had a choice. This was not what they’d been planning, either of them. They were just trying to get through the day and still be in love. The universe on the other hand clearly wanted more.

Scientifically, what they were describing was impossible. She was well aware of that. They couldn’t be so connected to one another that it would cause them pain, and it would cause them to struggle to catch their breath. She hoped it was just a sign of their love, maybe that was a naive, romantic view on it. But it was all she had.

Now she could see that this was all about the fact that they were in love. Wasn’t that the whole point. They loved each other. Maybe she shouldn’t be so surprised given that they had waited a long time to get here. She was happy they were where they were, but she wished this symptom would go away. She loved him, she didn’t need physical reminders.


	41. Chapter 41

_ But it helps me on those lonely nights _ _   
_ _ It’s the one thing that keeps me alive _ _   
_ _ Knowing that you wait for me _ _   
_ _ Ever so patiently _   
\-- **_”Wait For Me” by Theory of a Deadman_ **

James hated being so far away from the one person he would give up everything for, especially as he knew what she was going through right now. He knew that she wasn’t exactly alone, or even necessarily apart from the others, but to him right now, it didn’t matter if she was with other guys.

The truth was, she’d told him that she was waiting for him, and he knew that they would work something out in the end. She loved him, and he loved her more than anything. He was so lonely at times when he was out here, and he hated that he couldn’t just have stayed still.

Thinking about Meredith was what made him fight to make it through, and it’s what kept him alive. She was the reason he made it back every time. She had lost too much, and they were both patiently waiting until they were ready to settle down. It would happen, he knew it.


	42. Chapter 42

_ What makes us so right, is it the sound of her laugh _ _   
_ _ That look in her eyes, when do you decide _ _   
_ _ She is the dream that you seek, that force in your life _ _   
_ _ When you apologise no matter who was wrong _ _   
_ _ When you’d get on your knees if that would bring her home _   
\-- **_”What Makes A Man” by Westlife_ **

Telling Brody that he didn’t trust her judgement was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to tell her, and that was a problem to him. He shouldn’t be thinking about this during a case, but he’d always thought about her feelings during cases, it was one way he’d known that she was different.

He’d seen her spiralling, and that had worried him, he missed the sound of her laugh during cases. She was something special for him, he already knew that and had decided that he needed to do whatever he could to help her through all of this. He’d never had siblings, had no real idea of what she was going through, all he could do was promise to be there.

There was a look in her eyes that terrified him, because this case was so utterly personal to her, and the fallout from it would be just as personal. Even though she had been instrumental in this case, she’d never be able to testify. He hoped that now she could start putting it behind her, doing everything she could to move on with her life like he’d suggested.

He would apologise for this case, he would get down and beg her for forgiveness if he needed to, but he was sure that he’d be able to get through to her without going that far. He would get her alone, give her a cuddle and tell her that he was happy she had a resolution. It might not be everything, but it was more than some people got.


	43. Chapter 43

_ I know, I know who you really are _ _   
_ _ You know, you know how to break my heart _ _   
_ _ So I need you to be _ _   
_ _ My ancient history _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ancient History” by Set It Off_ **

Some relationships were just not meant to be. That was everything that she knew about this relationship as it was right now. She literally didn’t know anything else about it, but it was not meant to be. It wasn’t that they were a bad pair, or that they didn’t get on. She just knew that there was too much in it.

He wasn’t what she needed, and he wasn’t who she wanted. She knew the truth of him, she knew his secrets without her ever telling her them. That was partly why this just wouldn’t work. She didn’t need mystery, but she did need someone who accepted that she knew them. That she could see through them.

On the opposite side. He knew how to break her heart if he wanted to. She doubted he would, but he still could. There was really only one person that she was willing to let have that power over her, and it wasn’t the man she was at dinner with. If there was more to them, or she could trust him more with her future, that wouldn’t be a problem. But here it was.

This dinner was exactly what she expected out of a ‘normal’ date. Two people talking about their days, their jobs. The problem was that she was just not interested in this anymore. she was bored by the fact it was so uninteresting. There was no spontaneity, no mystery. She really wasn’t set up for relationships like this, and it was making things harder.

“I think we’re done.” She blurted out, and shook her head at herself a little. Clearly break-up weren’t her forte either. Maybe she was just destined to make people feel terrible around her, because she needed so much more than this. He argued, he told her she was wrong, but her was wrong. She needed him to be behind her now, and she needed to accept that normal was overrated anyway.


	44. Chapter 44

_ Cause every time I’m with you somehow I forget to breathe _ _   
_ _ You got me like a rag doll now I’m dancing on your string _ _   
_ _ And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me _ _   
_ _ But maybe all that we were meant to be is beautifully unfinished _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Beautifully Unfinished” by Ella Henderson_ **

When she stepped into the room absolutely everything stopped in his mind. James was fairly sure that he had to consciously remember to blink, to swallow, to breathe. He needed to remind himself not to stare, even though she was his. Today this was even more pronounced, as she looked so beautiful. He’d been waiting so long for this day, for this occasion. To finally prove that he was the only man she had deemed worthy of her.

The wedding had maybe not come how some people would have wanted, but he didn’t care. This was perfect to him. All he wanted was for this day, regardless of the situation, and being able to get up and dance with her was the most perfect situation he could imagine, wrapping his arms around her he leant around and kissed her softly. “You alright there?” Meredith asked him, clearly realising that he was slightly speechless, more than slightly. He swallowed again and just smiled widely.

“I am now that I can call the most beautiful woman in the world my wife.” That was the truth of this day, he finally got to call Meredith his wife, and that was the only thing that mattered to him right now. He knew that he’d always wanted this day, and that was the perfect thing for him, this family.

“Most beautiful iceberg, maybe.” Meredith laughed as they swayed, ignoring everyone around them. He moved one hand to the bump between them, and smiled knowing that within a couple of weeks they would have met the little girl that she was carrying, and it was so exciting that they’d be having all this change. His family would have a new member, and he couldn’t wait.

“My beautiful wife carrying my amazing daughter. My perfect family.” He smiled the kissed her again. Almost certain that this was still all a work in progress. It was something that he could be sure of, that nothing here was done. They would have more to do. “As with everything in our lives, probably unfinished.”


	45. Chapter 45

_ It's been a while since I've felt butterflies _ _   
_ _ Do you feel the same way too _ _   
_ _ If every single second could last that much longer _ _   
_ _ Would you hold me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Kiss Me Again” by We Are The In Crowd_ **

When he’d first met Linda there had been this feeling. The butterflies in the stomach when he knew she was going to be around, the sweaty palms as he waited for her to join him. The whole lot. It had been a long time since he’d had those feelings. Things had become normal with Linda, average. He’d still loved her, but time had tempered those feelings.

Then, Vance had assigned his team a new interrogator, and his stomach had started those same feelings again. He’d ignored them as long as he could, and when he finally couldn’t anymore all he could wonder was if she felt the same way he did. She was so perfect in every way, and he admitted he was maybe a little blind when it came to her.

Every night they were together he wished it would last a little longer so he didn’t have to let her go, and every day he woke up and saw her he thanked the universe that she had allowed him in this far. As far as anyone seemed to get with her. He could wait, and hope that she’d be ready one day.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is all dialogue, but is likely to be extended into a oneshot.

_ I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing _ _   
_ _ With a broken heart that’s still beating _ _   
_ _ In the pain there is healing _ _   
_ _ In your name I find meaning _ _   
_ _ So I’m holding on, I’m holding on _ _   
_ _ I’m holding on, I’m barely holding on to you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Broken” by Lifehouse_ **

“How you doing?”

“I honestly don’t know. Didn’t sent Loretta this time?”

“Thought that I’d come by and check on you myself, since there is no case we’re working right now.”

“I’ll be alright Pride.”

“You sure. I got a call from your momma, asking if you were telling the truth.”

“She didn’t want to believe Robert could do that. She didn’t want to believe someone we considered family was the reason we didn’t have Emily any more.”

“I can understand it, from a parent’s perspective.”

“I don’t understand why he did what he did, I don’t understand. I’ll never understand. It hurts so much that his selfishness is why Emily and I will never get to grow old together. We were both supposed to be married by now. She and Daniel were going to have half a dozen kids so James and I could be the cool aunt and uncle.”

“You had plans.”

“We did. I know that if I accept this, accept that things will never be what we planned…. There will be some healing. You and Loretta were right, of course. My life is important as well, but I feel guilty that I can go on without her. I have this broken, beaten, holey heart that still somehow manages to go on.”

“You’re stronger than you realise Meredith.”

“I’m not, I’m really not. One wrong move and I will shatter into a million pieces. The thing I’m best at in the world is making everyone think that I’m holding on, when I am a finger away from being overboard.”

“Then I’ll pull you back in. You’re in my family now, and you’re not gonna be left behind. You have us. All of us. Me, Loretta, Sebastian, Triple P, Sonja and even Chris. We’re all here when you need us.”

“Want to see some pictures? I was cute in high school, I swear. I was a nerd, but I was cute.”

“I’m sure you were, and I’d love to see the pictures. Tell me all about Emily. Get it out now, and we can face tomorrow together.”

“King…”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you. You gave me a family when I had nothing, you gave me a home when I was alone. I’m glad I could make you proud.”

“You always do.”


	47. Chapter 47

_ Now you wait for something to come of this _ _   
_ _ Well I’m here under your downpour, no _ _   
_ _ It’s not your fault _ _   
_ _ So please stop your crying now _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”It’s Not Your Fault” by New Found Glory_ **

It seemed like she was always waiting for something, and he had no idea what it could possibly be. There had been so much go wrong in her life that he could understand why she was always waiting, just waiting to see if something would come of any situation, good or bad. He’d probably be the same if it was him.

The only thing he could promise was that he would be there with her through absolutely everything. He wouldn’t leave her to fight through this all alone. She may have been left to do that before, made to feel like she was a burden if she asked for help.

He knew that she thought everything that had happened was her fault, but he knew that she was wrong. Nothing had been her fault, and she’d always done the best she could. It made him proud to know her, and proud to call her a friend. He wanted to ask her not to cry, because she didn’t deserve to feel the way she did. It wasn’t her fault.

All he could do was be there, and that was what he would continue to do. One day she’d be able to thank him for never giving up on her. And he never would.


	48. Chapter 48

_ All of the things that I wanna say _ _   
_ _ Just aren’t coming out right _ _   
_ _ I’m tripping on words _ _   
_ _ You got my head spinning _ _   
_ _ I don’t know where to go from here _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”You and Me” by Lifehouse_ **

Over the last few weeks he’d seen her disappearing, seen her retreating into herself, and he hated seeing that. He just wanted her to feel better about everything, between them they had seen enough tragedy that they both deserved some happiness, be it alone or with one another he didn’t care. They just needed to be happy, and this whole fight was centred around the fact that that was something he doubted he could do anymore. Nothing seemed to work. “I just wanna make you happy.” He shouted, losing his temper for a moment at her insistence that it wouldn’t change anything.

“Well maybe you can’t! I don’t think I know how to be happy. I’m never happy.” That was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to hear, and he was sure it was wrong. He’d seen her happy, he’d seen her laughing uncontrollably and teasing others. He knew she could be happy.

“I believe in you, Meredith. I believe that I can help you see that you don’t need to be that sad, scared little girl learning how to do things alone. You’re not alone.” He knew that’s who she still sometimes thought she was. The girl getting used to being alone for the first time in her life. She wasn’t that anymore. She had a family. “Let me show you that, let me break you of this habit.”

“I don’t need to be broken.” She snapped, and he had to admit that that had been a poor choice of words. Nothing he was saying today seemed to be what he meant, as though he was tripping over the words in his mouth. It would have been funny if it hadn’t been so pathetic.

“This isn’t coming out right at all. I want to show you that you should never be sad. You’re too beautiful, too wonderful, too smart to be sad.” She was one of the most amazing people he’d ever met, and he had so much that he could say about her, that he could think of her. She made him feel so many things at once he didn’t know how to explain them all. “You drive me crazy and I don’t know where to go from here, because I can’t seem to get through to you.” He tried, Lord he tried, but it didn’t seem to be working. It seemed that got through to her though, at least a little.

“I don’t know what to say, other than keep trying. Maybe one day you’ll get through.” She smiled, and he honestly thought that made it all worth it. She’d fought for so long maybe she really didn’t know how to be happy. He’d change that, he hoped. If she did, eventually, let him show her.


	49. Chapter 49

_ I just wanna run, hide it away _ _   
_ _ Run because they’re chasing me down _ _   
_ _ I just wanna run, throw it away _ _   
_ _ Run because they’re finding me out _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Just Wanna Run” by The Downtown Fiction_ **

Was it time the she leave again? Already? She’d really hoped that she could be here for longer. She hadn’t felt this much at home in a long time, but she was now. She finally had people who actually cared about her. Brody knew that that changed once this kind of situation happened. She’d let a bomber pass her, and that changed opinions on her. 

It felt like she would never get past that moment in her life. She was forever going to be defined by that 10th of a second. No matter how much she hoped that she’d move on, there was no evidence of that right now. Wherever she went, everything came back to the  _ Moultrie _ . It felt like the ghosts of that incident were forever chasing her.

Would she be throwing something great away if she left? Absolutely. This was not the kind of place she could leave and forget. She would want to come back here, to these people and this place. This was her first home in close to a decade, and though she wanted to go because she was terrified, she also wanted to stay.

Her instinct would always be to run when people were finding her out. Seeing her secrets. The  _ Moultrie _ , Emily, James… These were the things she normally kept to herself, but not here. She knew if she stayed they would find all that out. She wanted to run, but she knew that she was making a better decision to stay here. They would be able to deal with her past, she was sure of that. That was important.


	50. Chapter 50

_ And I thought you'd feel the same as me, it's time that I come clean _ _   
_ _ But, but for now can we just both pretend to sleep _ _   
_ _ Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need _ _   
_ _ What goes around don't come around and you should know me by now _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”By Now” by Marianas Trench_ **

They’d been bickering about the nature of their relationship for the better part of an hour, and even though they were both still laid in her bed, and after the earlier activity should both be exhausted, they were just arguing. “James, can we just sleep?”

“We should talk about this MB, it’s been a year.” That was his big issue. It had been a year, and they still hadn’t been as clear as they could have been on the nature of their relationship. It was a very murky subject.

“I know that.” She snapped again, and clearly he was really beginning to push it too far. This was too important for him to give up on though. He just couldn’t. He wanted to fight for their relationship, and fight for what he wished it could be, would be if she gave them a chance.

“I also know that you want a normal relationship, you want to have that guy who is always home and just doesn’t live their life jetting around the world… but what we want isn’t always what we need.” That had been partly how he’d realised that he needed Meredith in his life. he hadn’t always wanted her, but he’d needed her friendship, her guidance. Even when they weren’t talking much.

“What do you mean?” She tilted her head, but looked a little less angry at him and started settling back against the bed. He was happy that she seemed slightly less likely to murder him now, but that could still change.

“You keep telling me about these guys you went on dates with, how they never understood your love of your job. You need someone who does. I do.” He would make that point forever. Understanding how much she loved her job was how you understood Meredith Brody. Without that, she wasn’t her, and if you tried to take it away how could you say you loved her.

“I know you do. J, I love you but… I don’t know if I can do that again.” Maybe she had a valid point, he hadn’t been the greatest partner before, but he was older now, and more willing to put her first, make her a higher priority. That had always been his failing.

“I can’t promise much, but I can always promise one thing.” He smiled at her, and saw her continuing to loosen up. She had been so tense and wound up, maybe this argument was the best thing for her, she was lighter now.

“What’s that?” She asked, moving a little more into his arms, letting him kiss her on the temple as she got comfortable again. He loved holding her, and right now it seemed appropriate.

“That I’ll come home to you.” He would always promise that, and he could be certain that it would be true. This was his home, and without Meredith he would just wander aimlessly. He loved her, and he wanted more than this. She should know him by now.


	51. Chapter 51

_ But some days you wake up and feel like you need love _ _   
_ _ You can't see your smile, your eyes, not the way that I do _ _   
_ _ Don't you ever feel worthless, just know that you're perfect _ _   
_ _ And I'd change the world before I changed a thing about you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”About You” by Shane Filan_ **

Watching her as she looked so broken and down, and he knew that right now all she needed was someone to love her completely unconditionally. That was how he felt about her, but he knew that she didn’t always believe that. Not that he could blame her, because he wasn’t the best at saying exactly what he meant, exactly what he needed to say. He tried, but it didn’t always come out right. 

She never saw herself the way that he did. She had come into his life by surprise and changed everything around. All of it was for the best too. From how intelligent and funny she was, to how exceptionally beautiful she looked when she wasn’t even trying. All he could ever think was that she was one of the most underestimated people he’d ever known, and nobody underestimated her more than she did herself. He saw something in her, and she didn’t see the same.

Sometimes she acted as though nothing she did was enough for their team. Like she was a step behind, or that her thoughts and opinions were worthless. The truth was that she was often several steps ahead of everyone, and that was exactly what they needed. What she said that sounded ridiculous ended up being exactly what they needed, and eventually the rest of them would realise it. He wondered how it felt to always be the most intelligent person in a room, but he’d never ask. 

“Don’t ever change, you’re perfect as you are now.” He said to her once, and the smile on her face had been all the reward he needed. He then made a pact to tell her that more often. She needed to know there was someone who was always on her side, and that would be him. She’d proven she was right, even when she wasn’t on top of her game. He’d be an idiot to ignore a talent like that, and he loved her the way she was.

 


	52. Chapter 52

_I keep coming back begging you for more_ _  
_ _Watch my knees as they fall to the floor_ _  
_ _Want you to push, you always take the shove_ _  
_ _You don’t need this broken kind of love_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Ugly Love” by Griffin Peterson_ **

He was ready to beg her, he was ready to promise her the entire world. Every time he came back he hoped the same thing, that she’d be ready for them this time. He’d so far been disappointed.

So begging was maybe his only choice, or making some sweeping gesture. Neither choice was really like either of them, but he really didn’t want to lose her again. He’d let her go once, he’d left her behind and tried to go about his life without her. It hadn’t worked.

Their love was maybe a little broken, a little damaged, and it wasn’t what either of them needed. Yet it was what they had, and for him it was what he wanted. He couldn’t imagine coming home to anyone else.

Pushing her had never worked, and she’d never pushed back particularly. So he was going to have to do something drastic, just to show her he was really up for it this time.


	53. Chapter 53

_ Hold out your hand _ _   
_ _ And lean on me _ _   
_ _ I’ll be the one to _ _   
_ _ Make you smile again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Heartburn” by Architects_ **

Brody had watched how hard the last few months had been for her friends, but the one who worried her most was Pride. She knew that he was struggling with everything, and he really didn’t want anyone to know how much he was struggling. While she’d been teasing LaSalle about being Percy work husband, she’d realised that he could easily have shot back with the truism too about her and Pride. He had been there for her through everything with Emily, and he had let her follow her gut, she owed him.

She kept an eye on him, and one night as they were just in the bar listening to something she’d took his hand and smiled, leading him to the dance floor, she wanted to be able to talk to him a little quietly, and this was the easiest way. She smiled as they danced together slowly, whispering in his ear about how she was there if he ever needed anyone.

The last thing she’d expected was for him to take her up on it, but he had soon enough. He’d sought her out, and he’d told her everything he’d been struggling with. The danger to Laurel seemed to have shaken something loose in him, and she’d hated that she hadn’t been allowed to do more to help them then. So she did what she could, letting him lean on her, take the support that he needed.

What seemed to help most was telling him stupid stories about life and everything else. She enjoyed being able to do that, and she saw the first smile in days, and she was happy to see that back. He’d always been liberal with his happiness, and she had been worried when he’d seemed to lose that. At least that part of him was still there, and maybe she could reach it more often.


	54. Chapter 54

_ Where did I go wrong I lost a friend _ _   
_ _ Somewhere along in the bitterness _ _   
_ _ And I would have stayed up with you all night _ _   
_ _ Had I known how to save a life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”How To Save A Life” by The Fray_ **

Once upon a time this man had been her friend. He’d been her confidant, someone she had trusted beyond all others. She knew that she would have been able to go to him with anything and depend on his advice. That didn’t seem to be the position any longer. Now he seemed to view her as something less than she’d been. Had that one mistake really been enough to change how people thought about her that much. 

Some she’d known had given her their confidence. They’d supported her publicly and privately. She knew they were behind her. This one just hurt, because she’d just assumed that he’d be on her side. They had trained together, they had known each other since their first days in this career. 

So she’d lost a friend, and she was pretty bitter about it. All she could think about was the nights they’d spent up talking and working, trying to crack the latest problems. Eventually those nights had faded off, and then they’d gotten different assignments. Now, in her most needy hour, he just wasn’t there. She needed him, all her friends, and many had abandoned her.

Mistakes were human, she couldn’t really be ostracised for something that anyone could have done. That wasn’t the way it seemed though. She didn’t know exactly where she’d gone wrong, but she clearly had at some point. It didn’t matter anyway, she just needed to move on. What bothered her was that these people would all still be behind her if only she’d known what to do, and she could have saved lives.


	55. Chapter 55

_ I’d give you today but it’s not mine yet _ _   
_ _ I’ll ask you to stay with me here ‘til then _ _   
_ _ I think I’m falling for you _ _   
_ _ I just want to look in your eyes and see _ _   
_ _ All that you have looking back at me _ _   
_ _ I think tonight, I love you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight, I Love You” by The Latency_ **

Meredith Brody was not good at giving people the future. She was not good at promising anything, she never had been. That had largely been her failing when it came to relationships. Most people couldn’t cope with who she was, and the way that she was. Standing here with her sometime fiance, she had to admit that she didn’t know what she could promise him. “I can’t promise you forever, you know that.”

“That’s not what I’m looking for, MB.” It was nice to hear James say that, and it made her happy to know that he wasn’t expecting too much out of her. She could only offer so much, and she was never sure if that was enough for him, or anyone else. “I just want you, for as long as you want me.” 

“James…” It was a lovely thing to say, and she loved that he wanted to leave her in control. She knew that he wanted them to be a forever thing, and she could live with that. As long as he understood that she didn’t think she knew how she’d feel in a day or two or five. She couldn’t promise that. “I wish I could say about tomorrow.”

“But you can’t, I get it.” He was being totally understanding, and she didn’t get it. She knew that he could be, but this was more than even she was used to. She hoped that he was really as happy about all of this as he was making it appear. Otherwise she was just going to disappoint him in the long run. 

“I can say something though, about tonight.” A smile played on her lips, and she knew that would make him curious about what was going on in her mind. It was often a very confusing place, and James had been able to figure out about her more than anyone else. Telling him this part of how she felt wasn’t going to hurt either of them, in fact, it could help more than anything else.

“Yeah?” He smiled a little too, clearly just wondering what she had decided to offer him. He was so wonderfully patient, and he deserved so much more than what she gave him. She just wanted to be certain. 

“Tonight… I love you.” There, she’d said it, and James could do with that knowledge what he wanted. She didn’t often say those words, because so few people deserved her love. James was the person she’d said it most to, and that was with good reason. She also knew that she could find out about tomorrow a very simple way. “You could always stay… and we’ll see how I feel in the morning.” The look on his face told her all that he thought to that, and a second later he pulled her to him and kissed her hard. She was willing to bet that he felt the same for her, and was happy to stay.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are four drabbles in this set.   
> 1: Brody/Pride  
> 2: Percy/LaSalle/Bishop  
> 3: Brody/Gibbs  
> 4: Percy/LaSalle

_ You tell me of his interests, how he loved the sound of trains _ __   
_ Whenever you hear that whistle, it’s calling out his name _ __   
_ All the lonely years you suffered, remembering back when _ __   
_ The days seem so much longer now, I hope you meet again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Hope You Meet Again” by The Saw Doctors_ **

There was something about the sound of this place now that didn’t sound the same. It was a gentle difference, but a difference nonetheless. It was as though she could still see his fingers dancing over the keys, playing her any little song that he could think about. Trying to cheer her up or really anything, so much of his life was music.

The longer she sat thinking about his fingers on those keys, the more she thought about other things she’d watched them do, typing on keyboards, firing on suspects, drilling against a table during long, exhausting interrogations. Slipping buttons through the holes on her blouse and running through her hair. Why did she think so much about his fingers. His one true love.

The music, the sounds of the city, so subtly different, but different enough that she felt sick sometimes when she heard them. It was as though there was a physical kick to the stomach. In a few months she would be feeling literal ones, but he would never know about that. They had never planned on that, it had never even been something they’d discussed, and she hadn’t found out until the day of his funeral. But there it was, something of him going on.

A month had passed since then, and everyone was trying to pick her up but she couldn’t seem to get over the hump. The only person she’d told about the baby was Laurel, and that was great, but they both wished that Dwayne was there to learn about his new child. She couldn’t face doing it alone, but she had Laurel. That was something.

Maybe the music of the city was secretly his way of telling her that he was still with her, that as long as she could hear music that touched her soul, he was there with her. Watching over her and their baby. Maybe he had met Emily, and they were telling each other all of her secrets. That mental image drew a smile from her. She knew they’d get along, and she could see Emily’s reaction, and how she’d be so angry Merri was alone again.

Once upon a time she never would have imagined being in this kind of situation. She had always accepted that James had a dangerous career, and that she and Dwayne had one too. She’d always known she could be left a widow. Somehow though, she’d never really imagined it would actually happen. She’d always thought there would be a last minute rescue, and they’d be saved.

Dwayne Pride had, however, given her something precious. Something she never thought she’d want. She would always and forever have a part of the man who had given her a home, a family and someone she could always depend on. The days seemed longer now, and far less happy, but she was sure that was all in her mind. She just had to focus on the fact that, one day, they would meet again

* * *

_ You tell me of his interests, how he loved the sound of trains _ __   
_ Whenever you hear that whistle, it’s calling out his name _ __   
_ All the lonely years you suffered, remembering back when _ __   
_ The days seem so much longer now, I hope you meet again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Hope You Meet Again” by The Saw Doctors_ **

The procession had ended at the office, and neither of Chris’ girls had wanted to talk, so they’d left. Ellie Bishop had made an urgent trip from DC to be here in time, then she’d barely spoken since she got here. Brody and Pride could deal with everything for a little while. They still had each other, they could depend on each other. As they sat at a bench in Jackson Square Sonja was just silent when she heard her companion speak. “You know he used to love the sound here.”

“Really?” Sonja had never known that. She’d thought she’d known everything about Christopher LaSalle, and only in death was she learning that she’d barely scratched the surface.

“Yeah, this is where we came on our first official date, and it’s where he told me about his brother and everything else.” Sonja looked at the woman sat beside her more than a little surprised. Chris wasn’t normally shy about talking about Cade and his problems, so she wondered why it had taken so long, but then Ellie continued talking. “Things I knew, but I didn’t  _ know _ . Does that make sense?”

“It does.” She had to think for a second, but she did actually know what Ellie meant. She meant that she’d known in a professional sense, but not how it had affected Chris. That made Sonja think about what she and Chris had done, and she had to laugh remembering the one thing that always made her laugh. “We used to sit out in City park, and he’d get annoyed at the squirrels.”

“He always got annoyed at squirrels.” Ellie snorted after a second, and Sonja didn’t need to look up to know that Ellie was crying again. She just nudged the other woman lightly with her shoulder, hoping that was enough for right now. More would breach a wall Sonja wasn’t sure she was ready to let come down.

“He threatened to shoot one once.” She laughed, trying to stop Ellie from crying. She knew they must look silly, still dressed from the funeral, sat in the middle of Jackson Square. A squirrel chose that moment to make a run for it, and Sonja remembered that Chris had never actually shot one. “I don’t think he ever did.”

“I miss him, Sonja.” Ellie whispered a moment later, and Sonja knew she hadn’t been successful in convincing the other agent not to cry. It was a hard time, and she knew that little would make it better.

“I do too. So very much.” She admitted, and that took more than she expected. She’d shared almost everything with Ellie, and she didn’t know why telling her that she missed Chris was so much harder than other things. The one thing she could be certain of though was that at least they’d have each other. “We’ll get through it though, together.” She held her hand out to Ellie and tried to smile, though she was sure she failed. It was a start.

* * *

_ You tell me of his interests, how he loved the sound of trains _ __   
_ Whenever you hear that whistle, it’s calling out his name _ __   
_ All the lonely years you suffered, remembering back when _ __   
_ The days seem so much longer now, I hope you meet again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Hope You Meet Again” by The Saw Doctors_ **

The call had come by surprise, and it hadn’t been what either of them had expected to hear. He had known about Brody’s interesting history with Gibbs, at least parts of it. He’d also known it wasn’t entirely over when she’d arrived in New Orleans. They had been close, at one time, and he knew they still spoke regularly. Judging from her reaction, he’d been correct that first day they’d all met, whatever had gone on with them may have been classified, but it was also clearly deeply personal.

Brody was sat at the table dumbstruck, it was clear that she wasn’t going to be all that much use today, he wasn’t unaffected either. He had lost his oldest friend. The one person he’d always known he could call at any point and get good advice, get help, or get a verbal ass kicking if it was necessary. Sometimes all three at once. It had been an important relationship in Pride’s life, and losing that really didn’t help.

“He used to sing you know.” Brody’s voice came out of nowhere, and when Pride looked to her she was still just staring down into her mug. Pride honestly wasn’t even sure that she knew for certain there was anyone else in the room with her. “It was how he’d distract me when we were on assignment.”

“I didn’t.” At least, he didn’t know that Gibbs would sing on assignment. Somehow, it didn’t surprise Pride at all that that was how Brody could be distracted, he’d seen how she listened in the bar, and that convinced him that she had a love of music. “I didn’t know you were this close. I was right, wasn’t I?”

She nodded rather than giving him a response, and he wondered for a moment if that’s what happened on those trips she’d take when they had a few days off. He’d assumed she was going seeing James, but he knew that Brody wasn’t interested in commitment, and Gibbs had had enough of that too. They would have been good together. It was another question that he could add to a growing list that he’d never be able to ask his friend. At least not until they met again, and he was sure they’d do that one day. 

Gibbs would finally be at some kind of peace now, something the man had desperately needed, but as Pride looked over Brody he wondered how much loss that woman was supposed to endure. He’d noted the similarities she’d already had to Gibbs, in her strengths, her style and her personality. This was not a similarity she needed to share with their mutual friend, but it seemed like her destiny was to have that behind her. Pride made a silent promise to his friend that he’d never leave Brody to cope with this alone. It was really the very least he could do. She needed a friend and a shoulder to lean on, Pride could always be both those things.

* * *

 

_ You tell me of his interests, how he loved the sound of trains _ __   
_ Whenever you hear that whistle, it’s calling out his name _ __   
_ All the lonely years you suffered, remembering back when _ __   
_ The days seem so much longer now, I hope you meet again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Hope You Meet Again” by The Saw Doctors_ **

It had been too often her job to break the news of a loved ones death, but this time it wasn’t just any partner, it wasn’t just any death. This was her friend, someone she knew so well. Stepping out of the recovery room where she’d been allowed to wait she had to hold herself for a minute and calm herself down before walking through to her teammates. She caught Pride’s eye and shook her head softly, before she knelt down in front of LaSalle. “I’m sorry Chris. She didn’t come through.”

“Merri, are you sure.” There was a break in his voice that made her heart break for him. She remembered the scene after Savannah had died, the hopelessness that LaSalle had had then. He’d gotten himself back in Percy, they had fit together well, and Brody had known they would always have a connection to each other that Brody had rarely if ever experienced with another person. That actually made telling him this harder.

“I’m sure.” She looked up to Pride again, and she saw the same battle she was feeling going on in his eyes. He was broken by the death of their teammate, their friend, but they were both trying to focus on LaSalle, trying to make sure that he knew they weren’t going to leave him alone.

“She used to hate hospitals. She couldn’t stand the sound of the calls.” That was an interesting bit of information that Brody hadn’t known. But now she did, and she couldn’t help but smile a little. Clearly LaSalle wasn’t done with his odd memory of their friend. “She used to love the smell of the hand-wash though.”

“Come on Christopher, let’s go home.” Pride started, convincing LaSalle to stand up, but after a couple of steps LaSalle stopped, forcing both Pride and Brody to arrest their forward momentum too. 

“We can’t leave her alone, King.” LaSalle commented, turning back to the room. Both Pride and Brody reached out to stop him going any further, and Brody knew that all that would convince him not to go stand by her bed was to remind him that she wasn’t there anymore. She was beyond, and there was nothing they could do for her now.

“She’s not alone, Chris. She’s got Savannah and Emily taking care of her.” Brody reassured him, giving him a light hug. It wasn’t fair that this had happened to him again, and it wasn’t fair that this had happened to their team. But Percy had died saving lives, and that was exactly what she would have wanted.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a hell of a lot of implied torture in this chapter.

_In broken bones I feel at home_ _  
_ _I tend to get attached so quick to all I’ve ever known_ _  
_ _But I don’t seem to know a single fucking thing_ _  
_ _That can save me, I’m my own worst enemy_ _  
_ _Is there any hope for me_ _  
_ _\--_ ** _”Can’t Save Myself”_** **_by As It Is_**

This was becoming a worrying familiar feeling. He was actually feeling more at home, more like himself, if he had a few broken bones. It was the only way that he could seem to feel like any of this was real. He didn’t know how long he’d been here now. Longer than a month. That was pretty much where he had stopped counting. He had every faith in his team to get him out, but after a month he figured the leads had to be pretty low. 

All Pride could picture was the faces of his team as they searched for him, he was so attached to them all and that happened so fast sometimes. LaSalle and Percy would have varying signs of visible anger, but they would both be trying all they could. Using their criminal contacts and all the rest to try and find him. He was certain that the two of them would be driving the criminal element of New Orleans round the bend. Sebastian and Patton would be searching every bit of evidence they could get their hands on. Physical, electronic… Everything. Loretta would be caring for everyone, making sure they took breaks, ate and slept. Most of all though, he hoped that Loretta was caring for Brody the way she normally cared for him. One of the only ways he and Brody were similar were their reactions to situations like this. She would become hyperfocused, but she also wouldn’t let anyone see how she was feeling. Hopefully Loretta would see through her. Then there was Laurel. He almost didn’t want to think about his daughter’s reaction to all of this. Was she worried, was she trying to help his team as best she could. The only hope that he had was that she wasn’t like he would be. Taking far too many risks and putting herself into danger. That would be his worst nightmare, that she might get herself hurt because he wasn’t there. 

When he wasn’t thinking about them, he was generally otherwise occupied, having various parts of his anatomy twisted, stretched, bent and generally broken in ways that shouldn’t be humanly possible. Pain was beginning to become his constant companion, and so was the hopelessness that he couldn’t think of anything that could save him. He didn’t know of any way he could get out of here alive, and he couldn’t work out what they wanted enough to be able to lie convincingly enough that they’d let him go. Hearing the door he knew that he was in for another round of excruciating pain, and he instead did what he’d learnt helped. He focused on the faces of his friends. At least then he would feel less alone when he inevitably succumbed to his injuries.

Then, the shadows in the doorway weren’t what he expected, and as he squinted, trying to protect his beaten, broken body, he realised he had no reason to do so. He was among friends again. At last.


	58. Chapter 58

_ And I do want to show you I _ _   
_ _ Will run to you, to you until I _ _   
_ _ Can't stand on my own anymore _ _   
_ _ I cross my heart and hope to die _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Cross My Heart” by Marianas Trench_ **

Meredith Brody was adult enough to admit her own failings, and if she wasn’t, she had a number of friend who would happily fill her in about it. They weren’t shy about telling her that. Her biggest failing was her inability to tell the people she loved how she felt about them. 

The biggest one was the man she was hoping to spend the rest of her life with. She knew how much she loved him, but telling him was something that she just couldn’t ever seem to get over the hump. 

So she was trying to show him that she would run across the world if he asked her too. She would do absolutely anything that he asked for her to do, and she knew that he’d be with her every step of the way.

No matter what, she loved him so much, and she was fairly sure that he didn’t doubt that anymore. She hoped he didn’t. She’d promised that if anything happened to change it she’d tell. She’d crossed her heart… and she had no reason to think that hoping to die would ever come into it… for either of them.


	59. Chapter 59

_ No amount of coffee, no amount of cryin' _ _   
_ _ No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine _ _   
_ _ No, no, no, no, no, nothing else will do _ _   
_ _ I gotta have you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Gotta Have You” by The Weepies_ **

There were a lot of things that she enjoyed when she was in the right mood, and there were things she hated. Sometimes in the wake of a bad day there were a list of things that made her feel better. This had not just been any old bad day. This had been  _ the _ bad day. The worst bad day she could imagine. Nothing could have beaten this day.

She’d started off her routine when she got home, it started with a strong cup of coffee. On an average day this was perfect when she got in, and the warmth comforted her and reminded her that she was home and she was safe. 

If that hadn’t been enough she’d put on “My Sister’s Keeper” or “Evelyn” and cry. Those two movies were guaranteed to make her cry, and that generally helped her cry enough that any vestiges of a bad day was gone.

The next step after that was a large glass of wine. If she got to this step she knew it had been a very bad day, but even then. A glass of wine on top of the crying and the coffee would have her finally settling a little more, able to face the world a little more.

Occasionally she had a terrible day, and on that day she’d have a couple of shots of whiskey and go up to bed. This normally started the crying again. Then she’d fall asleep and come the morning she’d feel better.

Only once before had that not been enough, and on that occasion she’d been glad that she had someone she could call up and invite over. That hadn’t gone as she’d expected, but they’d both needed to feel close to someone again. She didn’t even need her routine to know that today was the second time she would use that friendship, that connection, and she knew that he’d answer her call and be right there. It was a good routine, but tonight she was going to break it, all because she knew that she just needed him. Nothing else would help.


	60. Chapter 60

_ Let be the one you run too for the rest of your life _ _   
_ _ I’d give up everything to show you, to show you there’s still time _ _   
_ _ I could be the one you run too, for the rest of your life _ _   
_ _ I’m still learning how to love you, you are the only one that’s worth the fight _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Learning” by Green River Ordinance_ **

He was a smart guy, nobody could argue that. He was rarely the smartest person in a room, largely because his friend tended to be in the same room, and she was smarter than him, and almost anyone he knew. But he was still a smart guy. 

That didn’t mean that there weren’t things he was stupid about. One of those things was how to show the girl of his dreams how he felt. She was the only one in his mind, ad his smarter friend was forever teasing him about it. She told him that the object of his affections would be happy to teach him. 

Learning was something that had always seemed to happen to him like an accident. He didn’t know something, then by accident he did. Often that had ended up with something blowing up in his face, not always metaphorically too.

He should listen to his friend and suck it up. She had followed her own advice, and now she was happy with her guy. So he tried to think of a way on his own how to tell his girl that he wanted to be the only one she ever needed to come home to again. He’d figure out a way, it would just take time. 


	61. Chapter 61

_ At night we’re waking up the neighbours _ _   
_ _ While we sing away the blues _ _   
_ _ Making sure that we’re remembered _ _   
_ _ Cause we all matter too _ _   
_ _ If the truth has been forbidden _ _   
_ _ Then we’re breaking all the rules _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Read All About It” by Emeli Sande_ **

Pride was glad that he didn’t have any neighbours because tonight he was singing away to his heart’s content about anything and everything. None of it was as jazzy as normal, but he was too angry about things. He wanted to give something else that people would remember him for, but they all mattered too. Not just the criminal they were now protecting.

He needed to sing this song today, he needed to do something because his team had been forced to bury the truth, and that was something he’d once promised that he’d never do. he would lie to protect, he would lie to defend. This was neither. This was lying purely to save some embarrassment and that was offensive to him.

“Pride, you have to see this.” He heard yelled, and he jogged down just as he saw Brody standing up. Had she even gone home? He didn’t know anymore. He hoped she had, but doubted it. She tended not to go home unless she needed to or she knew James was going to be there. Otherwise she stayed doing busy work listening to the news until James called her. The way she yelled him sounded urgent, and he wondered what it was.

“Brody, what did you do?” He asked as she turned the plasma on, and he was surprised to see their case being splashed all across the headlines. “This was classified.” OK. Maybe she had been home. That was surely the only explanation for this. She’d been home and this was the fallout. That was why she had shouted him. But that wasn’t her normal style.

“I honestly didn’t do anything.” She held her hands up and he wondered if she was telling him the truth. Finally he decided that she was, and probably she had just been complaining at home. The downside of living with a journalist was that things got out.

“This will be traced back to us.” He pointed to the report on the TV, certain that as soon as the director saw it that he’d been hung, drawn and quartered. That was not his ideal end to this case, but all he saw Brody shaking her head softly.

“No it won’t. James is a very good reporter. He found this out alone, and gave it to a colleague when he saw it was NCIS. I haven’t seen him tonight.” She smiled, and Pride had no reason to doubt her on that. Especially when it came to James, who had leaked things for them before. Even if Brody had leaked it, he was a little proud of her for breaking all the rules. He should have known that his team wouldn’t be able to stomach this any more than he had.


	62. Chapter 62

_ Forget the who, the what, the when, the question here is why _ _   
_ _ You set the bar so high and then you dropped it for this guy _ _   
_ _ You’re into insincerity, it’s scary that I wonder _ _   
_ _ Perhaps the bar was raised so high that he just walked right under _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Legs” by Jer Coons_ **

Sam did not need to know anything at all about James Lathom to know that he did not like him. There was so much that was making him ask why Meredith had even agreed to have food or a drink with him. She had always told him that she and James were fundamentally incompatible, but apparently she had jumped back into bed with James. Incidentally something she hadn’t yet done with him.

He knew that most of Meredith’s standards were because of the man she was once engaged to. He had had to jump through a million hoops, and they still hadn’t really officially been a couple. Then he’d gotten a phone call, and she said that she needed to end things, that there was still a chance with her ex and she needed to give it a try. He’d tried to say it was a week early for April Fools, but she was serious and that worried him more.

He doubted James was sincere about his feelings for Meredith, that made him question everything about Meredith’s feelings and wants. He’d thought that he stood more of a chance, and he’d hoped that he wouldn’t be thrown aside just because her ex showed up. Clearly he was wrong.

Maybe that was the problem. Meredith had her standards so high that James waltzed under them and retook his position. He would be gracious and accept that their fledgling relationship was over, but he was a little angry about it. He’d keep it to himself though. It was only fair, and he hoped she’d be happy.


	63. Chapter 63

_ We’ll wake up, we’ll make up _ _   
_ _ And do this for the last time _ _   
_ _ If we break up we’ll wind up _ _   
_ _ Losing both of our minds _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Make Up Your Mind” by Theory of a Deadman_ **

He was leaving again today, she already knew that. It wasn’t as if that was a surprise. It was the nature of their relationship, one or the other of them was always going to be leaving when they didn’t want to. Normally that ended whatever fight they were having, and they were often fighting.

Every time this happened they had the same routine, they’d wake up, and apologise and figure things out. Always assuming that it was for the last time, it was normally a safe way to operate, as it meant neither would lose out in the long run. 

The one thing she knew was that if they broke up they would both go mad. No matter how much they argued, they needed each other. This worked, and she loved him more than she ever admitted. It was something special, and she liked it a lot


	64. Chapter 64

_ Hey Lucy I remember your name _ _   
_ _ I left a dozen roses on your grave today _ _   
_ _ I’m in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away _ _   
_ _ I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Lucy” by Skillet_ **

Sitting on this spot was always slightly emotional for him. This was the spot where almost everything good in his life the last two years was contained. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be, but it’s the way it was.

It had been a snap decision, and it had lost him three friends. Of course it wasn’t his decision, but that didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, he was certain that that made it a little worse. He had come down here with a bunch of flowers each for the graves here. 

Mostly, he’d wanted to talk to his best friend. He missed her greatly, and he knew that no matter what he would never have another friend in his life like Loretta Wade. He missed Chris too, and even Sebastian in his way. It had been a dark month for their team.

Then there was the survivor guilt that Brody was suffering through. She was the only one who’d been in the morgue that day who had survived, and he had sat with her every night while she’d struggled with that fact. She’d been in a coma for two weeks, and he’d been so sure he was going to lose her too.

“It’s been one hell of a week, Miss Loretta. Danny and CJ are getting there.” He told her, making sure that he started on the thing that she’d care about the most. He brushed the leaves from the grave and sat himself down, talking animatedly about everything he could. 

He just wished she could say something back.


	65. Chapter 65

_ No I’m not bulletproof but _ _   
_ _ See I can take your cheap shots coz I’ve been through a whole lot more _ _   
_ _ And know a good thing _ _   
_ _ And I’m not letting you go, there’s so much that they don’t know _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Got You” by What’s Eating Gilbert_ **

He had spent a very long time trying to do as much as he could to protect his friends and family. He had managed to succeed at times, and hadn’t at others. He still always tried to protect them. It had led to him getting a reputation for being bulletproof, or indestructable. Not that that didn’t stop people gossiping about him all the time, even if he tried to stop them.

Then he’d met her. She’d been perfect and when she’d been interested in him back it had almost been a dream. They hadn’t been happy for him though. They’d levelled so many baseless accusations at him, told him that he wasn’t good enough for her, or that she was too young for him. He hadn’t cared, he’d been through so much more, the opinions of meaningless people didn’t matter.

He knew a good thing when he saw it, and this relationship was definitely a good thing. She matched him, challenged him, and had from the moment they met. He could forget the pains of his past and let her heal him. They didn't know everything that she was helping him overcome, and she knew what he’d been through. They didn’t, and that was just another thing that matter. He had her, and that was all he’d ever need again.


	66. Chapter 66

_ If you believe it’s in my soul _ _   
_ _ I’d say all the words that I know _ _   
_ _ Just to see if it would show _ _   
_ _ That I’m trying to let you know _ _   
_ _ That I’m better off on my own _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pieces” by Sum 41_ **

For some reason they thought she was good at this. They didn’t think that she was a failure, that she was more trouble than she was worth. She had clearly proven that wrong already and she’d not been here that long. She knew that it would only be a matter of time now, so jumping before she was pushed was her usual MO, but she wasn’t quite there yet.

The words she had weren’t going to help, and the mistakes she was making, the things she was doing, we're clearly not enough. There were things she could say, but that would require admitting that there was a problem or that she was doing things wrong on purpose. She was trying to get herself pushed away, forced to leave. 

Obviously, it wasn’t working, even though she was trying to let it been seen naturally. She was trying not to push too hard what she felt was obvious, trying to convince them that she was just making life harder for everyone involved. Telling them would require putting words to an idea that she was terrified to speak of out loud even though she was sure of it. 

He wanted to help her, but there was nothing at all that he could do. He would try and push on, so she would push back. She knew that it was better she keep pushing and trying to let him know that he shouldn’t get close to her. Nobody should ever get close to her. It would be a bad thing, and something he didn’t need.

The truth was that she really shouldn’t be with another person, she shouldn’t endanger anyone else because losing them would be too painful. Now she knew for certain that being here alone was a good choice. Getting close to people meant that, inevitably, she would lose them. So it was time she accepted something that she’d thought she wouldn’t be able to, that she was better off on her own.


	67. Chapter 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more than double the length of my "drabbles" but I didn't have anywhere else to post it and it was written for the prompt so I'm posting the whole thing here.

_ And as I’ve aged the only thing I think has changed _ _   
_ _ Is that the demons have moved from under my bed _ _   
_ _ Into the inner depths of my head _ _   
_ _ I can’t escape the ugly things my mind creates _ _   
_ _ I speculate that they’ll stay with me ‘til the grave _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Can’t Save Myself” by As It Is_ **

Before he’d started this job, Pride had managed to convince himself that the demons were still just things that children imagined under the bed. That was what he’d thought through raising Laurel and through most of this. But no longer. The demons had taken residence in his mind, and they liked to tell him that there were things he could have done better. “Here, it’ll help.” The voice from behind him almost made him jump, and he expected to be handed a drink, not have an ice cube shaken into his hand. She then closed his hand around it, and held her hands around his. Strangely, she was right, and it helped him refocus his mind.

“How’d you know?” He asked when he felt like he could speak again. He didn’t even realise, sometimes, exactly how far he was when those things happened. He hated it, and he hated that he couldn’t seem to stop it. 

“I’ve been battling PTSD since the  _ Moultrie _ .” Wait, what? How had he not known that. He hadn’t seen it in her file, but he also knew that a great many agents hid mental health issues, he knew he was doing. From the look on her face she had never planned to tell him, but in this situation she was deciding it was going to be alright. “I know how to recognise the signs of a flare.”

“I didn’t know that.” That was all he could think to say. He was mostly too surprised. Brody didn’t seem like the type that would have something like that. It just went to show that it really could affect anyone. 

“I don’t talk about it, to anyone, other than James.” He would have expected her to have spoken to her fiance about it, and now he was back on the scene he probably kept tabs on her to be sure, not that Brody ever let it slip. “I was in counselling for the NCIS mandatory 6 months, then I buried it. The counsellor agreed I should, like I do everything else.” 

“Does it ever get better?” That was one of the only questions he could think to ask. He needed to know that it would get better, that he wasn’t going to be always like this. Zoning out and missing things. Not being able to focus. It was too much. 

“Not really.” Well, that wasn’t the answer he’d wanted to hear, and clearly Brody saw the change in his demeanour, or maybe she just knew that he needed more than that. “You learn to manage it, figure out what helps when it flares.”

“Is this the real reason you don’t sleep?” It was her turn to look shocked, and while he felt smug for a second he remembered that the only reason he knew was because Loretta had been worried about Brody, and had wanted him to keep an eye on her in case she needed a break. So far she never had. “Loretta told me?”

“Yes and no. If I’m having a flare, sleep is a bad idea as I have nightmares of that day… I can still see Hooper’s face…” Pride knew that was the name of the petty officer who had detonated his IED on the  _ Moultrie _ . He also knew that Brody had never spoken to him about what had happened in the two days before they’d been rescued. He wasn’t sure she ever wanted to think about it. After a few moments she seemed to shake off her melancholy, and finally remove her hands from around his. “But some nights I just can’t seem to settle.” 

“Think I should get help for it?” That was a classic question for this wasn’t it. Should he get help and risks being outed, put on desk duty until he proved that he could continue working. He’d assumed when he’d avoided counselling this time they had decided he would just be hostile to the entire process. He would be as well, unless he surrendered to the fact it was needed.

“I can’t answer that.” Brody replied diplomatically, and while he was about to be sarcastic in response he realised that she was telling him that he needed to decide for himself. She had clearly decided that counselling wasn’t going to be for her, but she didn’t want to push it on anyone else. She understood how he felt though, and that was something he could use.

“These thoughts, Merri.” He closed his eyes, and her hands went back to his. He could still feel the lingering chill from where the melted ice had been in his hand and focused on that for a second, and the feel of Brody’s around his. “They are always there.”

“You’re stuck with them, but like I said, you’ll learn.” Somehow, learning how to deal with it just didn’t seem the same as not having them at all. “King, you were held, you were tortured. After that you have good reason to feel like this.” As if he needed to be reminded of what he’d been through to bring him to this point. After a second Brody pulled back and smiled before she spoke again. “I’ll help you, come on.”

“Where are we going?” He had to ask, as her sudden desire to leave had him a little concerned about what she was thinking about and how it would affect him. He didn’t want to have to give anything up to someone he wasn’t prepared to tell.

“That place I go every Wednesday when we’re not on a case.” He knew she went somewhere on Wednesday nights, and she’d always been buttoned up about it. It’s nice to know he was kind of close. He wasn’t going to tell her he’d been betting on AA though. “It’s a support group for people with PTSD. Talk to others.” She smiled and looked around, grabbing her purse and her keys. “James and I go together, you can tag along. LaSalle can handle the bar for one night.”

She was right. LaSalle could handle things for one night, and he would serve himself better if they went and spoke to a few people, and it would be good if he’d know a couple of the people there. “Alright.” He just nodded then decided on the lie he was going to tell LaSalle about why they weren’t staying. 


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character death in this one, proceed carefully

_ I remember conversations _ _   
_ _ Before I gave up on me _ _   
_ _ And if it's any consolation _ _   
_ _ I remember everything _ _   
_ _ And you can't take that away _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Can't Take That Away” by The Friday Night Boys_ **

Was this real, or was it all just some hallucination. She couldn’t tell where pain began and ended now. She could tell that this was the end, but maybe that was a good thing. She’d never recover from this. She’d never be the same person she was.

She’d given up on herself, but she was still getting all these flashes of memories of the people she’d known before. Her family, her friends.  _ Him _ . She could focus on all of them for a minute and feel a moment of relief. That was her escape. It never lasted for long.

Maybe that was a consolation, that in these last few moments she could remember everything. All the happy memories she’d made over her 38 years. All the friends she’d made, all the lives she’d changed. She remembered every single thing. She wondered how many of them.

Then as the darkness began to claim her forever she had one final thought, that as long as she remembered them, they couldn’t take it away. So she held onto those memories, right up until she couldn’t remember anything at all.


	69. Chapter 69

_ If I could just get by just for one more night I would fight to set you free _ _   
_ _ And when you've lost all hope you may never know just how great your life could be _ _   
_ _ But I'm lost in the moment please tell me how I can't find the reason to say what I'll say _ _   
_ _ My life was complete when I found you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When I Found You” by Amber Pacific_ **

James had spent so much time trying to save her from her demons, fighting to set her free from whatever it was in her mind. He’d tried to get in for one more night all those years ago, but it hadn’t worked, he’d needed to wait until she was at the right point in her life.

She lost all hope and he was certain that he never knew that anything like this could happen. He knew that he’d given up all hope. She'd been the only one that he’d ever imagined having this with. So when she’d left him, he’d assumed that was it for him, he was done.

As they stood there dancing slowly together, ignoring everyone around them, just focusing on their little family. He couldn’t help but put his hands on her bump from time to time and smiled a little as he did. He felt her resting her head on his shoulder and heard her whisper quietly, just causing him to smile again. “This was perfect James.”

“If I can be cliché and romantic for one moment in my life it should be this.” He hated clichés, and he’d never been a romantic, but in this situation Merri deserved to hear how he felt with no filter, even if it would com out cliché. “You make my life complete, and you have since the day we met. I love you.”


	70. Chapter 70

_ I got all I need when I got you and I _ _   
_ _ I look around me and see a sweet life _ _   
_ _ I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight _ _   
_ _ You’re getting me, getting me through the night _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Flashlight” by Jessie J_ **

Some days there was nothing better for her than sitting here and watching her family. Something she had talked herself into believing she didn’t want. Now she was here she knew that she couldn’t imagine her life without any of them. They were so individual, so special, and so very fulfilling. She was glad that in a way she had never run away from this, and had never given in to her utter terror.

For such a long time she’d felt like she was stuck in darkness. Stuck in the shadow of Emily’s death and the tragedy on the  _ Moultrie _ she had never really been able to think about lightness, about the future. Maybe that was why she’d been so close to giving up. Letting everything beat her and push her down into that deep hole where people in her profession didn’t get out of.

Then she’d met Dwayne Pride.

Somehow he had brought the best of her back to the front in a way nobody had been able to before. She had swiftly fallen for him, and she was so happy that he’d felt the same for her. Brody had been in love before, so had Pride, and both Linda and James had a part to play in the family they had now. Different than the roles they had once filled, but still there. 

The newcomers, the ones she could never have imagined, were her children. Emily, Matthew and Kait. All of them a shock, Emily and Matthew surprising them first, then Kait surprising them again a few years later. Now she was here, at her twins’ 6th birthday with her toddler sat in her lap just thankful for the man who had made all this possible. He’d been a beacon in the darkness, and she could never repay him for that.

“Merri what you thinking?” She heard a voice come to break her out of her thoughts and just grinned a little as she looked up at him. There he was, the man who had saved her, and she felt the same rush of love she did every time she saw him.

“Just about all of this.” She looked around the garden and smiled. The kids were all screaming and running around, and through the cacophony she could still hear Chris and James’ voices trying to control them all.

“You alright?” He asked, clearly wondering if she was happy about it or not. She accepted his outstretched hand, finally, and just nodded. He was concerned, but she couldn’t imagine being upset like this.

“Better than I have been in a long time. Let’s go do cake.” She smiled standing up, propping Kait on her hip as she did. Watching the twins run over she just smiled and looked at the only people who mattered to her now. She would protect them any way she needed to, that’s what family was.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to my sister. I miss you, RIP buttface.

_ No more apologies from me _ _   
_ _ My arms are tired of picking up what I put down _ _   
_ _ You’re all I think of… Still _ _   
_ _ I’m gonna miss you everyday _ _   
_ _ I turn my back on anyone who won’t believe _ _   
_ _ And it gets lonely… Still _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hang You Up” by Yellowcard_ **

She was still right there, right in the corner of Meredith mind. No matter what she was doing Emily was right there. During cases, on dates, hanging out with her team, trying to sleep. She was still all Meredith thought about. She couldn’t shake the idea that Emily was right there. Even after all these years, she was right there. Emily was all that she could think about.

Apologising for that fact was something that she’d stopped doing a long time ago. If someone couldn’t handle the fact that they were going to share her with Emily then they didn’t deserve her attention. She’d picked up so many people who were like that, but now she knew the people she needed, she had her team. They accepted that she wasn’t a solo deal. The memory of Emily came with her.

Accepting that she was going to miss Emily every day was something that Meredith hadn’t quite wrapped her head around. For some reason it seemed like somehow she should stop missing her at some point. It felt like she should just adjust to the fact that Emily wasn’t there anymore. That she couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to her sister, the one person that she sometimes just needed to hear the opinion of. Even if Emily was telling her what everyone else was. Sometimes, you just needed to hear it from your sister before it was real. She would turn her back on anyone who didn’t believe that. 

It was lonely without her. Even though she was always with people, her friends, her new family. They didn’t let her be alone, but sometimes Meredith was still lonely. She and Emily had been together for so many years, and they had been the closest two people could be. That was the nature of sisters. So she guessed that the loneliness, the fact she still missed her and that she wouldn’t leave her mind was part of grieving. 

A part she wasn’t sure would ever be over.


	72. Chapter 72

_ I swear that I can go on forever again _ _   
_ _ Please let me know that my one bad day will end _ _   
_ _ I will go down as your lover, your friend _ _   
_ _ Give me your lips, and with one kiss we begin _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I'm Lost Without You” by Blink 182_ **

Somehow every bad day seemed to just get worse when he was away. Until the point where the bad days seemed to just blend into one very, very bad day. he needed someone, anyone, to let him know that it would eventually end. He could go on forever, he could take anything handed out to him, but he needed it to end from time to time. That was where she came into play.

When he leant down to kiss her, instantly he began to feel better. He always felt better when she was there to give him that reassurance. In their professions that didn’t happen often, but it happened enough that he knew what worked. 

For the rest of his life, he would go down as one of two things, her friend or her lover. He could live with that, and he would honestly be happy with either. One day he hoped he could add something to it. He hoped that he could, finally, be her husband.


	73. Chapter 73

_ You know I love you, I really do _ _   
_ _ But I can’t fight anymore for you _ _   
_ _ And I don’t know maybe we’ll be together again _ _   
_ _ Sometime, in another life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”In Another Life” by the Veronicas_ **

Sometimes the worst part of all of this was that she really, truly loved this man. She stood watching him collect some award or another, she’d forgotten which one, but she knew this was likely to be the last award ceremony she was at, not because she didn’t want to be, but that she couldn’t continue doing this.

She wanted to fight for him, fight for their relationship. But she knew that they both cared too much for their careers. He wanted to keep pushing ahead with this, and they were getting to the point where she couldn’t follow him, and he couldn’t just stop. 

It hurt more because love wasn’t the problem for them. She loved him deeply, but if he took this next assignment there was nowhere for them to go. She would keep her fingers crossed that maybe there was a future for them. Maybe not in this lifetime, but sometime. 

Stepping aside for this reason seemed like a terrible idea, but at the same time she knew that it was right. She knew that he would thank her, and in the long run she would probably be happier too. But she missed him already.


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not listen to this song and think about Meredith Brody, just don't do it.

_ Why don’t you get it together now _ _   
_ _ Failure’s not flattering _ _   
_ _ When will you show yourself _ _   
_ _ When will you show control _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Failure’s Not Flattering” by New Found Glory_ **

She needed to get her life back together, and that was harder than it should have been. Pride and Loretta had, of course, been completely right about her life muttering just as much as the one Emily wasn’t getting to live . But that meant that she needed to start  _ actually  _ living again, and she was realising that that wasn’t something she was good at.

The problem was that she couldn’t stand the thought of failing. She either had too much control or not enough, showed too much of herself or too little. She could never seem to get that balance right. 

So while she was trying, she seemed to be failing more than succeeding, and that was beginning to bother her. She needed to just get one win, any win. Then maybe she would start to feel alive again.


	75. Chapter 75

_ Now I’m falling for you I hope you’re falling for me _ _   
_ _ And I’m falling so hard that I am head over heels _ _   
_ _ And I hope you touch down before my feet hit the ground _ _   
_ _ I’m falling for you I hope you’re falling for me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Falling For You” by Nick Howard_ **

He had met his match, and he hadn’t expected it at all. When he’d married his wife he never thought he’d have this feeling again. He wasn’t expecting to meet anyone else who would make him tingle all over. 

Now he and Linda were over, and while he still loved his wife, she didn’t give him that feeling anymore. She didn’t make him smile just by thinking of her anymore. There was still love, but it was so very different.

What he was beginning to feel for Meredith Brody… that was different. It wasn’t what he’d experienced all those years ago either. Brody was so much younger than he was, but maturity wise she equalled him, and he loved that. He loved everything about her. 

He had fallen hard, it had taken time, it hadn’t been instantaneous, but he was completely head over heels for her. It was definitely a new experience. One thing that he was hoping right now was that, just maybe, she was falling for him too. She had given him some signals telling him that she felt the same.

They had to come down eventually, and that would require them admitting how they felt about each other. Maybe tonight would be the night, he didn’t know anymore. He hoped it was, because he needed to let her know.


	76. Chapter 76

_ There’s no way I’m gonna go down this road again _ _   
_ _ It cuts to the bone can I let it win _ _   
_ _ It’s our call to return from where we came _ _   
_ _ Because life could be so good if we open our hearts _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”We Are The Gods” by Fort Hope_ **

Every time she was around James Lathom she said the same things to herself, but it rarely worked. She said that she wasn’t going to go back down that road again, that she was really done this time. She didn’t need him, and she didn’t want him as anything more than a friend. That’s what she said to herself anyway.

Brody knew that it wouldn’t work though. Every single time she let him win, and she never regretted it really. In almost every possible way, James was the perfect man for her, and she loved him for that. She couldn’t imagine a life without him coming and checking on her all the time. 

This time was different though. Never before had he promised to stay, had he promised to let her pick his assignments so that he’d be nearby. He was serious this time, and she realised that he wanted to make a life together. She knew when she opened her heart to him again she was gambling, but she was sure that it would be good this time. She was trusting him, and she knew he would come through.


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is far longer than the 500 word limit... but I couldn't help it.

_ I want to start by letting you know this _ _   
_ _ Because of you my life has a purpose _ _   
_ _ You helped me be who I am today _ _   
_ _ I see myself in every word you say _ _   
_ _ Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me _ _   
_ _ Trapped in a world where everyone hates me _ _   
_ _ There’s so much that I’m going through _ _   
_ _ I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”This Song Saved My Life” by Simple Plan_ **

This was a day that was more than ten years in the making, and while she couldn’t wait to get it all over with, she was also terrified. This was something she had wanted so much, and she knew that the real person she had to thank was the man left in the car with her while everyone else went in. She was certain that he didn’t know how much he’d affected everything. As he went to open the door and she reached forward and stopped him. “King.” 

“Come on, we’ll be late if we don’t go.” Pride stopped and looked at her with a smile, and another stab of utter terror came over her. She could feel the baby squirming, and that wasn’t helping with her general feeling of nervousness, but on top of that she just wanted to tell him everything in her mind.

“They can’t do this without me.” This was her wedding, and she needed to be there for it to go ahead. She was sure that this pause would make James more nervous, but she just wanted to do this. “Just stop for a moment.”

“Merri…” Pride was clearly about to start telling her that she needed to, but she really needed this. It was something she wouldn’t feel right about starting her new life without thanking this man for getting her there.

“Look… When I moved to New Orleans I had nothing. Literally nothing.” She’d been so lost and broken back then, and in the few short years since that moment her life had changed so much. “I had no family, my parents and I didn’t speak, Emily was a mystery I couldn’t solve… I’d pushed James so far away that this was such a distant dream I never imagined it.”

“You don’t need…” Pride started, and she just held a hand up and shook her head. Brody didn’t want him interrupting, not that it would stop him if he was determined too. 

“No I do. You gave me a family, this family. You, Laurel, Loretta, Chris, Patton, Sebastian Sonja, Danny, CJ… If you hadn’t shown faith in me none of this would have happened.” That wasn’t her being dramatic. Her life would not have been the way it was now if it hadn’t been for her assignment here, and being adopted into their family.

“You’re quite welcome.” He beamed, and she could only imagine that he’d only be a little happier when Laurel eventually got married.

“For a very long time… nobody understood why I did things the way I did, and even though you probably didn’t get it, you just let me get on with it. I have a purpose now.” Sure, she’d been an agent before, and she’d known what she wanted, but she’d lost any drive. She was getting sloppy and she hated that. Pride had given her someone to impress again, and that was what she’d needed. Then and now. “For a long time the  _ Moultrie _ was haunting my career, nobody moved past it. You have seen through every single obstacle I threw in front of you, and I threw a lot of them up.”

“I can’t disagree with that.” He laughed, and her mind slid back over all the conversations they’d had where he’d had to almost force her face something she’d been trying to escape from. 

“The real reason I’m telling you all this is… you saved my life, King. There was so much that I was going through, so much I couldn’t get over.” She’d been trying for years, but until she landed here she’d never known how to deal with it. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, and that’s why I’m proud that you’re the one doing this. Giving me away to the love of my life.”

“I would do it all again, Meredith.” He said honestly and she just smiled wider. This must have been what it felt like to be loved completely unconditionally. Pride had seen her make some stupid decisions, and she was glad he still cared.

“Now… I’m about to become a wife and a mother, and I can’t do it without you.” She really couldn’t. Pride was the reason she’d been able to do almost everything in her life, and right now if he left her to do this alone she’d never be able to do it.

“I think you’re stuck with all of us now. I’m proud of you, and nothing will change that.” Pride smiled then squeezed her hand and got out. She followed him feeling better now about it all. She’d said what she needed, and now there was a handsome man waiting for her at the end of the aisle.


	78. Chapter 78

_ So many questions, like when we’re finished _ _   
_ _ What happens if our friendship’s diminished _ _   
_ _ Is it worth it all, if we take the fall? _ _   
_ _ Well baby don’t you worry about a thing _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause who can say what the future brings _ _   
_ _ All I know is this, all I know is this _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Slow Me Down” by 3PM_ **

Was this really worth it? Was it. She knew that she loved him, she knew that she’d loved him for some time. She knew that he loved her too. That was all she knew. Knowing how they felt and knowing what to do about it was very different. Given their positions it wasn’t entirely appropriate for them to pursue it, but she still wanted to.

He posed all the questions that they should worry about. What would happen if it didn’t work out. Would it damage their working relationship, would they lose a friendship that had come to mean everything to her. Would they lose something that was so dear, and would it just ruin things.

Love couldn’t really be worth this? Could it? This was why she avoided relationships as best she could. Her mind couldn’t wrap itself around the complexities that came along with it. 

After a while he just smiled at her and shook his head, saying not to worry. The future could royally fuck them both over and this wouldn’t matter then. So surely they should just do what made them happy. All they knew was the present, and in the present they loved each other. That was what mattered.


	79. Chapter 79

_ Hold on if you feel like letting go _ _   
_ _ Hold on it gets better than you know _ _   
_ _ Don’t stop looking, you’re one step closer _ _   
_ _ Don’t stop searching, it’s not over, hold on _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hold On” by Good Charlotte_ **

Meredith Brody knew that it would be fine one day. One day soon everything was going to be OK. Right now everything was falling apart, but she knew this wasn’t the end. It wasn’t really even the beginning. It was just a point of time in the middle.

Soon this would be over. She just needed to hold on for as long as she possibly could. Hold on until her luck turned round and someone, somewhere took a chance on her. 

Then she got the call that changed her life. She was being assigned to New Orleans.

And she never looked back.


	80. Chapter 80

_ It’s down to me and you _ _   
_ _ In this cold and empty room _ _   
_ _ Forgotten what we’re dying for _ _   
_ _ Just tell me what to change _ _   
_ _ Just tell me what to say _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause I can’t feel it anymore _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Dust & Gold” by Arrows to Athens_ **

It was just the two of them left now, and she couldn’t figure out anymore how this was going to work out. The truth was that absolutely nothing was going to work out. They were stuck here and it was all her fault.

It was cold in this place now, they had tried to keep it warm and homely, but it wasn’t. It was cold and empty and they were alone. It would be a long time before anyone would know why they’d sacrificed themselves.

She’d forgotten now why they had all died for this. Her friends, the people who were important. The people she had taken an oath to protect.

Could she go back and change the decisions she’d made. Leaving everyone behind, or changing the few actions she’s taken. Say something different. But she didn’t know. She just didn’t know anymore.


	81. Chapter 81

_ Check Yes Juliet I’ll be waiting _ _   
_ _ Wishing, wanting, yours for the taking _ _   
_ _ Just sneak out and don’t tell a soul goodbye _ _   
_ _ Check Yes Juliet here’s the countdown _ _   
_ _ 3-2-1 now fall in my arms now _ _   
_ _ They can change the locks don’t let them change your mind _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Check Yes, Juliet” by We The Kings_ **

He was waiting for her and she knew that. He was waiting for her and expecting her to be there before too long. She’d had one last night with Gibbs, and she’d been able to say goodbye in her own way. There was no guarantee that Lugo wouldn’t go after him and then the New Orleans team, but maybe Brody could keep him distracted.

She needed to sneak out silently. She couldn’t actually say the goodbye that she desperately wanted to say. This was not going to end well for her, in fact, it would likely end in her death. That was preferable to any possible other outcome.

When Gibbs woke up he was gonna be pissed, and she doubted if he would ever forgive her for this. She kissed the side of his head for a second and took in his smell again for a moment then slid out of the bed and just grabbed her cardigan and running shoes.

This was her countdown, and she wouldn’t even give them the chance to change her mind. They didn’t even know about Lugo’s ultimatum, and she wasn’t going to tell them. She wouldn’t be able to live with knowing her friend was killed because of her. If she could free Sonja by falling into Lugo’s arms she would do that. Even if it meant her death.


	82. Chapter 82

_ Feeling worthless, self-destruction _ _   
_ _ Try to take control of this _ _   
_ _ Find a purpose, reconstruction _ _   
_ _ Write it somewhere it will stick _ _   
_ _ And the stars are hiding now _ _   
_ _ But There’s something out there still _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”To Write Love” by Helio_ **

Another night in the middle of a bar, drinking as much as she could and tried to forget everything that was going on. This was the only way she knew to feel like she was in any type of control. It wasn’t much control, but it was something. Something she was in charge.

For so long the only purpose she’d had, the only focus, had been on solving Emily’s murder. Now that she knew what had happened she couldn’t stop. She was trying to write off everything that she couldn’t work out, but it wasn’t working. It was as though it was right there in front of her, just out of reach.

She couldn’t see any good in the universe, but she knew there was something out there that could save her. It just wasn’t here yet. Dancing around she was laughing and enjoying herself, but she wasn’t really. She was just trying to tell herself she was. 

“Meredith, come on home.” She suddenly heard, and that was the voice she needed to hear. Maybe that was the good she needed. 


	83. Chapter 83

_ I wonder what you're doing, I wonder if you got it _ _   
_ _ I wonder how we used to ever go so long without it _ _   
_ _ And I know where I go, I'm coming back to you _ _   
_ _ Be where I oughta, be where I oughta be _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Cross My Heart” by Marianas Trench_ **

Where was he, was he safe and well and happy. Was he doing something that she would approve of, or was he putting himself in more danger than he should. That was his MO, getting in too deep and never quite knowing how to get out of it without her help. It was something she had once worried about too much, now she tried not to worry about it at all. It didn’t work.

A week ago she’d sent him a package. Nothing major, just little personal items she hoped he’d enjoy receiving. Now she wondered if he’d got it. If he’d ever tell her he got it. Things weren’t exactly black and white with the two of them right now, but she hoped it would become clearer next time they were in the same place.

She had no idea how they went so long without seeing each other. Months could pass without physical contact, and she didn’t know how they did it. Even when things weren’t great between them, all she wanted to do was hold him, was to be with him. She couldn’t imagine a life where it wasn’t the two of them against the galaxy.

Wherever she went, it would be his home. That was the only way somewhere was home to him. They had to share their base, it was the only way she could still feel close to him, and she hoped that it was the way that he felt close to her. Knowing that whatever happened, they’d always make it back to each other.

That was where she was meant to be. With him. Maybe not physically, but they were meant to be together. Both of them knew that the couldn’t do any of this alone. They needed to be where the ought to be, and that was together. The two of them fighting it all. Facing it all. That was how they would make it through everything. And they would.


	84. Chapter 84

_ She can't keep a secret for more than an hour _ _   
_ _ She runs on 100 proof attitude power _ _   
_ _ And the more she ignores me the more I adore her _ _   
_ _ What can I do, I'd do anything for her _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Just The Girl” by The Click Five_ **

How had she fallen in love with a motormouth who told everyone everything almost the minute he knew it. It was no wonder that everyone had issues with him, because he didn’t believe in keeping secrets. He had burnt so many bridges with that policy. He clearly wasn’t really bothered what people thought about him. That was probably why she loved him.

They more they’d both tried to ignore how serious things were between them, the more she realised how much she loved and adored him, and it seemed that was completely mutual. She couldn’t seem to break out of this, and she would do anything to make this work between the two of them.

The only thing she hated was that he never seemed to stay interested in any one thing for long… and that seemed to have included her. Maybe he’d come around… only time would tell.


	85. Chapter 85

_ I tried to help you once against my own advice _ _   
_ _ I saw you going down but you never realised _ _   
_ _ That you're drowning in the water and I offered you my hand _ _   
_ _ Compassion's in my nature, tonight is our last stand _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Scars” by Papa Roach_ **

Self-destructive, that’s what she’d once told him she was. In one of those rare, unguarded moments the two of them had had since the day they met. Normally her defences were up high, and she didn’t let anyone in. Sometimes though she would open a door and he’d get a glimpse of the inner workings of her mind. She’d said that she could commit to anywhere. That as soon as she hit a road block somewhere she’d start trying to find the fastest way to ruin every relationship she was so that she could justify why she had to leave. He hadn’t let that happen, even though he’d always told others that you could never truly help someone hell bent on destroying themselves.

He’d seen her falling again, and he didn’t think she even realised. This time it was all hidden beneath a curtain of ‘getting comfortable’ and ‘coming out her shell’. He didn’t buy it, and by now everyone else they knew was struggling to believe that this was their friend, the woman they worked with. She didn’t see exactly how far she’d fallen this time and he hated that it had come to this. She didn’t deserve all the pain that the universe had heaped on her, and it was becoming obvious that she had no real idea how to deal with any of this.

He tried to stand by, but when her head went under the water he could stay on the sidelines. It was too painful to see someone he cared so deeply about. He didn’t want to admit the he cared about her the way he did. Didn’t want to admit that he cared for her more than he should have done. But he couldn’t leave her to drown in the problems that she had cause herself. They weren’t irrevocable, they could be overlooked in time, by him and by the others. She just needed to agree to work with him.

Holding a hand out he gave her the choice. Some would say that he was a soft touch, that after the things she’d done he should have handed her in. Should have shipped her off for prosecution. She didn’t deserve that. She was hurt, she was grieving. She was trying to learn how to live with an enormous part of who she was. He couldn’t punish her for that. He’d always been a compassionate man, and his heart went out to her.

When she took his hand, he knew they could make this last stand together. He would protect her, and he would make sure that she didn’t feel like this was the only way it could go. She wasn’t alone any longer, and she needed to stop thinking like she was. Maybe he would be able to show her that, and help break her out of this self-destructive cycle. That was the very least he owed her. He was certain all she needed was someone to support her unconditionally, that would break through.


	86. Chapter 86

_ Call it in the air heads or tails _ _   
_ _ Heads we go to London and try to save the Queen _ _   
_ _ Tails we go to Paris and try our hand in romance _ _   
_ _ I need a chance to show you that I'll take you anywhere _ _   
_ _ So call it in the air _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Heads/Tails” by Hotspur_ **

He would give her the choice of destination, he would give her the choice of activity. All he wanted was for them to be alone together for a while. Where neither of their jobs was getting in the way of them being together.

James was a reporter, Meredith was a interrogator. It was in both their nature's to answer the call of duty, and that was part of why they’d sacrificed so much of their relationship.

Right now she could flip a coin and he’d go wherever it said. He just needed time to show her that he could put her above everything, and a vacation seemed perfect for that. He loved her, and he wanted to prove her that.


	87. Chapter 87

_ And do you think of me at night _ _   
_ _ I still wish we could have made it right _ _   
_ _ We can't say that we never tried _ _   
_ _ I guess everything seems more clear here on the other side _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Other Side” by Tonight Alive_ **

She couldn’t bear the sight of Messue crying. Her Messie, her big sister. She’d seen everyone else’s tears, her parents, Daniel, James… they were sad but she hadn’t felt heartbroken seeing them. Then Messie had gotten the news, and she was alone, thousands of miles from their family and friends. On an assignment.

They’d been bickering the last time they were in person. It wasn’t really an argument, but it wasn’t them being the way they usually were. The years had passed and Emily had checked back later, happy that Messie seemed to have forgotten the disagreement. Then her death was back at the front of Messie’s attention.

Then the tears had started again, and Emily had wished she could hold her twin sister for a moment. She was happy when a man, a friend, had finally given Messie the hug she so desperately needed. It was clearer to see the breakdown that was coming, and Emily couldn’t warn anyone.

She could watch over her sister, but being on the other side prevented Emily doing the only thing she wanted to do.

Protect Meredith from herself.


	88. Chapter 88

_ Please keep your hands down and stop raising your voice _ _   
_ _ It's hardly what I'd be doing if you gave me the choice _ _   
_ _ It's a simple suggestion can't you give me some time _ _   
_ _ So just say yes or no why can't you shoulder the blame _ _   
_ _ 'Cause both my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both _ _   
_ _ You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth _ _   
_ _ You've not heard a single word I have said, oh my god _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”How To Be Dead” by Snow Patrol_ **

A week they’d been fighting about this.

“Calm down. There is no reason to shout.”

If he had had any choice in this situation they wouldn’t be fighting at all. They would have either agreed to disagree, or they would never have argued to begin with. He’d tried to make it as simple a suggestion as he could. A simple division of what assets they had. But no, even in this she’d had to be stubborn and awkward.

She couldn’t seem to take any blame for the position they were in right now, and she didn’t want to say yes or no to anything. This wouldn’t affect her at all, she didn’t even live in the city anymore. He was beginning to struggle with having to accept all of the blame, and that it was either his fault or more his fault.

The truth was that she was equally to blame. Not that she’d ever really accept that. Once upon a time he had loved her, and he’d fought like hell to keep this relationship going. He hadn’t wanted to give up on something that was so precious, and had brought him so much joy. Yet here they were, and it wasn’t going to change.

“Oh my god. Did you even hear anything I said?”

Was there really a relationship here to save? 


	89. Chapter 89

_ These are the nights that you know when you're there _ _   
_ _ You couldn't have planned it much better I swear and you hope _ _   
_ _ That your senses aren't failing you now _ _   
_ _ And you think to yourself “Now I could be wrong _ _   
_ _ But I might have just stolen this scene from a song” _ _   
_ _ And you know that your senses aren't failing you now _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”These Are The Nights” by Making April_ **

Once upon a time, this kind of night would never have been something she thought about, something that she could have imagined. She was with someone she loved, sat in a city park long after dark, looking up at the moon and thinking about how this was unintentionally the most romantic date she’d ever been on. He wasn’t always the most romantic of people, and he never meant it that way when he was. 

Sitting there, staring at the sky leaning on his shoulder she felt like she could sense everything that was going on around her. After a moment she turned her head a little and looked at the shadows that were cast across his face, smiling softly as she let herself just experience this. “I swear there is a song about this.”

He chuckled softly, and she couldn’t help but smile wider hearing that. It made all the months they went without seeing each other worth it. “There probably is, but isn’t this better?” That was a million dollar question, and as she thought about the song about kissing under the moonlight she sat up a little more and kissed him softly.

“No, now it’s better.” She smiled and settled back again, until he moved and laid her back on the grass, kissing her a little harder. This was definitely much better than any song. Because this was her life, and it was someone she loved with all of her heart. It was perfect, and it couldn’t have been planned any better.


	90. Chapter 90

_ Don't speak you've already gripped me _ _   
_ _ And I've made a room for both of our hearts _ _   
_ _ Every night feels like we're in heaven _ _   
_ _ Every moment spent lasts forever _ _   
_ _ Every kiss that we wear, and drink that we share is alright by me _ _   
_ _ 'Cause we know it's right we're in heaven _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”We're In Heaven” by Joshua Micah_ **

He didn’t want for her to say anything to him, not right now. He couldn’t take hearing her break this moment, break the trance they were both in. They really shouldn’t have done anything like this, but he hadn’t been able to help it. Not when she’d stood in front of him. They’d been fighting for so long now, but it hurt him. Every single day that they spent arguing. He didn’t want to push her away, because she already had a hold on him. He kissed her again and when he pulled back he felt her dark eyes searching his face.

Months ago he’d made room for her in his heart, and he was fairly sure that she had done the same. They were partners, they spent most of their workdays together. Sonja and Chris were arguably more public with how close they were, he and Brody had kept things quieter, and more private. It tended to stay between the two of them. Early mornings and late nights. They were both workaholics, and it meant they spent a lot of time together even when they weren’t necessarily on a case.

Those nights, every single one of them, felt perfect and heavenly. He could use that time to watch her, and that was how he’d started to find himself falling for her, and until recently he’d never thought that she’d return it. He knew that she respected him as her boss, that she confided in him as a friend, but there was more to it now. After Linda had made him leave he’d thought that love was beyond him, he was happy that Brody was the one to prove him wrong.

Stolen moments helped him feel like they had forever. Then she’d met the last guy, and she’d pulled away from him. That was what had started the arguments. That had been a few weeks ago, and he was truly worried about her. She was changing in front of his eyes and it scared him, a little, that he would lose that one person. Today he’d tried to address it and they’d been screaming at each other, only inches apart. That was when he’d first kissed her, trying to show her how much she mattered.

Now her hands were holding his hair, and their lips were millimetres apart. There was nothing separating them. Pride had never expected this, not in a million years. They had shared many things, but this was a step further than that. This was the two of them admitting that all the suppressed feelings they’d had for as long as he could remember were totally mutual. But he was also afraid that she would break them. Just as he was about to pull away she moved forward again and kissed him harder. This was heavenly to him, and he couldn’t imagine letting go of this now. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to.


	91. Chapter 91

_ So just hold quick, you're fading fast _ _   
_ _ In a cold trick of the light _ _   
_ _ I'm just so sick I thought you might be here _ _   
_ _ But you di-disappear _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”One Love” by Marianas Trench_ **

She was right there. She had been right there. Whole and healthy. Looking just as she had the last time he’d seen her. The last photographs he’d taken of her. She’d been playing with Millie in the sunshine. She’d looked amazing and happy, and their then-toddler had been laughing hysterically as her mother had tickled her.

Then Merri had got the call to go in for a case, and she’d never come home. Millie had been 15 months old. Merri had been 39.

Millie was now six, and it had been almost 5 years since he’d lost his beloved wife. She should be here, she should be helping her daughter blow out her candles. As he looked over the same garden that she’d been playing with Millie in all those years ago. He hadn’t been able to leave New Orleans. He felt close to her here. Felt close to her found family.

It was the hardest on Millie though. She wanted her mum, even now. The only thing he would never, ever be able to get her.

He still lived in the same house, Loretta’s guest house. She was happy to have him there, and he really didn’t want to think about leaving. This was Merri’s home. In those tricks of light he felt like she was there. He felt sick every time she disappeared. He felt like the wind was knocked out of him every time.

Millie was the absolute double of Merri, and while that hurt, it gave him something to hold on to. He still had a part of her.

But he missed her deeply.


	92. Chapter 92

_ And finding answers, is forgetting all of the questions we called home. Passing the graves of the unknown _ _   
_ _ As reason clouds my eyes, with splendour fading. Illusions of the sunlight _ _   
_ _ The reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting. With love gone for so long _ _   
_ _ And this day’s ending, is the proof of time killing all the faith I know. Knowing that faith is all I hold. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Shattered” by Trading Yesterday_ **

The questions that she’d had for close to nine years were answered or forgotten. That was a strange place for Meredith Brody, as they had been her constant companions, they had been home, for want of a better thought. She was trying to let go now, she had been right all along. Emily had been murdered and was finally getting the justice she so richly deserved. That was why she had chosen to make this trip, visit Emily’s grave and tell her what had happened.

As she passed all the graves on the way to Emily’s she thought about their families. Had they had issues like this. Were some of them still grieving for the family member they lost, or were these all unknowns now, people who had died long ago who no longer had family to mourn for them. 

Trying to justify all of this in her mind was harder, why was she thinking about these strangers instead of the face she had known for her entire life. She’d been left waiting for this long to tell Emily they’d caught Robert because of a lie, and everything around it. Had it kept Emily waiting to rest peacefully, as some believed it would. She didn’t know anymore. 

Even after all this time, that sisterly love was still there. She ended up sitting at the end of the grave and just talking. Talking about everything. She spoke about her fears and how she was losing faith in everything, she was losing faith even in herself. There was so little she had had left, but this had even killed that. Robert, someone who had been almost family, had been the reason her sister was dead. None of this was fair, and how could she have any faith in people she loved if family could betray like that. 


	93. Chapter 93

_ Let you down, mess it up, we both knew it couldn’t last forever _ _   
_ _ It’s coming down, I’ve had enough, I guess we crumbled under all the pressure _ _   
_ _ I did my best for what it’s worth, and I gave you all this heart can give _ _   
_ _ So farewell, I didn’t mean to let you down _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Farewell” by Simple Plan ft Jordan Pundik_ **

No matter what she had truly wanted this relationship to last as long as was possible. She knew it wouldn’t and couldn’t last forever. That wasn’t the way that relationships went for her. It never had been. She’d always wanted more than she got, but inevitably something messed it up. Normally something that she did. She was a self-destructive train-wreck at the best of times.

This was it though. She recognised the look on his face. It was the same look she’d seen on almost every person she’d ever dateds face. It was the face that said “I’ve had enough”. They’d had enough of how she was a workaholic, how she was emotionally distant, how she was still sleeping with her ex. They were all very valid issues, and she couldn’t really be angry that they were upset with her. She just didn’t deal very well with the pressure of relationships.

For what it was worth, she had tried her very best this time. That was simply all she could give though. It was never enough for anyone else. She had to give more of herself to her work, to the victims she was trying to find justice for. It simply wasn’t enough for her to try and balance a relationship along with that.

So it was time she say goodbye, and apologise for letting another person she loved down. It was all she did these days though, so she was prepared. It was nights like these she missed James. He got her, and maybe that was a reason she should stick to him.


	94. Chapter 94

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set during an as-yet-unpublished sequel to my fic "All Downhill From Here"

_ Cos it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man _ _   
_ _ Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in _ _   
_ _ Take a bow, play the part of a lonely, lonely heart _ _   
_ _ Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in _ _   
_ _ To the world you thought you lived in _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Any Other World” by Mika_ **

He was kicked down into another room, and this time Gibbs knew he was at the room he needed to be. There was a woman with long, dark hair slumped in a chair, and he knew instantly that was Meredith, and there was Lugo, standing just behind her. “Special Agent Gibbs, you came to find her?” Accented English, rather than his standard Russian. That confused and concerned him in a way he couldn’t explain.

“Yes.” There were no other words. He had come because he had fallen in love with her again. It hadn’t been intentional, but Meredith Brody had worked her way back into his heart. He had lost too many people to go through this again. He didn’t need to be faced with losing her too. Not like this.

“I was saving you for later. I wanted to send you her parts. Bit by bit.” What was it about that sentence that caused Lugo unbridled joy. He didn’t know, but knowing him… he just wanted to make the two of them suffer.

“Jethro.” He heard mumbled, and as the face came up a little he saw the purple and blue bruises on her face, none of them had had time to fade to yellow. She was swollen and clearly sore, but she was alive for now. That was how he hoped she’d stay.

“I’m here, Meredith. I’m right here.” He wanted to go to her, but staying back a little was the more sensible course of action right now. This would protect her as well. She didn’t look like she really knew much anymore. Had it only been two days since he’d woken to find the bed empty?

“You two are together.” The observation seemed unnecessary, but clearly Lugo felt like he needed to voice it before he kicked Gibbs’ arm again, causing him to fall forward. “Yet I had to kill my partner because of you. Destroy my world.” There was bitterness and anger in Lugo’s voice, and there was nothing Gibbs could do. He picked up one of the implements again, and stopped beside the chair Brody was somehow propped up in. In her current state there was absolutely no guarantee that Brody would live through anything that Lugo did to her. “Say goodbye to yours, Agent Gibbs.”

“No!” He charged at Lugo, but the contact was made with Brody’s body before he managed to tackle him. He felt the crunch as Lugo’s head smacked against the concrete flooring, and turned in time to see Brody falling from the chair.

He watched her fall back, laying totally still, and just had to wait to see if she took another breath. Then he’d know she was OK.


	95. Chapter 95

_ It really hurts to know that I'm why your bed's half empty _ _   
_ _ While you sleep alone or just stare up at the ceiling _ _   
_ _ And if you're a mess god knows what that makes me _ _   
_ _ 'Cause the weight from all my guilt is all too much for me to carry _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Dial Tones” by As It Is_ **

He had blamed her and he was right. She was the reason why their beds were half empty. Why she still only slept on one half of the bed, just expecting him to be there on the other side. From the minute they met they’d fit together, and that had included their love of sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. It had also included his enjoyment of being cold while he slept, meaning he let her have all the blankets. Now she got them all too, but she didn’t have him there. She didn’t have the other person in the bed who had occasionally fought her for a corner.

She was alone now, and she wondered if he was too. He’d always claimed that since the day they met he’d never looked at another woman, and from all the reports she’d gotten that had been true. He’d only ever thought about her. She wondered if he was lying somewhere, wherever this assignment had taken him, and staring up at the ceiling the same way she was. Was he thinking about their relationship and everything that they’d done wrong too. Did he still sleep alone the way she did, or had he found someone to fill the space that she’d left. Did she have any right to even ask that?

He claimed that emotionally he was a mess, that he couldn’t deal with his feelings well enough to be there for her. If he was a mess she didn’t want to think about him. For some time she’d been close to catatonic, then she’d only been angry. Right now she didn’t know what she was. It had been months and she still didn’t know how she felt, she didn’t know how to deal with this. They’d gone their separate ways yet she was still always thinking about him, sending him messages whenever she got to missing him. It wasn’t as though she was the only one, he did it too.

She was guilty that this had fallen on him, because none of it was his fault. It wasn’t his fault that she was unable to deal with her emotions like a sane, sensible and healthy adult human being, and it wasn’t his fault that this tragedy had befallen her to begin with. He’d tried to be there for her, and she’d pushed him away. So she picked up the phone and called him, hoping that this time he’d pick up her call. As soon as she heard his voice she smiled, knowing that no matter what continent he was currently on, he’d pick up for her. So she only had two words for him.

“I’m sorry.”


	96. Chapter 96

_ I am vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong _ _   
_ _ I am right, I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along _ _   
_ _ And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well _ _   
_ _ I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional_ **

Selfish. That’s what he’d been called on more than one occasion. He’d been told that he was selfish because he was putting his happiness above the job, above his career. On the other hand he’d been told he was selfish for working all the time, for not putting anything else above it. So he’d already let one avenue for happiness fall away because of his job, but this one he wasn’t letting go of.

He’d been proven right on all of those cases, and he had been supported by people who knew that he’d been right all along. The people who hadn’t believed him were the people that he didn’t need to think about anymore. He’d been vindicated and he’d been supported through it all.

Then she’d come in and pointed out his flaws, but he was cleaning them up, smoothing over them. Her help was something that he’d never give up. 

Only now was he seeing that focusing on his job for as long as he had hadn’t been selfish, it had been a part of him. A part that they’d once said they respected. The ones who left hadn’t seen though, otherwise they would have understood that he needed this. He needed his job, and now that he had someone else in his life who was also a workaholic he knew that he was not broken for this drive. She worked alongside him, and she did see all this.


	97. Chapter 97

_ Here’s to all that we kissed and to all that we missed _ _   
_ _ To the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn’t trade _ _   
_ _ To us breaking up without us breaking down _ _   
_ _ To whatever’s coming our way _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Here’s To Us” by Halestorm_ **

She clinked her glass against his then drank the shot of Don Alvaro. It was their drink, and she just smiled watching him for a second. Leaning across and kissing him softly. This toast was for all the times they’d done that before, and to all the times they hadn’t. It had been to the nights they’d spent together, and the months and years they’d spent apart, missing parts of one another’s lives.

Mistakes had been made all those years ago, neither of them could argue with that. She wouldn’t trade them in though. Not now. At the time she’d wished they hadn’t happened, but they had made them both stronger, and had given them a stronger base for this relationship to grow on. She didn’t want to go back to that idealistic first relationship. They needed the grit they had now, because of those mistakes.

Sitting in the bar was proof that, once again, she and James didn’t do anything normal. They were here celebrating the day they broke up, not the day they got back together. They didn’t even really acknowledge that day, it was just another day. This day was the proof that they could be apart without completely shutting down, but that didn’t mean they ever wanted to do it again. They were a package deal.

Their lives were, no doubt, going to continue changing, so they could continue celebrating this day and the fact that it proved together they could survive anything. That was the most important thing for them both, and she was so happy that they were there together. As he wrapped an arm around her shoulders she settled back to watch the entertainment of their friends doing karaoke. She couldn’t be happier either.


	98. Chapter 98

_ Standing on the edge of morning  _ __   
_ Scent of sex and new found glory  _ __   
_ Playing as she's pulling back her hair  _ __   
_ She drives away, she's feeling worthless  _ __   
_ Used again but nothing's different  _ __   
_ She'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Want To Save You” by Something Corporate_ **

Why did she do this to herself again. The sun wasn’t even up, and other than the fact that she had driven herself she wouldn’t know where she was. It wasn’t the first time, and if her current streak continued, it wouldn’t be the last. Before she went to work she needed to go home and shower, wash off the smell of sex and self-destruction. That was her hope anyway. The song on the radio seemed to be fitting with her mood too. She really needed to start doing something different, she needed to break out of this situation.

This was pretty much all the she had left, these meaningless nights with the variety of bad suitors that she came across while trying to forget the life that she was living. She no longer cared enough to be picky like she’d once been. Now she was so used to being used, so used to things not going her way that she just moved on from all of this. She could stay the night, but he wouldn’t care either way, and in the morning she could imagine how it would go down. 

No, leaving and driving home, changing for the day. That was the better idea. If there was such a thing anymore.


	99. Chapter 99

_ Well isn't anybody home in here _ _   
_ _ It's getting cold and I just don't care, _ _   
_ _ So I'm gonna find something else to do, uh-huh. _ _   
_ _ Just take a really good look at me _ _   
_ _ I'm twenty-two and I still don't see, why _ _   
_ _ All of you people just can't get along, anymore. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Soulfight” by The Revivalists_ **

“Anybody home!?”

She’d got back from DC and, for some reason, she’d just expected her friends to still be in the office. Yet there was nobody obviously there, no smells of coffee or cooking from the kitchen. It was as though they hadn’t been there all day.

She was getting cold and, right now she didn’t care about much. She sort of wanted to sleep in her own bed, as a few days in a bed not her own was not her plan. Maybe she should try the bar, or find something else to do.

If she took a good look at herself she’d realise that this wasn’t really a problem she needed to deal with. If people didn’t like them then, well they could deal with that. They were federal agents it wasn’t their job to be liked. 

She just needed to go home and sleep, nothing in her mind was making sense anymore. But she’d promised Pride she’d come home, and that’s where she now was. Or where she would be once she saw him. Then she’d be home. Because without Dwayne Pride she was still a long way from home.


	100. Chapter 100

_ Hey don’t pay no mind _ _   
_ _ We are the second you’re minutes behind _ _   
_ _ So you say “Yeah I’m alright” _ _   
_ _ You are the fortunate all the time _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Fortunate” by Cartel_ **

She wasn’t going to let thoughts of him trouble her anymore, not when she was faster than him, smarter than him, prettier than him and, frankly, just all round better than him. He thought he was so smart because he was so smart. Well. She’d proven that wrong hadn’t she. He was a full minute behind her on every test.

“You got some game Brody.” Was the only response the cop could give her, and she just smirked a little. Was it because she was tall, or was it because she tended not to look like the type who enjoyed getting into this type of competition. One thing was always true though, there was always utter shock that she was as good as she was.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” She smirked a little and shook his hand before walking back to the area with the NCIS agents sat in it, all looking a little dumbstruck. “Now, who’s idea was it for me to go last in this competition?” She asked, looking at her colleagues and shaking her head. She just really enjoyed proving people wrong, and while they all knew that she was good, they didn’t know how good.

Bowling was just something she was good at.


	101. Chapter 101

_ It’s just another Monday, I’m just another face in a faceless crowd _ _   
_ _ I’m going down a one-way, caught up in the machine and I’m spit right out _ _   
_ _ I’m living in a rat race, I’m looking for my soul in the lost and found _ _   
_ _ I’m sitting in the same spot counting every tick tock _ _   
_ _ Gotta hit the punch clock, when’s it gonna stop _ _   
_ _ Another day in black and white _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ordinary Life” by Simple Plan_ **

When did she become this person? When did she become the one who was just turning up at work for the paycheck. Giving, giving and giving yet never feeling like she was getting anything back. For over a decade her driving force had been getting justice for people, and she’d pursued that with a passion and vigor. Now though it was as though the fight was taken right out of her. She didn’t want to keep going. She was just another face, another person turning up to do what they had to do and nothing more.

He could tell too. She knew he could tell and at the same time she knew that he thought there was nothing he could do about it. He was probably right, there didn’t seem to be any way for him to change how she was feeling. He would change absolutely everything for her if he could, she knew that. She didn’t have to question that, but that didn’t actually help her. 

She sat in the same position in the office every day, and most days she counted down the minutes until she could escape out the door again, just to go home and do the same thing until she came back to work again. There was nothing else in her life. Even her weekends were given over to work. She couldn’t help but wonder when it was going to stop, when she was finally going to start living again.

Then he turned up on her doorstep. A bottle of wine, a pint of ice-cream, a DVD and a friendly shoulder. That had been enough to break the last crumbling remains of the wall she’d been trying to keep erect since the day she’d arrive. Maybe it was breaking down the wall that the needed. Her boss, her friend, and so much more than that, he was the one who had managed to save her, and all he was was there.


	102. Chapter 102

****

_ I used to spend my nights wishing that I could be someone else _ _   
_ _ Then I realised the person I’d be was always gonna be myself _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause if you look past the imperfections _ _   
_ _ We are all the same we’re only human _ _   
_ _ The most powerful thing you own is your voice _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Perfect” by Emma Blackery_ **

“When I was younger I had terrible self confidence.”

“B you gotta be kidding.”

“No seriously. Then when I was about… 17 I gave up caring. Or should I say, Emily gave up caring and that made me reevaluate.”

“How does your sister giving up make you reevaluate?”

“She pointed out that yeah, we were all different and when you looked past the differences and the imperfections and the crap that we’re just human and all of us suck.”

“That was less inspiring than I was hoping for.”

“She then led the entire student body into going on strike in support of something. I don’t remember any more. As soon as she learnt how to mobilise people Emily was a terror.”

“I bet your school loved her.”

“Emily got us kicked out of our 2nd boarding school”

“Do I want to know what happened to the first?”

“An English teacher, a trip to the zoo and the shouted instruction of ‘stop taunting that bear, Meredith.’ happened to the first.”

“I both regret asking yet am oddly intrigued.”

** “It’s a story for another time, my friend.” **


	103. Chapter 103

_ You’ve got a heart as loud as lions _ _   
_ _ So why let your voice be tamed _ _   
_ _ Maybe we’re a little different _ _   
_ _ There’s no need to be ashamed _ _   
_ _ You’ve got the light to fight the shadows _ _   
_ _ So stop hiding it away _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Read All About It” by Emeli Sande_ **

He was normally not the most fearless person in a room, nor the bravest, the strongest, but he never spoke up about being the smartest. She knew that he was, she knew that he would be able to convince anyone to do the things he needed. She heard his voice, but he didn’t let anyone else.

They were different, and that was a great think. She loved that he was as different as he was, and she wanted to try and bring him out of himself. He was one of her best friends, and when things went wrong in her personal life he was always there to help her pick up the pieces.

He tended to hide away that ability too. He could brighten any day better than almost anyone else, and she was proud to call him her friend. One day she hoped he found someone who could appreciate that about him, he just needed to appreciate those things about himself too.


	104. Chapter 104

_ Slower, slower we don’t have time for that _ _   
_ _ All I wants to find that easier way to get out of our little heads _ _   
_ _ Have heart my dear, we’re bound to be afraid _ _   
_ _ Even if it’s just for a few days, making up for all this mess _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Run” by Snow Patrol_ **

This moment needed to go on forever, he didn’t know how it would but it needed to. He didn’t want to let go of her, but at the same time he knew that they didn’t have time to linger here. He was praying for time to go slower. He needed time to go slower. 

He wished there was a way for them to have more moments like this. More moments where it was just the two of them standing together trying to reconnect with humanity. Brody was good for him in that sense. She’d come to New Orleans and taught him that he didn’t need to always internalise everything. He could talk to someone about it.

She was afraid right now, he knew that. It wasn’t every day that they went into something like this without hesitating. Pride knew though that if he was going to save his team, his family… her… He needed to do this. He needed to give himself up and fight for what their team had accomplished the last two years.

This had been a bungled mess, and he hadn’t seen it fast enough. There had always been that suspicion of Russo. He’d come in too firm, too fast, and far too conveniently. He wished he could have prevented Brody’s pain, and everything else that had happened. 

“I’ll only be gone a few days, keep my seat warm for me.” He whispered, then did the one thing that, had he done it weeks ago when he’d first thought about it, would have prevented all of this. He kissed her tenderly then smiled and stepped away. It was time to make up for his failings.


	105. Chapter 105

_ When I wake up _ _   
_ _ The dream isn’t done _ _   
_ _ I wanna see your face and know I made it home _ _   
_ _ If nothing is true _ _   
_ _ What more can I do? _ _   
_ _ I am still painting flowers for you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Painting Flowers” by All Time Low_ **

James only wanted one thing out of all of this now, that was to make it home to see Meredith again. He dreamt about her face, about having her beside him. That was the dream that kept him going on the long days and hard, lonely nights.

That would be home for him. Seeing Meredith face there. His Meredith, his MB. He knew that them being a permanent fixture was a distant thought, but he still wished for it, especially like this. When he needed to hold on to something. He just hoped someone had told her.

Right now though, he didn’t know what was true he didn’t know if she was even alive. Some days he wondered if he was alive. If there was anything more he could do he would, but as it was he just needed to survive until he was found.


	106. Chapter 106

_ God you’ve gotta save us, we hide behind the faces that we make to disguise _ _   
_ _ The things that we’re ashamed of and all the ugly things that make us close our eyes _ _   
_ _ They make us close our eyes. _ _   
_ _ Why do we close our eyes _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Topics” by Nevertheless_ **

She wore a mask, and they all knew it. It had one gotten worse because of recent events. The first time she took a leap she almost lost everything she knew. So she hid away. She couldn’t let them all see how bad it was for her now.

She was ashamed that she’d been taken in, that she’d been deceived. She was meant to be an expert in this, she was meant to see through everything. It was as though she’d just closed her eyes and ignored everything.

Why had she closed her eyes? That wasn’t like her. She had known from the first moment that he was bad news, yet she had ignored her instincts. She was never going to do that again.


	107. Chapter 107

_ Now there’s gravel in our voices, glasses shattered from the fight _ _   
_ _ In this tug of war you’ll always win even when I’m right _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause you feed me fables from your hand, with violent words and empty threats _ _   
_ _ And it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Love The Way You Lie” by Skylar Grey_ **

She wasn’t buying it this time. There was no way that this was going the way he claimed it was, it didn’t make sense. She heard the rest of the team getting closer, and she just hoped they’d get there first.

The jurisdictional tug-of-war was over and NCIS had won, but that wasn’t stopping him, and right now it seemed like even though she was right she was going to lose. She was going to be forced to concede, and she didn’t like that.

If he didn’t win he’d threaten. Was that they way this was going to go. He was going to give empty threats because she’d finally seen through him. That didn’t seem like it was fair. Then she wondered if they were empty threats, or would he actually follow through.

Was it sick and twisted that this was why she’d loved James, and it was why it was self destructive here. With James the biggest argument had been about his work. This was so much worse than that, Russo was threatening her home and her family. On top of that, she knew James loved her. All she knew right now about Russo was that nothing about him was what he claimed.


	108. Chapter 108

_ With splinters in our teeth we’re driven from our parallels _ _   
_ _ Our path a prison, bound to walk where countless feet already fell _ _   
_ _ But there’s a wildness in our heart that we’ve forgotten in our march _ _   
_ _ All to be free like this _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”No Parallels” by Hands Like Houses_ **

Why did this feel so much like they were just doing the the same walk to the same life every day. The same thing that hundreds of thousands of people did every day. She didn’t want to feel like a sheep any longer. For a while he’d stopped her.

In the drudgery of their every day lives they had forgotten what it felt like to be open and know exactly what they wanted. Whenever they were alone they knew what happiness was, they knew how to love and how they felt about each other. Then they’d be back in the word and it would be gone.

She wished that she felt as free as she had been when it was just the two of them.


	109. Chapter 109

_ This place is so empty my thoughts are so tempting _ _   
_ _ I don’t know how it got so bad _ _   
_ _ Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing can save me _ _   
_ _ But it’s the only thing that I have _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pieces” by Sum 41_ **

She was all alone here again, and she was alright with being here. She was alright with being alone. The desire to do something reckless and stupid was there, but she fought it off. Since the  _ Moultrie _ it was even harder to fight that urge than it once had been, but she still managed to.

How had she fallen into this bit of obsession, anger and pain. How had her life gotten to this point. How had losing Emily almost destroyed every other part of her life. It wasn’t a small thing, but it was only one thing. She should have been stronger than this. She had pushed her family away, she’d pushed James away. They weren’t important anymore.

Objectively she knew she was a little crazy about this, and that she probably needed saving. People had tried, but she couldn’t step away from it. She couldn’t let go of the situation that she was in right now. There was just too much that she couldn’t answer, too much that she didn’t understand.

All she had left were these photos and this file. Surely she could solve Emily’s death with this. That was all she had left. She would make sure that there was justice for her sister.


	110. Chapter 110

_ Obviously we're too destructive _ _   
_ _ Filling your days with romantics _ _   
_ _ It’s in your blood to draw attention _ _   
_ _ Making the best of the situation _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Situations” by New Found Glory_ **

This relationship was definitely not the healthiest, or the most normal. She’d pointed that out a dozen or more times, to him and to herself, but that didn’t seem to stop it. It was obvious to themselves and to everyone else, but she didn’t care. They had tried to be a normal couple, tried their hand at romance and been like the old movies.

That had been a terrible idea.

Maybe it was part of being a reporter, or maybe it was just who James was in general. She didn’t know for certain anymore and she hated that. He liked attention on them, he liked showy things and he definitely liked to show her off. That wasn’t the best when she was who she was. It made her lose her mind sometimes.

The truth was though that she would make the best out of everything, she knew that was what he was trying to do too. They were all just trying to make the best of the situations they were put into. She loved James, more than she normally would admit. So she would live with these little annoyances, because they reminded her of him.


	111. Chapter 111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I killed either Brody or Percy.... I don't know which one

_ She looked to the sky and with one final breath _ _   
_ _ She said “take this heart from out of my chest _ _   
_ _ Carry it far with the love you possess _ _   
_ _ I’m sorry my boy, but I tried my best” _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sleepless in Seattle” by The Strive_ **

“I tried.” 

Those were the last words she’d ever spoken, and it was something that meant more to their team than anyone else would ever know. 

She had come to them a little broken, a little dysfunctional, and very distrustful. Eventually she had become a part of this family. It was a family that was now missing a huge part of it.

Were they expected to move on? Were they expected to take a breath and forget that she’d been there at all? Because that wasn’t going to happen. 

She was loved, she was missed, and with all the love her found family possessed they buried her with honours. Never to be forgotten again.


	112. Chapter 112

_ Every time I try and get a little closer, you shut down and the conversation's over _ _   
_ _ I'm right here but you leave me in the dark, show me your private parts _ _   
_ _ Give it up baby what are you afraid of, love sucks when you don't know what it's made of _ _   
_ _ We get naked but I can't control your heart, show me your private parts _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Private Parts” by Halestorm_ **

She had walls, really that’s all she was. Meredith Brody was a wall masquerading as a person sometimes. Pride had known people who had walls as defenses, who had walls to protect themselves or others, walls to stop them from breaking down… but he’d never known walls quite as impenetrable as hers.

For two years he’d tried to get closer, and he’d gotten to a certain point then she’d shut down. She’d break down and stop letting him in, throwing those walls back up. He wanted so desperately to know her deepest thoughts, but it was an uphill battle. He didn’t want to push her too far. “I’m not going anywhere, Merri. I’m here.” 

“You can’t promise me that, King.” She argued, shaking her head softly. His heart broke slightly that she had been pushed aside and mistreated so many times. She didn’t deserve the harsh life that she’d been handed.

“What are you afraid of? I love you, that’s not going to change.” The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them, and while he didn’t regret them he worried what Merri would think. She wasn’t the most comfortable with emotions at the best of times.

“You… what?” She stopped arguing instantly, seemingly caught entirely off guard by his admission. It was the first time he’d said that, the first time he could even admit to thinking it, but it was entirely true.

“I love you.” He said it again then kissed her softly. He knew that she needed to be shown that she was loved, that she was cherished. That no matter what happened he was going to be there, and that nothing she’d ever say would cause him to run from her. He had accepted how he felt about her, and the proof of that was finally telling her.


	113. Chapter 113

_ So stay strong and breathe in and don't try to pretend _ _   
_ _ Nothing lasts forever in the end _ _   
_ _ Here in my arms is right where you belong slow dancing every night _ _   
_ _ And I hear your voice and I've known all along that it's only a matter of time _ _   
_ _ Until you're here by my side 'cause you're the love of my life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Here In My Arms” by The Sunstreak_ **

The case was over, and he could breathe a sigh of relief. This wasn’t how he’d wanted it to go, but it was how it had ended. As horrible as it was they’d saved the city, once again. She’d even been cleared, and wouldn’t be prosecuted for the death of a federal agent. It was self defence and defence of the whole city. In reality, he couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t proud of her.

They stood together in the courtyard, just smiling at one another and Pride knew in that moment that he could help her through this. Through everything that she’d been through she’d just taken a deep breath and carried on. She was one of the strongest people he knew, and while they were smiling now he could see the break was coming, and she didn’t need to pretend for him. He knew. “Merri, don’t try to pretend you’re OK. I know you better than that.”

He watched the change in her face at that, for a second she was still smiling, but the tears and the fear welled up in her eyes. He knew, he’d known, and now he just wanted to save her. After a second he pulled her into his arms and felt her wrap herself around him gently. “I don’t think I can handle this.” She whispered as he held her close to her. It was one of the most comfortable that he’d been, and the way she melded against him made him think that she had always belonged there.

Brody just really needed a friend who loved her, who wanted to protect her. Whenever Pride heard her voice he knew that eventually they would be there together. He was in love with her, he had known that for a while. Now he was beginning to think this may be mutual. Holding her close he wanted her to know that she was always going to have someone to help her. He couldn’t leave her, and he knew that she was a permanent fixture now.


	114. Chapter 114

_ Why don’t you love me the way that I do? _ _   
_ _ Why don’t you need me the way I need you? _ _   
_ _ How many years have I wasted, hoping you’ll change when _ _   
_ _ You never will, you’re reeling me in and letting me go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Let Me Go” by Startisan_ **

He knew that he was hoping and praying for a miracle. Hoping that she’d change to the point where she’d let him stay indefinitely. Where she would welcome him into her life permanently, so they could stay together.

He had always known he loved her, and he knew that she loved him too. But she didn’t love him the same way, and she definitely didn’t need him the same way he needed her. The truth was that no matter what had happened he was always going to do this.

For years, for years and years now, he’d wasted the time they had hoping that she’d change. She’d never change, she’d never love or need him the way he did her. But the truth was that no matter what he did he couldn’t run away.

She pulled him in then let him go, always on her terms. The thing he hated the most was that he couldn’t walk away.


	115. Chapter 115

_ Can’t fight the feeling I feel inside _ _   
_ _ I try to tell you but I always hide _ _   
_ _ The things you say like “I want you to stay right _ _   
_ _ Here by my side” and let the words slide _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Olive You” by Dave Days ft Kimmi Smiles_ **

When had she fallen in love with Dwayne Pride. When had that passed over from them being professional friends to something more than that. She couldn’t pull her eyes away from him, all she wanted to do was tell him how she felt. 

How was she supposed to do that though. Wouldn’t it just be easier for her to run away and hide away. Not wanting to push it. She tried to tell him, she really did, but that wasn’t going to matter much.

Then, today she’d been ready to leave, ready to walk out and go home, alone. Pride had grabbed her hand and asked her to stay. He wanted her to stay beside him and she couldn’t say no to him, not when he looked at her that way.

Maybe she should tell him now. She opened her mouth to say them, then shut it again staring at Pride for a minute. As she did she caught his eyes, and he seemed to feel the same. 

It was only seconds but she saw it, and she leant forward and kissed him hard. It was the only way that she could think to tell him.


	116. Chapter 116

_ A single breath (in empty lungs) it’s all I got left (gasping for air) _ _   
_ _ And a bad idea branded in my brain I can’t seem to shake _ _   
_ _ Another day (in tired skin) I shed and fray (far from desire) _ _   
_ _ ‘Til all I am is textbook misery and my own mistakes _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Can’t Save Myself” by As It Is_ **

All the air was knocked out of her lungs. Hearing those words again was like watching her entire life torn away from her. She hadn’t heard them in such a long time. They were quiet, simple words. Words that for most people were the source of joy and happiness. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she couldn’t focus.

The problem for her, the biggest problem, was that it was there in her brain and she couldn’t get rid of it. It was a terrible, awful idea because whenever she had feelings for someone, something happened and they left.

Gibbs was her superior. James had left. Sam had self-destructed. She never knew what happened to Gatornation, but he’d never wanted to see her again… then there was Russo. That had been bad on every possible scale.

Days had passed since she’d realised, and she’d been so afraid of telling him that she still didn’t know how to process the fact that he’d said it first. That he’d told her first. Feelings were not what she dealt with best.

Eventually she would screw this up. She always did. Every relationship in her adult life she managed to screw up. She’d end up being miserable because of it too. Right now though she couldn’t think of a good reason not to go forward.

She hated, hated that he’d said it. But she had to reply in kind. Because it was true, and she didn’t want anything to happen and her never have said it. “I love you too, King.”


	117. Chapter 117

_ You say I would make a better liar _ _   
_ _ And never face the music when it’s dire _ _   
_ _ And I breathe disaster, ever after _ _   
_ _ Don’t pull away from me now _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ever After” by Marianas Trench_ **

The last thing she needed right now was for someone else to pull away from her. Someone else she trusted and needed in the wake of all these bad decisions she was having to make. She’d never truly sought to be in control, she’d never wanted to be the leader, but right now it was where she was and she needed to deal with that.

It seemed like disaster followed her, like everything that she breathed on was doomed to destruction, and that was a dark, difficult place to be. Seeing this situation going from bad to worse was making it all the more difficult to deal with.

She didn’t know where to turn. Eventually she would have to face the music, and the problem was that she wasn’t a natural liar, she preferred to tell the truth. So when push came to shove she was going to be punished for the actions she’d taken here today.

When that happened, she hoped she’d have at least one ally, she just didn’t know who it would be.


	118. Chapter 118

_ Don’t lie and say that it’s OK, it’s alright if there’s nothing more to say _ _   
_ _ So I’m running away, I’m leaving this place _ _   
_ _ Don’t tell me I’m the one to blame _ _   
_ _ It’s too late for you to make me stay _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Running Away” by Midnight Hour_ **

She didn’t need for them to keep lying to her and telling her that they could move past this. The look on the faces didn’t change no matter how much time had past. When those expressions started she knew that they all knew, and while they wanted to help her they also wondered why she had failed, why she had screwed up.

Simply put at this junction there was absolutely nothing more that they could say. She’d heard it all before and it hadn’t helped at all. In fact it had made her more and more uncomfortable every time someone had tried to tell her that it wasn’t a big deal, or that it wasn’t her fault.

Brody wasn’t actually blind, and she wasn’t naive. She knew that she alone was the one to blame for what had happened aboard the  _ Moultrie _ and she wasn’t going to let anyone else try and take that blame. Sure, Hooper had been the one who actually detonated his device, but she could have stopped him, she could have saved five lives. She’d hesitated though, and she was still trying to put that behind her.

It was time she leave again, try to find her fortunes somewhere else. Try to go somewhere that nobody would know her name or at least where they weren’t all trying to convince her that nothing was as bad as she thought it was. That was the most difficult part. She needed to be somewhere new. Somewhere that might forgive her.

She handed her transfer request in, and saw immediately that there was a vacancy somewhere she had heard would forgive her. The decision was instant and she hoped it would be permanent. She needed something like that.

That was the decision that led her to New Orleans.


	119. Chapter 119

_ Well I know it’s been years now _ _   
_ _ And I don’t look the same _ _   
_ _ And the hopes and dreams you had for me _ _   
_ _ You thought went down the drain _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When We Die” by Bowling For Soup_ **

The pictures always made James smile. He’d been so skinny then, much smaller than he was now. He had claimed he was compact at the time, but skinny and wirey were more likely the answers. He was barely bigger than Merri, and that was strange to think about. He had put weight on over the years, more out of muscle, and he preferred being the way he was now.

It had been years and he barely recognised him in these old pictures. He barely recognised Merri either though. Her almost ass length hair and the innocent look that was perpetually on her face. In these old photographs they were both young. That was the easiest way to explain it. He could feel the love through the years, but they were still young, that was mostly what he thought, and what he was amazed about. 

Neither of them were innocent or young anymore. Merri had been through more than anyone should have been, and he hadn’t always had the easiest of rides either. They had both had so many thoughts and dreams all those years ago. Most of them were still alive, but not all of them. He wished they were though, being without them sort of made him feel like he’d lost something. 

They had new hopes and dreams now, and they weren’t dependent on each other. They had made a commitment now, and they had their daughter, but they both knew that that wasn’t the same as what they’d once thought they were going to have. This was all very different, but he was truthfully very happy. Things were different, but he was happy.


	120. Chapter 120

_ Do you remember, we said we’d run _ _   
_ _ Away together, holding on to one another _ _   
_ _ Steal the car, steal the credit cards _ _   
_ _ We’ll run forever, holding on to one another _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Do You Remember” by The Summer Obsession_ **

He wanted to steal her away from everything right now. He didn’t know if she’d remember the drunken promise they’d made to each other a few weeks earlier, but if he could he would do all of it. He would make sure that she was OK and that she was safe. She needed it, especially now.

He wanted to convince her to run away with him. He would steal a new ID for them each, it wouldn’t be easy, but he’d do it because she needed to be kept safe. She needed to be held on to and shown that she was loved. That was the one thing she doubted more than anything, and he wished that he could prove her wrong there. She deserved to be happy and safe.


	121. Chapter 121

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from the point of view of a wall. I cannot explain it.

_ And I've been unable to push you away _ _   
_ _ You had me able to understand life like a game we play _ _   
_ _ You're not afraid of it all _ _   
_ _ And I've been unable to get you away _ _   
_ _ To talk about the things I wish I could say _ _   
_ _ Do you know your worth? _ _   
_ _ Cause everyday I pray for your world. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Miles Don’t Mean Anything” by Eye Alaska_ **

There was a darkness that seemed be hanging over this place, and nobody managed to get it to leave. Many people had tried, but none of them had succeeded yet. Nothing had pushed the gathering darkness away, and nothing would have been able to save them. Someone had figured it out in time, that had been one moment of relief.

Fear had no place here. There had been no reason or anyone to be afraid until the events of a few days earlier. This had been a safe space, but no longer. No safety remained, yet fear wasn’t the prevalent emotion. That was sadness, and distress. It would be replaced, as it always was, but that didn’t help.

Trying to protect her, protect anyone who lived within the space they contained. Damage had happened, as it had before. It would be patched up, it always was. This time it had been lucky. They had all been lucky. That was something that it hoped would continue on and on.

For it was only a wall. There was little more it could do.


	122. Chapter 122

_ I need you here but you're always so far away _ _   
_ _ I call you up but it's just never the same _ _   
_ _ 'Cause being closer to you is my sweetest escape _ _   
_ _ I need you here but you're always so far away _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”So Obvious” by Runner Runner_ **

She wanted him to be here, in New Orleans. It had been a long time since she’d admitted to herself that she needed James Lathom, and it was even less often that she would tell anyone else. But the first thing she’d thought when she got home was that she wished James was there too, however he was back in the UK, and she didn’t know when he’d be able to get away.

Calling him had helped, she’d been able to unload about recent events and he hadn’t judged her, he hadn’t said anything bad. He’d just told her that he loved her and that he wished he’d been there to stop her. It wasn’t the same as him physically being there, but it was something, it was better than never speaking or being on bad terms.

How she liked to escape was to be with him. Having him close was magical, and it helped her get out of her own head. That was something she desperately needed most of the time. She needed someone who loved and accepted her, and who she could trust not to break her at his first chance.

The long story short was that that further away James was the more she needed him, and she hated that he wasn’t just going to be there with her. Though she knew that he’d be there as soon as he could be. She should stop running now, and accept that whatever this was was permanent. She loved him, and that was why. 


	123. Chapter 123

_ Why don't we share the darkness tonight _ _   
_ _ Make it warm, and burn it bright _ _   
_ _ I'm not saying nothing, I'll be polite _ _   
_ _ Why don't we share the darkness _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_“Share The Darkness” by The Saw Doctors_ **

Laying in the bed together he didn’t understand why this hadn’t been an idea they’d had before. They were both stressed, they both worked long hours in an unforgiving profession that gave them very little down time. They were the practical thoughts, anyway. The less practical side of it was that he was in love with her, not that he could admit that right now. She wouldn’t believe him if he did, she’d claim that it was just because they’d finally taken the plunge.

There was a slight chill to the air, but he didn’t even feel it right then, because she was like a human radiator beside him. He loved that about her, and he’d always wondered if that would be true of her. She had such a warm heart, and a good spirit. Of course she was warm. Holding her close to him he felt her lips on his neck, and for just a second he wondered if maybe, just maybe, there was a chance she felt the same for him as he did for her, but he knew that in reality that was a distant dream.

Nothing would be said about them outside of this room, he knew that. They were both far too respectful of one another to say anything, and he also knew that the way her relationships tended to go, she didn’t like to tell anyone about them. Not until they were serious, and in reality he wasn’t sure he’d be ready for any kind of relationship to be public. It was too close to his divorce, too close to everything that had gone down a year previously. He wanted this, but he knew it needed to be on their terms.

He hoped that this would become a permanent part of his life, he certainly had the intention of asking her to make it something that they could do whenever they needed the closeness of another human being. He hoped that she would want to share this calm, quiet darkness. That was what they both needed someone they could be alone with, someone they could speak to and, most of all, someone who wasn’t going to judge them for the fact that they worked too hard. They were perfect, hopefully she could see that too.


	124. Chapter 124

_ I don’t say what I mean, I can’t give you everything _ _   
_ _ I’m as stubborn as cynical _ _   
_ _ It take more than love to keep you smiling _ _   
_ _ More than hope to keep you trying _ _   
_ _ It’s hard to be inseparable _ _   
_ _ When we have separate principles _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Concrete” by As It Is_ **

He was trying to tell her that he wasn’t the person that she wanted, that she needed. The one thing that she deserved was a man who could give her absolutely everything, stability, love, a family. That wasn’t him. He lived a thousand miles away and in a totally different world. The may have the same profession, but their positions were wildly different. He couldn’t take the time off to give to her, and he knew she didn’t expect him to. Maybe the problem was that he didn’t expect her to.

She was stubborn and cynical and he had balanced that out, he knew that. He was more often an optimist and happy to pull her out of her bad moods, but there was only so many times he could be expected to do that. He knew there were times when the opposite was true too, and doing it from another city was taxing and exhausting.

It took more than love to make a relationship work, it took guts and dedication and time. They had plenty of the former, he knew they did. They’d been attracted to each other from the day they met, and that had built up to where they were now. It was everything else that they struggled with. There weren’t enough leave days in the universe to make up for the fact they lived so far apart and did dangerous jobs.

They’d both spoken about how they wished they could be together more, and their friends had commented on how inseparable they were when they actually  _ were _ together. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting, but it had been a beautiful accident that he couldn’t imagine changing. It just couldn’t continue without a major change.

Arriving home that night there were bags on his doorstep, and as he got closer he saw a head look up and smile at him. Before he could ask a question she managed to answer it. “I took a transfer. I’m being moved here. Can I explain when we’re inside?” There was a hint of pleading in her voice and he gave in, opening the door and motioning for her to go in first. This was going to be interesting at the very least, but if it meant they could stay together then he was never going to complain.


	125. Chapter 125

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two in this. the first is set in an RP verse, the other is randomly at the end of S2.

_ I tried to live alone _ _   
_ _ But lonely is so lonely, alone _ _   
_ _ So human as I am _ _   
_ _ I had to give up my defences _ _   
_ _ So I smiled and tried to mean it _ _   
_ _ To let myself let go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Any Other World” by Mika_ **

He’d only lived in this house with her for a few months, and even in that time they hadn’t spent a huge amount of time doing what she had always assumed couples had done. Mostly they’d still argued about cases. Then two small humans had been created. Two babies who would never meet their father now.

So now she was going to have to live alone again, even though for the first time in her adult life, being alone was making her feel lonely. She’d just gotten used to having Pride there with her, having his laughter lighting up the rooms as he just brightened her life in one of the many ways he had since she’d come to New Orleans.

Even though she wished she wasn’t, she was human and she was sad. She needed to let people know that she was struggling, she needed people to come and help her, especially as she got ready to have their children. The one thing she could guarantee was that they were going to need a whole lot more than she could give them.

No matter what, her defences were still built up far above her head, because she hated to appear weak. She hated to appear as though she couldn’t handle something. That was her downfall here because she knew that she needed to let people know that she wasn’t really coping at all.

Smiling was easier though. Telling people that she was OK and that before long the twins would be taking her mind off it. That she and Laurel were spending most of their time together and were learning how to live with the huge gap in their lives now. But it was really all she could do. She had to let go, and she had to let herself do that.

* * *

_ I tried to live alone _ _   
_ _ But lonely is so lonely, alone _ _   
_ _ So human as I am _ _   
_ _ I had to give up my defences _ _   
_ _ So I smiled and tried to mean it _ _   
_ _ To let myself let go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Any Other World” by Mika_ **

She had tried to live alone, and for the most part she had succeeded, but she was lonely. Oh she was so very, very lonely. That was why she’d taken to going out all night, sleeping with random people who made her forget for a moment that she was lonely. They never lasted more than the night, but that was all she needed.

The problem was that she had too many defenses. When she’d moved here they’d started coming down, but they weren’t coming down quickly. Right now though she needed this to change, so she was going to have to give up part of her personal defence shield, to actually start making it stronger.

Approaching her friend she smiled and knew that he would be able to help her, he always helped her. Pride was good at that, so she knew she could just ask and it would be fine. “I need help. Can you come and stay with me?” 


	126. Chapter 126

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penlwydd Hapus Galia

_ Where are you, and I'm so sorry _ _   
_ _ I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight _ _   
_ _ I need somebody and always, this sick strange darkness _ _   
_ _ Comes creeping on so haunting every time _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Miss You” by Blink 182_ **

Pride wondered where she was. Was she happy, was she safe. Could he have said something that could have convinced her to stay. Could have have told her that nothing was her fault, that bad things happened in New Orleans and it nothing at all to do with the activities of one federal agent. She’d been adamant though, and after much arguing he’d had to accept her transfer request.

She called him every day. They spoke of her career, her position, their mutual friends. He told her all about what was going on with Laurel and the latest insane amount his ex-wife had come out with. They always carefully avoided one subject, the topic of her last night in New Orleans. The night they’d shared together. After two and a half years of working together they’d given in. Now they never mentioned it.

He couldn’t sleep, because all his dreams were about her. At least they were tonight. He had tried to forget about her, and it didn’t work. It was as though the darkness that had filled his life since she’d transferred never went away, not completely. Whenever it came back he found himself wishing that she was there. 

Unable to sleep he got out of bed and padded down to the kitchen, maybe tea would help, or at least take his mind off it for a moment. He was sat thinking at the table when he heard voices at the front gate, and he wondered who could be arriving at this time of night. Curious he stepped out into the office, and as he did and looked to the open doorway, she was there. 

He didn’t have any words, and any that he could have said would have been inadequate. He stopped thinking, stopped wondering and instead of waiting for her to say anything he walked to her and pulled her tight to his chest and kissed her as hard as he could. He should have done that before he let her leave, showed her back then that he loved her, but that was the past, and if she was even here just for a visit he wasn’t going to let her leave with any question of how he felt.

They shared another kiss, and as she held him to her just as tightly he realised that this feeling was mutual. When he pulled back and smiled at her he saw the tears in her eyes before she spoke. “I’m back, Dwayne. I couldn’t stay away. I never should have left”

“You’re home, Merri. You never have to leave again.” He smiled and brushed her hair back behind her ears then kissed her softly again. All that mattered to him right now was that she was back, and as she wrapped her arms around him he whispered those three words in her ear, the three words that made all the difference and was what meant that he truly believed that she was home. “I love you.”


	127. Chapter 127

_ The first thing I do when I walk in _ _   
_ _ Is plan a way out for when shit gets bad _ _   
_ _ I've been looking for tears in the screen door _ _   
_ _ I've been waiting for another disaster _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Passing Through The Screen Door” by The Wonder Years_ **

Normally, by now, she’d devised an escape strategy. She knew how she was getting out, how she would disentangle herself. How she would disappear into obscurity. That was the way that she lived her live. Searching for any way out just on the off-chance that things would inevitably go to hell.

She was waiting for the disaster to strike here, and over two years in it hadn’t. Things that would have been disasters anywhere else had seemed more trivial here. She’d had support, and that made it so much easier to deal with things.

Her plan for when everything went to shit still existed, but she was becoming more and more certain that she wouldn’t need it. She’d be OK, and that was the best thing. They got her, and it made her happy to stay and wait.


	128. Chapter 128

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to 126

_ Arguments, a long-distance call _ _   
_ _ Hard as it get's I go through it all _ _   
_ _ No matter where I roam you know _ _   
_ _ My body's here but my heart's at home _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Babe” by What's Eating Gilbert_ **

Three weeks, she’d been out of New Orleans three weeks and she knew that it had been the wrong decision. Brody hadn’t been to blame for anything that had happened but she simultaneously hadn’t been able to convince herself that she hadn’t been. It had taken getting out of the city for what felt like good to realise that nothing had been her fault. She was punishing herself for no reason.

Pride had argued with her about that, they had been almost screaming at each other about how she couldn’t blame herself for the rest of her life for the actions of others. That was when she’d taken an action in stopping him, and that was something that she didn’t regret, could never regret. 

She was too stubborn right now to go back, but as she sat and listened to Pride talking about Linda’s latest demands on him she realised that she wasn’t fully here. Seattle was lovely, and there was no history here, but she was only here in body. Her heart and soul were in New Orleans. 

They were with Pride. Back home.

No matter where she went that wasn’t going to change. She could be on a different continent and her heart would still remain with Pride, and suddenly as she listened to him telling her all about the latest case there she started to feel homesick. The only times she’d ever felt homesick before were while she was on an assignment. 

“I miss you, Dwayne.” She admitted, deciding that it wouldn’t be totally out of line for her to tell him that. Right now she was truly missing him, not really anything else about New Orleans, because as she spoke to Pride she really wanted to be sat there with him, and maybe they could figure something out about where they stood with each other.

“I miss you too.” He replied, and she had to take a moment to hold in the tears. She’d never gotten teary over a guy before, or over missing someone. Right now she probably needed to admit to herself that nothing was going to keep her away for very long.

She wasn’t going to run back to New Orleans, not yet, but right now she’d already given in. She was going to go back. She would put in a request to go back there, and she hoped that people would accept it. That they would allow her to go back because she needed to be back there. It was time to change her life, and this was one way to do it, giving over to them.


	129. Chapter 129

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is related to 126 and 128

_ And I can tell you're going through the motions _ __  
_ Figured you were acting out your part _ __  
_ Once again we're playing up emotion _ __  
_ Which one of us will burn until the end _ _  
_ _ \-- _ **_”All Downhill From Here” by New Found Glory_ **

He could tell that she wasn’t really paying attention right now. When she was working she was as professional as ever, but the rest of the time it was like she was a million miles away. She wasn’t normally the type that would pull away like this unless something was wrong. When Percy and LaSalle had left he pulled her off to one side, feeling like he just needed to ask her.

“What is going on with you?” He asked softly, standing in front of her. She looked like she was trying to get away, and he wouldn’t stop her if that’s what she wanted to do. After a few moments she looked up at him and he saw her lip trembling a little. 

“I put in a transfer request, King.” She said quietly, and he felt like his heart leapt to his throat. Had she truly done that, why would she do that? “When you accept it I’m transferring to Seattle.”

“Why?” He had to ask, he didn’t want to push her if she didn’t want to tell him, but he wanted to know what had changed. She had come back but had been trying to do things, trying to get past it all. 

She looked again like she was going to cry, and he put a hand on her arm. “Because… I let you all in, and I can’t be to blame when something goes wrong.” Pride knew, for certain, that this would be beyond what she could take on.

“Merri, you saved us, all of us… More than once.” He could count all the times that she had been the brains behind their team. She was so smart, and she knew exactly what was needed. He was sure that they would all lose without her. She had changed his life, and he wasn’t sure how he’d do anything without her.

“I love you, and them. I can’t… I have to go.” She sounded certain, like this was all she could do to make herself happy, but he couldn’t imagine her leaving.

“You love me?” He asked, for a moment he wondered if she meant platonically, but the moment that he met her eyes he saw that they cared for each other the way they’d probably both been trying to avoid admitting.

“Don’t make this harder, please. I need to leave.” Even though she said that she moved closer to him, standing right in front of him. He lifted his hand to her cheek and smiled softly because he wanted to show her that she’s all good.

“I will fight to get you back. I need you here.” He dropped forward and kissed her, not sure if this would help at all, but he wanted to show her that he meant what he was about to say, that if she was going to leave he was going to make sure that she knew how deeply he loved her. “I love you too.” 


	130. Chapter 130

_ There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness _ _   
_ _ Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed _ _   
_ _ You step a little closer each day _ _   
_ _ So I can't say what's going on _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Cannonball” by Damien Rice_ **

Have you ever thought about your own death? I hadn't, I never did. Despite my career, and my dealing with death every day… I somehow never thought about my own. I never imagined I'd need to think about or ever tell anyone what kind of funeral I wanted or who I wanted to do readings or really anything about death.

Then, my sister died.

My whole world was turned upside down in an instant, and I went from being carefree, innocent and excited to being downtrodden, broken and hesitant. I started to push people away, to protect myself so I never got hurt. I didn't let anyone in, and those who were already in, my fiance, my parents… I pushed them out so they couldn't hurt me. I then drifted through life. Never staying in one place for too long. Always getting new jobs and new situations. Not getting to know the people I worked with.

Then, I moved here.

I could tell from the moment that Chris walked into the office that this place was going to be different. I don't know how I knew that you and Chris were going to be the first people I'd let in in almost 8 years, but I knew from the first moment on that first case. For the first couple of months, finding my house and getting settled, it was all while I was still thinking that, in a few months or a year or two I'd be leaving.

Then, you saved my life.

I was held in that choke hold and instead of what you should have done, instead of talking him down, finding some way to take him alive. But you didn't want to risk my life, and you killed him. I remember standing there, in shock, and you just came to me and without doing anything, without trying to coddle me, you made me feel better. Every situation after that, you made me feel safe.

Then, the  _ Moultrie _ reared it's head again.

Suddenly I was thrown back almost 8 years, and the familiar feeling of closing down came upon me. I didn't want to let anyone in, but you made sure that you but a wedge in that door. You spoke to me, pushed me, told me that it was best I face it head on. You were right. You were totally right and I moved on. We went through everything. Baitfish, the Militia, my mother, Laurel's attack… We got through it together, and we were getting close, you and I.

Then, I met John Russo.

He was charming, and he manipulated me. Used me for what he wanted. You were still there though, you were still making sure that I was alright. The moment he walked into the office you didn't trust him. I could see it on your face. Chris and Sonja were too busy gossiping, but you knew, didn't you. You were right all along about him.

Then, you kissed me. That’s where we are.


	131. Chapter 131

_ And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand  _ _   
_ _ Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love _ _   
_ _ Without love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on  _ _   
_ _ And I know, all I know, is that the end’s beginning _ _   
_ _ Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart  _ _   
_ _ Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Shattered” by Trading Yesterday_ **

Who was she anymore, she didn’t know. Everything she thought she was had been pulled from her again. Just as it always was. She would get a grip on herself, then all of a sudden she would be pulled away and forced to change. How was anyone supposed to know who they were in that situation.

What puzzled her more was that she pushing away the one person who actually did make her feel better. He just wanted to make her happy, and she wasn’t letting herself see that. Was it because she’d been so hurt before, and she couldn’t really trust anyone anymore. Was it that she had heard all the talk before.

She’d been serious about just one person, and that had been difficult when things had ended. The words she’d heard then continued but they all had new meaning for her. They all told her she should protect herself.

What she knew now was that she wasn’t going to last much longer. She had feelings for him too, and the end of her lifetime of self preservation was going to have to end so that she could let him help her.

This place was her home now. These people her family, and her heart was going to reside here. More than that, her heart was going to reside with him, and that was the terrifying thing. 

For the first time in a long time, she wasn’t scared anymore, and she couldn’t stay silent anymore. 


	132. Chapter 132

_ You steal the life from me, shake all that I believe _ _   
_ _ But I can’t leave you no, I’ll always need you so _ _   
_ _ I love you more than words, it’s more than you deserve _ _   
_ _ You’re stringing me along, like grabbing onto fog _ _   
_ _ But all I catch is mist, what little of you sticks _ _   
_ _ Then you dry up and you’re gone, and I’m again alone _ _   
_ _ And on and on it goes, forever it unfolds _ _   
_ _ We’re fated I suppose to always play these roles _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Let Me Go” by Startisan_ **

He felt like the life was being pulled away from him by this relationship, and he couldn’t really do anything about it. She would show up from time to time and turn him upside down again. She shook his foundations, and for a long time he believed this would be a line he never crossed, yet here he was.

Maybe it was addictive, he didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that whenever she showed up at his door he couldn’t turn her away. He couldn’t leave her, and in a very sick and twisted way he did need her. He wouldn’t tell her that, but he was fairly certain that nothing about this was healthy anymore.

Love was something he had never planned, and clearly she hadn’t either. He loved her more than he could ever say, and in her own way the feeling was mutual. Whenever she was truly exposed on their nights together he had seen the real her, and her true feelings for him. She was too in control during the day to say it otherwise.

Maybe she was stringing him along, maybe he was stringing her along. He didn’t know anymore. He tried to see her more and she slipped away from him. She was aloof and unavailable, as always. He couldn’t catch her if he tried, she just wasn’t that type of person. He needed to wait until she came to him on her own terms.

When she was there, they talked about everything. He knew every piece of her, her mind, her body… when they were apart though he had to guess, and most of the time he guessed wrong. She disappeared into herself, and he was left alone. He hated that part of their relationship and what they were. 

It carried on, repeated so many times. He didn’t know anymore how long he’d been waiting on her deciding if she wanted this relationship or not. She would decide one day, he was certain of that. Right now it felt like it was fate or karma. They needed to break the cycle, but he didn’t know how to do that, and he was pretty sure that she didn’t either.


	133. Chapter 133

_ But like the sun breaks through the clouds _ _   
_ _ Your tired voice broke through the sound _ _   
_ _ And rearranged my little head this evening _ _   
_ _ The greys they turn to baby blue _ _   
_ _ Now babe my only plan is you _ _   
_ _ And all the precious time that I’ll be stealing _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight” by With Confidence_ **

The ER was full of loud noises and too many people. So many people. The bombing had injured so many, and he knew his agents had all been nearby. He had been too, but had been behind something that had protected him from the worst of the blast, but he hadn’t been able to find Merri, Sonja or Chris.

“King!” He heard yelled, and looking up he saw her, waving through the crowd. She sounded tired, but he was glad that she’d broken through the cacophony around them. It was so loud he’d thought he’d never find her. Or either of the others. He ran over to her, his eyes totally focused on her. 

She looked alright, it certainly didn’t look like she’d almost been blown up an hour earlier. He couldn’t help but wrap his arms around her, and taking the opportunity he kissed her as hard as he could. The first time they’d kissed in public. He then heard a cough and turned around to see Chris sat up in the bed with a breathing treatment, Sonja sat beside him with a dozen cuts and bruises, but neither of them looking so bad.

“You’re all OK?” He asked, but he only had eyes for her. Merri was the one he’d worried about the most, and right now he knew that that meant he was serious. All he could think about now was how much time he was going to dedicate to her.


	134. Chapter 134

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set just after 1x06

_ And the room feels so empty _ _   
_ _ Where my pictures used to be _ _   
_ _ And I can’t say that I blame you _ _   
_ _ But you can’t blame me _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause nothing’s worth losing _ _   
_ _ Especially the chance to make it right _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_When We Die” by Bowling For Soup_ **

He walked into the house and it hurt to see that she’d taken down all of the pictures, all of the happy memories they’d made through all of the years they’d been together. Of course they had all needed to come down, that was part of separating the assets in a divorce, but he still felt like the room was empty now they weren’t there. This was no longer home, it was just a house.

The truth was that he couldn’t blame her, not really. For the last week he’d tried to get it together to blame her, to be angry at her about all of this. He was desperate to feel something other than sadness and disappointment. He couldn’t though, he understood why she felt the way that she did, and at the same time he wished that she didn’t feel that way. It wasn’t going to change no matter what he did.

She tried to blame him for this, and he wasn’t really happy with that either. None of this was his fault, all he’d done was his job. She was the one who had developed issues with it, and he really didn’t blame her for that, he had a dangerous job, but he wasn’t going to let the dangers dictate his life. If she needed to go on alone to get away from that, then he wasn’t going to begrudge her what happiness she could find.

He’d thought there was a chance to make it right, that had been his thought. After Halloween and everything that had happened, but now he knew there was no going back. So he’d return to work, try and move on with his life. Try to get past all of this, he’d gotten more than 20 happy years and a beautiful daughter as repayment, and he would never lose that.


	135. Chapter 135

_ Here’s to us, here’s to love _ _   
_ _ All the times that we fucked up _ _   
_ _ Here’s to you fill the glass _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause the last few nights have kicked my ass _ _   
_ _ If they give you hell, tell ‘em go fuck themselves _ _   
_ _ Here’s to us _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Here’s To Us” by Halestorm_ **

They were the only ones left in the bar. A few hours earlier their whole team had been there, celebrating that they were back together, celebrating that they were happy and healthy, celebrating that they’d survived the last month and that they’d kept the city safe. Then slowly, one by one, people had drifted off. Going home, going to other parties or engagements, yet through the whole night the two of them had just sat there next to each other, nursing their drinks out of a pitcher that had long since melted the ice inside it.

Every toast had gotten more personal, every topic of conversation had drifted further from ‘friendly co-workers’ and closer to people who had a deeper connection. They had spent a lot of time talking over the last couple of weeks. He’d called her a couple of times a day, she’d talked herself out of a so many thoughts through their conversations. Since they’d gotten home, their nightly chats had helped her centre herself, and they’d helped him move passed the sins of the past. 

“Top me up.” He smiled, and she just filled his glass half up, before emptying what was left into her glass. Neither of them took long before finishing their drinks, and she could feel the change in the atmosphere. She hadn’t even thought before she’d leant to join him in a deep and passionate kiss. A few seconds, or hours, later they pulled back, his hand on her cheek as they joined eye contact again. “Would you like another drink?” He asked quietly and she just shook her head instead.

The last few days, the last few weeks, they’d kicked her ass. Both literally and figuratively, but this was something she felt had been building up for far longer than just the last few weeks. This had been building for months, and maybe it had just taken a night like this to actually kickstart it. Instead of going for another drink she went and got her jacket, then motioned for him to follow her. They needed to continue this conversation, and they needed to do it away from work, even if it was just the bar.

Her place was nearby, and they could spend the night talking. This was for them, and if anyone gave her hell about this, she wasn’t going to hesitate to tell them to back off in the most emphatic terms. He was everything that she needed, and she was going to stop running away from that. 


	136. Chapter 136

_ What happened to the someday, what happened to the dreams of a wide-eyed kid _ _   
_ _ Don’t tell me that it’s too late, don’t tell me that I can’t ‘cause you never did _ _   
_ _ I’m sitting in the same spot counting every tick tock _ _   
_ _ Gotta hit the punch clock, when’s it gonna stop _ _   
_ _ Another day in black and white, I gotta quit this ordinary life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ordinary Life” by Simple Plan_ **

Once upon a time she’d had a dream. This had never been it. Her dream had always been something noble, something that sparked her love and dedication every day. When she was younger she’d always dreamed that someday she’d be changing the world, she’d never thought that her career would stomp her down the way that this had. She was fighting herself out of that.

There was that part of her, the part that was telling her that it was too late for her to change her career. That people would always associate her with the  _ Moultrie _ or Russo. The part that told her that she’d never been able to focus on her career that way, never been able to be the best agent she could be, the best person.


	137. Chapter 137

_ Last night I knew what to say _ _   
_ _ But you weren’t there to hear it _ _   
_ _ These lines, so we'll rehearsed _ _   
_ _ Tongue tied and overloaded _ _   
_ _ You’ll never notice _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”About A Girl” by The Academy Is_ **

He’d wanted to tell her how amazingly fascinating he found her, he wanted to tell her how much he respected her, how much he wished that he could tell her exactly how he felt about her, even though he knew she didn’t feel the same for him.

The truth was, she was in love with someone else. He’d known that before this situation, and he was even more sure of it now, but that hadn’t stopped him wanting to be honest with her. 

She hadn’t been there though, she’d left, so even though he’d mentally rehearsed what he wanted to say, how he wanted to say it, he thought this was a sign from the universe that it was a very bad idea. Really one of the worst possible idea he could have had.

So he was just going to get past it and leave it to lie. He’d get over it eventually.


	138. Chapter 138

_ Thoughts are racing  _ _   
_ _ Am I alone in wondering what the night holds _ _   
_ _ Will we finally give in to urges kept in _ _   
_ _ Is it really that scary to fall in love? _ _   
_ _ If you ask me I can’t get enough _ _   
_ _ The way my heart stops dead, as we crawl into bed _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Slow Me Down” by 3PM_ **

Months of build up had brought them to this point, and he couldn’t slow his thought process down. He was stuck between a million thoughts, and a million desires. All he could really, truly focus on was that the woman he had slowly fallen in love with over the last two years was lying naked on his bed. He would never, ever get enough of that sight, and his heart was pounding, harder and faster as he quickly went to join her.

He had never really expected they would get to this point, giving in to everything that had been building up between them. Sometimes he’d felt like they’d waited too long. She’d find someone else or this would be awkward, but maybe they’d waited just long enough. Long enough that they actually stood a chance at making something long-lasting out of this.

Fear was something that had prevented him falling in love. For the most part he’d been scared that she’d find some reason to leave him if he let her see who he truly was. He’d clearly been wrong about that, as she’d seen him all along anyway, and she’d loved him just the same. 


	139. Chapter 139

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is sad, and it's a kind of alternate ending for a fic I haven't finished writing

_ Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her _ _   
_ _ I’d give up all the world to see _ _   
_ _ That little piece of heaven looking back at me _ _   
_ _ Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her _ _   
_ _ I’ve gotta live with the choices I made _ _   
_ _ And I can’t live with myself today _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Lucy” by Skillet_ **

Why couldn’t he have saved her. She’d been right there and he hadn’t been able to save her. She had been crying for him, crying for her mom and her dad too. She’d been crying for really everyone. He’d watched as the little girl had died in her mom’s arms.

That would have been tragic on an average case. It would have been tragic if the child who had died hadn’t been his pseudo-niece. But it was even worse knowing that her parents were his friends, that they were now missing this huge part of their lives.

It had been six months, and their team was still suffering. Brody couldn’t hide the change, the puffy eyes and the red face she’d have multiple times on every case. The tears she shedded with the parents of victims.

James he hadn’t even seen since the funeral. He was fairly sure the other man was avoiding him, needing someone to blame. That was fair too, because Chris blamed himself. He couldn’t live with the fact he hadn’t been thirty seconds earlier.

That bullet should never have landed in his Miss Millie. It should have been his.


	140. Chapter 140

_ I saw your picture in the local paper _ _   
_ _ Cut it out gonna keep it forever _ _   
_ _ Pay you homage girl it's long overdue _ _   
_ _ I'd build a shrine with my bare hands for you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Why Do I Always Want You” by The Saw Doctors_ **

“DADDY!” There was no better sound to hear after a month away than your six year old shouting for you, and it made James smile as he bent down to pick his little girl up. It seemed like she’d grown in a month, was that possible? 

“Hey princess, where’s mummy?” He couldn’t see his wife anywhere in the vicinity, but he was sure she had to be around somewhere for Millie to have come running at him.

“I’m not a princess daddy!” Millie demanded, pointing in the direction she’d come from. After a few steps he saw his wife, and couldn’t help but start smiling wider. His family was all back together.

“You’re not?” He asked, holding her a little tighter as they squeezed through a crowd of people. He was happy that Millie had just settled to laying on his shoulder now he’d picked her up.

“No. I’m a Starfleet Captain.” Those were two words he’d never thought he’d hear out of his daughter’s mouth, catching up with Merri he wrapped an arm around her and leant in to give her a gentle kiss, one that was rapidly interrupted. “Eww don’t kiss.”

“Has she been spending time with Sebastian again?” He asked instead of any other greeting, sure he’d get time tonight after the little captain was in bed. 

“Someone has to babysit while you’re out of town. The pictures of Scottie in Vulcan ears was done without my consent though.” He narrowed his eyes slightly and looked at her, not entirely sure if she was being serious or not.

“Daddy, daddy. Scottie is a alien.” Millie sounded far happier about that than he would have thought.

“Well, I’ve said that since we got him but, you know, someone has to claim him.” He teased, kissing Merri’s cheek as they walked. Considering she’d never wanted kids, he’d been surprised they had Millie, let alone added Scottie.

“Behave.” She then dug into the pocket on the outside of the sling he was assuming their son was asleep in and held them up so he could see. “Hey I cut these out for you, Millie was in the newspaper with her school. You should see the shrine she has to you in her bedroom. She gets Patton to get screenshots of you whenever you’re on TV for her.” At that he turned and kissed Millie’s forehead. “She misses her daddy.”

“Well. I’m home for good this time, I promise.” He could say that for sure. He couldn’t be away anymore, it wasn’t worth it. “No more trips away.”

“Good, this Captain needs her daddy.” Millie yawned, and James just smiled and kissed her forehead again. Their family was a little nuts, but he wouldn’t change it at all. 


	141. Chapter 141

_I see you standing here but you're so far away_  
Starving for your attention you don't even know my name  
You're going through so much but I know that I  
Could be the one to hold you  
\-- **“Yours To Hold” by Skillet**

Women like her didn’t fall for guys like him. That wasn’t the way of the world, but it hadn’t stopped him falling head over heels for her. He knew that was a bad idea, and it was going to end in heartbreak, but it happened without his consent. One day he’d just been totally smitten and he had no idea how.

He just wanted her attention, wanted for her to notice him, but she didn’t. Not the way he wanted. All he was to her was a friend, nothing more. For a long time he’d thought that he could live with that but more and more he didn’t know. This crush wasn’t fading.

She had been through so much lately, and he wanted to be the one who was there for her. But she was leaning on another, their mutual friend, and their friend deserved happiness too. Everyone had been in so much pain, and he’d rather his friends be happy.

Always he could be the one there for her, but she’d never think of him that way. He just needed to live with that.


	142. Chapter 142

_Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts_  
And we've got to find other ways, to make it alone and keep a straight face  
And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance  
Up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness  
Because none of it was ever worth the risk  
\-- **”The Only Exception” by Paramore**

How people could claim they had been in love a lifetime Merri would never understand. It was just an idea that seemed completely foreign to her. Love didn’t last for her. She would have a few months or years, normally, then it would fade or she’d fuck it up. That was always the way it went. Always. It was how she was built. She was built to fuck things up.

So she’d learnt ways to do things alone. She didn’t really feel lonely anymore, not really. She surrounded herself with friends, and they became her family. She was soon happy with them and knew that, no matter what, they would be there to help and protect her when and if she needed it.

That was the way she’d been since Emily had died. It was the easiest way for her to take things, really. To live like she was never going to connect with someone closely enough to let them all the way in, so she kept that distance from all those people, everyone she got to know. She didn’t want to hurt anyone else.

James had been the exception, or so she’d thought. She had believed wholeheartedly that he had been the only person who would ever get her enough to be let all the way in. Then she’d come to New Orleans, and Dwayne Pride had become her friend. Somehow he had managed to get through all of her defences, and now she wasn’t sure that she could manage without him.

He’d swiftly become her closest friend and confidante, they spent so much time together, as partners and friends, that she couldn’t avoid it. But she hadn’t been sure it was worth the risk, not until now. He had convinced her, and she was ready to let him in. They could always face the consequences... together.


	143. Chapter 143

_This isn't goodbye, even as I watch you leave_  
This isn't goodbye, I swear I won't cry  
Even as tears fill my eyes, I swear I won't cry  
Any other girl I'd let you walk away  
Any other girl I'm sure I'd be OK  
\-- **”What Makes A Man” by Westlife**

The airport was busy, and his flight was leaving soon, but he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to wake up in the morning and not have his fiancée beside him. They’d had a rough time since Emily had died, but they could get through it, he was sure. “Meredith.”

“Yeah?” She asked, stopping just before stepping into the doors, and he stayed back a few steps before grabbing her hand and pulling her a little out of the throng of people trying to get in.

“I’ll see you soon.” He promised, and felt the ball in the back of his throat building up again. He wasn’t sure if Merri had already detached or if she was just pretending not to care, but either way he felt she wasn’t as upset about this as he was.

“I know you will J. I’ll be OK, one day.” She was still flat, sullen and broken. How he wished he could help her heal. Be there for her when she needed the support. But she hadn’t let him in, and he wasn’t sure he had the fight.

“Call me when that day comes, yeah?” That was the most painful sentence he’d ever said. He didn’t want to imagine a world where he wouldn’t be coming home to Meredith. Where he wouldn’t have her there at the end of his assignment. He couldn’t picture it.

“I promise.” The look she gave him with those two words showed him exactly how much she was truly hurting right now. She wanted him to stay, he wanted to stay... But he needed her to say it. He needed her to say that he should stay.

“Look. I can’t lose you, MB. I can lose everything else in my life, but not you.” He would beg if needed, but he couldn’t say goodbye. He was on the verge of tears but he still needed her to say it. “Say the word, right now, and I won’t go to Afghanistan...”

“It’s your job J. It’s important.” She shook her head, and he knew that, but he also knew that it wasn’t the most important thing in his life. She was.

“You’re more important.” Those three words were the truth, and they were something he didn’t think he’d ever actually told her before.

“Then stay. Marry me today.” He never would have expected for her to be the one to suggest that, but he wasn’t going to say no. He’d wanted her to marry him for months, but she’d been stalling. He’d do it in an instant.

“I can do that.” He smiled then pulled her into his arms. Burying his head in her neck for a moment he just took a deep breath and blinked back the tears again. He couldn’t leave her, and he knew this was the right thing to do. Maybe this assignment could have been the opportunity of a lifetime, so was the one he was embracing, and Meredith meant a whole lot more.


	144. Chapter 144

_'Cause every time I ran, I ran to you_  
I meant it every time I said I loved you  
I kissed the thought of you and I  
I still regret the day we said goodbye  
\-- **”The Other Side” by Tonight Alive**

Whenever they got together now they ended up laid in bed together, and it was where they were most likely to talk honestly. Right now all Merri could think about was how much she regretted their break-up. They weren’t even officially back together, but they were moving forward, and she hadn’t really told him about her regrets. “I still regret our break-up, you know.”

“I do too.” That was less surprising, given that he had often tried to get then back together, even long before this. “You were my safety net MB, you still are.” That was something he’d never said before, and she didn’t quite understand what he was saying. “If something goes wrong on an assignment... I figure it out by thinking about how you’d cope with it.” He explained, clearly seeing the look on her face. It made sense.

“I still mean it when I say that I love you J.” She knew that it was very easy for people to misunderstand what she was thinking because she didn’t say it often, but she wanted to let him know that she did, and he just leant over to kiss her softly, showing that it was very mutual. “I used to imagine what it would be like if we got back together.”

“Was it good?” He asked quietly, and all Merri could do was nod. It had always been good in her mind. They always had that connection, and she couldn’t really imagine her life without it anymore. But that didn’t mean it was something they should do.

“Always. But it’s a fantasy, right?” She just had to see where he was on that thought. She wasn’t sure that he would be interested in trying again, but there was always that outside chance. There was always a chance.

“Maybe we should try?” The pause before he spoke had made her panic, but his answer actually made her happy. Maybe they could start building toward something permanent again. That would be what she wanted, if it was at all possible.

“Maybe we should.” She smiled at that, then just started settling herself down. They could work out what they were to each other in the morning, right now she needed to sleep, and think about whether this was actually what she wanted. She was pretty sure though, she loved him. That was what mattered.


	145. Chapter 145

_Don’t look too hard for what you want_  
‘Cause it could be on the tip of your tongue  
You’re holding back like there’s nothing left to it  
Could this be a false alarm  
\-- **”Failure’s Not Flattering” by New Found Glory**

There was a common thought that the thing you wanted most would be right there in front of you, if you just slowed down long enough to see it. Merri had been searching for something or someone to complete her, someone to make her feel less like she was facing the universe alone. She hadn’t found what she’d been looking for, she thought she never would. She’d told him all that.

He’d wanted to tell her to wait. That the thing you most wanted was often something tangible, something that you could already see or feel or taste or touch. It was already in reach. She hadn’t seemed to pay attention to him when he tried, but she had stopped partying, she’d stopped punishing herself. She’d stopped making things harder.

She was still holding back though, and he knew it. It was second nature to her to hide, to deflect, to protect herself. The less she let people in, the less it could hurt her, or anyone else, when they were in trouble. If nobody was close to her, she couldn’t hurt anyone. He knew that was her logic. He also knew that she was wrong.

This time though, he knew it was the real deal. He’d seen his friends getting close and he couldn’t be happier for them. King needed someone who could love him and, more importantly, understand him. Merri needed someone who wouldn’t judge her. They were the perfect fit for each other, and he was sure it would be a long, loving relationship.


	146. Chapter 146

_So I'm gonna stand here by your fire,_  
'Cause it's a cold one tonight.  
I'm taking care of soulfight,  
And you're the reason why.  
\-- **”Soulfight” by The Revivalists**

He felt cold tonight, maybe it was just because of the fake snow, or maybe it was something to do with the fact that he wasn’t used to being so far north. But he’d agreed he’d come with her as she worked this out.

She was so angry it was like a fire though, and he was sure if they could harness it they would easily be able to heat an entire city for the winter. But that wasn’t all that surprising. She could be a hothead when she was mad. That was probably his fault.

This was like a fight for her soul, or within her soul, and he would take it on because she was worth it. She was the reason why he fought most of the time, there was no reason why he shouldn’t keep doing that.


	147. Chapter 147

_Grit your teeth, pull your hair_  
Paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world  
'Cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back"  
And never for a second blame yourself  
\-- **”Missing You” by All Time Low**

Pride couldn’t be prouder to be witnessing this change in Meredith Brody. She’d been coming into herself more the months since the closing of Emily’s case and then he issues with Russo. He knew that it wasn’t easy for her, but she was doing amazingly.

She’d pulled her hair up, set her jaw and told the universe to go to hell. He and Loretta had been trying to push her into actually reclaiming her life. It wasn’t bad that she was living on, and that was something that she’d needed to realise too. So with everything it was nice that she was taking it all on again.

Most of all he was proud to see her stop blaming herself. He had to keep reminding her that nobody else blamed her. If this was the start of the rest of her life he knew it would be perfect for her, and she wouldn’t regret it either.


	148. Chapter 148

_Making my way through the storm_  
This beating heart has never been so worn  
Hanging roses around my neck  
‘Cause in this life we’ll never know what to expect  
Yeah we’re acting like fools  
Not too concerned with what we’ll do  
\-- **”Dear Love” by Lauren Marsh**

It was hard to keep battling through these storms, these downpours. It was one after another and Merri really wasn’t entirely sure how many she was expected to withstand. She was getting worn down and it was making life exhausting.

The one thing that was becoming obvious was that, while she couldn’t know exactly what to expect she should always expect that it would go to hell. No matter what it was it would all go to hell in the end.

So her way of dealing with that thought was to act like an idiot, to be impulsive, to be reckless. This time though, she had someone there wither her to keep her safe. Someone being a fool alongside her, and a ring on her finger that she’d thought she’d never actually have.

What happened next was a problem for the future. Right now she was just going to be happy with where she was.


	149. Chapter 149

_Never alone_  
When your hope has been broken  
And the fear is unspoken but true  
You’re never alone  
Like a dream in a child  
Or a childish dream in you  
I’ll do anything that I can do  
To show you my love and comfort you  
\-- **”Never Alone” by Jesse Bonanno**

He’d woken up in the middle of the night, and he hadn’t known why. He’d been staying with Brody for a while, ever since she’d confided in him that her PTSD had reared it’s head since everything had happened with Russo. Almost every time he’d woken up the last few days had been because she’d needed him in the other room, and he was assuming that was it this time too. Stopping in the doorway and seeing her tossing and turning again he knew he was right. “I’m here Merri.” He said quietly, climbing onto the bed and pulling her into his arms for a moment.

“How did you know?” She asked, just as she asked every time. He kept hold of her a while longer before replying. He wanted to make sure that her shakes had passed, that she was fully in control. He knew that this was something that would never fully leave her, but he would be there to help her fight it. He’d be there to make sure that she was safe and happy. He wasn’t going to leave her alone.

“I know you.” He ended up answering quietly. Not sure how else he could explain it. He just woke up when she needed him. As they laid down together, Merri wrapping herself around him as she nearly always did after a nightmare, or whatever else it was that was haunting her, he asked the one question he always asked. So far he hadn’t been given an answer, but maybe today would be different. “What do you need to me to do?”

“Stay.” She said simply, and he knew instantly what she meant. She didn’t want him to go back to his room. She didn’t want him to go back to the office. She didn’t want for him to leave. Pride could accept that, and he’d make sure she knew that she was never alone. He would always be right there when she needed him. Even if she never asked. He wanted to be there, so he’d stay.


	150. Chapter 150

_Cause the hardest part is holding on,_  
When everything has come undone  
Yeah everybody needs someone  
So when you gonna come lift me up?  
When you gonna come lift me up?  
Don’t let me go.  
\-- **”Don’t Let Me Go” by The Summer Set**

He wasn’t sure he was able to hold on any longer, he just thought that it was going to be too hard to keep on top of everything now. He was too angry, too afraid, too stressed. There were good reasons to keep it going, but he wasn’t sure that he could anymore.

Nothing was going right, but he’d managed to hold it together for everyone else. Now though it was crashing down around him and he didn’t think he had the energy to make it go right.

Everyone needed someone, and he was happy to be that person for his friends. He didn’t know who it was for him. That was a problem, because he needed someone and he just wasn’t sure.

“Let me save you this time. I’ve got you.” The voice said, and it was familiar and comforting. The arms that wrapped around him helped too. All he could think was that he needed for them to not let him go. He wasn’t sure how he could lift up otherwise.


	151. Chapter 151

_Hold me together when I feel like I might fall apart._  
Promise you'll never lose the pieces of my fragile heart,  
And if it breaks will you rebuild it better than the start?  
Just promise me.  
\-- **”All I Need” by Courage My Love**

They were much better at holding things together when it was the two of them than they ever had been apart. Neither of them had been that great at holding things together alone, but they were champions at hiding it from others. They could hold each other together, and that was something important when they were in their profession.

Both of them were broken and battered in different ways. They were holding pieces of themselves, and it was too easy to lose pieces of themselves. If they shared it between them though, it was easier to find them all again.

Slowly, they were rebuilding each other, and that was making them both better than they had originally been. Better people, better friends, and something more. He didn’t know what yet, and he doubted that she knew any more than he did.

All he could really do was promise that he would do this for as long as he was physically able to. He would always promise her that too. They both needed this to keep going, and he would do all in his power that he could.


	152. Chapter 152

_Did you know how you would move me, did you know?_  
Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don’t even think so.  
But the moment's magic swept us away  
And it’s so close, but we’re so far away.  
It’s so close, but we’re so far away.  
\-- **”We’re So Far Away” by Mae**

Something had changed recently, and she honestly doubted that anyone knew right now how hard it had been for them to get to this point without giving in. Getting closer was all they could do in this moment.

They were stood looking at each other, and as his hand went to her cheek, and they leant together, being swept along in the moment. One of the things they both wanted but had been pulling away from. Maybe this was what would be best. Getting pulled along with the magic of a silent moment.

“Hey, we need you.” Came a voice from the doorway, and she opened her eyes and groaned a little. Meeting the gaze of her partner she just smiled a little apologetically. Knowing that they both needed to move on, but they were distracted, again.

Everything they both wanted was right there, right in front of them. She could see it, and she knew that it was within their reach. But it still felt like they were all too far away. She wished they were closer, but they’d get there before long. Another moment would happen, and it would be perfect.


	153. Chapter 153

_This dependency_  
Will shatter me  
Bitter, broken me  
If you’re the rain  
I’m a window pane  
The one you touch before  
You leave another day  
\-- **”Bitter, Broken Me” by As It Is**

When had she fallen into this situation. When had she become dependent on self destruction. It wasn’t how she normally felt, and it definitely wasn’t what she’d normally do. However it seemed like she was going that way.

If she was suicidal it would make more sense, but she didn’t want to kill herself, she just wanted to punish herself. She was broken and damaged, and she was bitter at the whole universe. It was likely all her own fault too.

People saw through her, and the only ones who made any sort of impression were temporary, that was how it felt. Everyone touched her life for a moment then left her ll alone.

Maybe that was why she was here, even thought her inner voice was telling her it was a bad idea. What was the worst that could happen, really?


	154. Chapter 154

_ You sure are cute and I can tell you probably mean well but oh…  _ _   
_ _ You don’t have a clue you’re swimming in a love spell _ _   
_ _ If you want the truth I’ll tell you in a nutshell _ _   
_ _ You’ve still got a lot to learn about love _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”A Lot To Learn” by Copperlilly_ **

For some reason she’d attracted herself a guy with a crush. She really didn’t know what to say to him, because they were friends and it would be too awkward if she brought it up in front of others. Yet at the same time she was worried about saying anything at all. She didn’t want him to think that he ever stood a chance, but that seemed mean. He could surely have the hope but know it was never going to change. 

He was cute, and he genuinely cared about her… but at the same time he really didn’t have a clue about her, and if he knew a little more about her he’d run for the hills. There weren’t many people on the planet who could actually handle her, and her friend really wasn’t one of them. She was a mess in more ways than one, and it was an unfortunate situation.

Their friends had actually had to point it out to her, and that was part of how she knew this was a non-starter. If she needed to tell him something she’d tell the truth… He needed to learn a lot more about love before he’d have even had a chance. He needed to wait for someone who would be perfect for him, and that definitely wasn’t her.


	155. Chapter 155

_ Oh, Clouds of time _ _   
_ _ Seem to rain on  _ _   
_ _ Innocence left behind _ _   
_ _ It never goes away _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?” by The Offspring_ **

At what point had she lost all of her innocence. It had happened at some point, but she didn’t know when. The daughter of a federal agent never really stood a chance to be the most normal kid, and while her dad had tried to protect her, there were still things that she’d learnt. By the time she’d been attacked a couple of months earlier she’d known she couldn’t always depend on others, she needed to be able to defend and fight for herself. Her dad had instilled that in her from a very young age.

She looked up to Sonja and Merri, but she could see how much their job affected them. Merri more so than Sonja, maybe because she knew Merri better. She had learnt most of what had happened before her dad had taken his grand tour, and that had made her worried about someone she considered a friend. 

Once back in New Orleans she’d been at the office, and only she and Merri were there. Laurel might not have had much to offer, but she did know how to make a bomb-ass hot chocolate, making a couple she then just walked through to Merri’s newly restored desk and put the mug down and smiled. She wasn’t going to push, but she wanted to let her know that everyone was there for her. 

Losing innocence may have been inevitable for all of them, but Laurel still clung on to the last little bits, and if all she could do to help Merri restore some of hers was giving her bomb-ass hot chocolate then that’s what she’d do.


	156. Chapter 156

_ My concrete’s set, it’s permanent _ _   
_ _ I’m stuck this way, no I can never change _ _   
_ _ No I can’t stop if all I’ve got _ _   
_ _ Is an empty heart full of broken parts _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Concrete” by As It Is_ **

She was immoveable, that had become obvious to everyone else around, and in reality Merri didn’t mind that. Trying to change her ways had just caused my trouble, and it felt like she was full of cracks and breaks. Like a house with subsidence. She was set in her ways, set in who she was. The truth was that who she was was a damned mess with an ability to hide it.

This place had given her the safe space she needed to try and expand, try and grow, but it had almost led to disaster. She knew that it wasn’t really her fault, that Russo’s plan had been in play far longer than she’d knew he existed, but at the same time she blamed herself. She got too close and she wasn’t going to let that happen again. She couldn’t.

Once upon a time she hadn’t felt like this. The world had been more open to her, and she’d never felt like she was incomplete. She’d felt incomplete since Emily had died, and that was something that she was never going to get over. She was never going to get to see her sister again. That had started her on this slide.

Now she went from one terrible relationship to another, meeting up with James between them to commiserate. Then there was her career, which was about the only stable thing in her life, but with the investigation into their team ongoing she knew that there was a chance that wasn’t always going to be true.

She couldn’t stop though, because this was all she had. This place, these people… and a heart that couldn’t keep anyone else in. It had shattered, and she was just full of broken parts. Whatever she did she was stuck like this. Even it she wanted to change she couldn’t. It was high time she faced facts.


	157. Chapter 157

_ But I thought that I should tell you _ _   
_ _ If it’s not too late to say _ _   
_ _ I could put back all the pieces _ _   
_ _ They just might not fit the same _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When We Die” by Bowling For Soup_ **

“Come on, let me take you home.” Pride whispered into Brody’s ear. The noise in the bar didn’t really make that necessary, but he knew that she wouldn’t want anyone to know that she was having a problem. It didn’t seem like anyone else had noticed, and that wasn’t all that surprising. Brody was his partner, and he spent more time with her than anyone else.

Pulling her up and out the door he just wrapped an arm around her shoulders, feeling her relaxing into him as he did. Pride had picked up on some signs that she had PTSD, and he wasn’t sure if it was a historical thing, related to a past case or even all the way back to the  _ Moultrie _ . All he knew was that what had happened with Russo had reopened old wounds.

“I’m broken, King.” Was all she said as they walked along toward her home. The walk being reinvigorating for the both of them. He had needed it, and he didn’t have to struggle with a messed up psyche. It didn’t change his opinion on Brody, and it never would, but he knew that she would consider it a failing.

It was something that helped her connect with their suspects, it was something that made her seem more open, more understanding. She was often the ‘good cop’ in their situations, and her natural compassion on top of everything she’d been through had always made her the natural choice for who she was and what she did.

“I won’t let you fall, Merri. We’ll put it back together.” He could promise her that. They would put everything back together, and it wouldn’t be like the original, but it would be a person they had sculpted together. Brody was one of the most amazing people he’d ever met, so he knew she could do it. He had complete faith in her.


	158. Chapter 158

_ I really need you to trust me now, come a little closer _ _   
_ _ Don’t back down, giving you the most of my love _ _   
_ _ I’m making you the only one, my only one _ _   
_ _ I really need you to trust me now, come a little closer _ _   
_ _ And hear me out, love’s a rollercoaster but this is my vow _ _   
_ _ I’m making you the only one, my only one _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Only One” by Mikey Wax_ **

King had known for a long time that he and Merri were more than friends or colleagues. There was no doubt that they loved each other, and while they weren’t as obvious about their possible relationship as Sonja and Chris, he was fairly sure that the others could figure them out. Standing her though, keeping eye contact with Merri as they discussed their leave he knew what he wanted to do, and he knew it was what she wanted too. They were both pulling away until he reached out and grabbed her hand, keeping her close to him. “Do you trust me, Merri?”

“Of course.” She answered instantly, not pulling her hand away. One of the things that King had learnt about Meredith Brody was that she didn’t like to be touched without permission. Even friendly little actions, they made her uncomfortable. He’d always been exempt from that rule though, and he’d never understood why. Maybe this was why. She had felt differently for him, the same as he had her. Yet they were both still afraid. Someone needed to make the first move, and it was always going to be him.

“Then trust me now.” He whispered quietly then leant in to kiss her. Her lips felt as good as they looked, and he could easily see losing himself in her lips becoming a problem for him. The fact that she kissed him back and pulled him closer to her within moments. He held her close too, kissing her more than once, not wanting this to end.

“I’m scared, King.” Merri murmured when they finally parted, it was almost too quiet for him to hear but he knew what she was saying, he knew that admitting any weakness to anyone was hard for Merri, and he was so proud that she had thought to let him in. “What if I can’t feel the way you do?”

“I’ll be here anyway.” He was going to stay around and wait or her to be ready for whatever they could possibly become. He was a patient man, and he knew that he wanted Merri, but he could wait as long as she needed him to. He would give her everything he had in him, but he wouldn’t press her until she was ready. “You’re the only one I want, I can wait until you’re ready.”


	159. Chapter 159

_ I love you and everything you do _ _   
_ _ These two words mean what I meant to say with three _ _   
_ _ I love you never felt so smooth _ _   
_ _ And all I can say is I love you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Olive You” by Dave Days ft Kimmi Smiles_ **

It had been months since they’d started sharing occasional kisses in the office, cuddling up together in the bar once others had left, stolen nights in her home that meant more to her than she’d care to admit. Merri wasn’t the person who would verbalise how she felt about someone, however it felt. It was just not something she ever did, and it was hard for her to even imagine it sometimes.

Right now though she’d been using euphamisms and other ways of telling him how she felt, but she knew now that it was time she actually say the three words that terrified her more than any other. She was normally afraid that the person she would say them too was going to leave. King had proven that he wouldn’t though, he’d earnt the truth, and she was going to tell him how she felt.

“I love you.”


	160. Chapter 160

_ Let’s get the TV and the radio _ _   
_ _ To play our tune again _ _   
_ _ It’s ‘but time we got some airplay _ _   
_ _ Of our version of events _ _   
_ _ There’s no need to be afraid _ _   
_ _ I will sing with you my friend _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Read All About It” by Emeli Sande_ **

The reports on the TV were damning, and he knew that people were blaming his team for it, but they had all said they hadn’t done it. He also felt bad for Merri, with her connection to her ex, a journalist, she was getting even more scrutiny than the rest of them. Everyone thought they were guilty.

Now though, it was obvious that this wasn’t them. They had been cleared, their team had saved the city and possibly more, yet they were still under investigation. They were still all struggling with what had happened, and he wanted them to get the praise and thanks they all deserved, instead people were trying to drag them down.

Standing in the bar with his team he could promise them that there was no need to be afraid. He would be right there with them, whatever happened. He couldn’t let them fail, and he couldn’t leave them alone to do it either.

They would make it through, they would have their heads held high until they were once again cleared, because there was nothing wrong with what they were doing. Sure they weren’t the most conventional team, but nothing about him was conventional. Eventually people would see that this was all they neede


	161. Chapter 161

_ It'll wear you down and wear you down _ _   
_ _ You chase it breathing in and out and in and out _ _   
_ _ Push you up against the wall, against the wall _ _   
_ _ You didn't think you'd feel it all but you were wrong about it _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Push” by Marianas Trench_ **

She was tired, so tired.

She was broken, so broken.

She was hurt, so hurt.

She was dangerous, so dangerous.

They were the four things she thought about herself. Tired, broken, hurt and dangerous. Like a wild animal about to pounce she was pushed into a corner. This was where she did her best work, when she was under pressure. 

The problem was that pressure wore you down after a while, and you couldn’t run forever. Chasing it, focusing on her breathing, it was all she could do. Reminding herself to keep breathing, to keep processing air. It was everything.

She didn’t think she’d ever feel part of a family again, but she’d been proven wrong. That was the best thing about all of this. She was wrong about so much, and that was OK. She would be happy to be wrong. Because this place was perfect.


	162. Chapter 162

_ Don't waste your time on me _ _   
_ _ You're already the voice inside my head _ _   
_ _ I miss you, I miss you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Miss You” by Blink 182_ **

Everyone was fussing about her, but Merri just wanted to get away. This was not what she’d wanted today of all days. She just wanted to be left alone. Ten years, it was ten years. Her sister had been killed in a terrible way ten years ago, and it had all been down to a family friend.

She wondered if it had always been like this, or if her detachment had built up over the years, right now it could go either way, and she really wasn’t sure which way it was going to fall. At least here she was among friends. Among family. Thinking about it all her door opened and slammed, and as she was wont to do, she just shook her head and frowned a little. “Don’t waste time haunting me Emmie, I know you’re just a voice in my head.”

“I miss you.” She then added in a whisper. Every day was like she broke a little more, like there was a part of her that would be forever missing, forever out of reach. It was too painful to imagine it not being there, but it was too painful to cope with too. She hated this, and she just wanted her sister back.


	163. Chapter 163

_ No I’m not bulletproof but _ _   
_ _ See I can take your cheap shots ‘cause I’ve been through a whole lot more _ _   
_ _ And I know a good thing _ _   
_ _ And I’m not letting you go, there’s so much that you don’t know _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I’ve Got You” by What’s Eating Gilbert_ **

Another injury was proving that he wasn’t bulletproof, but he had a reason to get home. Three of them in fact. He could take all the shots levelled at him because he always would have been through worse. This was barely even a graze, but of course protocol dictated he go to the hospital to get checked over. He got home and walked through the door, looking to see where his partner and kids were. “Chris said you’d been shot, are you alright?”

“I promised you I’d always come home.” He had said that the day the met, then the day they’d started dating, then the day they’d discovered they were going to be parents. He would always come home to his family. He’d promised Linda that, 

“Daddy!” He heard from Matthew, and bending down he picked his son up, followed a second later by his youngest daughter, who he gathered up in his other arm. Kissing the kids he smiled widely knowing they were happy and safe at daycare or with their mother. 

“Merri, let’s get married.” It fell out of his mouth, but he didn’t regret it at all. It felt so natural to say it.  “Soon as we can.”

“We’ve got things pretty good right now Dwayne.” She replied, and he knew they did, but that didn’t stop him wanting more. He loved their children, and he loved her more than anything, but he needed more than this, he needed her to say yes.

“But no matter what, one day we could lose each other, and I want you to be my wife before that ever has a chance at happening.” He reasoned, and he hoped that it would convince her. She reacted better the fewer words he used, and he could understand why. 

“OK then. You have to plan it.” She said and took Emily off of him, blowing a raspberry on their daughter’s cheek as she did. He couldn’t believe his luck that this was his life now. He had a family like this, and he’d made it through everything up until this point.


	164. Chapter 164

_ You see her when you fall asleep _ _   
_ _ But never to touch, no never to keep _ _   
_ _ 'Cause you loved her too much _ _   
_ _ And you dived too deep _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Let Her Go” by Passenger_ **

He couldn’t shake her image from her mind, it was just always there. It was something that he could never imagine losing, yet he had. She’d said they might have had a future and he’d focused so hard on that.

Then she disappeared, when she reappeared she told him she was married and that she was happy. He had known it was possible, even likely, but he still hated it. He hated that she hadn’t waited to see if he wanted all that she did.

Seeing her in the night he knew that part of her would always remain with him, but he couldn’t touch the image, he couldn’t keep it either. All it was was a picture in the back of his mind. Something he couldn’t lose.

He had loved her so much, he had so desperately looked forward to their future, but she’d stolen it away by disappearing. Even coming back wouldn’t solve it now, not if she was married. It hurt, so damn much, but he had to let her go.


	165. Chapter 165

_ I watch you spin around in your highest heels _ _   
_ _ You are the best one of the best ones _ _   
_ _ We all look like we feel _ _   
_ _ You have stolen my heart _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Stolen” by Dashboard Confessional_ **

Standing behind the bar he couldn’t imagine anything more amazing. This was the best time he got to watch her, see her having fun, see her dancing around with everyone. This was their wedding reception, for lack of a better term. It was a year later than they’d intended, but they were having the party now.

Renewing their vows had been Merri’s idea, and it was an idea she’d actually had on their wedding day. She had said in a year, but their first wedding anniversary had been spent on a labour ward. Matthew and Emily arriving the following day. So they’d waited a year, and tomorrow they would be having a smaller party for the twins.

Today though, it was all about them, and it was even better given that they could have their children at the party with them. They were closed to the public tonight, and he was happier to just have their family around him. Their friends, their families, their children. Seeing Merri spinning around while carrying Emily made him the happiest he could remember ever being.

She was one of the best ones, those people who just made life better, and she had stolen his heart four years earlier. He would never regret the day she had joined them, and he’d known instantly that she was going to be important to him. He never would have imagined they’d be celebrating their second wedding anniversary, but they were here, and it was perfect.


	166. Chapter 166

_ All this time spent in vain. Wasted years, wasted gain _ _   
_ _ All is lost, hope remains. And this war’s not over _ _   
_ _ There’s a light, there’s a sun. Taking all shattered ones. _ _   
_ _ To the place we belong. And his love will conquer _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Shattered” by Trading Yesterday_ **

How had she wasted so much time? It felt years, but it had only been a couple of weeks. She’d known there was something,  _ something  _ off about him, but she’d ignored her instincts. He had been too good to be  true, too cocky, too sure. She had known that this wasn’t ever going to end  well, not for her anyway. Something was going to happen and it was going to be awful. Everything that she’d done was going to fall away. Because of this.

It felt like everything was lost, everything was falling away. She still had hope, and faith, however. She still had Dwayne Pride on her side, and the rest of the New Orleans team. That meant that whether or not they won this battle, the war would continue being fought and eventually they would succeed. She truly believed that.

Her team were her bright lights, the sun on the horizon. They were all a little broken, a little unusual, but they had made it not only into a great team, but into a family, and that mattered most to them all. She knew this wasn’t going to be easy for any of them, but it was all they could do.

They had to save the city, and she knew that when that was done they would be able to pick up. Pride would help them through it, just like he always had, and he supported her so much more than anyone else ever had. He loved her, and all of their team, which meant they would do it all for him. They belonged here to do just that.


	167. Chapter 167

_ You can take up all my time 'cause you're the only one _ _   
_ _ That can make a storm cloud break, pulling out the sun _ _   
_ _ And I can't get caught in the rain _ _   
_ _ Can I get your lips to speak my name _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Love Like Woe” by The Ready Set_ **

She was taking up all the time with him and he actually didn’t mind it. Normally he was really bothered when someone was there and wouldn’t leave him alone, but her staying there and keeping him on task actually didn’t bother him. She was the only one he’d ever think that about.

The truth was, she was so much more than that. She made him smile when it seemed like he never would, and she made even the bleakest of situations seem a little less messed up. It all kept him feeling better about their lives, and proved how special she was.

Even when he was at the bottom, all it would take was her saying his name to pull him back and dry him off. It made her happy, and that made him happy. If they were both happy, then he couldn’t think this was wrong.


	168. Chapter 168

_ And I can’t count the times _ _   
_ _ I stayed awake pretending you were mine _ _   
_ _ Now I’m left here with this emptiness inside _ _   
_ _ Why can’t I make you mine _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”My Heart I Surrender” by I Prevail_ **

However many miles were between them she truly wished that she could officially make him hers. Make this relationship official. There were so many stupid rules around this job, and the ones about relationships were always the most stupid. They made the least sense and mostly just made life harder.

She spent the hours she laid in bed awake imagining what it would be like if he was there again. The messages they shared told her that he thought of her at least as much. That was something that she was going to be holding on to, as she desperately wanted for them to get beyond this.

There was this empty feeling when they were apart, and not even being able to officially say they were a couple was killing her inside. She had fallen so deeply in love with him that she didn’t really know how to deal with it. She wasn’t the kind who usually fell for people, and relationships were something she avoided. This had fallen perfectly in her lap.

All she wanted was for them to be able to admit how much they loved and cared for one another. Before long she was going to admit it anyway, even if it meant the liaison across the distance had to be ended. It would be worth it just to be able to publicly acknowledge what they were. It would be worth it.


	169. Chapter 169

_ 'Cause every day I try and forget about you _ _   
_ _ Every day I try _ _   
_ _ And Every day I'd die just to let you know _ _   
_ _ That it's too late _ _   
_ _ And I won't wait for you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Everyday” by Brighter Brightest_ **

She wanted to try and shake off the hold he still had on her. He was dead, she knew he was dead because she killed him, yet he was still there in her mind. It was like she could see him taunting her, laughing at her. Gloating that he’d managed to get to her as much as he had. Every day she tried to forget about him, but it wasn’t happening.

Trying was all she could do. Pride was there with her every step of the way. He saw her at her worst, when all she wanted to do was pitch a fit and scream about how none of this was fair. He also saw her at her best, the times when she was the consummate professional who never let anything rattle her. That was what being partners was though, she knew that.

Some days she wished she’d been able to just arrest him, at least that way she could walk in and tell him that she wasn’t going to wait around for him to get out of her mind. She’d survived the  _ Moultrie _ , she’d survived Emily’s death, she’d make sure that she survived the legacy of John Russo too.


	170. Chapter 170

_ Another turning point a fork stuck in the road _ _   
_ _ Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go _ _   
_ _ So make the best of this test and don’t ask why _ _   
_ _ It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” by Green Day_ **

Where should she go from here. She could stay in New Orleans and try to make a life here, she could go back to Chicago and try and work out where things were going, or she could do something totally different. While she liked exploring, she didn’t have the heart for it right now, but she was also done with Chicago. After 2 years she wanted to leave.

So New Orleans would be perfect, and it was always a dream of hers. To live in New Orleans. Time had clearly decided it was time for her to make this change. After Emily had died, Merri hadn’t really left much up to fate, but this was clearly a chance, it was a time for her to go.

It was going to be a challenge, but she’d make the best of it. She always did. If she needed to move on again, then she would. Right now though, this was going to be home. She could get Logan to ship her things down, and she could make a new life here. It was an adventure.


	171. Chapter 171

_ Like a bad star, I’m falling _ _   
_ _ Faster down to her _ _   
_ _ She’s the only one who knows _ _   
_ _ What it is to burn _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”What It Is To Burn” by Finch_ **

She would know how he felt. Surely she would. She had been beaten and broken in so many ways. Ways that he didn’t even know the full details off. He knew that she was damaged and hurt, but that she pushed it to the back of her mind. He knew all that.

So when he started to fall he knew that she would be the one he should fall too. She could help him, protect him. Ensure that he didn’t break anything or anyone. The heat of his shame was pushing him on further. He didn’t want anyone else to know how he had fallen.

Of all the people he knew, she was the only one who knew this burning, the only one who could empathise and not be talking bullshit. He hoped that she would be willing to help him. He would beg if he needed to. He just needed her to tell him that it would all be OK.


	172. Chapter 172

_Would you believe if I said I was sorry_ _  
_ _The question wasn’t meant to hurt, it was just my fear of losing you_ _  
_ _And now you’re filling all the space that surrounds you_ _  
_ _I’ll soon be tucked away underneath your bed_ _  
_ _Where you gave yourself to me, and I gave myself to you_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Between You and I” by Every Avenue_ **

Saying sorry was one of the things he was worst at. He tried his hardest, but he normally but his foot in his mouth somehow. He didn’t always know how, but he did. Today he had done it in a big way, and it was obvious that she was hurt and upset. This was the opposite of what he wanted, but he was a self-fulfilling prophecy of hate and self-doubt.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She didn’t seem like she believed him, and that was the sign of all the issues between the two of them. They didn’t believe each other, they didn’t listen to each other but, most telling of all. They hurt each other and never knew how to fix it.

“Well you did. I’ll see you around.”

He’d only said what he did because he was afraid of losing her. Now she’d walked away, and knowing her she would tuck him away in a memory she never needed to access again. Hidden away from where they had given themselves over to one another. She wouldn’t let him live like this, and neither of them deserved it.


	173. Chapter 173

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually based on something from Chicago Fire, but it fits in with my fic "Blood On Your Hands"

_ Take care of yourself _ _   
_ _ But carry the whole world _ _   
_ _ Just forget that it hurts _ _   
_ _ From ankle to collarbone _ _   
_ _ And you think _ _   
_ _ And you bury your head away _ _   
_ _ And you sink _ _   
_ _ It’s just you, the room and the devil on your shoulder _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”You, The Room & The Devil on your Shoulder” by As It Is_ **

She looked down at the words she’d written on the paper and hoped that the person receiving it would understand exactly how hard those words had been to write. All she wanted was the best for them, hoping that they would take care of themselves, and everyone else around.

She couldn’t do it anymore. Feeling like she was carrying the weight of the world. Even her best hadn’t been good enough, and now everything hurt. Every bit of her body, every thought in her head. 

So she thought that this was going to be the easiest way for her to get it all over with. She couldn’t keep burying things and pretending that her life was OK. Her life wasn’t OK, it was the opposite of OK. 

Right now, the little devil on her shoulder was spurring her on, but she knew it was the right thing when the little angel agreed. It was the only way she could get past this.


	174. Chapter 174

_ It’s a beautiful night and I’m opened up _ _   
_ _ The look in your eyes says so much _ _   
_ _ Nothing can touch us out here _ _   
_ _ Don’t know where we are but I know I see _ _   
_ _ A beautiful girl walking next to me _ _   
_ _ I need to hold you, my dear _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight , I Love You” by The Latency_ **

He couldn't really imagine that this was his actual life right now. Walking along the beach in the dark with the woman he was willing to believe was the love of his life. Certainly that was the way to evidence led him to believe. She was more open with him than she was almost anyone else, because he just understood her.

She was looking at him with so much love and devotion he was almost uncomfortable, but he knew that this was her way of showing him that she cared, she wasn’t the kind who used words, but he knew what she was trying to tell him anyway.

He had no idea how far they’d walked or where they were now, but he didn't care. as long as she was with him he knew he’d be fine. He had this beautiful woman he loved more than life itself walking along with him. After a few moments he just reached a hand out and stopped her moving, then wordlessly pulled her into his arms.

This was the perfect night, and he loved her so much. This hadn’t been how he planned it at all, but he knew he needed to ask her. So he let her go and dropped to one knee, pulling out the ring he’d been keeping in his pocket and smiled to her, hoping that she'd give him the yes.


	175. Chapter 175

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in a future AU I'm gonna be posting. Where Merri is a criminal mastermind.

_I’ll sing it one last time for you then we really have to go  
You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all I’ve done  
And I can barely look at you but every single time I do  
I know we’ll make it anywhere away from here  
_ \-- ** _“Run” by Snow Patrol_**

Emily was bouncing in her seat at the table, listening as King sang another lullaby, It was a quiet family moment, and one of the few times she had contact with anyone other than the guards and the other segregated prisoners. Nearly all of them former law enforcement. “Again daddy, again!”

“Alright, last time though, Emily. It’s time to go.” King replied, and Merri almost grimaced at that subtle reminder that this wasn’t their family home, this was a prison and they couldn’t stay with her.

“I don’t wanna go daddy, I don’t wanna leave momma.” Emily’s pitiful, pleading voice broke her heart. She knew that it wasn’t going to be forever, and it wasn't going to ever happen again if she could help it. It hurt so much to look at her little family.

“I’ll be home soon Emily, I promise.” She already had her son on her lap, and holding an arm out Emily took the opportunity to jump onto her mother’s knee too. “I miss you guys so much.”

“I love you mommy.” Emily whispered as she curled into Merri a little more, and Merri just frowned a little so neither of them could see her. She’d let these kids down, and she couldn’t stand that. She was sure King was taking good care of them, but she should be there.

“I love you too, mommy.” Matthew said quietly, echoing his sister as they both cuddled into their mother. Merri’s guilt surfaced again and she knew that her decision was the right one.

“I love you guys more.” It took everything she had not to let her voice break. To not worry them about the fact she was here.

“They miss you Meredith.” Pride said, and she noted the language he used. She wasn’t going to try and work it out, but at least she could say one thing for certain.

“Two more months, that's it, then I’ll be home with you.” Nothing was going to take her away from these kids again. “And going legit, I promise.” She said the last to Pride, and she saw his face soften as she did.

“Good. See you next week.” He reached out and squeezed her hand softly, and that made her feel like she could face the rest of this.

“Bye bye, mommy.” The twins said quietly as they were led away, and Merri’s heart broke again that she’d been caught.


	176. Chapter 176

_My imperfections, you let them mean nothing  
I’d have done the same with yours if you had any  
Just because I’m a mess doesn’t mean this has to end  
I deem it to certainty you’ll never find such love again  
_ \-- ** _“Your Life Over Mine” by Bry_**

She was as far from perfect as it was possible for someone to be, she was actually a bit of a mess. Between Emily, The _Moultrie_ and now Russo she was a gigantic wreck, but somehow he never acted as though they were a big deal. In fact to him they were nothing. They existed, but they weren’t something he ever focused on.

Then again, she treated him the same. She never thought about his negatives either. To her, he was perfect and that made her love him even more. He would try to tell her that he was a bigger mess than she was, but she couldn’t believe that. He was perfect, and she loved every bit of him.

What they did agree on was the fact that just because they were both giant messes they were doomed to failure. Through all this time they’d made things work. Not always easily, but they had done it.

Merri knew that she’d never have another relationship like this one, and really she never planned on having one. He was perfect for her, and she for him. This was their love, and she was happy with that.


	177. Chapter 177

_I heard that you’re settled down  
That you found a girl and you’re married now  
I heard that your dreams came true  
I guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you  
_ \-- ** _“Someone Like You” by Adele_**

Merri was married. How had that happened without him knowing? He’d thought that they were friends even though their relationship, their engagement, hadn’t worked out. She still called him all the time and they hadn’t spoken about her change in relationship status, not until he’d been there in New Orleans.  “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you. I didn’t know where you were.”

“You wanted me there?” He couldn’t help but be a little surprised by that, most people didn’t invite their exes to their wedding. Though James really hoped that they were more than just that.

“If you’d have come.” She said with that sweet little smile that she gave when she thought she might be a burden. It was just one of the many expressions he thought was the most adorable thing in the world. “I know we’ve always left things undefined but I needed someone who was here.” Merri tried to explain, and James just pulled her into his arms instead.

“I understand, I don’t begrudge you that MB.” He really didn’t. As long as she was happy he wasn’t going to be mad about anything. What mattered the most was that she was happy and safe. “You are happy, right?”

“The happiest I’ve been since we were at our best.” That stung, but only for a moment. At least she was saying that their relationship had made her happy. That was the only thing he ever wanted to do.

Still holding her close to him, he sighed and smiled. “You know, I’m always going to love you. But the most important thing is that you’re happy.” He wished the best for Merri and Pride, and he’d make sure he’d be there. But he wouldn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of Pride if he hurt Merri. Saying that was probably a bad idea.


	178. Chapter 178

_Yeah we’re all wonderful, wonderful people  
So when did we all get so fearful  
Now we’re finally finding our voices  
Just take a chance come help me sing this  
_ \-- ** _“Read All About It” by Emile Sande_**

Finally she was feeling like she was at home. Like she could talk about her history, about her past. She finally felt like she was around people who were able to help her with everything that she needed and wanted to do. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt so at home, but she did.

Yet there was still something she was afraid of. She let them all in, but at a point she still shut down. Refusing to let people know her entirely. Even the man she thought of as her closest friend here was still separated by one wall. Something that she felt like she needed to maintain.

Right now that need to maintain the wall could be her downfall. She knew they were all wonderful people who would help her without her having to ask, yet she pulled away, went to hiding within herself. Not letting anyone see exactly how she was feeling, how she was acting. She didn’t want to worry them.

Of course he figured it out, and confronting her ended with one sentence. Just one sentence that broke down that one last wall. “Take a chance on me, please.”


	179. Chapter 179

_We stuck it out this far together  
Put our dreams through the shredder  
Let’s toast ‘cause things got better  
And everything could change like that  
And all these years go by so fast  
But nothing lasts forever  
_ \-- ** _“Here’s To Us” by Halestorm_**

Two years was normally the time where she packed up somewhere and left. She moved on, mostly so she wouldn’t get attached to anyone. Of course, here she had been attached to people within weeks, counted them as her family within months. She loved them so much and that made everything more difficult.

The last few weeks all her hopes and dreams had been destroyed. She’d finally accepted what she wanted and needed and then someone had come along and made her doubt herself, made her think that she wasn’t good enough. All Merri could think was that no matter the trials she went through, it would be enough.

Recently though, her team and especially her partner were trying to raise her spirits, trying to make her remember all the good that there was in their lives. As life went on she toasted to the fact they survived, that they were all still alive and that things were on the up. Everything was changing, but it was in a good way.

Nothing that changed had been expected, and at first she’d been sad, worried and panicked. Then she’d seen them as an opportunity. She’d seen them as a pathway into a new life, and as an opportunity to finally admit that she was in love with her partner. The universe could keep laying on her, but she’d be fine as long as she had him to back her up.

As the years passed she knew they’d made the right choice. They had so much love and joy in their lives, and they had no reason to consider anything lost, broken or missing any longer. Everything was right as it needed to be in that moment, and that was how she enjoyed it. Things changed every day, but that wasn’t a bad thing, not anymore.

The status quo couldn’t last forever, and she knew that. But at least she could say that things were better, and that she was happy. It wasn’t what she’d wanted earlier, but it was what she wanted now. She was in love, she was with her family, and she was starting a new life. That was worth all the pain and disappointment, because this was her new life, and she was happy for that.


	180. Chapter 180

_Even though I'm on my own I know I'm not alone  
Cause I know there's someone, somewhere, praying that I make it home  
So here's one from the heart, my life right from the start  
I need a home sweet home to call my own  
_ \-- ** _“Someone, Somewhere” by Ben Bruce_**

Six months. She’d been an agent afloat again for six months, and in just a few days he tour would be over and she could go home again. This time for good. She really could deal with the idea of being away from King and the twins any longer.

Back in New Orleans they were just waiting for her to get home, hoping and praying that she’d be safe, while Merri was doing the same for them. She was ready to give up everything she had to be with her family.

This was her life, her happiness, and they were home. As she wrote the letter, the letter that she’d probably beat home, she wrote out exactly how she was feeling. It was basically a list of everything she missed about them.

Looking up at the picture on the wall, she ran her fingers over it and smiled. She’d be home so soon, and she couldn’t wait.


	181. Chapter 181

_ Cause you make me yearn to be refused _ _   
_ _ You intimate hope for a life you won’t choose _ _   
_ _ Keep me around just to keep you amused _ _   
_ _ Won’t you please cut me loose _ _   
_ \-- **_“Let Me Go” by Startisan_ **

For years she’d been on the edge of his affections, and she knew that was all he would ever see her as. She wasn’t anything serious for him, she was just something and someone that was available. He wanted company, amusement, sex. Whatever it was he wanted she was normally the one he called, and every time she went to him. Even though she knew that that was all she was ever going to be to him.

She had tried to be more, she had tried to make him happy, tried to show him that she could be everything that he wanted, everything he he needed. She actually now looked forward to him turning her down. Needing to know how she could try to improve for the next time she tried to take their relationship any further. But now even she was going to have to give up chasing him. 

Every so often he would give her hope for a life they could live, they’d be laid in bed and he’d mention something about the future and include her in it. He’d do that whenever she was beginning to falter, and finally she was beginning to realise that it wasn’t ever going to go that way. She was never going to pick that hypothetical life. He was in love with someone else, his ex, and she was the woman in his mind.

Whenever she was available, whenever they were in the same place, he ran back to her and she would have him until she was done, or until he needed to leave. From what she’d gathered from all the reports about his ex from their mutual friends, she was beautiful, and everything that she wasn’t. That woman had everything that she didn’t, and that included him.

That realisation was what had finally brought her to the point where she just wanted to get away, but she was still so addicted to him that she didn’t think that she could do it herself. She needed for him to let her go, to cut her loose and tell her he truly wasn’t interested in her. She needed for him to make the first move in getting rid of her, because she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

Suddenly, he was married. To the ex. That really shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did seem like he was finally happy. More than that, she was finally free. It was painful, but at least she could finally move on. She could finally find someone that would actually make her happy, and that was the most important thing. He had got what he wanted, and she had too, in her own way. This was the best outcome for all of them.


	182. Chapter 182

_ Excuse me, your honor and jury, pass all your judgment _ _   
_ _ I’ve been examined, interrogated my entire life _ _   
_ _ I never look at your verdict, but bailiffs, sometimes they read them _ _   
_ _ And when I hear your thoughts on me, I want to personally say _ _   
_ _ When you doubt me, it makes me better _ _   
_ _ When you hate me, it makes me stronger _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”One More Round” by New Found Glory_ **

She was used to these hearings, she was used to people passing judgement on her and the things she’d done. It had started when she’d been kicked out of NCIS after the incident on the  _ Moultrie _ . Since then she’d arrested fairly regularly, every couple of months. She’d only ever made it to court once or twice.

Hearing the other lawyer telling the jury and the gallery how she was a dangerous drug lord hiding behind layers of protection and her reputation as a former NCIS agent to see her through. While the other lawyer was correct, the key was that he couldn’t prove it. She was an attractive former agent. Soft spoken and polite, earnest in proving her innocence. That was the personally she’d adopted.

Speaking personally to the jury, she spoke about how these spurious charges they kept levelling against her despite their lack of evidence was another example of the government trying to turn her into a scapegoat. She could connect with them all, knew what each needed to hear.

The prosecution doubting that she could get off made her even more determined to prove that she was never going to be caught. Especially not for the things she hadn’t actually done. This case was one that she and her people were actually innocent of, and she wasn’t going to take the blame for someone else’s shoddy work.

After the case she spoke to the press, making sure that she entirely played her part as the wronged victim. The truth was that even when she was breaking the law Merri tried to keep things as non-violent as it was possible to. 

Maybe she no longer had the stomach for all of this, maybe it was time to pull out and just run the restaurant business that she’d built up. It would keep her in a good lifestyle the rest of her life. She could manage this. It was time to stop, even if she did have her act perfected. 


	183. Chapter 183

_ You were everything I wanted _ _   
_ _ But I just can’t finish what I started _ _   
_ _ There’s no room left here on my back _ _   
_ _ It was damaged long ago _ _   
_ _ Though you swear that you are true _ _   
_ _ I’d still pick my friends over you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”My Friends Over You” by New Found Glory_ **

She hadn’t known what she wanted for a long time, then James Lathom had come into her life. Merri had been twenty five and immediately she’d been head over heels for him. The upside for her was that his fall had been almost as fast. They knew from that moment on that he was probably going to be one of the most important people in her entire life. Over the almost decade and a half since they met, she’d never been proven wrong. 

Officially ending their relationship was the one thing neither of them seemed able to do. Every time they got together they said it was the last time, but they loved each other, and it never seemed like the right time to pull the plug on them. She’d had boyfriends, he’d had girlfriends, and yet still every time they were in the same place, regardless of their relationship status, they fell back into this routine. That’s where they were right now.

How was she supposed to find space in her life to decide on all of this. To decide on this relationship at the same time as she was deciding on her career and everything else. Why did he pick this exact moment to return to her life and throw all of her carefully laid plans into turmoil. James had always had the uncanny ability of making her act irrationally, and she hated that. It was about all she hated.

Maybe she really was damaged. That’s what Sam had accused her of once. He’d said that she was broken and something in her didn’t want her to be happy. Truthfully Merri had been wondering that for far longer than Sam Wilkins had known of her existence. Far longer than any of the people she knew now had ever known of her. Merri had never been the normal woman, and she wasn’t actually surprised that her mind had fallen to this.

He promised her that his years of galavanting all over the planet, trying to cover every important story, every intriguing piece of political news, were over and done with. He swore that he was home now, and that he was all in. He didn’t want to risk losing her again. They should start over somewhere new where it was just the two of them. While that sounded so tempting, like exactly what she needed, it didn’t seem right.

Now even though she loved James deeply, and she would spend the rest of her life with him, she had more important people in her life. He wanted to whisk her away, he wanted them to run away from everything that was troubling them, and she couldn’t do that. No matter how much she loved him, she was going to put her friends, her found family, first. They had been there with her to hell and back, and they were where her loyalty lie. She loved James, but she loved her team more.


	184. Chapter 184

_Couples on their backs in the grass lay on blankets bought_  
 _On a date the day before, a routine I've been longing for_  
 _Can't help but to glance from the corner of my resentful eyes_  
 _Guess it's all perspective but it's you I never get enough_  
 _We're always far apart_  
\-- ** _”Vicious Love” by New Found Glory_**

Some days she hated all these happy couples. All the couples who clearly were all into each other and they didn’t have to contend with a tragic past or the fact that they lived 3000 miles from the person they loved. They got to have a date night, and have days like this. Merri had never had that relationship. Hers had always been predicated on the distance between them.

She couldn’t help but be jealous of these people, the people who woke up every day knowing their partner was nearby. The people who would never have to know what timezone they were calling if they just wanted to talk. Merri had never felt resentful in the early years of their relationship. Now though, that’s all she was. A little ball of jealousy and anger.

The truth was, she just didn’t get enough of him. From her perspective these people had the best of life. That was just how she thought of all this. She loved James, and she wanted to be with him, but they were always so far apart. She needed to call him, convince him to move here. It was about time something changed.


	185. Chapter 185

_ Falling in love is like a train wreck _ _   
_ _ If you make it out alive _ _   
_ _ You still haven't made it _ _   
_ _ So tell me the truth _ _   
_ _ You don't know what you do to me, do you? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Trainwreck” by New Found Glory_ **

She felt like she’d been in some sort of accident, or had seen some sort of catastrophic breakdown. She’d been so afraid that she’d lost him when his comms cut out that it was like her heart had stopped and she couldn’t get any oxygen in. She hated that feeling, but she hadn’t been able to push it aside.

When he climbed out of the rubble there was a jump in her heart and she couldn’t help but run through to him and all but jump into his arms. Holding him close and letting him hold her in return. They had sacrificed a lot to try and make this work, she didn’t want to see all that being thrown out the window immediately.

If she was truthful, she didn’t know what it was about him, and she doubted he knew either, but they brought something out in one another that they couldn’t explain. It was perfect, and the more that she thought about the more she realised that this must be what it felt like to truly love someone, and she was OK with that.


	186. Chapter 186

_ Your inviting curves never heard or caused a scene _ _   
_ _ I'm just a name that you forgot now we're even _ _   
_ _ Just a patient boy waiting on your mattress _ _   
_ _ Just a patient boy waiting in the back _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Caught In The Act” by New Found Glory_ **

She’d once claimed that she never had guys falling over her, that she had never really been the type of girl to cause a scene or have anyone fighting over her. He had quickly realised that nobody needed to fight, because her choice was always going to lead back to her ex. That’s why they’d ended, and he was still bitter about that.

When he heard about what happened with the corrupt homeland agent, and for a moment he’d been concerned about her, then he couldn’t help but think that she’d probably brought it on herself. Merri had probably forgotten all about him, but now he felt like they were somewhat even. 

He’d never been the boy who was going to wait around for her like she’d probably wanted. He was not going to be the one left waiting when he would always lose out to someone. So she got what she deserved, and he couldn’t really be sorry about that.


	187. Chapter 187

_ You can't get rid of me that easy no, not without a fight _ _   
_ _ Your cool and collected approach is appealing yeah, you got it down just right _ _   
_ _ You should put a blindfold over my eyes and tape my mouth shut _ _   
_ _ When every word I say might as well be, might as well be my last thought _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Right Where We Left Off” by New Found Glory_ **

He’d thought that she’d go away and leave him alone. He thought that if he ignored her entirely that she’d give in and find someone else to harass. He wasn’t interested in her in any possible way, but she was persistent and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

It was when he started finding messages written in blood that he got concerned. Beautiful calligraphy, but the ink used was blood. Likely her own. She wrote about how he may as well blind and gag her, as she saw nobody but him.

Coming up to it, he realised it was probably time he address it when he found her in his car with a knife. She held it to his throat and whispered in his ear. “You can’t get rid of me, I won’t go without a fight.”


	188. Chapter 188

_ First comes heavy breathing _ _   
_ _ Staring at the ceiling _ _   
_ _ What will happen next _ _   
_ _ I don’t wanna know _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Don’t Wanna Know” by New Found Glory_ **

This had never been planned, this wasn’t supposed to be how this had gone, and yet here they were, breathing heavily laid beside one another. Not even an hour earlier they’d been fighting about how neither of them could commit to anything anymore. She was too damaged by everything she’d gone through and he was too hurt by what had come before. He’d accused her of running, she’d accused him of clinging. The last she remembered they’d been screaming at each other about this situation.

He’d kissed her to shut her up, she remembered that part of it. Neither of them had been able to stop and already being in a private room with access to a bed had meant their clothes had gone flying maybe faster than they normally would have done if they’d been elsewhere. 

Her first thought was that she actually didn’t regret it at all. It was exactly what they’d both needed. She just stared at the ceiling as she thought about this, then realised that she really didn’t want to know what would happen next. She didn’t want to have to think about them walking away from each other. This had been a long time coming, and now they were here, she never wanted it to end.


	189. Chapter 189

_ There was staring in seclusion, a fine tuned way of motion _ _   
_ _ A face wrapped for a suitor, the sound of hearts pumping at the same beat _ _   
_ _ Coming round the corner in almost all directions _ _   
_ _ A sense of heat that I couldn’t bear to touch, no I couldn’t bear it. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”It’s Not Your Fault” by New Found Glory_ **

They were alone now, and it was a secluded, quiet place. Watching the way she moved, the way she sat, everything about her. He still couldn’t believe that somehow she had decided to take a chance on him. Given everything they were to each other and everything she’d been through, she still picked him.

She was so beautiful, and every time she turned to him with that happy smile he felt himself melting again. He loved her so much, and all he wanted was to make her happy. She was a fire he’d barely dared to touch, and he still almost couldn’t bear it. He loved her so deeply, that he’d keep going regardless.

There was no way on this Earth he could ever stop loving her, and he hoped that the feeling was mutual.


	190. Chapter 190

_ Catalyst you insist to pull me down _ _   
_ _ You contradict the fact that you _ _   
_ _ Still want me around _ _   
_ _ And it's all downhill from here _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”All Downhill From Here” by New Found Glory_ **

She was falling again and this time she couldn’t seem to stop it. She thought she’d gotten away from all of this, but of course it was pulling her back down. For close to a decade she’d run, tried to escape all the issues that fired up in her mind any time they came up. 

She said she wanted to break free, she wanted to move on and forget, but she knew that really, she didn’t know who she was without that hanging over her. she didn’t know where she’d go or how she’d react if she finally actually put it behind her. So in some sick way she still wanted that to be around, that she needed it to be present in her life.

This was probably the sign that her life was going rapidly downhill, and it really was. She was going to end up self-destructing before long, and all she could say was that she deserved it all.


	191. Chapter 191

_ I wanna see the sunset over me, catch up with an old friend _ _   
_ _ See a girl I used to like do cartwheels up and down my heart _ _   
_ _ Telling Secrets underwater, getting valentine flowers _ _   
_ _ I’ll wait by this mailbox for you or your letter _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Situations” by New Found Glory_ **

He didn’t know what home was anymore, and he hadn’t since Meredith had called off their engagement. Over the years the two of them had come close to rekindling their relationship many times, but they’d always held off. he wasn’t sure anymore if it was him who’d held it up or her, but one of them always backed off. 

Today was the best of both worlds, in some ways. He was on holiday with his best friend, his Meredith, and while nothing had been clarified, they had spent a lot of time curled up together, talking about all these situations. Some of it they spent curled up under the sunset, or in bed, or really anywhere they happened to be. 

Everything they’d done together over the years had flooded over him, and he was so happy about the fact she had called him when she needed someone. He wanted to be the one who was there for her, and he wanted to be the only one who mattered when she was struggling.

He’d waited for her, and that made it even better that it had paid off. He was devastated at everything that had happened to her, but he was determined that she knew he was never going to leave her alone again. She was stuck with him now. That was making the best of all of this.


	192. Chapter 192

_ I missed you, those weren’t your words _ _   
_ _ Seeing you became a charm _ _   
_ _ And everyday I wish I could _ _   
_ _ Every day I say your name _ _   
_ _ When I fall, when I hit the bottom _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Eyesore” by New Found Glory_ **

The longer this went on the more Merri felt like she was the only one putting effort into this relationship. He was always at work, or off on an assignment. If he wasn’t too honest about everything she’d think he was having an affair.

Choosing to end things had been the hardest decision of her life, because she truly, deeply loved James Lathom, but she couldn’t keep going like this. Every single day she wished she could put up with this. Wait until he got it all out of his system and came home, but she didn’t know when that would be and she couldn’t keep waiting.

James was always going to be the one she called when she needed help, the name she thought of when she wanted a friend and probably the person she spoke about most. When she hit rock bottom she knew he’d be there for her. They just couldn’t be together now.


	193. Chapter 193

_ Take for granted _ _   
_ _ I'll be here if you need me when you come around _ _   
_ _ Take advantage of me dear _ _   
_ _ 'Cause you need this when you come around _ _   
_ _ Need this now so I'm asking you to... _ _   
_ _ Say you'll never change or get over me" _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Over Me” by New Found Glory_ **

Maybe she was taking advantage of the fact that he loved her so deeply. Sure, a lot of why they’d broken up had been because he had been worried about committing back then. Now though, that was all he wanted to do and she was the one holding bac. A lot had changed for her in the last decade, so he didn’t blame her, but he was still hoping that one day she’d come around.

He wished that she’d say that she’d never gotten over him, but that wasn’t going to happen. Right now James didn’t care, all he cared was that he was there and once again she had needed him. If this was how his life was to go from now on he could actually live with that. 

All of that, because he needed her just as much.


	194. Chapter 194

_ Look them in the eyes, tell them what they wanna hear _ _   
_ _ Yeah, that's when everyone falls my dear _ _   
_ _ Look me in the eyes, tell me what I wanna hear _ _   
_ _ You know I'll never fall for it _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Summer Fling, Don’t Mean A Thing” by New Found Glory_ **

She lied. She always lied. They wanted to hear specific things. They didn’t really want to hear what she was thinking about, they didn’t really want to know what she felt. It was a lot easier for her to look someone in the eye and lie straight to their face than it probably should have been. 

People tended to fall at that point, they would over explain or they straight up wouldn’t be able to do it. It was why she was so good at what she did. It was easiest for a liar to tell a liar. The tell tale signs were easier for her to recognise, and then work even harder to deal with them so people couldn’t tell when she was lying.

So she hated when people tried to lie to her, because it never worked. She always knew. That was the worst thing about her job.


	195. Chapter 195

_ I know everything reminds you of me _ _   
_ _ Even the songs you thought I'd never sing _ _   
_ _ I know you'll mess up your hair _ _   
_ _ I know you'll do things you would never dare _ _   
_ _ But it all coincides in some way _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Make Your Move” by New Found Glory_ **

She’d been gone from his bed for a month, that was it, just one month, and everything reminded him of her. The songs he heard in passing, the conversations between their friends. Absolutely everything reminded him, and he felt like she was feeling the same way. At least the texts and calls led him to believe that. They called it off for a good reason, they didn’t want to impact their partnership, but he missed everything else they did together.

As he watched her he could picture the scene in his head, her sliding her fingers through her hair, messing it up. It wasn’t as obvious now that she had longer hair but he knew her habit. She loved doing that, and he’d loved running his through afterwards and smoothing it down. Since then though, in her personal life, she’d been taking more risks, doing more things she’d never dared to do before.

Worrying about her, making sure she knew he was still there for her was important, and he didn’t know if he was doing a good enough job at that. He hoped he was, but he had no real clue. He was sure that, eventually, she’d be OK.


	196. Chapter 196

_ How did I survive the down fall _ _   
_ _ Two wrongs don't make a right here at all (uh oh) _ _   
_ _ How did I survive the down fall _ _   
_ _ Don't you worry about that _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Drill It In My Brain” by New Found Glory_ **

She had made it through this again, and she had absolutely no idea how she had. This was the second incident in as many months, and she’d somehow made it through. First had been letting them all know that she’d been secretly working Emily’s case for months, this time it was everything that had happened with Russo and the issues around that. Somehow she had still survived it all.

Neither of these wrongs absolved her. Neither made it right what she was doing and she didn’t actually know how to return Pride’s trust in her. She may have instinctual known that Russo was the ringleader, and that Emily’s case was more than an accident, but she had gone against orders and had really just made a royal mess of it all.

Pride had told her not to worry about it, that he would fight her corner the whole way, and she really didn’t know how to repay him for that faith. She didn’t deserve his friendship, but she was happy that she had it, and that he was always around when she needed him. It worked, and she would make it all up to him somehow.


	197. Chapter 197

_ I wake up in a waiting room with the taste of blood and a clouded view   
I notice there is a tear in my jeans, the sleeves of my shirt have been ripped from their seams   
My memory is a little bit blank, the thought of my name doesn't seem to come back   
And I turn and scream "what am I here for?" The nurses yell "you were left at the door"   
I'm a stranger, someone left me for dead, and I need to decide what to do next _   
\-- **_”Listen To Your Friends” by New Found Glory_ **

She had no idea where she was, and this room with it’s harsh lighting and it’s overly clean feel was nothing like what she’d left behind, nor was it like where she called home. At least, not where she thought she called home. It was too clean.

Her clothes, which had been fine last she could fully recall, we're all torn and ripped up, and she didn’t know what to think about that. All this place screamed was a hospital, but she didn’t like this idea.

When a man appeared he claimed he was her friend, that they could show her her real life she couldn’t believe him. She could only believe that this was a distraction and she was to believe that they were here to save her.

The holes in her memory were confusing, and it meant that she felt as though she’d been left for dead and right now she had no idea what she was going to do next. She had no idea how to keep herself safe, only there wasn’t only her she had to think of.

As if responding to her thoughts the bump under her shirt shifted slightly, reminding her that no matter what, she wasn’t alone. So she needed to make a plan, otherwise it was the end for them both.


	198. Chapter 198

_ Oh, the secrets you keep… All the secrets you keep, _ _   
_ _ So can I ask you about the sleepless nights, _ _   
_ _ The cold shoulders, never returning phone calls, _ _   
_ _ Constantly questioning our chemistry, the look I'm used to you having, _ _   
_ _ You hold back all you feel and I expect this to come back to me. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”If You Don’t Love Me” by New Found Glory_ **

She had secrets, she had more secrets than he could probably ever truly know about, and that didn’t actually surprise him. He could get read into every facet of her career and she would still have secrets. She was just that person, and he didn’t think that she knew how to stop herself from keeping them.

He knew that she didn’t sleep, Loretta had told him that and he was actually totally unsurprised about that. Given how late she would stay here at the office and still be in before 7 the following morning. He didn’t know how much sleep she got on average, but he was willing to bet it was around three hours a night.

It seemed like as she realised he was getting closer, breaching her defences, she started pulling back. Giving him a cold shoulder, only answering his calls if it was about a case. She was trying to protect herself and he understood that, but it really just made him more worried. 

Her questioning of their partnership, their working relationship, their friendship, everything… It put a strain on him that he didn’t want to admit to. He knew she was holding back but he didn’t care about that, he didn’t care if she was struggling. She was that person, but he wanted her to open up to him, maybe in time she would.


	199. Chapter 199

_ The needle on my record player has been wearing thin _ _   
_ _ This record has been playing since the day you've been with him _ _   
_ _ No more long rides home _ _   
_ _ No more of your station _ _   
_ _ I didn't like it anyways  _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_“Hit or Miss” by New Found Glory_ **

What was it about sad songs that made it easier to get over someone. At least that’s what he was telling himself as he kept the album on repeat. it just made him feel better about the fact that Merri had left him for a stone headed neanderthal who probably clubbed her over the head and dragged her to his cave.

He knew that he needed to get over Merri, but that was a lot easier said than done. He loved her and he didn’t think he wanted to get over her. Maybe if he just sat and watched, that would all change.


	200. Chapter 200

_ I can't relate to your constant static _ _   
_ _ Your lack of remorse is cause for panic _ _   
_ _ No I can't relate, I never did _ _   
_ _ The worst thing was when I let you in _ _   
_ _ I let you in _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Constant Static” by New Found Glory_ **

“He didn’t regret a thing. He was a true believer.” She was still thinking about this, and while he knew that this was bothering her, he felt like she needed to come off it for a while, to give herself a break. But to do that she would have to forgive herself, and Meredith Brody didn’t forgive.

“They are the most dangerous, Merri. You know that.” Over all the years reporting on crimes and on being involved with Merri he knew what made a dangerous criminal, and those that really believe in their cause were the ones that he always hated the most, and he knew they were the ones that she hated too.

“I let him in, James. I knew there was something and I let him in.” She kept thinking about that, and James just wanted to try and get her to stop, he pulled her against his chest and kissed the top of her head as she continued speaking. “I can’t come back from that.”

“Yes you can, you’ve come back from everything else.” He knew that she had an amazing staying power, more than people gave her credit for. “I have faith in you.” He dropped his head to her shoulder and kissed the skin there softly. He knew that no matter what, Merri would have done all she could, and she’d figure it all out.


	201. Chapter 201

_ You knew that I was a push over, _ _   
_ _ So you pushed me right over the edge. _ _   
_ _ I must say you've never looked so good in black. _ _   
_ _ But, did you mean it? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Anthem for the Unwanted” by New Found Glory_ **

He had been taken as the dupe, as the weak link, and he didn’t like it. Why was he always the target when someone wanted to get in like this. he just wanted to believe that everyone was good, and that they wanted to treat him the same way he treated them. He was rapidly learning that he was wrong.

As he saw the woman who had cause all of this he had to admit that she looked good in that outfit, only because the all black suit meant they were going to court, and he was sure that they would nail her for the danger she had but everyone in.

But he couldn’t help but wonder silently if she’d meant anything she’d said.


	202. Chapter 202

_ But how can I believe any words that she says to me _ _   
_ _ When everything comes out wrong _ _   
_ _ She's built and torn down anyone that gets close to her heart _ _   
_ _ To her heart _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”So Many Ways” by New Found Glory_ **

She loved him. That was what she was trying to say to him but he didn’t know how he could believe her. She said these things and most of the time he felt like she was actually just saying them to keep him around.

Nothing she said was actually the truth, at least that was how it seemed sometimes. she kept her thoughts and emotions locked away from him, even though they were supposed to be in a relationship. she just didn’t want to talk to him.

Years ago she’d built him up, but now they’d just collapsed and that was largely on her. He wasn’t going to say he was blameless, but he certainly was no more at fault than she was. 

When someone got close to her she would push them away, it was self preservation, and that was going to be her downfall in the future. For the moment though, it was clearly serving her, not that he understood it at all. 

Saying goodbye was all he could do now, and hope that would make her get help.


	203. Chapter 203

_ Yes, I got your address from a friend _ _   
_ _ It was a matter of life and death _ _   
_ _ Something I needed off my chest _ _   
_ _ So can we meet tonight _ _   
_ _ But I don't wanna fight _ _   
_ _ Don't wanna leave 'til we're alright _ _   
_ _ Remembering everything that was said _ _   
_ _ Remembering went right straight to my head _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Whiskey Rose” by New Found Glory_ **

He knew she’d moved again, knew she wasn’t in Chicago any longer and a few texts told him that she was in New Orleans. Given that he’d already accepted an assignment there he was hoping that he’d maybe be able to run in to her, or track her down, and just maybe get a chance to talk to her about everything. She hadn’t returned his calls, and she didn’t seem to want to let him even try to make up for the sins of the past.

Then, his dad died. James had never really be close to his dad, but it had spurred James into fixing his mistakes, and losing Merri was a huge mistake. Probably the biggest one he’d ever made. Getting to New Orleans he’d thought about how to go about this, then he’d stumbled across a crime scene, and people talking about the victim being navy. That likely meant that Merri was there.

Sure enough, only a few minutes later, she was walking out of the door, thanking people. Just as she always did. “Special Agent Brody.” He called, and he was sure that his accent drew her attention more than the fact he’d called her name. He was hardly the only press there, and he decided to play on that. “Care to give a statement to the press?”

“James.” She wore that same smirk he saw whenever she greeted him after an assignment, the same one that told him he was home. It seemed like a long time since he’d been here, he couldn’t resist feeling happy about it. He didn’t even pay attention as her team continued walking, all his focus was on her. “What are you doing in New Orleans?” She asked, and he just smiled a little. There were so many answers he could give, and while his mouth spoke the official one, he thought about it being the fact that he wasn’t going to leave until they were alright.


	204. Chapter 204

_ Here's to us fools _ _   
_ _ That have no meaning _ _   
_ _ I tip my glass to you _ _   
_ _ Let's toast the night away to friends _ _   
_ _ And forget about tomorrow _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ballad for the Lost Romantics” by New Found Glory_ **

Making a toast was never his strong point, and he never exactly knew what he needed or wanted to say, but he knew what they would want to hear today. He knew that his friends would want to hear about how they had made it through yet another day, through yet another situation. 

Holding his glass up he spoke about how they had been facing uncertain odds, and probable death, yet they were all here, whole and healthy. That was the way that life seemed to go for them. They were a misfit, ragtag bunch of ruffians, but they were a team.

They could forget about everything, because they were a family, and that was the important thing.


	205. Chapter 205

_ And your face turns blush red _ _   
_ _ As you scream for forgiveness _ _   
_ _ The mistakes you can't forget _ _   
_ _ Is the regret that you'll live with _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Don’t Let This Be The End” by New Found Glory_ **

She was bright red, tears were streaming down her face and he had no idea what had caused this very sudden mood change. Why were toddlers so confusing. Only a moment later he’d been telling her that she was doing well today and she deserved a treat. Then for some reason that had confused both him and the other toddler in the house. Matthew was giving him a look that seem to ask ‘what’s her problem?’, and King wished he could explain. His wife was much better at figuring Emily out than he was.

Maybe his mistake was letting Emily pick her own activity, she’d never been the best without a rigid structure, and sometimes it had led to toddler breakdowns. Nearly always from Emily. Oh well, at that point they’d all have to live with it. “Why’s your sister always so dramatic, Mattie?” King asked quietly, picking the screaming toddler up and sitting her on his hip, hoping that would calm her down soon.


	206. Chapter 206

_ Visions of red _ _   
_ _ I never thought that I could get here _ _   
_ _ In the past the pain would blind me _ _   
_ _ And at times I’d wish you dead _ _   
_ _ Now I see a picture clearer than the morning _ _   
_ _ To you I was a monster _ _   
_ _ And you had to save yourself _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Stubborn” by New Found Glory_ **

How were they here now, given the way that their lives had gone, she really wasn’t quite sure what it was that changed. The years had passed and things all seemed so much easier for them. She wasn’t angry anymore, she wasn’t as likely to get angry about absolutely everything.

Even when she’d started to move on, she’d never thought that they would be here. She’d never thought that she’d be able to get over all of this to get to the point where she and James were actually in a situation where they could work out their issues. It had taken a long time, but they were there.

The problem had been that the pain of Emily’s death, the pain of the  _ Moultrie _ , the pain of everything else that Merri had been going through… it had all landed on her and she’d blamed James for all of it. It was all his fault even though that didn’t make any sense at all. She was too blind to the real issues facing her.

Sometimes, over the years, she had wished the worst for him. When she was angry or hurt. When she was reminded of how much he had loved her and how she’d had to sabotage that. Whenever someone had implied that he was happy without her, even though she had no right to expect anything else.

Now though, she could understand it all more. He had shown her all the pictures he’d taken over those months, and her mental and emotional state were clear through them, even if she’d never mentioned what her problems were. It was obvious what was going on in her mind, and that had helped her see it clearly.

She had turned into a monster, into the worst nightmare of a partner. She had morphed into someone it was impossible to love, impossible to be with, and she actually hadn’t minded that at the time. Now with all the time and distance she wished she could go back to that time and fix it.

James had had to save himself, and Merri couldn’t blame him. Now though, they could work on their lives again, both together and separately. She was excited to see where this was all going to go.


	207. Chapter 207

_ You pierce my heart, it useless, I don't even really need it _ _   
_ _ It belongs to nobody other than you _ _   
_ _ You can cut off my tongue, I'm speechless, a defeatist _ _   
_ _ And I'm wasting away, to nothing at your feet _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Reasons” by New Found Glory_ **

She didn’t want him, she’d rejected him, and that couldn’t be stood for. He was only her’s, and there was no way he could do anything. His heart was completely useless in this situation. He’d fallen head over heels for her and that had really been the very wrong thing to do.

More than that, he knew he didn’t deserve her, and he wouldn’t have ever asked her under normal circumstances, but he’d decided to try taking the Bull by the horns. His heart belonged only to her, and he was just a little sorry that he wasn’t her type.

He wasn’t going to try again, he was defeated, and he had nothing else that he could say. It would actually be easier if he were mute. He wouldn’t be so embarrassed in that situation at least.

This was the way his life was going to go, and there was no reason to push it all at all.


	208. Chapter 208

_ We're hoping she will be the one _ _   
_ _ But we never learn from our mistakes _ _   
_ _ Based on beauty, love soon dies _ _   
_ _ Then we make our move to separate _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Here We Go Again” by New Found Glory_ **

Every time he met someone he really hoped that this time it would be the real thing. This time she would be the soul companion that he had been searching for since the day he’d been old enough to search. This time he was pretty sure she wasn’t. There was something about her that was wrong.

Maybe the problem was that he always went for the same type. He never mixed it up. He wanted to be able to mix it up and that was where is problem all came from. Maybe she didn’t exist, or maybe this was all they had. Maybe he needed to start thinking about settling.

The fact that he picked every potential partner on their attributes probably meant that people thought he was being chauvinistic, and that anything he did begin would end up crashing and burning because that was likely what people felt he deserved for being the way he was.

It was all his fault when they left. He wasn’t even sorry about it.


	209. Chapter 209

_ And it feels like I'm at an all-time low  _ _   
_ _ Slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision  _ _   
_ _ I've never seen this side of you  another tragic case of feeling  _ _   
_ _ Bruised and broken from our head on collision  _ _   
_ _ I've never seen this side of you another tragic case and I'm still… _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Head On Collision” by New Found Glory_ **

Could she fall any lower than she was right now. Would it even be possible to get any lower? She was pretty certain she was at the bottom of the barrel. This was the all time low, lowest of the low, bottom of the Marianas Trench low. That was how she was feeling right now.

Now of it because of the situation she would have expected, either. She’d fought with him, the person always supposed to be on her side, and when they fought it was as though they’d been in a head on car crash. It was that forceful, and it often had that much injury involved with it.

She’d just never seen the way he’d been recently. He’d been cold and distant, snappy and irritable. It was not the way she’d ever expected to see him or feel him. She’d just never expected for it, and she felt like it was a tragic confluence of events that was making them all feel as though they’d been in the accident.

If she was honest, she’d probably admit that when they fought she got more emotional than she ever expected and that didn’t help her when it came to dealing for anything. This was all such a tragic situation, and she was still just waiting for it all to settle down. Then, maybe, they could deal with it all.


	210. Chapter 210

_ Now I'm standing at a crossroad _ _   
_ _ Don't know which path is calling me _ _   
_ _ I wanna follow in your footsteps _ _   
_ _ So you know you're never alone _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When I Die” by New Found Glory_ **

There were two ways they could go right now. One way would keep them all together, it would give them that security that was needed when they faced hard times. They would be happy, hopefully, and this would all be in the past. The other way they would go their separate ways, maybe remain friends, maybe, just maybe, they would have a chance to get back together.

Really, neither of them knew which way to go, and as for a calling, neither of them could answer that either. They both wanted to follow in the footsteps laid out for them, the ones that would tell them whether or not they were doing the right thing, but whether they were actually doing that nobody knew.

The best part of this was that they were never alone, they always had each other.


	211. Chapter 211

_ Everyone will remember me _ _   
_ _ Only because of how I twist my words around _ _   
_ _ If anyone gets to this point _ _   
_ _ Stop yourself from diving in headfirst _ _   
_ _ Onto solid ground _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Heartless At Best” by New Found Glory_ **

He was going to matter, that was the whole reason behind all of this. There was no chance that he was going to be forgotten, though that was maybe only because of the way he spoke, the way he would work all of this out.

She’d come along so perfectly and she had been exactly as damaged as everyone had told him she was, that had made her easier to manipulate into doing exactly what he wanted. He could do this with some entertainment too.

Maybe this would teach her a lesson, or maybe he could turn her who knew. Next time, if there was a next time, she wouldn’t dive in so fast. But that wouldn’t matter to him, his mission would be done.


	212. Chapter 212

_ When you lose a part of your self _ _   
_ _ To somebody you know _ _   
_ _ It takes a lot to let go _ _   
_ _ Every breath that you remember _ _   
_ _ Pictures fade away but memory is forever _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sonny” by New Found Glory_ **

Part of her had been lost forever on that August day nine years earlier, and no matter what she did she couldn’t get it back. King and Loretta had tried to tell her that she needed to live her own life, she needed to go on in Emily’s memory, but that was a lot easier said than done. She was still trying, but that part of her was gone. All her life Merri had wanted to be the one people depended on, but when Emily had needed her most she hadn’t been there.

For years she had been trying to let go of what had happened, let go of the pain of losing Emily, but she’d never managed yet. It took more than she was possibly ready for, and that was a big problem, because she knew that holding on to this was going to end badly for her.

With every breath, every beat of her heart, everything, she remembered her twin sister. She remembered the way Emily would laugh, and how she’d cover her mouth while eating. How she never let someone see her without her hair done perfectly, or without her clothes being done specifically.

The pictures she had would fade, or be lost or destroyed, but nothing could make her forget the years that she and Emily had together, all the history between the two of them. No matter what happened in her life, Merri was always going to be a twin, and she hated that Emily wasn’t there to say that with her.


	213. Chapter 213

_ I've been stuck in this whirlwind _ _   
_ _ My life's been spinning round my head _ _   
_ _ Long distance conversations _ _   
_ _ Make up for me not being there _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Coming Home” by New Found Glory_ **

Everything was spinning around, and he couldn’t make it stop. He couldn’t seem to slow the universe down so that he could regain some footing. He was stuck spinning around with his life completely out of control.

So every night, without fail, he typed in the digits that would connect him to his family, even if he only spoke to them for two or three minutes it was better than nothing. His wife was settled in one place, raising their children in relative safety.

For him, safety was a distant memory, but one day he would be home and this would all be like a bad dream. For now though he just needed to hope that those long distance calls made up for him not being there with them now.


	214. Chapter 214

_ So here before you go to places I don't know  _ _   
_ _ It can't feel this right every time  _ _   
_ _ So now that I can try, someday it will be mine _ _   
_ _ As long as you stay by my side  _ _   
_ _ Where did you go? I wanna know _ _   
_ _ Where did you hide? This is goodbye _ _   
_ _ What would you say? I already know  _ _   
_ _ When will you smile? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Goodbye” by Hopeland_ **

He didn’t know where she was going when she shut down, he didn’t know how to reach her when she was there, so this time before she disappeared he pulled her into him and kissed her deeply. King just wanted to show her that she had someone to come back to, and for her to know that there was something going right in her life. Merri didn’t believe she deserved that, but he would show her.

Trying to show her was pretty much exactly what they both needed for him to do for good, and he was actually more than happy to oblige. Someday all of this would be his and he would be able to help her heal when she disappeared into herself like this. Right now he knew that it was happening, but he didn’t know how to stop it. He would learn as long as she stayed with him.

There were parts of her mind that he just wasn’t allowed to see, and he hated that. He hated that she felt like she needed to hide anything from him. He desperately wanted to know where she went and hide, in what horrific nightmare scenario that he’d never had to live through did she retreat to. He’d read enough of her file to know exactly how bad some of her assignments had gone.

He already knew what she’d say if he asked her, but he still wanted to, and he just wanted to help her heal enough that she could smile and move on, and never have to be afraid or terrified or alone. One day, King would make sure that Merri knew she didn’t need to hide. She had a home, and they would always be there for her.


	215. Chapter 215

_ I remember the nights when you’d lie with me _ _   
_ _ When we’d talk and we’d touch and we’d fall asleep _ _   
_ _ I’d wake up in your arms and I’d feel at ease _ _   
_ _ Now it’s just me and I lie awake _ _   
_ _ And I toss and I turn and I see your face _ _   
_ _ When I wake from the dream it won’t go away _ _   
_ _ Oh it’s gonna be a long night _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Long Night” by With Confidence_ **

She had had him there with her for only a few nights, but he had been there. After solving her sister’s murder they had crossed a line they swore they’d never cross. He’d found her after she’d been to the meeting and they’d ended up at her apartment, in her bed, and they’d been curled up together, breathless and happy. 

For two weeks he’d spent every night there. They’d talked, and she’d said more to him than she’d said to anyone in close to a decade. His gentle caresses making her feel like she was safe. She could tell him almost anything in those moments and they would fall asleep laid in one another’s arms. It was the most peaceful she’d felt in a very long time.

Then she’d wake up and she’d never regret it. His arms were still wrapped around her, holding her close to his chest. Cuddling had never been something she enjoyed, she didn’t like to be touched, but right from the moment they met King had been the exception to that. He’d been allowed to touch her whenever he wanted, while the other’s got a death glare if they even tried.

Now though, everything had changed and she was all alone. She didn’t know what exactly it was that had stopped them being together, but it was just her in the bed. That safety she’d been experiencing for the last two weeks had disappeared, and she went back to laying awake staring at the ceiling.

Tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable was just reminding her that he wasn’t laid there with her again. He was in his own bed halfway across the city. Was he thinking about her. Could he see her face on the pillow next to his when he closed his eyes the way she could him. His face was right there, but it disappeared when she opened her eyes.

Actually sleeping she dreamt he was there, then she dreamt that he was gone from her for good, that she wouldn’t be able to convince him back, that she wouldn’t be able to make him see that they were just hurting themselves by trying to stay apart. They needed each other. But when she awoke the dream was still real, it didn’t go away.

The one thing she was certain of was that these nights were going to be too long, and she wasn’t ready to deal with that. She wasn’t sure she could deal with them alone, but instead she laid and cried herself to sleep again. She’d lost everything that mattered in her life, maybe losing him wasn’t as big a surprise as she thought it was.


	216. Chapter 216

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the other half to 215

_ ‘Cause it’s all stuck in my subconscious built up from every day _ _   
_ _ So I’m stuck with these nightmares where you’re gone and so far away _ _   
_ _ And when I wake up I realise that everything’s still wrong _ _   
_ _ I’m still here and you’re still gone, it’s not fair _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause either way I spin it separation seems so wrong _ _   
_ _ These breaks are far too long for me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sleep, Everyone” by Powerspace_ **

He knew that this possibly wasn’t fair on Merri. In fact, he knew that it wasn’t fair on her. He also knew that this was all in his mind, and it wasn’t really anything that was likely to happen, but since Linda had left he’d become far more protective of his heart, and he was too afraid that Merri would realise she was far out of his league and leave him too. Every day she showed that she deserved a lot more than him.

Honestly, that was a nightmare scenario, and it was one that he was stuck with all because of his own fears. Merri being gone, distant, pulling away from him because he couldn’t take the strain and eventually moving on, finding someone else, someone who wasn’t him. Possibly rekindling with her ex or something entirely knew. He knew it was coming. Those nightmares and dreams haunted his sleep.

Then he’s wake up and realise that those dreams weren’t only dreams, but there was truth to them as well. He had legitimately pushed her away, stopped turning up at her place. He’d seen how she’d looked at him while they were walking the second line and he’d panicked, he’d not been able to see that she was looking at him because she loved him, and now everything was wrong.

He was still there, in his bed in the office and she was still gone, in her bed halfway across the city, or solving one of her cold cases that she worked on when she couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t fair that they were apart, and it was all his fault. He couldn’t really think of a way to fix it either. There was no way to fix it.

Whatever way he looked at it now this separation was wrong. He should have trusted her all along when she said that this was what she wanted and what she needed. He had thought that he knew best but she had proven him wrong. This whole situation had proven him wrong. He needed her to breathe and he couldn’t have her. This was all too long for him, and he was going to have to live with it.


	217. Chapter 217

_ Grey, quiet and tired and mean _ _   
_ _ Picking at a worried seam _ _   
_ _ I try to make you mad at me _ _   
_ _ Over the phone _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Gotta Have You” by The Weepies_ **

The whole world appeared grey to her tonight. No matter how much everyone else was celebrating and appeared happy about the fallout, she wasn’t happy, she wasn’t in the mood to celebrate, and she wasn’t really ready to move on. She wasn’t ready to pretend that none of this was still affecting her like it seemed everyone wanted her to.

Instead she was stood alone, thinking about how the universe had been so mean to her, how it had decided that she was going to get an unfair amount of horrible things happen to her. It wasn’t at all fair, and she wasn’t sure she could keep up with it any longer. She needed a break.

Her parents, her former fiance, everybody was getting the same distant treatment from her, and she had purposefully tried to make everyone mad at her, in person, on the phone, it was a way to break away, to make it hurt less if things didn’t go her way. but as always, there had been one person completely immune to her.

Merri would never understand how Dwayne Pride was immune to her many annoying habits and her purposeful attempts to bring attention to them, but somehow he was, and he just stood there, his arm wrapped around her shoulder in support, not letting her feel like she was alone. She may not say it, but that mattered to her more than he would ever know.


	218. Chapter 218

_ Kiss me again underneath the moonlight _ _   
_ _ You're more than a friend I knew it from the first sight _ _   
_ _ Hold me feel my heartbeat _ _   
_ _ Put your arms around me _ _   
_ _ And kiss me again _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Kiss Me Again” by We Are The In Crowd_ **

After all the troubles they’d been having over the last year she couldn’t really believe that they were here. This wasn’t something she would have ever thought they’d be able to do. She thought he would have run a long way away from her when it was clear that her life was less than ordinary. Instead he’d dug his heels in and was stood there with her, promising her that he wasn’t going to run away this time.

Now they were at a summer party, late in the evening, dancing along with the quiet music coming from the house. His hand on her hip while here’s was on his shoulder, dancing gently around, laughing about the fact it felt like some sort of romcom where they would probably find out something terrible was going to happen. That only happened in the movies. Here they were just two people.

She loved the feeling of being the centre of his attention, knowing that no matter what happened next, for these brief moments she was the whole centre of his attention. Not their friends, not the situation they were in, nothing. It was just the two of them, dancing here, pretending that there wasn’t a single care in the world that could tear their attention from one another.

When they met she’d known that he was going to be more than a friend. She’d tried to fight it and Lord knew he had too, but it had been futile in the end. They’d both given in and now this is where they were. Stood with their arms around one another, holding tightly, and all she wanted to make this night perfect was for him to kiss her again. It had been such a long time, but she knew they were meant to be together, and this was the perfect opportunity to show it.


	219. Chapter 219

_ I need a little more luck than a little bit _ _   
_ _ 'Cause every time I get stuck the words won't fit _ _   
_ _ And every time that I try I get tongue tied _ _   
_ _ I'll need a little good luck to get me by _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tongue Tied” by Fabre Drive_ **

He wanted to tell her how he felt about her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her more than life itself, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happy, showing her that the world wasn’t the horrible place she’d come to think of it as being.

Then the words would get confused in his mouth and they would stay there, and he just couldn’t get out how much he cared about her, how much he wanted for her to just be safe and protected and never alone again. But he couldn’t say it. He’d tried and it never came out how he wanted it to.

He had a way with words, that’s what people always told him, but not when it came to her. Somehow when it came to her his tongue tangled up and he couldn’t change anything. He needed all the luck in the world to be able to say what he wanted. Maybe he could get it, he didn’t know, but he’d do it one day, he swore that to himself.


	220. Chapter 220

_ I've been staring at the hotel ceiling drinking everything I've found this evening _ _   
_ _ Trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling _ _   
_ _ So I'll never let you go, don't you leave me lonely _ _   
_ _ Start to see this, everyone I know cannot believe this _ _   
_ _ Trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling _ _   
_ _ So I'll never let you go, don't you leave me lonely now _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hotel Ceiling” by Rixton_ **

She was drunk. The drunkest that she could remember being but she didn’t feel like she was in trouble, because she wasn’t alone. She was there with the one person who could keep her safe no matter what the situation. He had shown up and pulled her into his arms and let her break down.

Letting him go now was unthinkable, and he had promised to never leave her lonely. He was just as drunk as she was by this point, and she didn’t regret it at all. As they sat there together she started to see why everyone thought they were a couple, their friends, everyone, they couldn’t believe they were just friends.

It was one of the sweetest feelings she’d ever gotten to experience, but she wasn’t sorry about it. She was going to try and hold on to that feeling for as long as she could. No matter what the cost. She didn’t want to let him go, and she hoped that he meant it when he said he didn’t either.


	221. Chapter 221

_ Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding. Fall into your sunlight _ _   
_ _ The future’s open wide, beyond believing. To know why, hope dies. _ _   
_ _ Losing what was found, a world so hollow. Suspended in a compromise. _ _   
_ _ The silence of the sound, is soon to follow. Somehow, sundown.  _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Shattered” by Trading Yesterday_ **

She had felt like she died back then, like everything was going to bleed out of her and there would be nothing of her left, then Dwayne Pride had stepped up and shown her that she had a life, a family, and somewhere where she was both loved and wanted. He had been like a beam of sunlight in an otherwise dark universe, and she had gravitated toward that.

When her hope had died he’d picked her up again, helped her dust herself off. He’d shown her that no matter what happened her future was as open as anyone’s, she wasn’t going to be defined by the mistakes she’d made in the past. She could make what she wanted of herself and she could prove the skeptics and the disbelievers wrong. She knew that he was expecting too much, but still she believed him.

Every time she felt lost, or like there was nothing there, he came and he reminded her that she had everything to live for. Everything that she was once too afraid to want. A family, a home, a life that wasn’t just about her work. He’d never left her side for even a second. 

Silence was now a luxury. Her family home was so full of noise and aroma these days that these silent moments were both something to be treasured and something to be rejoiced. Within a few moments the shouts of “mom” would begin again, and her husband would bring their children home.

All it had taken was one man not letting her slip away from him, and now she had more than she ever thought she’d have. She would never forget that.


	222. Chapter 222

_ And I’m sorry but this is my fate _ _   
_ _ Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay _ _   
_ _ And I’m sorry but I’ve waited too long _ _   
_ _ So here’s my goodbye, no one will cry over me _ _   
_ _ I’m not worth any tears _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Goodbye (I’m Sorry) by Jamestown Story_ **

She was destined to never really fit in anywhere, that was the story of her life, and very rarely did she ever go anywhere where people would actually want her to stay. She was just a person who filled in a role. Rarely was she anything more than a body on the line.

Every so often she’d wait around, wait to see if they had an opinion on her and that was what she needed. Just to see if she could make an impression. Often she ended up waiting too long, and the disappointments were bitter.

Then she went to New Orleans and they became the exception that proved the rule. 

When she tried to say goodbye they had pulled her back. When she’d argued that she wasn’t worth their concern, their worry, their tears. They had shown her that she was a part of their family. They wanted her around, and she wanted to be there.

So maybe she did matter after all.


	223. Chapter 223

_ I get distracted by the greener grass _ _   
_ _ But I always find it blankets paths of broken glass _ _   
_ _ I tell myself I’ll find my way back home _ _   
_ _ But getting lost is so easy on your own _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Concrete” by As It Is_ **

She’d had a good life, a happy job, good friends. Then someone had come along and tried to tempt her to something better. Tried to convince her that she’d be happy elsewhere, doing other things. That she’d be better away from the things that she’d gotten comfortable with, that she needed to challenge herself.

She’d been sold a bill of goods, and they weren’t at all delivered upon. The path was long and arduous and she was so far away now from everything that she’d ever known. Never had she regretted a decision more than this one, but she couldn’t help it. It was always going to be her one big regret.

How long it had been since she’d left she didn’t know, but walking through that old familiar door she saw the same people she had depended on, and the one who had made her want to turn her life around. The one she knew returning to would help her to heal.

“I need help.” She said simply, and the arms that wrapped her up were enough to prove to her that she was home. She had run, she had tried to get away from the past by never facing it. But this place was home and she managed to make it home. Getting lost was so easy, but hopefully now she wouldn’t be alone any more. Hopefully she’d have him to help her.


	224. Chapter 224

_ In the heat of summer sunshine _ _   
_ _ I'll miss you like nobody else _ _   
_ _ In the heat of summer sunshine _ _   
_ _ I'll kiss you and nobody needs to know _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Summer Sunshine” by The Corrs_ **

It had only been two weeks, two weeks away from her home and family and she’d missed them all more than she could ever consider. Sure, maybe she didn’t have the most stable future in front of her and maybe she was always going to regret what had happened in May, but she was home, and this was where she needed to be.

The only thing she’d ever missed more than her odd family in New Orleans was her sister, and Merri knew that Emily would have approved of them all, especially how they had rallied around her when she’d needed them more than she could have ever said. They hadn’t needed to be prompted, they’d just known, and they’d been there.

Now, in the heat of the Louisiana summer, they were on the boat, Chris and Sonja were arguing about fishing, trying to use Sebastian a a referee, Loretta was asleep in the sun, and Merri was getting to do her absolute favourite thing, helping King prepare the barbecue. It was an excuse for the two of them to be close together, and clearly nobody had the heart to break them hope.

This place was the only place she felt like they could be who they wanted to be, and as they just enjoyed the day with their friend she smiled, feeling him leaning in to kiss her again. Since they’d crossed that bridge they had liked to find these quiet, private moments to display the change to their relationship.

Nobody needed to know, but here they were with their friends, people who would keep the secret, and Merri just couldn’t be happier that she had this family. She didn’t know the role she played yet, but it was there, and she wasn’t going to think about the future. She was just going to live in this perfect moment with her family, forever.


	225. Chapter 225

_ Everybody hurts some days _ _   
_ _ It's okay to be afraid _ _   
_ _ Everybody hurts, everybody screams _ _   
_ _ Everybody feels this way and it's okay _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Everybody Hurts” by Avril Lavigne_ **

He was hurt, he was beaten down, and he didn’t know exactly how to pull himself out of the hole he was now all but buried in. The exit seemed so far away. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn’t been totally emotionally destroyed as well.

On top of all of this, he was terrified about his future. What life would he have if he was forced out of this place he called home. What would he do, how would he survive? He didn’t know how to deal with all of this.

People told him that it was natural to feel this way after what had happened, that it was normal for them to be afraid, to be hurt and worried and ashamed. He didn’t want to feel any of these things, but he did, and he couldn’t stop.

So maybe the fact he could hide away was better for him.


	226. Chapter 226

_ I can hear you breathe  _ _   
_ _ I’m feeling the shake and the sound of my heartbeat _ _   
_ _ Can’t let go _ _   
_ _ Do you know _ _   
_ _ I’m feeling the pain of my first love _ _   
_ _ I won’t let go, can’t let go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sirens” by Angels and Airwaves_ **

Her breath was the only sound in the room that he could hear, and that was perfectly fine. It was a pleasant sound, and it reminded him that she was really there. He didn’t remember if he’d been this nervous after his first night with Linda, but he didn’t think he had been.

Even though she was gripping his hand tightly, he was sure she could feel the shake as his heart pounded. The sound mingling with her breaths in his ears. It was probably one of the most intoxicating thoughts and sounds he’d heard in a long time.

Knowing where this was likely to go, he made a pledge already that he wasn’t going to let this go. He couldn’t, not after this.

He felt how much losing Linda had hurt, and he felt that every day, but Merri was a whole new start, and they understood each other on a level that he and Linda had never actually managed to get to, despite years and years of trying to get there.

So if he finally had a chance to be happy again, he was going to hold it with both hands, and never let go.


	227. Chapter 227

And maybe, I’ll find out   
A way to make it back someday   
To watch you, to guide you   
Through the darkest of your days _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling_ **

_ Dear Messie, _

_ I don’t know how long I can keep this to myself, this secret that I’m holding, and I don’t know what will happen. He’s already threatened me and I know he can get away with more than I could ever tell you in a letter. He’s not who I thought he was. _

_ What I want to write is just a worst-case message, and something that I hope you find one day. You loved this book when we were kids, so maybe one day you’ll open it and you’ll see this. _

_ If the worst happens, and it really might, then I want you to know that I will fight my hardest to come back to you. You’re my best friend and I can’t imagine being without you, so I’m sure you feel the same about me. I will find a way to make it back, I promise. _

_ Whatever happens, know that I’ll be watching you, and I promise you that I will bring people into your life who will help you, who will love you. People who will be able to treat you the way I do. People who won’t let you hide away, people who won’t let you be a wallflower, people who will be there in the darkest of moments. _

_ At the very least, I hope that when you think of me you can smile, and know that I’m always with you. I love you Messiemoo. _

_ Emmie. xxx _


	228. Chapter 228

_ Tell me the chance hasn’t passed us by _ _   
_ _ Cause baby the stars have never shined so bright _ _   
_ _ Nothing can stop us out here _ _   
_ _ Let’s just take tonight, tonight slow _ _   
_ _ I just want to see where this, where this goes _ _   
_ _ I need you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight I Love You” by The Latency_ **

Why did he always feel like the opportunity for them had flown by them in her early days and weeks here, and ever since they’d continually been in a holding pattern of slightly understated and unreleased tension. He knew it was there, he was pretty sure she knew it was there, but neither of them addressed it.

However tonight they were out on the balcony together after everyone else had gone on to their own celebrations. It was the 4th and there were happy people going by below them, and fireworks going off in every direction. The stars seemed to be shining the brightest they ever did, and as he stood there looking at her they seemed to be dancing in her eyes as she laughed at whatever stupid joke he’d just managed to tell. 

He’d known she was a very beautiful woman since the moment she’d arrived, but how had it never settled on him until now, and how had it taken him until now to realise that he didn’t have to stop if neither of them had a problem. Stepping closer to her, he slid his hand to her cheek, unable to resist doing what felt so natural after the months of build up.

The first kiss was slow, and she seemed to be in the same position as him, just lingering over the fact that one of them had finally taken the leap and closed the ever shortening gap between them. He’d needed it, and it seemed like the had too. If the truth was told, he would take everything slow, but at the same time he didn’t want too. He wanted to deliver on the promise between them immediately.

But he also wanted to see where this would go, as she meant too much for him to rush in and potentially mess up the only meaningful relationship he had. Everything could wait, as long as they both wanted. The one thing he was determined of was that he wouldn’t push her broken heart further than he needed, and he’d be there every step of the way, no matter what happened. That was love.


	229. Chapter 229

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might make this a full AU.

_ You’ve got the words to change a nation _ _   
_ _ But you’re biting your tongue _ _   
_ _ You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence _ _   
_ _ Afraid you’ll say something wrong _ _   
_ _ If no-one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Read All About It” by Emeli Sande_ **

“Why do you stay so silent, Merri? You could be a real asset to some people.” Politicians who knew her mother always seemed to be trying to turn her to their side, just wanting her to buy into their version of the events going on in the world.

“I’m not a politician, I’m a federal agent and I have a job to do.” She loved her job, and she wasn’t going to leave for any reason.

“You could change so much, if you didn’t stay silent you could help us change the world, provide more protections for your victims.” That was a low blow, and suddenly Merri didn’t want to dignify him with a reply.

“I stay silent for a very good reason, and I’m not going to break the confidences I hold. I’m sorry, I’m turning you down.” She still didn’t believe this was a serious offer, but she was going to refuse as professionally as she could.

“You know, I know you’re afraid of letting people down, but damn I thought you had a backbone. Instead you’re cowering away in case you say something wrong.” There was a hint of derision in the politician’s mouth, and Merri wondered if he wondered how ironic it was that he was here trying to get her onside by talking about letting people down.

“No, I know what I could do, and if I said the wrong thing then so be it, but the truth is that that doesn’t happen, and I am changing the world.”  She was wrong as often as she was right, but that didn’t mean that she thought that this was the best thing to do.

“Don’t you want to matter, Merri?” An uncomfortable flashback to Russo saying those exact words to her a few months earlier hit her almost across the face and she had to freeze before figuring out how to reply.

“I already do matter, this is how I make my mark.” She knew that she was doing the right thing, and she was ready to end this meeting and go back to work. She could do some goo when she was there.


	230. Chapter 230

_ So let me take you out tonight, all that I could show you _ _   
_ _ Breathe these city lights, let the beat control you _ _   
_ _ You’ll forget your life, everything they told you _ _   
_ _ You could lose your mind, if you want I’ll show you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight” by With Confidence_ **

James had been staying with her now for a week, and she had decided it was time the two of them stopped moping. “Come on, J.” She called one night, planning a night out to all her favourite places. They could take it all in, and it would be perfect.

“Where are we going?” He asked hesitantly, and it was clear that he wasn’t really sure, probably still not really feeling up to it.

“Everywhere.” After two years in New Orleans she knew that she could show him a good night out. Especially after the stories he’d been covering recently. He needed the night out.

She could help him forget his life, forget everything that he needed to forget. It would be just the two of them, breathing in the atmosphere and joy that was this city. It was something she was excited to share with him, especially since it was desperately needed.

Really, she needed it too.


	231. Chapter 231

_ I tried to believe you but something is wrong _ _   
_ _ You won’t look in my eyes tell me what’s going on _ _   
_ _ It’s you and me against the world that’s what you said _ _   
_ _ If you can’t be honest with me then I guess this is the end _ _   
_ \-- **_”Stuttering_ ** **” by Fefe Dobson**

They all kept telling her that she wasn’t to blame, that none of this was her fault and that she was as much a victim as any of the dozens of others who had struggled through everything. She wasn’t so sure, and the fact that she just felt like everyone else was avoiding her, she knew there was something wrong.

None of them would look in her eyes, they wouldn’t tell her how they felt about everything that had happen. Nobody seemed to be able to just be straight with her and that was bothering her more than she’d care to admit.

Especially since he wouldn’t look at her either. He was suddenly pushing her away, keeping his distance. He’d promised her that it was always the two of them, and she’d never have to face anything alone again.

But the truth was that they were going to have to end this grand experiment if they couldn’t be honest with her. She could find somewhere else, and maybe there they wouldn’t have the same problems. **__**

 


	232. Chapter 232

_And I’d do the best that I can_ _  
_ _To fuck up all your plans_ _  
_ _You’re as blind as the eyes that you steal_ _  
_ _I hope your wounds will never heal_ _  
_ _And I hate every breath that you take_ _  
_ _‘Cause I feel and I kneel and I break_ _  
_ _And I know and I know what it costs_ _  
_ _Because I am always lost_  
\-- ** _”Godzilla”_** **by With Confidence**

Russo wanted to destroy them all. She knew that now and she wasn’t going to let him do that. No matter how much she’d liked him, she wasn’t going to let him destroy her home. She wasn’t going to let him hurt her family.

So, her plan was simple. Do the best she could to fuck up his plans. Merri wasn’t even going to pretend she had more of a plan than that.

What was the worst part was that she knew even though he was a horrible person, he would draw attention, and those people were blind to him, just as she had been.

When this was all over, she hoped that he’d never be given a chance to heal from this. He was trusted, and he had betrayed that.

Hatred was something she was unaccustomed too. She didn’t even hate Baitfish. But Russo had broken what was left in her.

She knew the cost of doing nothing, that was why she was so lost now. 

 


	233. Chapter 233

_I've got more secrets than you'll ever know_ _  
_ _Another year and you won't let it go_ _  
_ _Too many times I told myself to hold on_ _  
_ _But it's too late for me, now I'm as good as gone_  
\-- ** _”Secrets”_** **by State Champs**

He had been asking her for information as long as he’d known her, and while they were younger, and before she was a senior officer it was kind of endearing. Now it was just driving her mad. He knew that she couldn’t tell him anything but at times like this it was hard to brush off his question.

She didn’t think that he’d ever really let it go, he was a journalist, and while she loved him that job made him far too persistent. He wasn’t going to stop asking her, and another year had passed and he was still asking her for information.

Today though… She’d told herself not to do anything, not to given in to the temptation. Yet she’d called him on her private cell, and she was determined that she was going to get this out.

“Go speak to Harris Barker, just trust me.” it was a leak, and she was going to pay for it in the long run. But she didn’t agree with the boss on this, and she actually didn’t really care about the consequences.

 


	234. Chapter 234

_I heard that you’ve been_ _  
_ _Having some trouble_ _  
_ _Finding your place in the world_ _  
_ _I know how much that hurts_ _  
_ _And if you need a friend_ _  
_ _Then please just say the word_  
\-- ** _”Missing You”_** **by All Time Low**

“James?”

“Hey, your mum called. She said you probably needed a friend and since I know you don’t have any I thought I would offer.”

“You’re still an asshole I see.”

“That’s never going to change. What’s going on?”

“Emily was murdered, I’m sure of it. That’s what these pictures are leading me to, but I have no idea how to prove it.”

“How would you normally prove a cold case. Explain it to me, maybe I can help.”

“Well…”

 


	235. Chapter 235

_No more apologies from me_ _  
_ _My arms are tired of picking up what I put down_ _  
_ _You're all I think of... still_ _  
_ _I'm gonna miss you everyday_ _  
_ _I turn my back on anyone who won't believe_ _  
_ _And it gets lonely... still_  
\-- ** _”Hang You Up”_** **by Yellowcard**

She was fed up of saying sorry. She was fed up of starting over, starting fresh, trying to hide who and what she was. She was a screw up and she was going to own that now.

She kept trying to start over, but it was not working, and that was making life difficult for everyone she knew. She’d put something down and immediately have to try and fix it because someone would say she was wrong.

When she closed her eyes, Emily was the one she was trying to fix, everything else was just a handy excuse. It wasn’t what she was really doing, all roads led back to Emily.

Missing her sister was something that was going to be a daily occurrence and she needed to just get over it but she couldn’t. She never would and she didn’t care what anyone said. She wasn’t going to be able to give up Emily as easily as they wanted her to.

She was lonely, and she was always going to be lonely, until she saw Emily again.

 


	236. Chapter 236

_Oh darling I love you so_ _  
_ _If you’d ask me for my heart_ _  
_ _There’s no way that I’d say no_ _  
_ _Oh darling just take a chance please_ _  
_ _So we can stay together_ _  
_ _‘Til hell starts to freeze_  
\-- ** _”Oh Darling”_** **by Plug In Stereo**

It had been a long time since he’d fallen in love with someone quite so hard as he had this time. Given he’d been married for the last two decades that probably wasn’t all that surprising.

She’s told him that he should just ask her on a date, that was the only way she was ever going to help him move this forward, but he had been so afraid to do that. She had told him that she felt the same about him too, but she didn’t want to rush it this time.

He wanted her to take a chance on him. He wanted her to accept that they could do this, but she was as afraid as he was.

When they crossed the line, he had no intention of ever falling again. She was the last chance for him, and he wanted to make it work for them both.


	237. Chapter 237

_There’s a moment in time and it’s stuck in my mind_ _  
_ _Way back when we were just kids_ _  
_ _‘Cause your eyes told the tale of an act of betrayal_ _  
_ _I knew what somebody did_  
\-- ** _”Kristy, Are You Doing”_** **by The Offspring**

His mind kept flashing back to the first time he’d ever met her. It had been over 10 years, and sometimes it was hard to believe the woman in front of him was the same woman as the girl he’d met all those years ago. Back then she’d been hopeful still, and she had still had some hope for the future.

She didn’t have any hope now, he could see that as he stood there, looking down at her just wishing that he could take away all the pain and suffering that she’d been through since that fateful day when they’d first met.

Now, her eyes told the stories of all the bitterness, the betrayals, the horrible things that had been done to her over the years. She hadn’t deserved any of it. She was better than that, and despite all those things that had tried to break her she was stood there in front of them, trying to put it all behind her and do her job as she’d always done it before.

He knew what had happened to her, and he wished that he could have been there to prevent it. What he could do was tell his friend how much she meant to him, and ask that he keep his eyes on her. He would wish her luck in a new city, and maybe this new start for her would be enough.

 


	238. Chapter 238

_ So here's another day I'll spend away from you _ _   
_ _ Another night I'm on another broken avenue _ _   
_ _ My bag is ripped and worn, then again then so am I _ _   
_ _ Take what you wanna, take what you wanna take _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Cross My Heart” by Marianas Trench_ **

Did they even know where she was, did they really even care. She’d been clean for 7 years, but she hadn’t been able to stay away when she’d been left alone. It was a bad idea for her not to have stayed with friend or family, but she thought she’d be able to resist.

Now she was a month on and she was on some dead end street with a guy who’s name she didn’t even think she’d known, getting anything she could off him, before returning to the house she was staying in just to hide away again.

She was so broken and torn now that nobody would want her back anyway. She didn’t deserve the friends she’d had there, and she certainly didn’t deserve to go back to the place where she’d failed.

So she was just going to let people take whatever it was they wanted from her, then before long she’d just drift off. It might even be peaceful.

 


	239. Chapter 239

_ You’ve lived through so much and seen so many things _ _   
_ _ Through your eyes and I wish you could just see _ _   
_ _ If it were up to me I would construct a key  _ _   
_ _ To your heart and finally set you free _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Humans” by The Scene Aesthetic_ **

How had he let her go when he knew that she was struggling. She’d made it through so many things and done so much. All of this was his fault, and he missed her so much already. He should have protected her more, he should have seen that she was so close to breaking. This close to breaking.

On the other side of it, he wished that she could see that he was there for her no matter what. She would always, always be the first in his heart and mind, but she couldn’t see that and he really wished that she could.

She held herself so tightly wound that she was broken by it all. She couldn’t let go and she wouldn’t let him prove that to her. If he could set her free then he would.


	240. Chapter 240

_ Sometimes I watched you standing at the back gates _ _   
_ _ Dressed up and talking to a new face _ _   
_ _ You don't know why you can't sleep at night _ _   
_ _ Get off this rollercoaster ride _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When I Found You” by Amber Pacific_ **

Pride saw her stood there talking to a new person in the bar, and he realised exactly how often he’d done this. She liked to stay at the back, away from all the others, and just talk to so many people. It was part of why she was so good at her job, she liked to watch and pay attention to everyone else. She liked to never be noticed.

But he always noticed her. When she was dressed up like that he couldn’t take his eyes off her, and she was always so sad when she seemed to be such a long way away from the rest of them. Merri was beautiful, but she never seemed happy any more, and sometimes Pride just wished that she was happier.

He knew that she claimed she knew why she didn’t sleep, but he was pretty sure that she didn’t any more. Not since they’d solved Emily’s case. Now she was just awake, and she needed to get off the rollercoaster that was her life and take a deep breath. Take time to have a good night.


	241. Chapter 241

_ I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it _ _   
_ _ I don’t believe it makes me real _ _   
_ _ I thought it’d be easy, but no-one believes me _ _   
_ _ I meant all the things that I said _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pieces” by Sum 41_ **

All that she’d ever wanted to be was perfect. All she’d ever wanted to be was the best agent, the best daughter, the best girlfriend. She wanted everything to be perfect and all the effort she’d put into that was wasted, because she wasn’t at all worth it. 

She still wasn’t perfect, she wasn’t even necessarily a good one. It didn’t make her feel real and it was far too difficult to keep up.

So the fact she thought that it would be easy was a failure enough. She really shouldn’t have thought that it would be easy.

Nobody had believed her when she said that she was innocent, nobody had believed when she said she knew Emily had been murdered, and nobody really believed her when she said that she wasn’t the bad guy.

She had meant every word of everything that she’d said. She always would, and she’d keep repeating it until someone believed her.

Hopefully, someone, would one day believe her.


	242. Chapter 242

_ I can not hold this anymore _ _   
_ _ My hands are tired of only waiting to let go _ _   
_ _ And I am waiting still _ _   
_ _ I used to know which way to turn _ _   
_ _ You were a light inside a tunnel in my head _ _   
_ _ I try to follow still _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hang You Up” by Yellowcard_ **

She couldn’t hold on anymore, she just couldn’t. She’d been trying to be strong for so long, for as long as she possibly could have been, but she was broken now and the oblivion she was thinking about seemed far more inviting than trying to continue as she had been doing.

Fighting against every fibre of her being to let go was what she had tried to do and she really just wanted to give up but it wasn’t the right time. She was always going to be waiting because she couldn’t just give up.

She used to know what was the best thing for her to do, what was the best for anyone to do. Most of that because of the people who were actually guiding her through the previous cases. That was everything that she’d needed.

Even though she’d disappeared on them, she was still actually trying to follow all of the things that they’d set out for her. They were a good barometer of what she should do, and she was going to keep going, as long as she could.


	243. Chapter 243

_ So turn up the corners of your lips _ _   
_ _ Part them and feel my finger tips _ _   
_ _ Trace the moment, fall forever _ _   
_ _ Defence is paper thin _ _   
_ _ Just one touch and I’d be in _ _   
_ _ Too deep now to ever swim against the current _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional_ **

His finger was sliding along her lips and she couldn’t actually help the smiled that broke out across her face. She couldn’t be happier about this situation, and she didn’t imagine that it would ever go this way.

She was already falling too deeply in love with the man stood tracing the moment on her lips. Or should she say, back in love with him. They’d been in love for many years and now, the more this repeated the more she fell in love with him. 

Pushing him away wasn’t the option. She was in far too deep from the moment that he’d put his finger on her lips. She was sinking, deeper and deeper. She just had to go with it now though, because this was perfect.

She then stepped up and kissed him deeply, deciding that it was time. She was ready.


	244. Chapter 244

_ I know, I know how to drive you wild _ _   
_ _ You know, you know how to make me smile _ _   
_ _ But I need you to be _ _   
_ _ My ancient history _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ancient History” by Set If Off_ **

She knew how to make him lose his mind for her, and she actually didn’t mind that she had that knowledge. She knew what buttons to press, she knew how to press and challenge him. She knew where his lines were and when it was appropriate to cross them. There was one thing that Meredith Brody was an expert on, and that thing was James Lathom.

The problem was, that his specialist subject just happened to be her. He knew how to make her smile. He knew how to stop her from blaming herself even when she was hitting the bottom, again and again. James was the only person who could get through to her when she was at the bottom of the barrel.

Merri wasn’t entirely sure that she could keep going like this, so they needed to make a decision, and it was one that she should have made years ago. She either needed him to leave for good, or she needed him to be all in. She couldn’t do this anymore.

“James, we need to talk…”

 


	245. Chapter 245

 

_This place is a hole but I don't wanna_ _  
_ _I wish we could stay here forever, alone_ _  
_ _This time that we waste, but I still love your taste_ _  
_ _Don't let him take my place_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Lover Dearest” by Marianas Trench_ **

Roaches scuttling across worktops and the sound of mice in the walls wasn’t enough to make them leave this place. This place was their sanctuary, their home, and it was where she felt safe right now. It was a shit hole but it had kept them protected from the outside world.

Wishing that they wouldn’t have to leave was all they could do, but it was too dangerous now. Nobody could protect them anymore, the case she’d testified in was done and she was about to be released from this hell. She was going to be able to have a life again.

In her mind she could still taste the one she’d left behind. They’d had one perfect night then she’d been whisked into this insane situation. For two years she’d been in this, and their safety was over. They needed to go make a new safe place, and she knew exactly there that could be.

“Come on, kiddo. It’s time I introduce you to your daddy.”


	246. Chapter 246

_Years pass, we're growing older and you're not sure you can wait_ _  
_ _So I promise it won't always be like this_ _  
_ _You say “it's always the same”, we're falling apart if you think so_ _  
_ _I'm holding on even if you let go_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Only Place I Call Home” by Every Avenue_ **

How long had he been waiting now, she didn’t even know. He had never pushed her further than she’d been willing to go, and he left her to make all the decisions. She was the one who was always running. She was the one who wouldn’t commit to him. Sure, back then he had made the decision, but now it was her. “James, next year, I promise.”

“You say that every year MB, but then you just disappear again.” He didn’t sound angry, or bitter, or even sad. He just sounded resigned, as if he had always expected for it to go this way. Once upon a time she had given him her entire heart and then they’d been torn apart. Now she needed to heal her heart before she dived in.

“It won’t always be like this.” She could say that, because she was healing. She was regaining her ability to care about him, her ability to trust absolutely everybody. Both of those things had been almost stolen from her over the last few years, and she just hadn’t been ready to get help until recently. Now she wanted to rebuild her life, and that included James.

“Prove it.” He demanded, showing the first bit of fight since she’d brought up this conversation. She knew that they both wanted so much more, but obviously right now she wasn’t the only one having issues believing what the other was saying. “You can’t, because you’re not really ready to let me in.”

“J… you may give up on us but I’m not doing that this time.” That was the simple fact. She always gave up, but this time she wanted to make it work. She wanted to have James to come home to when she was done with work, so she was ready for this. She believed they could make it through. “I always believe in us. We’ll get there.”

“Call me when you’re ready to let me in, Meredith.” He said, then kissed her cheek and just picked his bag up. She didn’t blame him for leaving, and she didn’t blame him for being fed up of her always pushing him off. She would work on that and this time she was determined. She was going to give him the opportunity to come in. She needed him, it was time.

 


	247. Chapter 247

_Does he watch your favourite movies, does he hold you when you cry_ _  
_ _Does he let you tell him of your favourite parts when you've seen it a million times_ _  
_ _Does he sing to all your music as you dance to “Purple Rain”_ _  
_ _Does he do all these things like I used to?_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Like We Used To” by A Rocket To The Moon_ **

Finding out the woman you loved was with a new guy was always hard, but it was even worse when it was an _old_ guy. She had broken up with him God alone knew how many times, yet she always ended up back with him when she was having a problem. Whenever she needed a warm body to fill her bed.

Over the last year they’d gotten close, he’d been there to hold her close and wipe her tears. They’d watched movies together then he’d sat through her replays of her favourite scenes. He had loved those nights. He’d also loved getting to see her dance around when she was at ease as they sang along with whatever was on the radio.

They’d been closer than anyone else, and he didn’t understand why she didn’t see him as more than a friend. Maybe he needed to be more forward, but if she was happy what right did he have to say anything.

He just hoped that the ex did all these things.


	248. Chapter 248

_Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight, I know he's there and_ _  
_ _You're probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares_ _  
_ _I'll bet he'll get the nerve to walk the floor_ _  
_ _And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes_ _  
_ _\--_ **_”Miserable At Best” by Mayday Parade_ **

He was hers. She didn’t care about his friends, his girlfriend, they were just incidental. As soon as he saw her he would fall madly in love and forget about all these people. She was sure of that. They had had a connection.

She knew that the girlfriend was with her man. They were probably just about getting into the bar, and they’d pretend they barely knew each other, that they were still professional. But She saw through it all.

They’d then walk over to each other, they’d flirt, they’d dance. Then they’d leave and head to her place and fall in through the door. She knew their routine. She would make them all pay for this.

All she needed to do was get rid of the girlfriend. If she did that, then he could be all hers. That was the plan she needed to put into action.

 


	249. Chapter 249

_ Don’t wanna wear no suit and tie _ _   
_ _ I gotta live before I die _ _   
_ _ So I’m done done done _ _   
_ _ With this ordinary life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ordinary Life” by Simple Plan_ **

What had made her think that she could do this. She had never been the type to be behind a desk. She’d never been the type to be stuck in a boring suit and a briefcase. She looked like corporate officers and that was not who she was. She’d tried working with her mother but she missed her job.

Her job had been her life, and without that drive it turned out that she didn’t feel like she was living any longer. She felt that she was stagnating and she missed the rush of chasing a suspect and the feeling of comforting a family that had a terrible loss. She had been good at that.

Trying the ordinary life had been worth it, but it was now obvious that she wasn’t cut out for it. She needed to go back to her real life.


	250. Chapter 250

_ And you've been wishing but you don't know how to stay _ _   
_ _ And I've been broken but I'm better every day _ _   
_ _ So don't stop, no stopping it yet _ _   
_ _ What if the one true love's the only one that you get? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”One Love” by Marianas Trench_ **

He’d told her that he was going to be at home, that he wasn’t due out on assignment again for a while as he’d gotten a gig reporting at home. He’d moved to another city but had sent his address in case she ever needed anything. today, she needed a lot, and she had turned up on his doorstep out of the blue. After knocking on the door she wasn’t sure what kind of reception she should expect. “Meredith?”

“Can I stay here?” That was all she was going to say on the topic of why she was there right now. He didn’t need to know anything more, and she didn’t want to share it even if he did. Eventually she’d tell him, but not right now. There were other things they could talk about between now and then.

“Of course.” He just nodded, but didn’t make a step to move and she realised that he was actually just entirely surprised that she was there on his doorstep at this time in the evening. Not that she could really blame him, they hadn’t spoken in a while and she’d just turned up. “What happened in New Orleans?”

“Everything, nothing.” She had been dreading that question because she didn’t know how to answer it, so her answer was deliberately non-committal. Hopefully, if she asked for him not to push he’d do what he always did and let it slide. That was her hope and prayer, anyway, she couldn’t talk about it yet. “Can we talk about that later.”

“Sure. How long are you here for?” It was a fair question, but Merri hadn’t thought that far ahead. She had just known she needed to get where she was. She couldn’t think about it again, she just couldn’t.

“How long will you have me?” She really would stay for as long as he wanted her to be there. If it was just for one night or if it was for 60 years. The one thing she knew now was that she wasn’t leaving without him, and she wasn’t living without him. Not the way she thought she had been.

“Forever.” It was meant to be glib, but she was fairly certain that it just came out hopeful, and she was hopeful too. Hopeful that it wouldn’t matter that she hadn’t given any warning and hopeful that he was still as free and single as he always seemed to be and really just hopeful that he would open up to her again. Hope was all she had left. 

“Good. That’s what I hoped you’d say.” She smiled then started pulling her suitcase over the threshold, only to have it pulled out of her hand as James took over then pulled her against him and kissed her deeply. That was when she knew that she’d been right all along, and James really was the love of her life. She’d recover, eventually, and all because of him. 


	251. Chapter 251

_ Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl _ _   
_ _ She was absolutely perfect in an imperfect world _ _   
_ _ Forever’s a promise, it’s more than just a word _ _   
_ _ They meant it to each other, of that they were sure _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sleepless in Seattle” by The Strive_ **

Some cases hit home more than others, and this was a desperately sad case. One that had touched them all in different ways. It had made them think about those they loved, those they couldn’t live without, and those they’d had to say goodbye to.

Pulling out his phone though, he needed to call the only person it made him think about. “Brody.” Her answer was clipped, as if she was expecting someone else, someone she didn’t like, and he hoped that it wasn’t for her.

“It’s me.” That was all he needed to say, as he was certain that Merri would know his voice, considering how much time they had spent together.

“King?” The question in her voice almost made him apologise and hang up, but he’d called for a specific reason and he didn’t want to chicken out of it when he needed to tell her that he loved her.

“I know you didn’t want to hear from me for a while, but I just had to call you and say… I still love you, Meredith, and I’ll keep that promise.” When she’d left he’d promised that literally or figuratively he’d always be by her side, and he had meant it. Forever was more than a promise to him.

“I still love you too.” He heard her choking up a little on those words, and he wondered if this distance was killing her as much as it was killing him. God how he loved her, and he needed her back in his life. “I’ll text you an address, meet me there tomorrow.” 

“I will, I promise.” He smiled a little even through the tears, because she was reaching out and letting him back in. Even if he didn’t tell anyone else, it was something that meant the world to him. Their promise was still active, and they meant it.


	252. Chapter 252

_ And in time it's all a sweet mystery _ _   
_ _ When you shake the tree of temptation _ _   
_ _ And I, I know the fear and the cost _ _   
_ _ Of a paradise lost in frustration _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Flame Still Burns” by Foreigner_ **

She’d had a perfect life at one time. A happy family, a fiance, a good job, a life she loved. But she had lost it all and mostly that had been her own fault. She really wished that she hadn’t pushed everyone away now.

It was no mystery how she had fallen this far, but she had and now she needed to build herself back up. She could do it, but it would take time.

But really, she was too afraid to risk it all again.


	253. Chapter 253

_ We'll take every chance we get _ _   
_ _ And never regret _ _   
_ _ Who we are _ _   
_ _ Or where we come from _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy” by Save Your Breath_ **

Second chance. Third chance. Last chance.

She was trying to take all of them but she didn’t always succeeded, and sometimes they didn’t go how she wanted either.

She didn’t regret that things weren’t going how she planned, but it was something that made her sad.

Working that out could come later.


	254. Chapter 254

_ Slow down make it last, I'm having the time of my life _ _   
_ _ And take a photograph, I don't wanna leave this behind _ _   
_ _ It seems so out of reach, we're holding it right in our hand _ _   
_ _ Let's give up everything, let's jump in and never look back _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”All I Ever Wanted” by Brian Melo_ **

Maybe she was rushing all of this, she didn’t really know anymore if it was even possible for a relationship that had ran over 13 years to be a rush, but it seemed like they’d only just gotten back together. In the last few days. She didn’t even care that it had been all her choices that had slowed things down.

Another snap on her phone and another memory to forward to her mother. She didn’t want to leave this vacation behind, but most of all she didn’t want to leave this man behind. She knew that James Lathom was the man she loved, and now this was the proof that when they focused on each other they could be perfect.

For as long as she could remember this had seemed totally unreachable. She hadn’t wanted to risk anything because if it didn’t work she might lose him for good, and while she could take losing most things, she didn’t think that she could have survived truly losing James from her life. It turned out they’d been holding on for this very reason. “James. I’m coming with you when we leave here.” 

Taking a few moments to just watch his face as he processed those words. He then just reached up and pulled her into his lap where he sat in the sand. “Are you sure, MB?” He was always so careful to make sure that she was doing what she wanted, not what she felt like she had to do.

“I’m done running, because all my running brought me back to you anyway.” She knew that all that running had been for something, but she hadn’t known why. Sitting on this beach in Florida told her what she’d been running for, and what she’d been running to. “I’m in, if you’re in with me.”

“You don’t even need to ask.” James leant forward and kissed her hard than just smiled. She didn’t know what he was going to say and right now she didn’t care. Then he spoke and she couldn’t really believe it, but she also couldn’t refuse. “Marry me, right now. While we’re here. Will you marry me?”

“Yes. I’ll marry you.” She smiled then kissed him again, knowing this was just the first step in the rest of their lives.


	255. Chapter 255

_ Come back and tell me why _ _   
_ _ I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time _ _   
_ _ And meet me there tonight _ _   
_ _ And let me know that it's not all in my mind _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Everything Has Changed” by Julia Sheer and Landon Austin_ **

Where was she? She had said she was going to clear her head and then she’d disappeared. The occasional phone call, always being vague on where she was and who she was with. That worried him, and he just wanted to know that she was OK.

Nothing had been her fault, but she had taken it on and clearly he hadn’t done enough to keep an eye on her. All he felt was a deep sense of loss, and he realised how much he missed her. He couldn’t really think of anything else.

Maybe this was all in his head, maybe she didn’t love him the way that he thought she had. The way that he loved her. He wanted to be able to see her and find out for sure whether he was imagining it all. 

He just wanted her to come back.


	256. Chapter 256

_ If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied _ _   
_ _ Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs _ _   
_ _ If there’s no-one beside you when your soul embarks _ _   
_ _ I will follow you into the dark _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Will Follow You Into The Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie_ **

“Have you ever thought about what happens when we die.”

“I try not to think about that at the best of times. What you thinking about Brody?”

“Well, I just keep thinking… I’m estranged from my parents, my sister is dead, James is… well wherever James is. I don’t have anyone who would be there with me at the end.”

“I’d be with you, so would everyone else here. We’re your family, and we won’t let you be alone.”

“You guys barely know me, I’ve only been here a couple of months.”

“That’s long enough. You’re one of us, and you won’t shake us off easily.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re never going to be alone again.”


	257. Chapter 257

_ Hold on tight _ _   
_ _ This ride is a wild one _ _   
_ _ Make no mistake _ _   
_ _ The day will come when you can't cover up what you've done _ _   
_ _ Now don't lose your fight, kid _ _   
_ _ It only takes a little push to pull on through _ _   
_ _ With so much left to do _ _   
_ _ You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Missing You” by All Time Low_ **

What was it that people had always told her. That if she kept trying to hide who she was and what she’d done that they would find her out and she’d never be able to put it back in the holster.

That day had come and she’d run away, losing the fight she had with herself whenever she got close with people. She could have pushed through it, but it hadn’t worked. She’d run and here she was.

_ “We’re missing you. Come home soon.” _ With that text she’d known she was missing out on time with her friends but it was for the best. She had so much she still needed to get done. Then maybe she could go home.


	258. Chapter 258

_ Dear love I miss you _ _   
_ _ Wherever you go I’ll always be with you _ _   
_ _ Dear love don’t you worry _ _   
_ _ I’ll always be here for you _ _   
_ _ When you find your way _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Dear Love” by Lauren Marsh_ **

She missed Merri. That was the worst part of this situation. That she couldn’t jump on her sister and give her a hug. Tell her she was being an idiot and that she needed to do something differently. She missed being able to get her opinion, and she missed being able to find out what Merri was thinking.

“Hey Messie. It’s been three thousand, four hundred and twenty-five days since I last saw you in person, and three thousand, three hundred and sixty-nine days days since you were officially declared missing.” She didn’t count the days since Merri had been officially declared dead. Emily knew, she  _ knew _ that Merri was alive. Maybe it was because they were twins, or maybe it was wishful thinking. But she was sure.

“Hey. Em. We have a lead, come on.” Looking over her shoulder, Emily saw Daniel and James waving her away from Merri’s true, though she still saw the look of pain that crossed James’ face as they stood there. He believed Emily that Merri was still alive, but it had been close to a decade, and she was sure James felt like he was married to a ghost. 

The only thing that gave her confidence was that they could find no evidence that Merri was actually dead. Even NCIS didn’t have that evidence, and the first step was that she get back aboard the Moultrie. That’s where her answers would be. “Gotta go big sis. We’ll find you soon, I promise.”


	259. Chapter 259

_ And now I'm coming home _ _   
_ _ I'm coming home to you again _ _   
_ _ I hope you feel the same _ _   
_ _ Now I'm coming home _ _   
_ _ I'm coming home to you again _ _   
_ _ I hope things haven't changed _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Coming Home” by New Found Glory_ **

New Orleans wasn’t exactly as Merri had left it, but it was close. Things had changed in the 2 years since she’d left, almost as much as things had stayed the same. What she really hoped though was that the important things hadn’t changed. Loretta had told her that, at this time of day, Pride would still be in his bar, and she really hoped he’d be happy to see her.

It was early, and Merri hadn’t really expected for the door to be open, but when it was she pushed it open and stepped in, just waiting in the door. Pride called back as though it was Buckley who came in, but when he got no response he stood up and turned to her and paused. “Hello, Dwayne.”

“Merri… I…?” Pride just froze, clearly he was unsure what to say and his words weren’t coming easily. He loved her far too much to stop, that was clear, but she understood that maybe he didn’t really want to have to deal with her drama and her fears again.

“I’m back… if you’ll have me.” She wanted to make it clear it was his choice. If he wanted her back, as a friend, a lover… She wasn’t going to push. She’d been the one to leave. It needed to be his choice, and even if that choice broke her heart she would respect that he’d made it.

She wasn’t sure who started moving first, and she wasn’t sure who kissed the other first, but within seconds they were right there, holding each other tightly and kissing as though the world would end if they stopped. Why had she ever left this place, why had she thought she could live without them. Emails and calls had been nice, but it hadn’t been home. After a few minutes they did pull away, but they didn’t let go, and they didn’t step away. “God, Merri, I missed you.”

Those words threw her for a second, but only for a second. She knew that it was only in her mind that these people had hated her for leaving, but that had still been her fear. She’d still worried that maybe she wouldn’t be welcomed back. But being told she had been missed allayed all those fears. “I wanted to come home, so much, but I was afraid, and I wasn’t sure… you’d want me back after that.”

“I always wanted you to come back.” Pride said with a couple honesty that broke her heart slightly for leaving it this long. Sure she’d had a good job, had been near her FBI friends and her parents… but it wasn’t here. This was where she felt most at home. With Pride and the team.

“Then I’ve come home.” She smiled, and as he leant his head down to kiss her again she just accepted that this was where she was meant to be. This was where her heart was, and her home just followed on from that.


	260. Chapter 260

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implications of torture in this one.

_ Baby we’re high then we’re low, it’s yes then it’s no _ _   
_ _ And we’re changing like the tides _ _   
_ _ Yeah but I want you, but I need you _ _   
_ _ And I guarantee you’ll make it out alive _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Battleships” by Daughtry_ **

They had never had a normal relationship and even now James was thankful for that, because it meant even while they were trapped in this room and they were both covered with too many injuries to count that they could  _ still _ have an argument about his availability. It was truly a unique situation, not that he’d ever been held and tortured before. He knew Merri had though, and he knew that she wasn’t entirely dealing with this so well.

Everything had had to change when they’d had their daughter, he and Merri had said they’d stop taking overseas assignments. Settle in the US and focus on raising Millie together. Only Merri had then been sent on an assignment, and James had been on his own assignment to cover something. Somehow they’d both ended up here, and it felt like their little family had been targeted. 

He hoped their mother’s were getting along well enough for Millie. That was something he was genuinely worried about whenever they had to leave her with Olivia or Sandra,  because the two women didn’t tend to see eye to eye. He knew that their wills both placed Millie in Olivia’s care if anything should have happened to them, and he just wanted his daughter to be safe.

“James.” He was jolted from his thoughts by the pitiful sound of his wife, and he immediately moved his own bruised and broken body so that he could wrap himself around her. Less for her protection and more for his. Merri was kickass and could keep him more safe than he ever could imagine, but she needed to know he was there, he knew that.

“Hey love, I’m still right here.” He whispered in her ear, and when she turned her head he kissed her lightly. “When we get home I promise, no more overseas assignments.” He could promise that because he knew that it was going to be something he needed to do, and she would too he was sure.

“You don’t even know if we’re going to make it home to Millie, J.” Merri was clearly thinking about their daughter too, and James just smiled wider knowing that was what they had binding them and keeping them going. If Millie wasn’t a factor, he would have given up.

“Yes I do.” James was ready to promise that, no matter what, he and Merri would see their daughter again. Watch her grow up as they did. He had to believe that that was possible. She desperately needed her parents, and they needed to stay alive for her. “She wants us, and she needs us… So you better believe that we’ll make it out of here alive.” He had all the faith that, since they were the citizens of two countries, and influential people in both… They would be found before long.


	261. Chapter 261

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting these drabbles (and writing them) while I am legitimately IN New Orleans, about a 5 minute walk from the NOLA office and like round the corner from where they put LaSalle's apartment in season 1. So that is pretty cool!

_ I’ve been looking for a way out _ _   
_ _ Something that isn’t so cruel _ _   
_ _ Well I’m a little tired, you see _ _   
_ _ Complacent and miserable _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”The Fortunate” by Cartel_ **

He was trying to think of a way to get out of all of this, because he really wasn’t sure he could give his best friend away to someone else. She still had a father, had friends, but she’d wanted him to do it, because of their history, how much love they had always felt for each other. He wanted her to be happy, he truly did, but he wasn’t sure that he could stomach being a part of her big day.

It would be cruel to say that, though. He watched her now, across the bar clearly deeply in love with the man she was marrying, the small bulge to her stomach she was clearly hoping nobody noticed and added with the fact she was drinking soda clearly proved that they were planning a future. One day he’d hoped that would have been him. The one she had the future with, but maybe that had never really been on the cards.

All he was was tired now, tired of it being his fault that she moved on, and tired of being the one she fell back on when things didn’t work out. He needed to break off and get away from her because waiting around to be her fall guy was making life harder for him. He wanted to be the one she depended on, but he couldn’t do that now that she was marrying another guy. He was a good man, but that was all he knew.

Meanwhile, miserable had become his constant state, and while he was sure that, eventually, he would be happy again. This one thing was what might push him over the edge right now though, and he needed to get out of it.


	262. Chapter 262

_ Your voice, scream above the noise _ _   
_ _ That you’re perfect as you are, even when times are hard _ _   
_ _ You are brave, and even if they say _ _   
_ _ That’ll you never go far, ‘cause you’re “dumb”, “skinny” or “scarred” _ _   
_ _ You’re perfect the way you are _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Perfect” by Emma Blackery_ **

Why couldn’t she see that she was perfect. She was absolutely perfect in ways that he couldn’t even explain, and he wanted to let her know. There was a line of professionalism that Pride was loathe to cross, he wasn’t sure that singling her out was a good thing to do. Brody was almost lost to them, and now he was trying to work out what to do to stop that from happening again. Maybe he needed to tell her everything he thought. He had been complaining about this for a while now, and he was sure Chris was fed up of hearing about it. “I just want to tell her… how much she means.”

“Are you worried about treating her different?” That was a fair comment and Pride wasn’t sure how anyone had known that it was that that was bothering him. But it was and it told him that just maybe he was already treating her different.

“I guess.” Pride admitted, and if it was that easy for Chris to figure out what it was that was bothering him, then it was probably something that he did without thinking about it.

“You’ve done that since she got here, but none of us blame you for it. It’s clear you and her have a connection. Even Linda saw it.” He remembered his ex-wife’s sudden turn around on working things out, and he’d always wondered if it was something to do with Brody. “You love her, maybe that’s what you should tell her.”

“I’m her boss.” He commented, but he knew that it was a weak excuse. You couldn’t help who you fell for, and he knew that his feelings for Brody were the last thing he’d needed, and the last thing she needed too. Yet this was where they were.

“Not anymore, she sent her papers to Vance this morning.” Of course Chris was the one who knew that, and he’d probably found out through Sonja. Pride hoped that they’d tried to talk her out of it, but from the look on Chris’ face he’d clearly not thought it would be a surprise. “I thought you knew.”

“She’s going to run. I have to go stop her.” He couldn’t let her run away, not when she was finally somewhere she was happy, that was the important thing. She was too good a person to lose something she had worked hard for, and he was so proud of all she’d done and all she could still do. He could stop her, he must.


	263. Chapter 263

_ On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright _ _   
_ _ Then the stain turned out so evil, don’t know why I’m still surprised _ _   
_ _ Even angels have their wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes _ _   
_ _ But you’ll always be my hero, even though you’ve lost your mind _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Love The Way You Lie” by Skylar Grey_ **

When she was a child he had been amazing to her, she knew exactly who he was and what he wanted of her, then as she grew up she didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He wasn’t as happy to see her, and he didn’t seem to talk to her the way he once had. They had adored each other, now she wasn’t so sure.

He told her that he still loved her, and he still loved her mother. She wasn’t sure that she believed him anymore. Now she was an adult she could see through it. He had loved her mother for a time, but that no longer mattered. He still loved her, she knew that, but it was hard to reconcile that with the man he’d once been.

For most of her life, he’d been her hero and their family had been a perfect family unit. Everyone claimed his current partner had had nothing to do with it, but she wasn’t so sure. Eventually she would know, but right now it seemed to be too difficult for her to work it out. 

Maybe he lost his mind, that was why, and the things her parents threw at each other had never been great, but right now they were worse. She just wanted them to stop. Sure, she had lost respect for both her parents, and that was something she regretted. She would change it eventually, she knew that. They’d work it out.


	264. Chapter 264

_ Ain’t life swell from a pretty little distance _ _   
_ _ I don’t wanna run, I don’t wanna stay _ _   
_ _ Why look twice at a beautiful existence _ _   
_ _ And that’s alright _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pretty Little Distance” by As It Is_ **

With a little distance Merri had hoped that she’d be able to think about her life in New Orleans with more objectivity. But that was beginning to be clear that she couldn’t. It seemed like every thought she had about life back there was idealised to the point where it couldn’t be true.

She really didn’t want to run, but after something like this could she really stay. She didn’t think that she could do that either. Merri knew they’d want for her to be there to help them through everything, but she couldn’t do it.

Accepting that her life was actually as good as it appeared was not something that she knew how to do, but she was going to try as hard as she could if only so she could look back on her time there fondly. She then booked her flight to her parents and made the decision that running was better than staying.


	265. Chapter 265

_ If someone said three years from now, you’d be long gone _ _   
_ _ I’d stand up and punch them out, ‘cause they’re all wrong and _ _   
_ _ That last kiss I’ll cherish, until we meet again _ _   
_ _ And time makes it harder, I wish I could remember _ _   
_ _ But I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep _ _   
_ _ My darling, who knew? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Who Knew” by P!nk_ **

“Hey, mom.” Merri whispered quietly, stepping up beside the casket and putting her hand on the nameplate just above where her mother’s face would be. She couldn’t actually believe that she was stood here. This wasn’t supposed to be how any of this happened. It was never meant to be Olivia.

A few years earlier, if anyone had said that Olivia Brody was going to be killed the way she was, Merri would have punched them in the face for suggesting that Olivia would leave her daughter and her granddaughter. It was laughable and they were wrong, yet here she was. Merri’s illusion that her mother was going to live forever had been shattered into a million pieces.

“Everything is wrong, I should have been able to protect you, I should have know he’d come for you or dad, or James or Millie. I should have known.” She couldn’t help but keep kicking herself for what was going on, and she hated that it meant that they were having problems and that her mother was dead. She didn’t deserve that. It should have been Merri. “I couldn’t protect the people I cared about most, that will never happen again.”

One day this was going to be something that haunted her. Merri would see her mother in her sleep and that would keep her close. She knew from missing Emily that time didn’t actually make it any better. It all just got harder. She remembered her mother’s kiss on the forehead a few days earlier, the last time she’d visited her granddaughter. Merri already missed her mother, but Emily wasn’t alone any longer.

“At least you’re with Emily now, mom. Tell her I miss her.” One day, Merri would get to join them, but it wasn’t going to be today. She needed to avenge them first, then she, James and Paul needed to stay alive and Millie about her grandmother and her aunt. That was everything that was needed now, and this all proved to Merri that she needed to quit work and focus on her family. 


	266. Chapter 266

_ When everything is wrong we move along _ _   
_ _ When all you gotta keep is strong _ _   
_ _ Move along, move along like I know you did _ _   
_ _ And even when your hope is gone _ _   
_ _ Move along, move along just to make it through _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Move Along” by The All-American Rejects_ **

She had been fully packed and certain that she could make a clean getaway. She had been pretty certain that it was going to be easier if she didn’t tell Pride that she was going to leave, that she was going to quit and go live with her parents while she worked out her next move. All she really knew was that she couldn’t stay. She was picking up her phone and her case to get an uber when there was a knock on the door. She could come back for her things later.

Pride was on the doorstep, and she didn’t know how he’d known about this. Probably somehow through Sonja or Sebastian, though she doubted it was direct. They both stopped and stared at each other when she opened the door, and with how out of breath he was she was willing to bet that he’d run from the office. 

“Stay strong, Merri. I know you feel like everything is against you, and that you have no reason to keep your hope.” He managed to get his words out through ragged breaths. “But I believe in you, and we just have to move along together. We can work it out I promise.” She was more surprised that she could have ever expected when he just moved to her and kissed her passionately. She didn’t even break the kiss as she pulled him back into the apartment, he’d given her a reason to stay, and she didn’t need to say a word for him to know she would.


	267. Chapter 267

_ And when we’re all alone  _ _   
_ _ With no one there to bother _ _   
_ _ Tell the truth _ _   
_ _ I’ll treat you like a queen _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Do You Remember” by The Summer Obsession_ **

James’ problem wasn’t that he wasn’t a romantic, that was what Merri had learnt. In a year of their relationship she’d swiftly learnt that he wasn’t the type who was going to be overtly emotional. He kept everything inside when he was in public, he liked to make sure what he felt was known only to her.

He treated her amazingly, and that was the most important thing for her. He could cope with her schedule and really, his wasn’t all that much better. That was part of why they worked so well. Merri didn’t want or need everyone to know their relationship ins and outs. All they needed to know was the outcome.


	268. Chapter 268

_ I’m bleeding out slowly but you keep me alive _ _   
_ _ I’m pleading for mercy but you won’t let me die _ _   
_ _ If you’re not in love with me just tell me so _ _   
_ _ And stop reeling me in and then letting me go _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Let Me Go” by Startisan_ **

He had kept her for weeks now, and she had no idea why he was keeping her alive, more than that, why he was bringing her back from the brink. Was it some sort of perverse pleasure he had of making her suffer like this? She didn’t know and likely never would.

“Sam, just let me go. You don’t love me!” She yelled at a break in today’s round of torture. She wasn’t going to be able to stay alive very much longer, her body was beginning to fail, but she didn’t care. She wanted it to stop.

“This is why you should have never messed with me, Merri. I told you I could give it you all.” She knew he was talking about leaving him for James. But even then she hadn’t been able to help it. She had been in love with James Lathom for a very long time. He couldn’t change that. “Now, say goodbye.”

Merri just needed to hope that Pride found her soon, otherwise this was not going to be something she ever got herself out of. Sam had clearly lost his mind, and she was the one who was going to have to pay the price for past mistakes.


	269. Chapter 269

_ Dressed by dawn and out the door  _ _   
_ _ No light, she memorized the floor  _ _   
_ _ So she could leave without being detected  _ _   
_ _ She works till three it's uniform  _ _   
_ _ She dreams that he'll come by the store  _ _   
_ _ She prays for days when boys mean she's protected _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Want To Save You” by Something Corporate_ **

He didn’t ask for her to stay, she never asked to stay. This was release for them both and it was nothing more than that. He was her friend, her boss, and they didn’t need to complicate their relationship further by staying. They sometimes slept in each other’s arms, he sometimes whispered things in her ear about how he felt about her. She knew they were genuine, and she returned them, but neither of them wanted to complicate it.

She no longer needed light, or anything else. She put her clothes in the same place, never bothered with underwear, she left her shoes outside. He normally didn’t even wake up when she slid out of his arms into the warm air of the New Orleans autumn. One day they would be able to admit what they wanted to more than just each other, but that wasn’t today.

The day he’d stopped her leaving a few months earlier, he’d managed to convince her they could get through things, and they had, but still she was living the same life that had put her in that position. She was still fighting crime in the same team. She was partnered with a man she loved desperately but could never truly tell him because she was so terrified of absolutely everything. She had been so badly hurt by everyone she just couldn’t trust someone with her heart.

Maybe it was a little sad that she actually couldn’t do that, even with the nicest man she knew, the one she trusted beyond anyone else in the universe. he was the person who was there for her, the one who would make sure that she didn’t have to worry about anything. Maybe it was time she open herself up to him. Accept that if he was around her she didn’t need to be afraid any longer.

Protection was something that only she could guarantee for herself, but slowly she was realising that she needed more, and she wanted more. Mostly though, she wanted to start a family. It had been a sudden, snap decision but it was how she wanted to always have that protection, and that comfort. One night she was just sat in the office, just the two of them, and she looked up and smiled a little, “I want a baby.” Now she just needed to see how he reacted to that to know if it was feasible.


	270. Chapter 270

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one will be extended.

_ Hold on, if you feel like letting go _ _   
_ _ Hold on, it gets better than you know _ _   
_ _ Don't stop looking, you're one step closer _ _   
_ _ Don't stop searching, it's not over _ _   
_ _ Hold on _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hold On” by Good Charlotte_ **

“Mummy, mummy! Come on it’s time to go.”

“Calm down, Millie.”

“I’m going telling them stories!”

“You just visiting?”

“Coming home. My husband was killed a few months ago, and I needed to come home.”

“I’m sorry about your husband. I lost mine last year and I can give you my biggest tip. Just hold on.”

“Hold on?”

“Nothing is over, you’re always on the way to your final destination. It will, eventually, get better and your little girl will be a huge part of that.”

“Thank you.”

“If you need any help, call me. I can help.”

“You weren’t married to Sam Wilkins, were you?”

“I was, did you know him?”

“We dated a few years ago. I didn’t know he died, I’m sorry. Thanks for the advice.”

“You’re welcome, we should get together and talk about Sam.”

“Sure, here is my number.”


	271. Chapter 271

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The things you write while sat at the Gumbo Festival...

_ No one ever lied straight to your face _ _   
_ _ And no one ever stabbed you in the back _ _   
_ _ You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay _ _   
_ _ Everybody always gave you what you wanted _ _   
_ _ You never had to work it was always there _ _   
_ _ You don't know what it's like, what it's like _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Welcome To My Life” by Simple Plan_ **

“You have no idea what I’ve been through.” The girl snapped, and Brody felt terrible for her, she knew that it wasn’t easy to sit in this room and tell a detective or an agent or anyone, really, about what had happened to her. It was why Merri was good at this work. It was harder when she saw herself in the victims. Remembered the girl she’d been when she went to college and had always had things her way.

Knowing what it felt like to be these girls hurt her. She’d been older, definitely, but that didn’t change the pain and the shame. All the things that had happened to her in Iraq then what had happened with Russo… it had all added together to put her in the situation where she was the best person to help these girls, and to reassure them that she truly understood. “Actually I do, I know better than you could ever imagine.”

“You can’t.” It was a simple statement of disbelief and Merri actually didn’t blame her that much. Nobody thought that people in her line of work could have this happen to her and it was hard to make them realise that that wasn’t true. She had been abused, mistreated and had struggled through everything, but now she was here.

“Yes. I can.” Merri nodded a little but said her piece quietly. She knew it wasn’t going to help at all if she was forceful. She just needed to wait and they would get the there. “Just because I’m in law enforcement doesn’t mean I haven’t been betrayed and abused.”

“What happened to you?” The victim asked, and Merri had to fight her instant hatred of what she was being asked. She didn’t like to tell anyone, but now she needs to tell everyone who asks as part of her job. She was getting better at it though.

“I was tortured…” Merri started, knowing that she needed to open up to the victims was not step, even though she really hated thinking about that time in her life. She hoped that it helped them all, but she wasn’t sure anymore. She just needed to solve all their cases, that was how to help best.


	272. Chapter 272

_ And I know that we’re gonna be fine _ _   
_ _ And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time _ _   
_ _ As long as we live time passes by _ _   
_ _ And we won’t get it back when we die _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”When We Die” by Bowling For Soup_ **

Somehow, Merri knew that everything was going to be OK. She knew that they were going to able to pull through it and they would make it back to each other. She and Pride had had these problems before and they’d made it through it before. He was always the one who came back to her, unlike most of the men who had been in her life previously.

The pregnancy was putting strain on both of them. Neither had planned on being parents so late in life, but they were going to be, and that meant that they needed to accept that, possibly, they couldn’t continue to blame each other for this happening when they didn’t expect.

Time was passing by, and she knew that they did both want these babies desperately now, they just couldn’t seem to talk to each other about it. They’d get there  eventually, she was sure. They wouldn’t get this time back when they were older, but they would get each other back, and that was all Merri wanted now.


	273. Chapter 273

_ I'm thinking baby you and I are undeniable _ _   
_ _ But I'm finding out love's unreliable _ _   
_ _ I'm giving all I got to make you stay _ _   
_ _ Or am I just a roadblock in your way _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Love Like Woe” by The Ready Set_ **

They were really meant to be together, he truly believed that. Everyone around them believed that they were the perfect couple too, and that made him even more sure that this was just a rough patch. He wanted to get through it, but he honestly didn’t entirely know how to do that. Helping her was never the easiest when she was the kind of person who liked to pretend her emotions didn’t exist.

Yes, this had thrown them both for a loop, and it was something that they were both going to have to work through, but he felt like it would be better if they did it together than apart. She didn’t seem to want to do it at all though, and without her it was not going to work. Love wasn’t going to be enough to help them through this if one of them wasn’t in it 100%.

Getting her to stay was hard, and giving himself reasons to stay was even harder. The last thing he ever wanted was to leave her, especially when she was having as many problems as she was. Maybe that made him a terrible partner. Maybe it made him a terrible man, he wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t go on like this, neither of them could. It was going to hurt them both and he wanted to prevent that.

Her happiness was more important than anything that would happen to him, so he knew that he should take the plunge and leave, it was just lucky that there was the job of a lifetime waiting for him. He had a reason to leave, and he knew that it was going to end them but he was sure that it was going to be the best for both of them. Eventually she’d forgive him, he hoped, and maybe then they could give this another chance.


	274. Chapter 274

_ Don’t let me go, don’t let me go _ _   
_ _ Is anybody gonna lift me up? _ _   
_ _ When you gonna come lift me up? _ _   
_ _ I’m out of my head, flat on my face _ _   
_ _ Is anybody here listening? _ _   
_ _ When you gonna come let me in? _ _   
_ _ Don’t let me go. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Don’t Let Me Go” by The Summer Set_ **

She was sure that nobody really cared to come and help her, she wasn’t important enough for anyone to go out of their way to help her. All she was was a temporary position in all of their lives. She was used to occupying that position because, really, all they were in her life were temporary character roles that people filled until she moved on.

That was, until she came here. It had been years since she’d had a home, a family. It had been longer than she cared to admit since she had let anyone in, and now she felt like she was being forced out all over again. Like she had to go on and disappear. She still did that a lot more than she cared to admit. 

This time though… someone caught her, and they held her close and made sure she knew that this time she didn’t have to run. “Hey, I got you.” The warm, comforting voice said, telling her not to let go, not to run. “You’re not on your own anymore.”


	275. Chapter 275

__ Hey, don't write yourself off yet   
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.   
Just try your best, try everything you can.   
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.   
\-- **”The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World**

_ “Come on Messie!”  _

_ “I don’t think I can, Emmie.” _

_ “Just try your best, don’t care about what everyone else says.” _

_ “OK, I’m going to do it.” _

That had been Emily, everything about her had been trying to convince Merri to do the things that she didn’t want to do, or the things she was too scared to try. Every day she would get Merri to do something or try something new. Merri knew that Emily would be so proud of her today as she prepared to take one of the biggest steps in her life.

Looking down to her rounded stomach she just smiled, that was going to be another huge step, but there were still a few weeks before  _ that _ life change came and messed her up again. Today she was getting married, and the thing she knew more than anything was that Emily would be proud of her.


	276. Chapter 276

__ One song about a girl   
I can’t breathe when I’m around her   
I’ll wait here everyday   
In case she’ll scratch the surface   
She’ll never notice   
\-- **”About A Girl” by The Academy Is...**

Every time this song came up in his rotation he couldn’t help but let his mind drift to the woman who he hoped was waiting for him when he got home that night. I had taken a long time for them to get to that point in their lives. He wasn’t sure what it was that had convinced them that they should move on, but he was glad that something had. Now they were here and he couldn’t he happier about that.

Sometimes he couldn’t breathe around her, and at other times he just wanted to push her away, but he couldn’t wait to get home to her every single day. The last time he’d had the chance to tour, to leave his daily job behind, he hadn’t had her or their family, but he’d still thought about her almost every single day.

He still thought that she didn’t realise exactly how much he loved her, and how he waited every day for her. She’d barely realised a fraction of his feelings, but that was OK. She needed to take things slowly and as long as she was waiting for him now he could survive anything. Because he had her.


	277. Chapter 277

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea AT ALL where this came from...

_Well this is a call_   
_Throughout and across_   
_The underdog nation_   
_The hopeless and lost_   
_'Cause we're not the ones_   
_To walk with the dead_   
_Disciples of no one_   
_By no one we're led_   
_\-- **”No Apologies” by Sum 41**_

This was a myriad bunch of former federal employees, and Merri had been glad to be invited into the group when she left NCIS. There was no leader, nobody to report to, but they were all continuing their work, the thing that had driven them to become agents to begin with. Supporting and protecting the citizens of the US. Now their targets had just changed. She was just there, thinking, when she heard a voice behind her. “Brody, you settling in?”

“For the most part.” She admitted. This was a strange place, underground offices, housing for it’s teams, childcare and schools to keep the children protected. She still didn’t know what they were even searching for. She hadn’t had a full explanation yet. She was sure that was coming. “It’s different.”

“That is one way to describe it.” The man nodded, as serious as she’d always seen him, and she realised that she’d never seen Hotch break into a smile, not even once. Even Gibbs had been more easy going. “Your friends will eventually get used to you not being there.”

“When will I get used to not being there?” That was more important for her. She knew the team in New Orleans would eventually move on, and they’d probably forget about her. But she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to do that.

Hotch’s face softened a little, and Merri realised that he understood her feeling of not being entirely in control as she adjusted to this lifestyle and all that it entailed. It was not an easy change. “The only way you get used to anything, by accepting that it couldn’t be any different.”

“Yeah. Thanks Hotch.” Thinking about that she realised something that she could do to try and take her control back, maybe she would, at least, feel like she could move on from her former life if she made one phone call. One last attempt to explain things, and give one last goodbye. “Call me if we get a case, I have someone I need to email.”

“Will do. Good luck.” He gave her a knowing smile and just turned to leave her alone. Right now Merri wanted to call Pride and come clean about things, and hope that he would accept that they were still on the same side. Then maybe she really could accept that nothing could be different.


	278. Chapter 278

__ I heard that you've been   
Having some trouble finding your place in the world   
I know how much that hurts   
But if you need a friend   
Then please just say the word   
\-- **”Missing You” by All Time Low**

Pride had known that Merri had never been great at knowing where her place was, and even though she’d disappeared from New Orleans 6 months earlier, he believed that this was still her home. After she’d told him all about the things she’d seen in whatever she was doing now, he wanted to make sure she knew she’d be welcome back. “You have a home here, Merri. No matter where you run to, you’re always welcome back here.”

“Thanks, Dwayne. I’ll call you next week.” That was how she ended almost every call, and it did give him something to look forward to, but he wasn’t sure that he could go through it this week. It sounded like she realised that too and carried on speaking. “Tell the others I miss them.”

“I will. I miss you.” He tried to tell her that, making it clear that he didn’t mean the team, he was only talking for himself. They did all miss her, but he wanted her to know that  _ he _ missed her. It was important in his mind.

“I’ll try and visit you over Christmas. Or I’ll send you somewhere to meet me.” That sounded interesting, and he hoped that that was something that could happen. He knew that he was her only contact other than her parents from what she called her ‘old’ life, and it all made him more curious. “I’ll work it out.”

“See you soon?” It was a question, and he didn’t at all care if he sounded pathetic. He needed to know that he would see her again, and that it wouldn’t be months away. Maybe he should tell her why he missed her so much, but he was pretty sure she knew. 

“I promise.” Merri replied, and almost instantly the unstable connection dropped out again. Pride hadn’t pressed into what she was doing now, but she still called him every week, not that he told anyone. He continued going with her story to everyone else that she was with her parents. He just wanted to see her, and to know that she’s safe.


	279. Chapter 279

_ The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting _ _   
_ _ Could it be that we have been this way before _ _   
_ _ I know you don't think that I am trying _ _   
_ _ I know you're wearing thin right to the core _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Fall For You” by Secondhand Serenade_ **

For months all they’d done when they were together was fight. It was argument after argument, and James didn’t even know where it had all come from. He knew that she was still grieving, and that she wasn’t great at getting her emotions out, but it seemed like everything he did just managed to piss her off.

Once upon a time they’d been happy. At least he thought they had been. Merri was making him seriously doubt that. He knew they loved each other, he had no doubt about that, but he also couldn’t get past all these fights. His latest job offer was one that she hated, but it was something he wanted. 

She didn’t believe that he was fighting for them, but in the year since Emily had died that had been all he’d done. Now he needed to cut his losses and do what made him happy. Merri was the love of his life, and he knew that if they were meant to be together he would find her again.

The truth was, this was going to be the easier way. He looked around their little apartment and memorised every bit of it. In the week since she’d been on an assignment he’d packed all his things and sent them to his mother, and he’d written this letter, telling her how much he loved her, but that they both needed this break.After that, it was going to be up to her. 

It was a month later that he received the ring, and he knew that it was done for now. But something told him that it wasn’t done forever.


	280. Chapter 280

_ Just crash, fall down _ _   
_ _ I’ll wrap my arms around you now _ _   
_ _ Just crash, it’s our time now _ _   
_ _ To make this work a second time around _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Crash” by You Me At Six_ **

“You can fall, I won’t leave you.” Those were the words she needed to hear and as she sat in this hospital room, still woozy and feeling sick, she knew that she’d called the right person to save her. He had nothing to do with the current situation and that was exactly what she needed. She needed distance, she needed people who weren’t going to tell her lies even thought they knew that this was unavoidable. She needed someone who wasn’t going to let her fail. She was thinking of her life so far as being the first run around, she hadn’t succeeded, James had stopped her. She had two options, try again or make life work. For that, she needed to let go. “Let yourself fall, Merri.” The gentle whisper continued in her ear and she wondered how he knew this was what she needed. How he knew so much about her.

“I don’t know what to do, James.” She whispered, and seconds later his arms were around her, holding her tightly against  his chest. Merri didn’t want to think about everything, but she also needed to. She needed to get past it all and maybe that was part of way James was the one here with her. Throughout their time together they had been there through horrible things happening to each other, and never had one fallen the way she had, and she was sure that that was because she hadn’t had him there trying to stop her, and she was certain that in taking him back she was saving herself. Maybe, just maybe, she was saving him too.


	281. Chapter 281

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one and 282 are connected

_ And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders _ _   
_ _ Catching things and eating their insides _ _   
_ _ Like indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason _ _   
_ _ Will you come home and stop this pain tonight _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Miss You” by Blink 182_ **

Pride wasn’t sure why he was still stuck thinking about Brody. She wasn’t the first agent he’d had leave, she wasn’t even the first partner… but he knew there was something about what had happened that was his fault and he couldn’t get that out of his mind. 

He’d called her a few times, and every time she’d answered, they’d shared a few pleasantries, then they’d hung up and presumably gone about their days. Pride didn’t think that she gave him a second thought while he ended every call wishing that she’d come home.

“Pride… I think there is someone here to see you.” He heard from the temporary agent who was filling in. Hopefully they’d be sent back to DC soon and he wouldn’t have to think about them again. 

“Tell them to come back in the morning.” He didn’t want to see anyone tonight, he just wanted to continue grumbling to himself and staring at Merri’s number in his phone.

“You’re going to want to see this one.”

He didn’t really have time to take in the woman who’d been stood awkwardly in the middle of the office before she’d run to him and all but flinging herself into his arms. As the smell of her shampoo slid over him he realised this was real. Merri was back, and he had her in his arms. Maybe she had thought about him after all.


	282. Chapter 282

_ You’re constantly waiting for life  _ _   
_ _ To start and for love to surround it _ _   
_ _ If you only looked right by your side  _ _   
_ _ You’d find that it never had left you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Humans” by The Scene Aesthetic_ **

It had come as a sudden realisation, but maybe she’d known it all along, she ran up to her room and found one of her bigger carry-on sized bags. She knew for sure, and as her mother followed her up the stairs Merri turned back to her and gave the only explanation she could. “I have to go back.”

“Meredith?” It was a question, maybe not of what Merri was thinking, but definitely of her actions. This probably seemed sudden to someone who hadn’t been living in Merri’s mind, but she was certain now.

“Mom… I love him.” She knew that she didn’t have to clarify. Pride had called enough times recently that it would be unwritten and already-known. “I guess I just needed to know he loved me back.”

“You know that now?” Olivia sounded sceptical, and Merri didn’t blame her, but Merri was certain, and she probably always would be now. 

“I do. I’ve sat back. I’ve thought… and I know that he was right there by my side for the last year.” Pride had tried to tell her in his own way that he was there with her, and that was something she’d overlooked. She should have stayed there with him and worked it out. “I never should have left.”

“You can’t work for someone you love Merri.” Her mother cautioned, but Merri had long since left NCIS now, she could find another position, she was sure that the NOPD would be quite happy for someone with her experience to be on their books.

“I’ll find another job. I just know I need to go back.” She’d not been so certain of something in some time. “I’ll call you when I land.” She then grabbed the bag she’d packed while they spoke and ran out to her car. She didn’t know when she’d be back, but it was going to be easier to leave here than it had been to leave New Orleans. She might not be welcomed back with open arms, but she had to go and see if she had a future there.


	283. Chapter 283

_ I'm still running away _ _   
_ _ Won't play your hide and seek game. _ _   
_ _ I was spinning free _ _   
_ _ With a little sweet and simple numbing me. _ _   
_ _ What a dizzy dance _ _   
_ _ This sweetness will not be concerned with me. _ _   
_ _ No the sweetness will not be concerned with me. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sweetness” by Jimmy Eat World_ **

Pride and Loretta were right, she was still running away. She was ready for when she needed to just take off again, because that was the way that she was. She was always ready for the escape route, and she needed that. Especially now that the  _ Moultrie _ investigation had been reopened. 

This time though, she had a reason to stay put. After only a few months here she knew that she was at home. More at home than she had been in a very long time. She wasn’t going to play a game of hide-and-seek with her past. It was time she let it lay.

Maybe she needed to accept that there were things that weren’t a concern for her, and that weren’t going to be concerned with her. She just needed to prove her innocence, then ignore the politics.


	284. Chapter 284

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not know what this is...

_ Show my cards _ _   
_ _ Gave you my heart _ _   
_ _ Wish we could start all over _ _   
_ _ Nothing’s makin’ sense at all _ _   
_ _ Tried to open my eyes _ _   
_ _ I’m hopin’ for a chance to make it alright _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Painting Flowers” by All Time Low_ **

In and out. That was all I could do. In and out. Still breathing.

This was what I got for giving my heart away. A world of pain. Why did I allow myself to be open with someone.

The pain of the rejection was going to stay with me a long time. But it didn’t make sense. They had been open to it only hours earlier. What changed.

Maybe I needed to open my eyes, see that they weren’t the person I thought they were, or maybe I should hope that I could start over.

For now, I just needed to keep breathing. Then I could worry about the rest.


	285. Chapter 285

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild implied torture in this one

_ I was broken, I was choking, I was lost _ _   
_ _ This song saved my life _ _   
_ _ I was bleeding, stopped believing, could have died _ _   
_ _ This song saved my life _ _   
_ _ I was down, I was drowning, but it came on just in time _ _   
_ _ This song saved my life _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”This Song Saved My Life” by Simple Plan_ **

She couldn’t really deny it any longer. She was a broken down wreck of the person she used to be, and while she didn’t know where she was anymore she also knew there were some things that she couldn’t escape, that were etched into her memory forever. 

This song. It was one of them. It was nonsensical, and the piercing topnotes made her internally cringe whenever she thought about them. But it meant one thing, she knew where she was. She knew where they had dumped her. The smell, the sounds… it meant she could only be one place. She was home. Played only one place she knew of, and somehow the sound pervaded the French Quarter whenever the ship left the pier. But it was proof.

Pushing herself up a little, she heard the sounds of approaching footsteps. A cop, asking her what had happened, telling her that medics were on the way. “My name is Meredith Brody. I was an NCIS agent, kidnapped six months ago.” She managed to choke the words out before collapsing. But she knew one thing. That song had saved her life.


	286. Chapter 286

_And I've always lived like this_   
_Keeping a comfortable distance._   
_And up until now I have sworn to myself_   
_That I'm content with loneliness._   
_Because none of it was ever worth the risk._ _  
_ _\--_ **_”The Only Exception” by Paramore_ **

“ _When are you going to settle down?_ ” The favourite questions of aunts and cousins. Distant relatives she’d seen twice since she was 18. Always asking her the same question. Telling her the same thing about how she was going to be lonely in her old age, and how she’d have nobody to care for her. Emotionally blackmailing bullshit. She’d have plenty to look after her in her old age, if she ever made it that far. It wasn’t common in her profession.

She’d always been this way. Keeping herself distant and separate from everyone around her. It was the only way to protect her heart. The only way that she could ensure that she wasn’t going to be hurt again the way she had been when she was younger. It was the only way she felt like she could make it through the life she’d chosen for herself. She was always friendly, cordial and sweet, but she never got close. Never let them see the real her.

At least until recently. Something had changed the day she’d met him. He had changed the way she related to the world, and that had led to her opening up. Since then she’d been hurt time and again and now she needed for it to stop. Sitting her, being asked again when she was going to settle down she felt something snap. She had a choice on whether to take a risk and settle, or pack it all in and run.

The next day, she went to collect her things. She was happy with her solitude after all.


	287. Chapter 287

_ You're all that hoped to find in every single way _ _   
_ _ And everything I would give is everything you couldn't take _ _   
_ _ 'Cause nothing feels like home and you're a thousand miles away _ _   
_ _ And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay _ _   
_ _ 'Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Miserable At Best” by Mayday Parade_ **

He had known that she was exactly what he needed in his life, and though she’d come into his life in a professional fashion it certainly hadn’t ended that way. Now he didn’t know where she was, but she sounded like she was at least safe. When he checked up on her and managed to get through at least. 

He would give up anything he could for her, but he knew beyond doubt that she wouldn’t take it, she probably couldn’t take it. He knew she would have left for a reason, he just didn’t know what it was right now. 

As long as she was gone he couldn’t settle, and the hardest part of all of it was that he had to keep trying to take long, deep breaths and reminding himself that staying alive so that she had something to come back to was the most important.

But missing her as much as he did made that so much harder to do.


	288. Chapter 288

_ After all these wasted nights, I can’t pretend that I’m doing fine _ _   
_ _ I played it back a thousand times, but now I see it I realise _ _   
_ _ That the damage is done and it’s obvious, we can never go back to the way it was _ _   
_ _ We’re drifting apart and it’s killing us, it’s killing us _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Farewell” by Simple Plan ft Jordan Pundik_ **

They’d tried reconnecting and it just wasn’t working. They hadn’t been exclusive, but whatever she’d had with Russo had ended everything that they’d had too. She’d thought that two weeks apart would change her mind, but it hadn’t. It was time she upped sticks and tried again somewhere new. Somewhere nobody knew her.

She didn’t think Russo was all the damage, he was just the final straw. She loved her team like a family, but families broke down sometimes, and in this one she was really just the first one to realise. 

LaSalle, Percy and Sebastian were like the younger siblings she had to try and control. Loretta was the smooth and wise aunt she could always turn to, and Patton was the cousin she idolised and adored. As for Pride, she couldn’t put her finger on what he was exactly, at least not in terms that made her comfortable, but partner had always been the designation that fit them the best.

The fact that she couldn’t seem to see past what had happened in May was killing her, and she knew now that she needed to leave. She had to go because nothing would ever go back to normal for her.

She would miss them all with every beat of her heart. But it was time she leave.


	289. Chapter 289

_ I’m feeling like I keep talking _ _   
_ _ I’m repeating myself _ _   
_ _ My words lost all meaning _ _   
_ _ I keep talking _ _   
_ _ I repeat myself _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Just Wanna Run” by The Downtown Fiction_ **

Talking, words. The same ones she’d said a million times. “May I come in, I'm sorry…”.

They didn’t have any meaning anymore. Hadn’t had meaning for quite some time.

Even the new things she did, they were on autopilot. She was disconnected, broken.

Nothing seemed to sit in her mind for long.

Something was missing.

She just didn’t know what.


	290. Chapter 290

_ You're all that hoped to find in every single way _ _   
_ _ And everything I would give is everything you couldn't take _ _   
_ _ 'Cause nothing feels like home and you're a thousand miles away _ _   
_ _ And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay _ _   
_ _ 'Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Miserable At Best” by Mayday Parade_ **

He had known that she was exactly what he needed in his life, and though she’d come into his life in a professional fashion it certainly hadn’t ended that way. Now he didn’t know where she was, but she sounded like she was at least safe. When he checked up on her and managed to get through at least. 

He would give up anything he could for her, but he knew beyond doubt that she wouldn’t take it, she probably couldn’t take it. He knew she would have left for a reason, he just didn’t know what it was right now. 

As long as she was gone he couldn’t settle, and the hardest part of all of it was that he had to keep trying to take long, deep breaths and reminding himself that staying alive so that she had something to come back to was the most important.

But missing her as much as he did made that so much harder to do.


	291. Chapter 291

_ After all these wasted nights, I can’t pretend that I’m doing fine _ _   
_ _ I played it back a thousand times, but now I see it I realise _ _   
_ _ That the damage is done and it’s obvious, we can never go back to the way it was _ _   
_ _ We’re drifting apart and it’s killing us, it’s killing us _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Farewell” by Simple Plan ft Jordan Pundik_ **

They’d tried reconnecting and it just wasn’t working. They hadn’t been exclusive, but whatever she’d had with Russo had ended everything that they’d had too. She’d thought that two weeks apart would change her mind, but it hadn’t. It was time she upped sticks and tried again somewhere new. Somewhere nobody knew her.

She didn’t think Russo was all the damage, he was just the final straw. She loved her team like a family, but families broke down sometimes, and in this one she was really just the first one to realise. 

LaSalle, Percy and Sebastian were like the younger siblings she had to try and control. Loretta was the smooth and wise aunt she could always turn to, and Patton was the cousin she idolised and adored. As for Pride, she couldn’t put her finger on what he was exactly, at least not in terms that made her comfortable, but partner had always been the designation that fit them the best.

The fact that she couldn’t seem to see past what had happened in May was killing her, and she knew now that she needed to leave. She had to go because nothing would ever go back to normal for her.

She would miss them all with every beat of her heart. But it was time she leave.


	292. Chapter 292

_ I’m feeling like I keep talking _ _   
_ _ I’m repeating myself _ _   
_ _ My words lost all meaning _ _   
_ _ I keep talking _ _   
_ _ I repeat myself _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”I Just Wanna Run” by The Downtown Fiction_ **

Talking, words. The same ones she’d said a million times. “May I come in, I'm sorry…”.

They didn’t have any meaning anymore. Hadn’t had meaning for quite some time.

Even the new things she did, they were on autopilot. She was disconnected, broken.

Nothing seemed to sit in her mind for long.

Something was missing.

She just didn’t know what.


	293. Chapter 293

_ Tried to take a picture of love _ _   
_ _ Didn't think I'd miss her that much _ _   
_ _ I want to fill this new frame but it’s empty _ _   
_ _ Tried to write a letter in ink _ _   
_ _ It’s been getting better I think _ _   
_ _ I got a piece of paper but it’s empty _ _   
_ _ Its empty _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Empty” by The Click Five_ **

There was an empty space in his team, an empty frame on his desk and an empty space in his life, and he had no idea what he could do about any of it. She had decided to leave, and really, he couldn’t entirely blame her for that. She wanted to advance, to move on, and she felt she couldn’t do that here.

Honestly, he didn’t think that he could ever miss someone as much as he was missing her right now. He missed her laugh, her voice. There was actually nothing about her that he didn’t miss, but he couldn’t let others know that it was hitting him this badly.

He tried to write to her about how he felt, but the words wouldn’t come and it was just a blank piece of paper. Maybe he wasn’t meant to tell her after all.


	294. Chapter 294

_ So sing it back if you're with me, I wanna hear how your heart speaks _ _   
_ _ While we're young, while we're young, this should be the time of our lives _ _   
_ _ And I've been so lost without you, are you lost without me too _ _   
_ _ While we're young, while we're young, this should be the time of our lives _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”While We're Young” by Marianas Trench_ **

She wanted to know all about him, because he knew so much about her. She confided in him about almost everything in her life, but he didn’t tend to return the favour. Every so often she’d be the one there when he needed to talk, but it didn’t happen anywhere near as often as the reverse. she guessed that it was his job, he asked questions, exposing other people.

That hadn’t stopped her falling in love with him, and it hadn’t stopped her finding that when she was struggling to get through things he would catch her every time. he wasn’t in her profession but he seemed to understand more about her job than some who were doing it.

Everyone told her that she should be having the time of her life while she was young, and she knew that with him beside her she could do just that. This was what their lives were.


	295. Chapter 295

_ If you only knew the pain, the pain I keep inside _ _   
_ _ The pain that makes me "me", then without it who am I _ _   
_ _ In a room with broken walls, I lay in scene and dreams _ _   
_ _ I want you to see _ _   
_ _ I'm cold and white. I'm holding on _ _   
_ _ I'll try to breathe for you _ _   
_ _ I'm crying out, I'm singing loud _ _   
_ _ You could be all I need _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Save Me From Me” by Amber Pacific_ **

She knew the sound of a gun, and she recognised the pain of a bullet wound, but that wasn’t going to stop her trying to get away. Everyone else was dead, so she was trying to crawl out, and when she couldn’t crawl anymore she would shout and sing and make as much noise as she could until the back-up team got there.

Merri had a reason to cling onto her life, to try and get free, because she wanted to make it home to King. She wanted to be able to tell him why she left, and that it wasn’t because she didn’t love their team. She was needed for something that meant more than she could have ever imagined when she first met John Russo.

There was a pain that had lived within her for a decade, without it she wasn’t sure that she was herself, but she also knew that she had a reason to get home. She was about to try and hide as a door opened to her side, but the relief she felt when she saw the paramedics was high. She would live, she was sure of it, and she could go home.


	296. Chapter 296

_ I don't mean to hurt, just to put you first _ _   
_ _ I won't tell you lies _ _   
_ _ I will stand accused  _ _   
_ _ With my hand on my heart _ _   
_ _ I'm just trying to say I’m sorry _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Best Of Me” by Sum 41_ **

Brody had been trying to prove her innocence for months, and she knew that everyone else wanted to see her punished for the mistakes that weren’t actually hers. She was just the public face that people could put on it. She was hurting herself so that the rest of her team would be left alone. She was putting them first. “You’re sure you’re not lying.” Asked the suit beside her who was representing her.

“I don’t lie when it comes to my job, I try not to lie, period.” She hated liars, she didn’t even like lying to suspects if she could avoid it. In this situation though, lying wouldn’t have actually gotten her anywhere. “But I can honestly say that all that matters to me is that they are left alone. This wasn’t my fault, but it wasn’t their fault either. If the FBI and Homeland need a scapegoat then… Here I am.”

“You know you might never be able to work in law enforcement again, Brody.” That was a fear she couldn’t deny having, but she was sure that, eventually, she would be vindicated in this matter.

“I know.” She didn’t like it, but she did know. Who knew that one night with Russo was going to come back on her like this. “I’ll say sorry for what I did, not that it’s anyone’s business who I slept with once. I know the truth and, really, so do all of them. They just need someone to blame, it might as well be me.” Because nobody could blame her more than she blamed herself.


	297. Chapter 297

_ What did you say as I walked out the door? _ _   
_ _ Did you want me want me back? _ _   
_ _ Did you want me? _ _   
_ _ What did you say as I walked out the door? _ _   
_ _ Did you want me want me back? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Anthem for the Unwanted” by New Found Glory_ **

He walked out of the door and wondered if she shouted him for a second. It was a stupid thought, but it was what he desperately wanted. He didn’t actually want to walk out on her like this, but he couldn’t help the fact that they both needed a break, likely from each other.

If she wanted him back she knew where he’d be, they could then try and work this out again. If she didn’t. Well, maybe it was better that they were done this time since it was beginning to be clear that they couldn’t actually get over this.

Wanting her wasn’t enough, there needed to be mutual input and that hadn’t been happening. Maybe disappearing was a bad idea, but it was all he had left.


	298. Chapter 298

_ The city sleeps and we're lost in the moment _ _   
_ _ Another kiss says we're lying on the pavement _ _   
_ _ If they could see us they would tell us that we're crazy _ _   
_ _ But I know they just don't understand _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Take My Hand” by Simple Plan_ **

She didn’t know how they had gotten to this point, but right now she felt herself being pushed against the closest wall as they just walked back toward the office. It wasn’t even as though she could claim they’d been drinking, they hadn’t, it was just that this was how their nights went now.

With one more kiss she suddenly realised they weren’t vertical anymore, and feeling him over her as they continued losing themselves was more intoxicating than any drink she’d ever had. They were far too old to be acting like teenagers, but they were there with no second thoughts.

It was only when the blue lights of a passing patrol car were visible that they broke apart again and smiled, before she slipped her hand into his and continued running the rest of the way to the closest bed. Sure, people who saw them right now wouldn’t understand what was going on, because they were crazy.

In truth, she was just finally happy again.


	299. Chapter 299

_ So here, before you go, _ _   
_ _ To places I don’t know, _ _   
_ _ It can’t feel this right every time. _ _   
_ _ So now that I can try, _ _   
_ _ Someday it will be mine, _ _   
_ _ As long as you stay by my side. _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Goodbye” by Hopeland_ **

Picking the phone up from her friend, Merri immediately knew there was something serious going on given the lack of pleasantries. “Merri, you need to get to the morgue.”

“What happened?” She knew that tone, and it was never good.

“Just get there.” The insistence in Sonja voice told her that there was something wrong, so she handed her file off to her partner and rushed her way over. The looks that everyone gave her helped her guess at was she was going to be told.

“I’m so sorry, Merri.” Those words confirmed it, and even as she felt the tears begin pouring she wouldn’t allow herself to let anyone acknowledge them. “There was an incident. King was killed.”

“Where is he?” She demanded instantly. She didn’t care for the details, she just cared about where her husband was before he left for somewhere she couldn’t go.

“Through here.” Loretta led her through to the main lab, and there he was, laid out on the bed, and Merri was sure that Loretta had waited until she’d been her to start the autopsy. Not because she’d want to be there, but so that she could say goodbye, and so that her family had some closure. “Do you want me to go get the twins?”

“Yeah, they should get to say goodbye.” Most parents probably wouldn’t let their toddlers see this, but Merri knew that Emmie would need to see it to understand, and Mattie wanted to do everything his sister did. “You’re meant to be by my side for this, Dwayne. This morning, life was perfect and I know I can have that again. Just give me a sign that you and Emily are by my side.” She needed to still feel that, but she had part of him with her, but she wished that this hadn’t happened.


	300. Chapter 300

_ I'll feel how you want me to feel _ _   
_ _ I'll say the things you wanted me to say _ _   
_ _ I'll be your tell-it-all, I'll be original _ _   
_ _ I'll be nothing at all _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Trainwreck” by New Found Glory_ **

After a month in this place he was about ready to say whatever they wanted to hear, even if it wasn’t the truth. They had broken just about everything in him, and the only thing he had left were memories. Everything else was long since gone, including what shreds of sanity he’d held onto this long.

Now he wasn’t sure what he was telling them, but he knew it couldn’t be the truth because he didn’t even know the truth himself. He couldn’t let them get to Meredith though, so he needed to make sure he didn’t mention that.

But he just wanted it to stop. He needed it to be over. He could make it up to her in their next life.


	301. Chapter 301

_ Just might go tonight, we're so close tonight _ _   
_ _ I need you here but you're out there on your own _ _   
_ _ Do you still look like the pictures in my telephone _ _   
_ _ Hiding out in your room, we could be alone _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”So Obvious” by Runner Runner_ **

They were so close to each other, but he knew that she was still out on her own. How long it had been since she left he didn’t know, but finding out that she had still been in reach if he’d put effort in broke his heart.

She had needed for him to realise that something was wrong, but he hadn’t. He’d just accepted her at her word even though it had sent him into a tailspin of his own.

Maybe she was still the person he knew, that was why he was here. To find out if there was still anything between them. 


	302. Chapter 302

_ There’s no-one in town I know _ _   
_ _ You gave us someplace to go _ _   
_ _ I never said thank you for that _ _   
_ _ I thought I might get one more chance _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Hear You Me” by Jimmy Eat World_ **

Merri hated how cruel the universe could be sometimes, and more than that she hated that it had taken one of the most amazing women she’d ever met in such a careless, senseless way. Standing up in the church, she was proud to see just how many people were there to see their friend and colleague off. 

“When I came here, there was a lot I didn’t know or understand. I was staying in an awful apartment, didn’t really have any friends… and Loretta, through Chris, offered me a house she owned. That was who Loretta was, she took in those who needed help the most. The thing she loved, more than anything, was being a mom to CJ and Danny.”

She took a breath, looking around her friends, her pseudo family, and all the people who Loretta had touched. “Loretta was one of the wisest women you would ever meet, and she would always be willing to help when you needed it.” That was something Merri knew from bitter experience.

“I never got to thank Loretta for everything she did for me, for everyone. I never got to tell her that she was one of the best people I ever knew, or ever will know. Her service to the people of this city will never be forgotten, nor will her kindness, her generosity, or her love for everything. We will remember her.” She took a breath, and was grateful the Pride stood up at that moment to pull her down into his arms, protecting her from onlookers eyes as she finally broke down to cry.


	303. Chapter 303

_ I’ve been waiting for you to come and pull me back down _ _   
_ _ All the weight of the truth is taking me to the ground _ _   
_ _ I say love ain’t always pretty _ _   
_ _ Sometimes it’s ugly _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Ugly Love” by Griffin Peterson_ **

She’d been spinning out, and she knew she had. She also knew that really she was just waiting for someone to grab her and put her back in place. She didn’t know how she’d gone so far off course, and she didn’t understand why it felt like nobody had noticed. She’d opened up this time, people knew her not just the front she put on, how did they overlook her.

Of course, when the inevitable crash came there was one person there. The one person who had always loved her, and who never made it like she was a burden for them. Sometimes, she wondered what the hell they saw in her, but it must have been something. They didn’t have a pretty relationship, most of the time it was down right dirty.

But just maybe, that was what she needed. Something ugly, so they could work together to make it beautiful.


	304. Chapter 304

_ I see that shadows long beneath the mountain top _ _   
_ _ I’m not afraid when the rain won’t stop _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause you light the way _ _   
_ _ You light the way _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Flashlight” by Jessie J_ **

Somehow, through all the storms he was currently wading himself through, all the dark nights and lonely situations, he knew it was going to be worth it, because she was going to be there.

She lit his way, with her beautiful eyes and her wide beaming smile. At the end of every tunnel she was there and he would be able to make it home to her. That was what kept him going.

No matter how dark it got, or how much rain fell on him. He had a guiding light, and he knew that she meant to save him.


	305. Chapter 305

_ It's starting to feel like we're in a movie _ _   
_ _ And there's thousands of people wishing they were us _ _   
_ _ So if you love me why should we wait _ _   
_ _ There's a world outside that you and I can take _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”We're In Heaven” by Joshua Micah_ **

Once upon a time she’d wanted to hide away from the world, never draw attention to herself. Never be anything more than ordinary. A good agent, a good friend. Boring and ordinary had been all she’d ever wanted out of life. Depending on how life had gone she maybe wanted a couple of kids, a dog and a white picket fence, but that had all changed.

Now she was a big hero, for doing something anyone would have done. That was when she realised that her life was not anything close to normal. She could keep pretending that it was, but one day she was going to have to admit that  _ normal _ was never going to be something she had.

So while everyone wanted to be a hero like her, all she cared about was that the love of her life didn’t want to wait, that they’d jump in with her and take this crazy hour new by her side. They could rule this world if they put their minds to it, and that was how she was going to view it. Saving the world, by protecting it.

It was what she’d been born to do.


	306. Chapter 306

_ And I’ve been thinking… _ _   
_ _ Ain’t life swell from a pretty little distance? _ _   
_ _ I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to stay _ _   
_ _ Why look twice at a beautiful existence? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pretty Little Distance” by As It Is_ **

Looking back over her time in New Orleans Merri realised that it hadn’t all been so bad. She was meant to be back at work today, and she had managed to position herself at a point in Jackson Square where she could see up to the office, but where she would blend in as a tourist or an artist. Hopefully nobody would notice her.

While she was thinking that she was going through the hardest battle of her life. She had the most amazing job offer she could imagine, it was everything she could want and she’d be helping everyone… or she could go home. To the people she loved and trusted.

She didn’t want to leave and she didn’t want to stay. If she left she’d miss her family, her team, the people who had taken a chance on her, but if she stayed she’d be bitter that she didn’t take the job of a lifetime. What was it James had said, when he’d been defending why he’d left. That if it was her she’d do exactly the same thing.

Damn him, he was right. She couldn’t turn down this job. No matter how much she loved this city, and her team, she couldn’t pass up the opportunity of a lifetime. So instead of carrying on up St Anne toward the office, she turned on her heel and headed back for the streetcar.

She hated to leave, this was a beautiful life. But she had to go. She’d call Pride when she was at the airport.


	307. Chapter 307

_ I know we'll be okay _ _   
_ _ Despite the rolling waves _ _   
_ _ Amongst the numbered days _ _   
_ _ Cause even if we change _ _   
_ _ I know we'd never stray _ _   
_ _ Cause look how far we came _ _   
_ _ I know we'll be okay _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”We’ll Be Okay” by With Confidence_ **

How did Dwayne always sound so calm, even in the middle of a massive emergency of which they could do very little. “It’s going to work out. We’ll all be fine.”

“Daddy, how do you know that?” Emily asked, always ahead of the game, even at the age of three. She knew the exact questions to ask, while her twin brother just sat nodding his head in agreement.

“Because I know how far mommy and I came to get here.” Well, wasn’t that an understatement. They’d come light-years from when they first met, and six years later this was where they were. Holed up in a bunker waiting to know if they were ever going to be allowed out.

“Daddy’s right, guys.” She tried to sound half as confident as Dwayne had, but she was sure Emily would pick up on that uncertainty and probably ask about it in the future.  “Come on, try and get some sleep.”

“You’ll be here in the morning?” again, their daughter was the one asking, while Matthew had already laid down to sleep.

“Of course we will, you guys sharing the middle bed again? OK.” She wasn’t going to argue, if they slept, they slept, she wasn’t going to complain at that and it meant they were between her and their father. The safest place in the world.

“We’ll be home soon, Merri. This evacuation can’t go on forever.” He was trying to reassure her, but she wasn’t as gullible as their children.

“I hope so, Dwayne, I really do.” She leant over to kiss him softly, then settled on her bunk one side of their soon-to-be-sleeping toddlers. History said that they’d be OK, but that really didn’t mean she had to enjoy it while it was happening.


	308. Chapter 308

_ Why should I stick around _ _   
_ _ When all I do is let you down _ _   
_ _ I'm bad news you can't deceive me _ _   
_ _ I'd never choose to be me _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Speak Soft” by As It Is_ **

Sometimes he wasn’t sure what he was even doing here anymore. She didn’t need him, hadn’t needed him in a long time. She was living her own life and that was great, that’s what everyone wanted for their children, but he missed when she needed him. Not that he’d ever actually been great at being someone who was needed. He had let her down more than he hadn’t.

Maybe this was a sign that it was time for him to move on, find another cause, something that he wanted to do. He was generally bad news for the people he settled on, but if his daughter didn’t need him anymore, then he was going to try and help someone else. 

He had to be who he was, even if it wasn’t who he’d choose to be.


	309. Chapter 309

_ Only so much to a game  _ _   
_ _ Before the cards all fall the same _ _   
_ _ Sick and tired of this hand they’re dealing _ _   
_ _ But like the light pushed through and down _ _   
_ _ Your pretty face broke through the crowd _ _   
_ _ And left me puzzled wondering how this evening _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight” by With Confidence_ **

Life was a game, wasn’t that something that had been said to him once upon a time? It was there to be played, and if you knew what you were doing you could cheat your way through it and make life easy, or those who were less skilled at it lived through hardships. Those were the ones, she felt, who came out a lot strong.

It seemed like the game of life she played always went the same. She’d be dealt the cards at a new table each time, but the game always ended the same. Her wiping out in a spectacular fashion and running away to regroup before trying again. Getting more and more fed up at the sameness of each round.

She was bored with this, and getting tired of the fact that she never seemed to win. There was nothing that made her feel better about the life that she was living, and there was nothing that gave her hope for the future. All there was was a crushing feeling of defeat whenever she restarted and picked up the new deck of characters in her life.

This time though, something was different. She couldn’t immediately put her finger on what it was. Then she realised when it was. Comforting eyes and a similar attitude, he was the perfect newcomer, and the moment that she saw him she knew that this was the change that she’d needed.

He confused her, pushed her, supported her and learned about her in a way that nobody had in her entire life. This was not how the game normally went, by this point she was normally almost broke and ready to escape. This time though, she felt like he wouldn’t let her. He had her heart, and that was enough to disrupt the usual game. She had hope this time.


	310. Chapter 310

_ You don’t say what you mean when you say I’m what you need _ _   
_ _ You tell white lies from your heart of gold _ _   
_ _ I’m not the place you wanna be, I’m just the places in between _ _   
_ _ I feel complete but uncomfortable _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Concrete” by As It Is_ **

They loved each other, there was no doubt about that. They wanted to make this relationship work against all the odds, but that wasn’t going to happen and maybe it was time that they accepted that. Every time he broached the subject he could tell that she was lying when she replied that he was exactly what she needed.

More than that, was it enough to be needed. Didn’t they both want to be wanted?

She had a heart of gold, and a personality to match it. She wanted to save everyone, and all she ever wanted was to make others happy. That made things more difficult. She was more guilty of telling little white lies than anyone he’d ever met.

All he wanted was for her to be as happy as he was. But that wouldn’t be with him.

What he knew most was that she wanted someone else, and he didn’t begrudge her that. Right now he was just the safety blanket. The reason she had for not trying to make a relationship with who she really wanted. He wanted her, but only if the feeling was mutual.

It was time to let go, because the longer they went on, the worst it would be for them both.


	311. Chapter 311

_ Won’t you turn around and please look at me _ _   
_ _ For everything we are, everything we’ve been _ _   
_ _ I promise I’ll be good if you stay with me _ _   
_ _ But everything we are it just went away _ _   
_ _ With the slight of a tongue and a sour taste _ _   
_ _ I cannot recall, I can’t explain _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Long Night” by With Confidence_ **

Pride didn’t know how else to help her, it seemed like she couldn’t even look at him. He knew that she blamed herself for everything that had happened. It wasn’t her fault that Russo had been a traitor, and it wasn’t her fault that she’d had to kill him. 

He’d been her since she’d come back to the office by surprise, catching him in the process of packing. He’d cancelled, deciding that his broken agent had needed his attention more. Everything they had been over the last year felt so far away, but whatever they were was still there. But he should let her be. Grabbing his jacket he thought taking a walk would at least give her time to think.

“Please, stay with me.” She whispered quietly, and for the first time in three days she looked at him. The sadness in those deep brown eyes broke his heart, and he knew that he needed to show her that he still loved her deeply.

Those words were all it took for him to turn and crush his lips to hers. It took everything in him not to be rough, she was far too damaged for him to do what he truly wanted to do. Those things he’d felt between them faded away, and he felt something new coming.

Then she pulled back, and he didn’t know what the look on her face was saying. it wasn’t a bad look, but it wasn’t necessarily a good one either. He just didn’t know what it meant, and so he pulled that jacket on, and turned out the door. They could work it out but they both needed a moment now. Even if he just went downstairs. 

She followed him, and after a moment he felt a hand on his arm, spinning him around, and then all of a sudden it was her lips on his and he felt her desperation but, deeper than that, he felt her love too. Wrapping his arms around her he just froze the moment in his mind, and he hoped it was the start of something new.


	312. Chapter 312

_ I can’t help the way my mind is hardwired  _ _   
_ _ To hate myself _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause I swear that this is hell the way I desperately try to _ _   
_ _ Save myself _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause I can’t save myself _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Can’t Save Myself” by As It Is_ **

As long as Merri could remember she’d had some form of mental health issue. When she was younger it had been more generalised, just mild anxiety that ended up causing her to become more of a perfectionist than anything. Then, as she got older and other things happened to her it led to where she was now, with a terrible case of PTSD and no real idea how to manage it any longer.

All she thought about was how much she was to blame for, even her own issues were because of a mistake she’d made. Why had Hooper had to have eyes like Emily’s. Why had he had to remind her of that. She hated those parts of herself. The parts that caused the hesitation, and the parts that fixated on it.

What was definitely worst was that she was trying to save herself from the nightmares, but nothing seemed to be helping. She didn’t always know how to cope, but she was going to keep trying, and eventually she was going to be able to get through it all. But right now, saving herself wasn’t an option. She needed help.


	313. Chapter 313

_ Knowing as the fire burns _ _   
_ _ Let it all catch alight _ _   
_ _ Growing as we take our turn _ _   
_ _ Knowing that we'll be all right _ _   
_ _ It could be you _ _   
_ _ And I could be caught in everything that's in-between _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”We’ll Be Okay” by With Confidence_ **

Everything around them was burning, but she still had faith that they’d all be okay, they’d all make it through and eventually they would all be happy and healthy again. She didn’t know how or when, but she truly believed that. 

It was all figurative fire, luckily, but she was still hoping that, somehow she and her friend would be alright. They just needed to each take their turn in the hot seat.

It felt like she was caught in everything they were going through, but they’d survive, they always did.


	314. Chapter 314

_ I stretch the truths ’til they lose shape _ _   
_ _ As support beams bend and break _ _   
_ _ Watch reality’s slow cascade, _ _   
_ _ But that’s alright _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Pretty Little Distance” by As It Is_ **

How many times had she lied for him. How many times had she made excuse after excuse for why he kept making silly mistakes. He never learnt and she was sick of it. She was trying not to perjure herself, but that meant stretching the truth so far that she didn’t even recognise it. This time it had broken, and she needed to go. “I want a transfer.”

“I was expecting it, you never last anywhere, Brody.” Of course, that’s what was said to her. Nobody expect her to last and she didn’t care. She was a good agent, and she was in demand. That made it easier to go.

“Maybe if my partner wasn’t such an incompetent asshole. I’d rather be anywhere but here.” She meant that, and handing her transfer paperwork over. She just wanted to be out of there. Without waiting for another response she turned on her heel and went home. She had an apartment to pack up. Next time, she wasn’t going to even bother unpacking.


	315. Chapter 315

_ And I know that you’re holding out for better weather _ _   
_ _ And I can’t promise you that I’ll be around forever _ _   
_ _ But one thing I know is that we’re good together _ _   
_ _ I will try to hold you up through those times when you were gone _ _   
_ _ Despite the weather it gets better you won’t do this alone _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Voldemort” by With Confidence_ **

“I know that you needed it to be perfect, and this probably doesn’t fit that bill but I felt that I needed to do it with you together.” He had been rehearsing these lines in his head for weeks. He’d made similar promises once before, and they hadn’t ended the best.

“The one thing nobody can promise is that they’ll always be here, nobody can promise that. But we’re really good together.” He was already sure of that, and they hadn’t been together that long. He just knew. “You have made my life so much better, and I can’t imagine it without you anymore.”

“You need propping up, and lifting up, and just generally helping, everyone does sometimes. I’m not the best at it, but I try.” He really did. He always tried and sometimes it worked. He wanted it to work more now that there were others depending on him.

“So I guess what I can promise you is that I’m never going to leave you alone.” Thinking of the other person in this with him he split into a smile as he lifted the two tiny humans higher in his arms. Six hours old and he was already completely in love with them. “Neither will your mom, even if sometimes she won’t show it.” He kissed the twins heads and smiled again, knowing that Merri was sleeping soundly and his children were safe.


	316. Chapter 316

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda fucked up, ngl.

_ Desperate delusions are all I have _ _   
_ _ Just to keep me hanging on _ _   
_ _ I shut my eyes but my world’s still burning _ _   
_ _ I can’t escape, I feel it killing me _ _   
_ _ No way out, here I am again  _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”No Way Out” by As It Is_ **

All he had left in his mind were the images of the people he’d left behind. In his mind the hallucinations of them coming to save him, coming and breaking him free before the inevitable were all he had left.

His eyes were pinched shut, though from the bruising he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to open them even if he wanted to try. Everything was burning away as he smelt the smoke hitting him. They were going to let him burn to death rather than killing him directly. That just seemed cruel.

Of course, there was no escape now, so he retreated back into his mind just like he had so many times since he’d arrived here. It was how he’d survived this long.

But he would survive no more.


	317. Chapter 317

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is also kinda fucked up.

_ And I hate every breath that you take _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause I feel and I kneel and I break _ _   
_ _ And I know, oh I know what it cost _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause now I am always lost _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Godzilla” by With Confidence_ **

Once upon a time Sam had thought that he was in love with her, that she was going to be his future but, somehow, that hadn’t helped. He had been absolutely perfect for her, but he’d always known that she’d never have stayed with him. She was always going to end up with someone bad for her. Her ex, her boss… he didn’t even known anymore.

He hated her ex, and he’d never met the man. At least, he hadn’t until a few days earlier, now he had, and he hated him all the more. That was why he was still here, alive but covered in blood from the slices Sam had made whenever the anger had caused him to break.

Losing it was all that he could do now, but if he ended James, maybe he could get Merri back. Or maybe he’d have to kill her boss too. If he couldn’t have her, he’d kill anyone who stood in their way. 


	318. Chapter 318

_ You’ve got everything to look up to from the bottom _ _   
_ _ You’ve got everyone else to compare yourself against _ _   
_ _ So forget it, you’re forgotten in a world so disenchanted _ _   
_ _ Always asking, never knowing - is it just me or everybody else _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Cheap Shots and Setbacks” by As It Is_ **

Right now, she was truly at the very bottom, and really that was all she needed to know. It meant that everything now could only be up. She’d been looked at from every single angle and had been cleared of any wrongdoing.

That hadn’t stopped herself putting everyone else in her shoes. They’d have realised it earlier, they’d have known that it was a set up, they’d have passed it on to someone else. They wouldn’t have waited until it was the last possible moment.

She was trying to forget it, in such a fast moving world everyone else had long since forgotten it. She just couldn’t move past it though. She felt like she was a failure, and that was always a problem for her. had been for much longer than she wanted to admit.

the problem was that nobody ever gave her a straight answer, so how was she to know if she was the one in the right. Was it just her who was like this, or was everyone else just as uncomfortable? Did they all just hide it better? Who was to ever know.


	319. Chapter 319

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in an as-yet-unpublished fic where Brody is sent undercover to trap Russo's fellow traitors

_ Is someone there, I need your help and _ _   
_ _ I’m on my own and I’ve been thinking _ _   
_ _ That I’m so lost, I’m slowly sinking _ _   
_ _ Out on my own into my thinking _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Keeper” by With Confidence_ **

How desperately she wished she was in New Orleans right now, or even somewhere where she trusted someone to be there with her while she went through an experience she really wasn’t sure that she wanted to ever repeat. She had called her mother, after knowing that the FBI had briefed her about the nature of the case, but Olivia wouldn’t be there until the morning. This would be over by then.

All along she’d known this was going to be hard, but when she agreed to this she’d never thought that she’d be thousands of miles from home, missing the people she considered family. She was all on her own and right now all she could think was that she wanted to quit, go home and be around the people she cared about.

It all came to a head, and then there was a cry and a small weight being placed on her chest. One look assuaged her worries, and she knew without doubt who the father was. Not that she was going to be able to tell him any time soon. He was back in New Orleans, along with all her other friends. “Here’s your son, Agent Brody.”  

She didn’t even pay attention through the rest of what needed to be done. Instead she was  just captivated by the tiny human who was laid on her chest, he wasn’t making a noise either, just studying her back, the same way his father had across the bullpen for more than three years. As soon as she was alone, she knew she owed her little boy an apology. “I’m sorry you can’t meet your daddy, little man. One day, I promise. We’ll both go home.”


	320. Chapter 320

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the same fic verse as the last one.

_ Four walls and a door we used to call home _ _   
_ _ The rest of our lives and not enough time _ _   
_ _ ‘Til we’re both alone _ _   
_ _ I try to steady my hands, you hurt to know why _ _   
_ _ I open my mouth and just trip over sounds _ _   
_ _ But my eyes speak goodbye _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Silence (Pretending’s So Comfortable)” by As It Is_ **

His son was asleep, and his former partner-come-co-parent was sat beside him on the sofa. They’d been sharing memories, laughing about the old things that they used to get up to. It was familiar and terrifying all at once, and it reminded him that he had promised they wouldn’t dive into this too fast. “It’s time I should be going.”

“You don’t have to.” He had to admit, he always thought if he had another child he’d be able to spend all his time with them the same as he had with Laurel, but he missed the first 15 months of Kieran’s life, now he was forcing himself to miss more because he still wanted to, someday, have a good relationship with his mother.

“Merri, I love you just like I always have, but I don’t think we’re there yet.” The words were like a knife to his gut, because he desperately wanted to stay with her. He desperately wanted to leave his bedroom in the office and move in here with the family he was desperate to keep close.

“We’re never going to get there if you keep avoiding me Dwayne.” Meredith was, of course, right. But he wasn’t avoiding her because he didn’t want it to work out. But he was still angry at her, even though he had no right to be after it all. “Please stay.”

He couldn’t stop himself from leaning over her and kissing her deeply. He’d only meant for it to be a demonstration, but just as he’d worried they had ended going further in five seconds than he thought was good for them. “That’s why I can’t stay, Merri. When we’re alone without Kieran that’s all I can think about doing.”  “We will work it out, but we can’t push too fast.”

“You’re right.” He could see the sadness in her eyes, and he was sure that she believed he wasn’t sure about her. As they both stood and walked to the door he couldn’t resist kissing her again. This one more of a promise, something that he could keep. When he pulled his head out his ass. “I love you, goodnight.” She said quietly, resting her forehead against his, and he nodded softly before he actually walked out.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” He would make sure that he’d be there for them both whenever he could be, especially while Merri was still trying to settle back into the city, and into not being terrified that she’d be discovered any day. This would work out, and then he’d have a new family, he just needed to truly forgive her first.


	321. Chapter 321

_ And I’m burning out _ _   
_ _ Oh every single second I am learning now _ _   
_ _ Oh every single minute I am trying out _ _   
_ _ Living life tonight without a light _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Understand” by With Confidence_ **

Her entire life she had been expected to learn, she had been expected to know what was happening and where she was going with her life. Even as a child she had been expected to be working toward this life goal, all of which had been determined by one small talent.

Eating, sleeping, breathing. She was supposed to spend every day learning, trying, improving. She would like to go one day where that wasn’t the whole focus of her life. She wanted to do other things, and maybe that’s why she felt like she was about to burn out. She needed to stop. It was time. hopefully others would understand.


	322. Chapter 322

_ Take care of yourself but carry the whole world _ _   
_ _ Forget that it hurts from ankle to collarbone and you think _ _   
_ _ And you bury your head away and you sink _ _   
_ _ It’s just you, the room and the devil on your shoulder _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”You, The Room & The Devil on your Shoulder” by As It Is_ **

Everything hurt. That was the problem for him right now. He was trying to ignore all the pain, the things he regretted, what he couldn’t take back. That was why he was sat at this piano, staring at that wall thinking over the case.

He should have known that Merri was the one that they’d send again. She was the one who had broken him out of this last time. Of course she wasn’t on his team any longer, but in a way that made it harder to tell her about it.

Instead, today he focused on the things he couldn’t change. The things that he wanted to know. Merri needed him to come home, so he would ignore the devil that was telling him he should go off half-cocked and find the guy who had cause this.

he needed to care for himself, because his wife and children needed him. And as soon as she came through the door, no doubt with a sandwich, he would need to pull himself together, and he knew it. They were his only reason to stop.


	323. Chapter 323

_ So let me take you out tonight all that I could show you _ _   
_ _ Breathe these city lights let the beat control you _ _   
_ _ You’ll forget your life, everything they told you _ _   
_ _ You could lose your mind if you want I’ll show you _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Tonight” by With Confidence_ **

“It’s your first night in New Orleans.” That was not entirely true, but she did understand the implications that came with it. Merri wasn’t one to fight with her friends when they had an idea, and Pride seemed to have something in his mind right now.

“I lived here for two years, you showed me everything then.” She laughed a little, absolutely exhausted but still not ready to leave Pride or anything about her return. She would sleep when she was dead, right now was the time to celebrate. 

“That was four years ago. Let’s go out, tonight.” It was as though he didn’t have the patience to wait, and she couldn’t entirely blame him. It was when he came up to stand behind her and mutter quietly into her ear that she knew he was planning something. “I’ll help you forget everything.”

“Alright.” She agreed, knowing that if she forgot everything, or lost herself the way he’d tried to encourage her to when she had first arrived, this time it would be entirely because of him. She could live with all of this though, because this all meant that she was home. Taking his hand she allowed him to pull her out and toward the bright lights of the city.


	324. Chapter 324

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. this is about a sofa. I don't know I've finally snapped.

_ I miss what never was with us _ _   
_ _ A fiction I constructed _ _   
_ _ You’re everywhere and all that I think about _ _   
_ _ Can’t even feel alone in my own head _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Sorry” by As It Is_ **

My mistress has moved me around the country with her. Aside from her photo albums I am the only piece of furniture that she cannot give up and I know why that is. She claims that it is because I am the comfiest for her to curl up with while she is reading, but I know that is a lie.

I built all of this up in my mind, and all I could think about was how to sag slightly better to make my mistress even more comfortable, to give her all the support she enjoyed, and just to be the best I could possibly be. That was when she brought someone else over. She said that I was ugly, but she felt connected to me. She agreed she could probably do better than me, but she wasn’t ready to give me up yet, and she could show her visitor why.

At least, that was what I thought. However now I know that it was a lie, and my thoughts of myself were merely fiction. Yet my mistress is still here, and from the movements I can feel on me she is not alone. That means I cannot be alone, though I will do my duty, however bitter I am feeling.


	325. Chapter 325

_ And even in the darkest silence _ _   
_ _ I could see and hear your guidance _ _   
_ _ But now we’ve lost it all _ _   
_ _ I had to watch you fall _ _   
_ _ Down this waterfall  _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Waterfall” by With Confidence_ **

As the darkness enveloped him he heard the words spoken by his love. It was calm and quiet, but it was insistent. It was telling him that he needed to get up and start moving.

The doorway was open, finally, and he could make his escape. That was when he realised that he didn’t know where he was. He was lost, and in his minds eye the voice drifted away, down the water, and at first he lost all hope.

Then he remembered, he’d be able to get help at the water. He needed to find the waterfall.


	326. Chapter 326

_ I’m getting more of what I’ve always wanted _ _   
_ _ But becoming less of who I’ve ever been _ _   
_ _ ‘Cause I promised myself I’d never hurt you and I did _ _   
_ _ If you can’t trust a liar how can you trust me again? _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”Dial Tones” by As It Is_ **

There wasn’t much that Dwayne Pride has always wanted. He’d wanted to be a good father, a good husband and a good agent. He was a very good agent, the other two he sometimes struggled with. He always tried to be a good father, and he was sure that Laurel, Matthew and Emily would have told him if he was failing in that category. As a husband though, he was pretty terrible.

It had never been that he didn’t love Linda, but she had never understood his job so that had probably always been doomed to failure. He’d tried, but it was never going to work. He’d thought it would be different with Merri, and it was, but he was still failing. Unlike Linda though, Merri never complained. She was just there, supportive and accessible. Just as she always had been. She was far more than he ever deserved.

So this realisation, prompted by Laurel calling him to ask where he was for the twins Christmas show, hurt even more. Merri never made demands on him, but at the same time she’d come to accept that he’d be too busy to come to things. He hadn’t even realised he’d missed that much it would be expected.

Getting home after he made it for the second act he played with the twins, and the moment they were distracted he walked up behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her. “I promised that, this time around, I’d be better at being married.” Standing where he was he kissed her neck gently then sighed softly. “I am so sorry for everything, Merri. I never meant to hurt you by being so distant.” Holding her tightly he felt her leaning back against him, and while this couldn’t make up for all he’d missed, he made a decision that he’d never do it again. His family meant more to him than that.


	327. Chapter 327

_ Will you call me in the late night _ _   
_ _ Underneath the black grey sky _ _   
_ _ I’ll tell you how I see you _ _   
_ _ In every single new girl’s eyes _ _   
_ _ And there will be the same fight _ _   
_ _ Just to keep our story alive _ _   
_ _ I’ll tell you how I need you _ _   
_ _ But I could never be that guy _ _   
_ _ \-- _ **_”London Lights” by With Confidence_ **

“King?”

“God I miss you Merri.”

“I’ll come and visit for Christmas.”

“I look at your desk and I can still picture you so clearly. Right there with your bright yellow mug. Your sunshine.”

“I had to leave, you know that.”

“I know, but I need you. I need you here not there. I don’t know if can be that guy I was before we met. The one who didn’t depend on you.”

“This is why we were split up. ‘Codependency is not conducive to a healthy partnership’.” 

“Don’t you miss it.”

“Like a piece of me. I’ll come for two weeks, stay through New Year. I need you too.”

“Just stay.”

“If I can, I will.”


End file.
